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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To leave DD in library whilst I go to work

526 replies

LoveandPeaceGonk · 02/06/2015 11:04

DD is 10.5

I've been a SAHM since she was born. I've managed to find a part-time job 30 minutes drive from where we live (rural location so no jobs locally).

They want me to start in July which is when DD breaks up for 7 weeks.

We're going away for one week and I've booked her in a sports club for another but am struggling with other weeks

There is a really nice library close to where I'll be working. Would I BU to leave her there for one morning/afternoon a week i.e. 3 hours? She's a bookworm so could amuse herself on that plus the computer.

And there's a cafe next door she could pop into. Plus she'd have her phone with her.

What do you think?

OP posts:
alseb · 02/06/2015 18:46

If a situation arose in the library which meant the matter was reported to SS then I do think they would be interested. At the very least I would imagine to offer advice about safeguarding and appropriate supervision of a child. Children can and do wander off. A child of this age requires adult supervision and it is not the role of a librarian to provide free childcare. Most likely no harm would come to the child but you can not guarantee this. The child is 10 not a teenager and is vulnerable.

Icimoi · 02/06/2015 18:49

We don't know that OP is the only person contactable by her dd. She may well have other numbers in her phone.

But, given that OP knows what her job will entail and has thought this through, she has presumably decided that it would be possible for her to leave her job quickly if necessary, just as she would have to do if her dd was taken ill at school or at a childminder's.

Chocolate Wombat, all those concerns you refer to would apply equally to an 11 year old travelling to school on her own, which many 11 year olds do. They may well spend 10 hours a week doing that. No-one thinks that is unacceptable. Indeed, some 10 year olds do it. What's the difference?

Shockers · 02/06/2015 18:56

Although my mother was a SAHM, I still spent a lot of time in the library on my own. My father was actually a librarian, but worked the whole district, so he would generally not be in the same library as me. I went every day on my way home from school, and also spent some time there on most days of school holidays.

The town I live in now was one that my father visited as part of his job... I have so many happy memories of borrowing books for the day and going to sit by the river, I decided to move here as an adult Smile.

Every librarian I ever came across was kind and helpful. I don't remember ever having any unpleasant incidences at all.

I am quite envious of your DD, OP... I'd love to have a full 3 hours to while away in libraries and cafés Wink.

Charley50 · 02/06/2015 18:58

It's only for 3 hours per week over 4 weeks of the summer hols. Children are becoming independent at that age. OP knows her own DD and is comfortable with it.

CoogerAndDark · 02/06/2015 19:14

No one is asking the library staff to provide free childcare. If someone did they'd be quite within their rights to refuse. I have done so in the past - much younger child (4 or 5). Parent grumbled but , nope, sorry.

A 10 year old in the library is completely different. I'm not sure what spin you'd have to put on it to interest SS, but 'child in library, 10 years old, on own' isn't going to raise any eyebrows, I'm afraid.
It comes down to what staff personally think about child supervision and appropriate ages. Certainly contact the relevant agencies if you think there are other issues (done that too), but don't kid yourself you're going to get a parent's wrist slapped for letting a child above the stated policy age for the library area attend a branch on their own.

ChocolateWombat · 02/06/2015 19:20

Icimoi, yes the child may have other phone numbers in her phone. All well and good if she has been told that these are the people to contact if she has need and they know she has been told that and are available to help if the need arises - not okay if these are just numbers of people who have no idea they might be contacted.

The mother leaving her number with the child is absolutely NOT the same thing as leaving it with the school in case of illness etc. if the child is ill at school, the parent is contacted but has the reassurance of knowing that until they can leave work or can get to the school, a recognised adult is in charge and looking after the child. If the child is in the library alone, this is not the case - the child is alone,without a specific known adult they can turn to, until the parent can get there.

Workplaces accept that employees might sometimes have to leave to collect a sick child etc from school. They should be able to reasonably assume assume that parents have put some kind of childcare in place and that their employee won't need to leave to deal with matters other than illness - with the child in the library left alone for half a day, there could be all kinds of reasons why the child felt the need to speak to the parent, or why the parent might then feel the need to go and see them - not on the same level as illness, but requiring a bit of adult attention anyway.
The fact that the parent says she is flexible in work and can nip out if needed to, just isn't good enough - it means the child has to be left in the library, so that 'nipping out' is viable because of the distance, and it quite simply is not good enough, because actually she is working and unless it is a job where she is totally flexible about when and where she works (clearly not,with a rigid 3 hour working slot) - she needs to accept that if her daughter is too young to be let at home for 3 hours, she cannot be both the child carer AND at work at the same time.

The OP wants too much. She wants to be at work and for her child to not be at home alone. However the OP clearly can't be in 2 places at a time or do 2 things at once and during this tricky age until the girl CAN be left alone, she really needs to put something in place which involves someone specific who is available.

And finally, I really don't think what the OP is proposing is akin to a child travelling to school alone. Firstly, this is perfectly normal - journeys are not usually 3 hours in one go, are often with other children, and those running public transport at school times do keep an eye out for children and have the contact details of the schools in case of need. Children making such journeys can contact a parent or they can contact the school - the school will be available to offer advice or to make contact with a parent if necessary - the child is not left alone. Crucially though, we are not talking about 3 hours at a time for 10 year olds, even if over a period of a week, the total amount of time spent travelling is more than 3 hours or even 10.

merrymouse · 02/06/2015 19:29

I think it's fine if you think she is sensible and won't get bored. 11 year olds often spend a couple of hours a day on travelling to and from school. Nobody expects the bus driver or guard to be in loco parentis.

