Inviting whole class but one child.

[OstentatiousBreastfeeder]

I never thought I'd start this thread! I feel like a prick even considering it, but here goes.

DS is 4. He has his fifth birthday coming up and it just so happens that the softplay we're booked with has a really good deal on parties of 25+ children, so we've decided to invite the whole class.

There is a little boy (let's call him Frank) in the class who is really quite horrible to DS. For some inexplicable reason though, DS was always desperate to play with him despite the punching and kicking he'd receive , and he insisted that he wanted Frank at his party.

That was until he got invited to and went to Frank's party the other week. I dropped him off (which was expected and the norm round these parts - I wasn't worried as there were lots of Frank's family helping out) and returned two hours later to find DS tearful and huddled in the corner of the hall with his shoes and coat by him, waiting for me. Apparently Frank had spent the entire time chasing DS and pushing him over, stamping on his feet and being horrible. DS had tried to tell an adult and said that Frank had been told off a couple of times, but he just kept doing it. When DS tried to hide from Frank, he found him and was mean. I know most mothers will say this but DS wouldn't hurt a fly, he's really (sometimes too) sensitive and I think he liked the fact that Frank was so unlike him.

Apart from this experience making me feel like the worst mother in the world for leaving him there alone, it's made DS not want to be Frank's friend anymore. They no longer play at school and he doesn't want him to come to his party.

But I'm inviting the WHOLE CLASS. I can't leave Frank out, can I? He may not be very nice but that's too cruel, isn't it? At the same time I don't want DS to feel his feelings aren't important. I also don't want Frank to spend two hours walloping people at DS' party.

WWYD?

If everyone grew a pair and did not invite Frank to their DC parties then maybe just maybe he might just learn to behave.

WOW - have you found a cure for behavioural difficulties? Does that extend to the autism spectrum too? All those specialists I have seen and worked with for 25 plus years now, as a parent and now foster carer, I must tell then that not being invited to parties is the cure we have all been searching for. Amazing!! Noble prize coming your way for sure!

I wrote earlier about adopting and now fostering children with complex additional needs, and how, my elder son in particular, was not invited to any child's birthday party. WE knew his history and hidden disabilities, so did the staff at the school, but other parents and children would not have. I wonder if anyone thought that about me, about us? Yes, they probably did. One of my son's disabilities was Tourettes, other parents would just have heard him and made judgements. Yes, I bet they too thought "he must just learn to behave".

In my particular example (and my son could have been frank) there was nothing I could have done to teach my child to "behave", nothing he could learn either. The more I read on here, the more I realise my family and I have no place in this judgemental world.

Having said that I do not condone anybody from doing what is best for their child, and accept there was never an invitation for my son (or current foster children). What I do condone is people who make judgements about other children and parents, without knowing what circumstances are.

Can I also say the OP herself has been really lovely, so do not mean her in any way.

riveravon I completely accept your point, but I would like to point out that Frank has not been described as having any SN.

At 7 I was the only child not invited to a class party. I vividly remember the feeling of being shut out of everyone else's excitement and the misery of being excluded. I had only joined the school from abroad a month or two beforehand and didnt really know the girl. When I asked her why, she said she didn't like my [New Zealand] accent.

It was utterly crap and I still feel scarred 28 years later. Please don't do that to a 5 year old.

I agree fiveacers it's not that Frank has SN and is quirky or has behaviours associated with that, my dd is hand flapping and stimming. That is totally different.He is nasty and aggressive and violent towards ds, to the point where ds was scared of him and cowering in a corner. Noway would that child be at my ds party. He is not ds responsibility, kindness can be shown towards him in other ways. Op,does not have to do any talking with Franks mum, she simply has a smaller party, or invites half the class.

If everyone grew a pair and did not invite Frank to their DC parties then maybe just maybe he might just learn to behave."

FFS. angry. grow a pair"? In dealing with a troublesome 4 year old? Seriously what the fuck?

