Inviting whole class but one child.

[OstentatiousBreastfeeder]

I never thought I'd start this thread! I feel like a prick even considering it, but here goes.

DS is 4. He has his fifth birthday coming up and it just so happens that the softplay we're booked with has a really good deal on parties of 25+ children, so we've decided to invite the whole class.

There is a little boy (let's call him Frank) in the class who is really quite horrible to DS. For some inexplicable reason though, DS was always desperate to play with him despite the punching and kicking he'd receive , and he insisted that he wanted Frank at his party.

That was until he got invited to and went to Frank's party the other week. I dropped him off (which was expected and the norm round these parts - I wasn't worried as there were lots of Frank's family helping out) and returned two hours later to find DS tearful and huddled in the corner of the hall with his shoes and coat by him, waiting for me. Apparently Frank had spent the entire time chasing DS and pushing him over, stamping on his feet and being horrible. DS had tried to tell an adult and said that Frank had been told off a couple of times, but he just kept doing it. When DS tried to hide from Frank, he found him and was mean. I know most mothers will say this but DS wouldn't hurt a fly, he's really (sometimes too) sensitive and I think he liked the fact that Frank was so unlike him.

Apart from this experience making me feel like the worst mother in the world for leaving him there alone, it's made DS not want to be Frank's friend anymore. They no longer play at school and he doesn't want him to come to his party.

But I'm inviting the WHOLE CLASS. I can't leave Frank out, can I? He may not be very nice but that's too cruel, isn't it? At the same time I don't want DS to feel his feelings aren't important. I also don't want Frank to spend two hours walloping people at DS' party.

WWYD?

Frank is FOUR. Frank isnt a bully.

There is no way I would let my child exclude just one child. It doesnt work like that. You either have a select few, or the entire class.

Don't invite him. It's simple. If they ask tell them why.

I wouldn't invite a bully to my party.

Tethers put that better than I could. I agree entirely with what Tethers has said.

And I do believe a four year old can be a bully. ( bitter experience)

It is mean to leave 1 child out.

Whole class or just a few.

The children are 4. They might be best mates when they are 9. I wouldn't get worked up about 1 incident. Yes it was horrible for your ds but this was essentially parents not parenting and allowing one child to be pretty awful. It isn't a case of Frank v another child.

Act like a good parent and either invite the whole class or a select few. But if it is the whole class then watch frank like a hawk and intervene as soon as necessary.

It's awful when your ds is upset. I had similar experiences with some mothers and 2 little boys when ds1 was little. Fortunately I never took it out on the boys and now they all play quite well together.

Undoubtedly your post astonishes me with its ignorance and disgusts me with its venom. You really should educate yourself and then hang your head in shame.

Yes Frank is FOUR and so is the OP's son.

You don't require a sensitive FOUR year old to spend his birthday party feeling like crap because he's worried he's going to get knocked black and blue.

Tough shit, Frank.

Luckily Domestic I care very little (not at all actually) about your opinion.

Gosh aren't you pleasant?!

Evening all
Bit of peace and love please.

Frank is just a wee boy, only a year or two out of nappies. His social skills aren't well developed yet. He may have other difficulties, we don't know, but he isn't a bully, for goodness sake. Can I just ask OP that if you do go ahead and invite the whole class, minus Frank, you don't give the invitations to to the class teacher to hand out.

And just so you know Domestic - it was me who reported that.

Ironic in a thread about bullying four year olds - well.

Just so you know, fiveacres, I reported you, and a couple of others, hours ago. You however, aren't 4, presumably.

Shall we get back to the point?

Well, I have had a quick flick through and while some posts have deleted, all mine are still there. I regret it if I have said something that offended you, though I'm flummoxed as to what, unless disagreeing with you in any way causes you offence.

I feel calling someone a name like that (as opposed to using the word in a general sense) is out of line and really puts the bar very low.

At any rate, I think tethers makes a sensible point. I sympathise with 'Frank' - but I must say I wouldn't have him unsupervised at a party!

I have taught this age group, and whilst I do feel for Frank, who is evidently being in some way failed by his caregivers, my inner lioness just wouldn't put DD in that situation at that age. At four, she isn't mature enough to consider putting her own happiness (at her birthday party fgs!) to one side so that another (mean) child could have a fun time.

Do I need to add SN excepted? I take it as read but admittedly many other posters seem not to.

OP I've been in a similar situation and I invited the boy. If you are inviting the whole class then you are not just inviting your child's friends. Ergo it needs to be the whole class. You are not forcing him to be friends with Frank. Invite him and keep an eye on him or scale back the party.

It's not going to "teach him a lesson" if he is left out. It is only likely to contribute to further bad behaviour as he struggles to understand why he is being excluded.

No, I wouldn't invite him, and I wouldn't feel the slightest bit of guilt about it.

Neither would I punish other children by 'knocking them off the list' or punish my child by changing plans for a party they were excited about.

I was in a similar situation when my ds was in reception - one girl continually bullying her - and it WAS bullying, it was calculated and premeditated, and she would pinch, slap and verbally abuse her.