CoogerAndDark · 02/06/2015 19:31

I'm sure if something occurred that wasn't illness but showed that OP's DD didn't feel able to cope with being in a public space alone for 3 hours then OP would have a rethink. Being called out of work would only happen once, therefore. She'd have tried it, ok, doesn't work for us, let's look into other options.

The travel to school is a good analogy imo. The bus driver isn't in loco parentis, the Bus Monitors certainly aren't. Yet we trust our DC to make their own judgements about situations that are out of the ordinary (bus doesn't turn up, bad behaviour etc).

RiverTam · 02/06/2015 19:32

you're welcome, OP (sorry, was out for a bit, didn't see your comment) Smile.

I love how so many people assume that the OP is a total dimwit. She doesn't know her own child. She hasn't checked with her own child that she's happy with this. She hasn't checked the opening times of the library. She hasn't put any backup in place should the DD not go for this. She doesn't know if her workplace are fine having her phone next to her (mine would be totally fine with this, as would DH's)...

Goodness, it's a wonder that her DD has got to aged 10 without mishap, or that she managed to get a job at all, she's such a plum. Or, maybe she's not...

oddfodd · 02/06/2015 19:32

When I was 10 I was off out on my bike in the summer holidays all day long. My mum gave me a packed lunch and I came home for tea.

Now I appreciate that things have changed but have 10 year olds suddenly become incapable? Next year she'll be getting herself to secondary school on her own.

If her DD is happy to sit in the library then I really don't see the issue.

wonkylegs · 02/06/2015 19:35

ChocolateWombat - none of the bus/metro drivers round here have the school numbers or keep a special eye on kids - kids on public transport are the same as any other member of the public.

Icimoi · 02/06/2015 19:55

Chocolate, in the London area journeys to school may well be an hour or more and there is every likelihood that children will not be travelling with other pupils. And I can assure you that there is absolutely no-one on the underground or overground keeping an eye on children, let alone with contact details for all schools within the vicinity.

motherwithheadache · 02/06/2015 20:12

Puzzled to think of what things child would need to see mother that urgently, that can't be solved by phone. Or what illness is so urgent that can't wait for whatever time it takes mother to get to library, which wouldn't happen to an older child.

StrumpersPlunkett · 02/06/2015 20:23

interesting variety in points of view, reflecting the variety in developmental readiness of 10 year olds for this situation.

I asked my v confident (bike riding round the village on his own with his mates) 10 year old and he wouldn't feel comfortable at all. However I know there would be other parents who would be horrified that I go to my friends for a cuppa and leave the kids at home alone. Only you and your daughter know if this is right for you.

merrymouse · 02/06/2015 20:24

Presumably librarians have to deal with anybody who is suddenly ill or hurt in a library.

Tryingtokeepalidonit · 02/06/2015 20:25

I cannot get away from the fact that the OP is ignoring the fact that libraries are open to all and whilst most people pop in and out, the people who spend extended time there are quite often people with social difficulties. Whilst Op's Dd is happy to read is she capable of dealing with a variety of strangers who sometimes have complex mental health issues? I think some practice visits of varying lengths would be needed.
I worked in libraries over 20 years ago and as a 20 plus year old graduate found some of the people frightening even though they were no direct threat.

LoveandPeaceGonk · 02/06/2015 20:27

Not finished reading all posts yet but wanted to clarify a couple of things. Raising a child involves a lot of risk assessments and it's bloody difficult at times. Last summer, I was happy for DD to hang out with friends at the local park but I wouldn't let her walk home alone. Not because I didn't trust her but she would have to cross a road which is difficult for adults to negotiate let alone a 9 year old. My sister thought I was being over protective and said we made our way home from the park (different area) alone at that age. But there was a lot less traffic then - early 70s.

I do leave DD alone in the house but I'm never more than 10 minutes away - that's my comfort zone. When I was 10 my friend and I would catch a bus to the local swimming pool; I'm happy to let DD and her friend swim for hours but I drive them there. I wouldn't judge another parent for letting their 10 year olds make their own way there but I'm not ready to do that.

The library is close to where I will be working and both DD and I are comfortable with what I'm proposing. I posted because I was interested in people's views - including those who disagree with me.

OP posts:
Lweji · 02/06/2015 20:27

Well, I asked my 10 year old DS and he would be fine, although he'd find it boring.

Singsongsung · 02/06/2015 20:32

I think you absolutely are treating this as childcare and that that is absolutely unreasonable. You have no idea who might be in that library for those same 3 hours and are expecting the staff to ensure the safety of your child.

Pay for childcare like everyone else does.
And yes, library staff would be perfectly within their remit to ring social services.

Yarp · 02/06/2015 20:34

I think it's absolutely fine OP

TheoriginalLEM · 02/06/2015 20:38

i actually think it is bloody disgusting - there. i said it.

merrymouse · 02/06/2015 20:39

No more than I would call social services to report the many 11 year olds waiting at bus stops.

Public transport is also open to all.

Yarp · 02/06/2015 20:41

I also think it doesn't much matter what anyone else thinks. You will weight the risks and benefits according to the knowledge of your own child

soverylucky · 02/06/2015 20:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

grannytomine · 02/06/2015 20:45

It seems that some librarians would like libraries to have books but no people. I felt like that about customers when I worked in a shop on a Saturday when I was 15. I have heard the occasional nurse say it about patients.

Library staff need to accept that members of the public will use the library or they will have no job. I wokred it out when I was 15. I have never been in a library where you couldn't sit and read, use the computers, look at newspapers/magazines. Do many libraries have a time limit? I think it is unreasonable to say a ten year old can't use the library for 3 hrs if adults can.

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