Domesticblisser, you've been so lovely. The original statement about learning to behave....sigh...this is how many of the parents of those with additional needs and difficulties, live our life. Having to deal with comments such as that.

I think it proves an old theory of mine. My children (and foster children) have very complex needs, but the worst one, the one for which there is no cure at all, is dealing with the attitudes of others.

As I said earlier, this post is not at all directed to the OP, who has been so kind and understanding, but more to the posters who believe everything is down to bad parenting and can be easily cured with a few well chosen techniques.

(SORRY EVERYONE ELSE)

Great post Ooermissus. Totally agree, tackle via the parents ideally/easy does it to start with. Totally agree your DC has to feel heard n safe. I would speak to the mum to ask that she stay due to 'friction' (which doesn't point thr finger but neither does it infer that it's a mutual thing). If she's genuinely perplexed there's your way in to highlight.. She may well not want to stay/get defensive in which case this problem then goes away ie you have invited Frank but he doesn't come. Your DC needs to be heard I agree so if Frank is coming a chat in advance about how Frank is invited because it wouldn't be fair to leave him out (how would he feel etc) Talk about how x is going to keep an eye and Frank is being given a chance etc etc. If your son is hysterical at this I think your issue is bigger than the party and would get into school to discuss.

Fantastic op, that is a great solution oooermissus that left a tear in my eye, you sound like a fantastic parent, I know your ds will learn so much from yiu

But Frank has repeatedly been called a little shit, who needs to be told no more often.
He is a little boy.
Like I've said before, it's possible that socially he isn't as developed as his peers and needs a little more support, but it is also possible that there are underlying SN (and let's face it, the parents aren't likely to advertise this if it's the case) that are yet to be identified. It's not unusual for children to be diagnosed in their teens, when presumably they've had years of behaviour singling them out as "little shits".
I'm really shocked by this thread and the casual way so many would exclude a 5 year old.

OP, I'm glad you've come up with a solution that your ds is happy with.

Sorry, that was aimed at undoubtably's post about no SN.

Undoubtedly your post astonishes me with its ignorance and disgusts me with its venom. You really should educate yourself and then hang your head in shame.

As the parent of a "Frank", as an adoptive mother of 3 with ASD (none of which were diagnosed until way past 4), and now an experienced foster carer of young people with complex needs, posts like Undoubtedly's make me feel...well make me realise what may have been said behind our backs all our lives. It makes me wish that I could keep them here, safe and warm, so they never had to interact with those who make judgments about them.

I have no idea (obviously) what Frank's needs are, or how he is parented, and certainly would support the OP and her son, in having into her home whoever she wants. I totally understand your duty is to her own child, and particularly on their birthday, they should have a happy time with those who care for them. But the sweeping judgments here make me feel so very, very lonely and, as I said, I now know would have been said about me throughout all the years too.

SN or not, I would have expected that Frank parents had an eye on him during his b'day party though. Actually, I would expect the parents of a child who is emotionally immature or has some (possible) SN/ whatever else might be happening, to be even more careful.
They weren't though.
So what is going to happen during the OP's ds birthady party if Frank decides to have a go at him? Or to have a go at another child instead (bearing in mind that the parents will have left as usual where they leave so it will be the OP's responsibility)?

I think that Op's solution is great (The idea of invitting children from another class is fantastic!) but including Frank would have been a real minefield and as per ooer story, not taught anything to that child anyway.

Ok, well DS and I have talked about it. I explained (again) how it would be very mean to invite everyone but Frank, and he understood, but still didn't want to invite him.

You sound so lovely, OP. Hope your son has the best birthday ever. Thanks also for NEVER once resorting to the judgmental and unkind messages that others have.

river I suspect that in a case like this, you would have been careful because you would have known that your dc/child in your care could let himself into trouble.
I also suspect that if a parent had asked you come and help and keep an eye on your child, you would have done so.