I took DD to her birthday party once in an attempt to foster better relations and had to intervene several times due to bullying. The mother did not intervene. We left early.

The bullying behaviour continued for several years, Dd was not the only victim but did seem to come in for it more than most, until the child abruptly left the school. No idea where she went, as long as its far from my kid I don't care.

Did I bollocks ever invite her to a birthday party. She terrorised my child, Dd was petrified of her. What message am I sending Dd by telling her that her bully's feelings are more important to me than gets? On her BIRTHDAY? Protecting my child is my job. Soothing the sore feelings of a bully is down to their parents, not me.

OP I don't think there is an easy answer to this. But I am going to tell you the story of My DS2.

DS2 was in Reception. He was the youngest in the year with an end of Aug birthday and emotionally mature for his age to boot. It's a small class with around 16 kids.

He had something of a love/hate relationship going on with another boy, we'll call him John. One minute they are best friends, the next they are falling out. The kind of thing you might expect from 4 year olds.

At the start of the spring term I get pulled in by the teacher. DS2 has bitten John. I am horrified; he has never bitten anyone before. I can't understand it. He's made to lose his breaktimes at school and at home he writes a letter of apology (actually he traces over my writing, it takes him ages). We spend a long time talking about how that is unacceptable behaviour. I know the mum to say hello to and I apologise too.

All is well for a few weeks and then DS2 bites him again.

Once again we talk to him, he writes a letter of apology, he loses privileges.

Everything calms down, DS2 and John are getting on well.

About 6 weeks later I get the dreaded 'could I have a quick word?' from the teacher at pickup. John has given out invites to his birthday party. Everyone in the class has got one except DS. DS has been distraught all day. The teacher spoke to John's mum to ask if his invite had been overlooked, mum apparently glared at her and said 'my decision is final'.

I spoke to DS, I told him that John's mum didn't want John's birthday to be spoilt and she was worried that DS might bite John again. I told him it was a shame but (not in so many words) his own fault. I told him he must treat people nicely. DS understood.

It didn't stop him crying himself to sleep for weeks.

When it came to his birthday, he told me he didn't want to invite John because John hadn't invited him. I told him we aren't nasty, we don't want to exclude anyone because look how upset he had been when he was left out. He agreed and we invited the whole class.

I didn't expect John's mum to accept, but she did and John came with his Dad. We had the party at home. It was a great day and everyone enjoyed themselves.

Since then DS2 and John are pretty much the best of friends, occasionally falling out but mostly friendly. They have had sleepovers and been at each others parties. In fact DS2 is one of the 2 children invited to John's 9th birthday treat.

DS2 has never bitten anyone else. But he learnt a very harsh lesson early on.

John's mum, on the other hand, has never really lived down the fact that she was the mother prepared to leave one child out.

I think on balance your decision has less to do with Frank and more to do with his parents. I would try talking to the school about the behaviour and see if they can have a word with the parents. It might be easier to suggest to the parents that they stay and supervise Frank if the school have made them aware there is a problem. But whatever you do, please don't leave poor Frank as the only one not invited. I've seen what it does to a little boy and it's heartbreaking.

Crikey that was long, sorry

undoubtedly makes a good point. My views are perhaps moulded because my DC were never targeted beyond the odd spat.

The trouble with this sort of situation is that there are three crappy solutions all of which are unfair on someone:-

1. Invite Frank - but should a young child really have his (quite reasonable) wishes to not have to spend his party afraid ignored. He already has to spend 30 hours a week with Frank. He has been hurt. If I posted to say my dh treated me the way Frank treats Op's dh then you would all (hopefully) be telling me to leave. Why do my bruises matter more than a 4 year olds?
2. Just leave Frank out. But that is an awful thing to do! We don't know Frank's history - he's just a little boy.
3. Scale back on invitations. Probably the best thing. Except - it is the same children who are always the "scaled back" ones. I suspect my dd is one of those children. Apparently she's well liked at school as she is very kind. But she is also quiet, shy and probably a little bit dull. She likes to sit quietly and draw and write. She is invited to whole class parties. And to the parties of her closest friends. But if it is an "invite 10 from the class" then she is not on very many people's list at all. Even though no one dislikes her. There is a "Frank" in her class and I suspect she has paid for it.....

Good luck Op with whatever you decide.

riveravon's post has made me reconsider. I think you should invite him, have a chat to your son about how people being unkind is usually because they are unhappy themselves, and promise you won't let him spoil the party for him. Then have a team of adults on Frank watch. Or tell his mum to stay and supervise and be prepared to tell her to keep him away from ds if he's being mean.

Thank you so much, littlejohnnydory

Ok, well DS and I have talked about it. I explained (again) how it would be very mean to invite everyone but Frank, and he understood, but still didn't want to invite him.

So he's going to choose up to 15 children from his class that he likes, and 5 children from the other reception class that he's friends with. This I think is an even better idea than the one class party as he gets to invite his friends from the other class too. I'll make up the numbers with cousins and siblings.

Frank won't be invited, but he won't be singled out, either. And it's no great sacrifice really.

Thanks everyone for being my sounding board and for not flaming me.

Sounds like an excellent solution . Have a wonderful party.