Can we talk about the personal attacks on AIBU?

[taleoftwosatellites]

Inspired by a thread that got deleted earlier today, but not about that thread in particular...

Back when I joined MN (2008) AIBU was a place for robust discussion. People weren't shy to point out when they thought others were being unreasonable.

The difference then, IMO, was that people didn't resort to character assassinations of the OP to make their point.

There was a famous thread in classics where an OP wanted to take his supersoaker to a (non supersoaker) birthday party. EVERYONE responded that she was being unreasonable but she wouldn't accept it. The thread went on forever, here

Here are five responses from the first page of that thread:

"um. i think id say no. soakers are only funny if everybody has them. i think it might all end in tears if only 2 out of the party have them."

"I think it would be very wrong to take it. It it were a water pistol party and everyone were taking them then fine. If it were your DS's party then fine otherwise I'd be bloody pissed off if some kid turned up at my kid's party and soaked everyone."

"no no no no!!!!! you have to talk to your boy and say that you are really sorry but you have changed your mind and it really isn't a good idea at all. trust me-it will end in tears if he takes it."

"(and my DS is 8 too - he's old enough to go to a party and not need to take something with him. "

"I think it may be sensible to leave the super soaker at home. It will end in tears. Your DS will survive without it."

Strong opinions but no personal attacks on the OP.

Contrast with a thread from AIBU of today:

"When you are not so grumpy go round and explain how you feel and they might just switch off the light or even change the bulbs for dimmer ones."

"It's called living around other people. Stop complaining."

"Tell them (nicely, when you're not so grumpy) "

"If you came round and asked me this, I'd have you down as batshit crazy neighbour. "

"It's a household light. Houses have them and people use them. Stop being such a drama queen precious princess"

Does anyone notice the difference in tone? Is it that MN has grown so big that personal attacks just aren't deleted anymore. Or have people stopped reporting them?

I think AIBU is quite useful for getting a perspective you may not have considered before but it's painful trawling through the mud-slinging just to get to the point.

It's almost become the culture to tack a personal attack on to the end of your point of view? AIBU used to be a robust exchange of views, now it's just a goady troll-fest.

What's it all about?

I remember reading threads in the olden days on here about how MN is full of thickos now.

Why do you think posters fucked off to moldies?

I think a lot of it depends on the attitude of the OP too - on the super-soaker thread, it seemed as though the OP genuinely didn't want to ruin the party, had spoken politely to the mother concerned and was just having trouble taking on board the arguments against doing what she had planned. She was keen to minimise the chances of things going wrong and thought that everyone could have a good time.

On today's thread, the OP seemed to think that the inhabitants of the house across the road were de facto cunts for even thinking of having their lights on all night, but had never actually asked them to switch them off or made any attempt to limit the impact their being on had on her. She seemed determined to believe that leaving the light on was an act of supreme inconsiderateness, rather than someone who probably had some reason for doing it and had no idea of the fact it was annoying someone else.

Sometimes on AIBU, I think you get the responses you deserve, although I have seen a number of surprising backlashes to questions that I thought were fairly innocuous.

I was so devastated by the vile responses I got I went to bed sobbing, I wasn't expecting everyone to agree with me but I did not expect to be called
" a terrible mother" ....a "silly cow", and had a couple of posters question my honestly and was harranged for not answering all the questions fast enough... Totally unnecessarily, I'm thick skinned and can be told I'm u.... But not at all the helpful advice I was after

I don't the ganging up and nit picking. If a new or unknown poster takes on mumsnet royalty, how dare they?! If you disagree fair enough but it's a sport to give the op a kicking like the thread that was deleted earlier about the grass cutting. Lots have left this site because so much nastiness has replaced the humour.

Yes the grass thread was a good case in point stayanotherday.

The grass cutting thread shouldn't have been deleted.

Half of the posters agreed with the OP on the grass cutting thread. Then she got the arse and asked for it to be deleted.

The thread wouldn't have been deleted in the Good Old Days though.

Some responses are harsh and cross the line.

Mostly though it is just a straight to the point response.

I do find it interesting that certain topics almost guarantee a bun fight. Threads about dogs for example. I did once manage to start a thread about dogs which didn't result in me getting my arse handed to me on a plate. I was quite pleased. Though one poster did try to have a go because I was responding to other posters questions too much . Not arguing with them, just responding. That was odd.

Threads relating to special/additional needs also often go badly, I think a lot of the time because people don't think before they post. Or because a lot of people are arseholes. One of the two. And when they get called out on it they round on said poster doing the calling out for being "defensive". Well, you would be if someone was talking rubbish about something which affects your life, your child with zero empathy! So there's often a lot of deleted posts on those threads.

Mumsnet Royalty? That sounds so bitter when people say that. How do explain Royalty then?

Because some people keep the same name for years. Others change every few months. Trotting out Mumsnet Royalty is a rather tired argument. I also think it's quite goady.

Actually, I'd love someone to name these Royalty, rather than snidley referring to a group of posters. It's quite low behaviour.

Thanks tale and usual. It's a shame. I'm all up for a good healthy debate as a lot of others but there's no need for the nastiness and rudeness on here. I think many posters hide behind the screen and wouldn't behave like that in the "outside world"!

I agree alis. Here we go again. Whisk - there was a thread a while ago where a new poster was being ganged up on by regulars. I questioned their behaviour and dished it back in defence of the op. I was told how dare an unknown do that. If people can't take it they shouldn't dish it out. I'm not naming posters individually as it's unfair when I'm not aware of them being here to defend themselves. Complaining about people behind their backs is unfair to them.

I think some posters hide behind name changes on here. At least 'Royalty' own their posts.

Fair point. It can be some and mirrors.

That should read smoke and mirrors!

wtf is a regular ?
this is a massive site, not a small forum

I was told that by a regular that I had no right to challenge. I think you know what it means samcro and I never said it wasn't.

Yes, please tell us who called you an unknown. I'd also like to know.

how do you know what I know?

How do you know they were a regular? How do you know who's a regular on this thread?

As already said I'm not naming somebody who isn't on this thread. It's unfair to bitch about individuals behind their backs.

of course not
so why start it

Because some people post under the same user name all the tie and I recognised them.

Because that's what happened.