I personally tend to tell my dcs that when people act like this, it's because they are sad/hurt. I also tell them that peole are different and being different is OK and they need to accept them like this.
But I can't tell them that they have to welcome with open arms someone who has treated them badly.

OP I think that's a great solution

JustLikeMe I think you've misread my post. DS2 did learn his lesson. Unfortunately he was completely traumatised in the process.

river I suspect that in a case like this, you would have been careful because you would have known that your dc/child in your care could let himself into trouble.

I also suspect that if a parent had asked you come and help and keep an eye on your child, you would have done so.*

Thank you, JustLikeMe, that's a nice thing to say - a nice judgment for once! LOL However, as my son, or his twin, were never invited to any parties I was unable to put anything into practice.

Perfect solution OP - hope the party goes well

Leave him out... Perchance this is the beginning of a future of unacceptable behaviour that parents need to consider as evidence.. Don't make your son miserable by inviting him just so that you don't feel guilty... You need to send a message and your son needs to have a birthday whereby he doesn't feel intimidated

In case the message HASNT got through, at four, a child may well have undiagnosed special needs/additional problems/behaviour difficulties. That's because the healthcare profession are very reluctant to diagnose and label so early. But that doesn't mean that those issues don't exist, or can be somehow expertly parented away. Some special needs are far far from obvious and don't always include swimming and handflapping (aeroflot) and at only 4, it's perfectly possible the parents are just as baffled, or even in denial about issues that may be obvious to everyone else.

undoubtedly you've used some awful descriptions in your posts which absolutely should never be used to describe a little child and the fact that you've taught this age group is even more chilling. (Admittedly you didnt call them a cunt and I apologise for that.)

I urge all of you to read more about early signs of behavioural difficulties, and find the compassion to cut kids like this a ton of slack. You don't have to tolerate "bad" behaviour but fgs don't ostracise!

In case the message HASNT got through, at four, a child may well have undiagnosed special needs/additional problems/behaviour difficulties. That's because the healthcare profession are very reluctant to diagnose and label so early. But that doesn't mean that those issues don't exist, or can be somehow expertly parented away. Some special needs are far far from obvious and don't always include swimming and handflapping (aeroflot) and at only 4, it's perfectly possible the parents are just as baffled, or even in denial about issues that may be obvious to everyone else.

100* agree. None of my children, and now foster children, were ever formally diagnosed with any of their conditions until at least age 7, and usually considerably longer. Though the signs and symptoms were always there.

Domestic I was using my dd as an example as that is what she does, she is not violent but does a lot of behaviours others might find odd. It is good that people in her previous Ms school invited her to parties, that I am eternally grateful for. But I doubt whether they would if she presented like Frank.. This little boy sounds like my friends 8 year old boy who is being assessed for ASD, and when he was younger, was like this little boy. Yes Frank çoukd we'll have undiagnosed SN.

It is a lot more relevant that Frank's parents behaved badly by not noticing that the OP's DS was cowering and wanting to leave, than that Frank himself behaved badly.

So DS is expected to understand that leaving Frank out is unkind even if Frank has been unkind, but Frank wont understand that being unkind =no party? So you are asking DC to take the moral high ground and let Frank carry on? It 4 year old terms DC does not want Frank there, DS wants mom to protect him, DS wants to mix with kids who are good to him - you are raising a sensible child .... keep it up.

Apologies if this has been suggested as I haven't got through the entire thread. I'm wondering if there could be a middle way -- perhaps you could contact either Frank's mum or their form teacher, explain the problem and organise a reconciliation prior to the party. Ideally Frank will apologise or they will at least make up, you won't have to ostracise Frank (I agree with PPs that leaving kids out at that age for being mean or naughty can become a self-fulfilling prophesy), your DS will not dread the party and hopefully also feel better about Frank's party, and you can have someone on Frank-patrol at the actual party so won't have to worry about repeat behaviour. Obviously this all hinges on a reconciliation being successful - but worth considering??