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AIBU?

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Original poster

To only financially provide for my own children?

549 replies

tinyboxtim · 31/05/2015 15:37

DH and I have been married for three years. Together we have eight (yes, eight) children. I have two (Ds11 and Dd9), he has three (SD10, SS9, Sd6) and together we have three (DTS2 and DD4mnths).

Our all entire relationship we have kept our finances completely separate. We do have a joint account that we each put our proportion of household bills and money for our childrens together needs in to. Besides that, I have always provided for my own children, and he has provided for his children/payed their child support. We live in the house that was gifted to myself and my first late husband. It has always worked well for us.

Because of our respective careers, the money my late husband left behind, and the amount that DH pays in cs, I have a lot more disposable cash than my husband. Because of this, my children have different lifestyle than my stepchildren.

Over the last couple of months, my eldest SD has been very resentful about this, making passive aggressive comments about how DD1 has something she doesn't have, etcetera.

WIBU to explain to her this weekend that we all have two parents in life that are responsible for providing for us, and just like how her dad, and to a much lesser expense, her mum (didn't say this) provide for her, I am responsible to provide for my children the best that I can? And to tell her that in the future she will need to bring it up with mum and dad if she wants something, not me, as, financially, she is not my responsibility?

OP posts:
IanHislopsLawyer · 31/05/2015 18:42

"Does your SDD actually know that you and your DH keep your finances totally apart, as that might help a lot with understanding how it works - you haven't pooled your money and then prevented her father from spending "his" money equally on her."

That's a very valid point and I'd think it might make a lot of difference.

I do believe that the OP has every right not to share finances and to make another independent adult's income her business. I'd hate to be answerable to anyone myself which is why I wouldn't expect anyone to be answerable to me. I think it possible that the OP feels the same way.

Regarding room allocation, is anyone seriously suggesting that the OP should turf one of her elder children out of the bedroom that their late Daddy decorated specially for them to accommodate children who although related to their mother's husband aren't related to them and who only visit occasionally? When there is another bedroom available for their sole use, when they have their own bedrooms in their main home and it's not as if they're are required to sleep under the table in the dining room?

ItsTricky · 31/05/2015 18:44

It's all a bit of a mess. I wouldn't be surprised if in ten years time you find your stepchildren have cut you and your husband out of their lives. Unfairness between siblings/step siblings runs deep. They may well contend with self esteem issues also as a result of being treated differently.

fedupbutfine · 31/05/2015 18:45

Fedup - my DH don't share finances, haven't since we met 12 years ago. Doesn't make us any less of a family, I think that's massively insulting to be honest and total bullshit. Money doesn't make you a family ffs

there is a difference between keeping finances separate and not really knowing or caring what the other half is doing with their money. You can hardly call yourself married/a family/working together (or whatever you care to call it) if you're unaware of the other's relative financial position - you're not separate units, you're working together. For what it's worth, I would never share my financial life with a new partner after my experiences with my ex but I would expect to understand what my new partner had coming in/going out (and he me) and would be looking to ensure that we made a fair contribution to the running of our joint households, savings, future plans etc. I would very much care if he were wasting money or making major purchases without my knowledge.

AlecTrevelyan006 · 31/05/2015 18:45

do the children get on when they are together? do they play together? how do they interact?

morage · 31/05/2015 18:46

Except you are not going to be able to have the DCs, 2 boys and a girl, share a room as they get older. And they do stay there very regularly.

CheeseToastie123 · 31/05/2015 18:47

I am very curious to find out if the late husband's money is indeed only spent on his biological children. I'm also pretty damn sure it isn't / won't be. I've been the poor relation stepchild. It is a pretty shit place to be.

IanHislopsLawyer · 31/05/2015 18:47

"So OP are you ring fencing the money your late husband left you solely for his children?

Or are you happy to spend his money on all of your children."

And? If she does, why shouldn't she? It's the OP's money now, it's sadly not her late husband's any longer. He left it to her and in the absence of statement to the contrary he presumably left it to her without proviso.

The OP can spend her money on her children if she wants. Any of her children, that is. She can spend it on gin if she likes. It's hers to do with as she chooses. And she chooses to spend it on her children, not someone else's children. That's neither a sin nor a crime.

ElkTheory · 31/05/2015 18:47

The stepchildren didn't ask their parents to divorce or for their father to marry someone with kids either. I don't really see it as putting the needs of the stepchildren ahead of anyone else. In a large family, I think sharing becomes inevitable. And in this case, the OP's older children would still have their own rooms the majority of the time, only sharing every other weekend. The configurations of who shares with whom often change over the years but under the present circumstances that is how I would allocate rooms.

Original poster
tinyboxtim · 31/05/2015 18:48

slithytove, my children were 2 and 4 when their dad died.

DH and BM were never married, and BM found out she was pregnant with DSD2 shortly after they broke up, so 7ish years ago.

OP posts:
ElkTheory · 31/05/2015 18:48

Sorry, that last message was directed to Rudeawakening.

Aeroflotgirl · 31/05/2015 18:50

Looking at it from the outside, it isen't a blended family at all, I feel that op sounds very cold and distant towards the step children. When you married your dh, they came as a package, like your children came with you. You really know and be concerned whether your dh has made equal provision for your step kids, or are you just concerned with yourself and your own, which it is how it looks.

GoodbyeToAllOfThat · 31/05/2015 18:51

Siblings should enjoy the same standard of living. If you felt so strongly about honouring your late husband's wishes that his estate supported an elevated standard of living for your children, then you should have remained single or married someone who could maintain the same standard.

Am I to understand that your husband's children go to state school and yours go privately? Isn't that pretty awkward?

kungfupannda · 31/05/2015 18:51

I don't think people are suggesting the OP's older children should give up their rooms - just that they should share with their step-siblings every other weekend.

Otherwise it's the SDCs who are expected to make all the compromises.

There are 8 children in the family, and it's difficult to see how things will ever be remotely harmonious if 2 of the 8 are allowed to live what are effectively entirely separate lives within the family, and not muck in with everyone else. No, it's not the OP's older children's fault that this situation arose, but then it's not her SDCs' fault either.

It might be worth trying a bit of compromise from everyone and see if that leads to less resentment all round.

slithytove · 31/05/2015 18:52

The reason I ask is, since all the children were so young, these lifestyles werent continued.

I can understand you and your late DH having decided that your children would be privately educated.

If your current DH and his ex didn't make that decision, and it's just to make things equal, then it feels a bit petty. Clearly private school was important to you and not to them.

In which case, does the choice to send your 3 youngest to private school when the time comes, come mainly from you?

Do you expect your DH to match all the money you spend on your three youngest? E.g. If he couldn't afford private school for them, could you afford it alone without going into your eldests inheritance?

AlecTrevelyan006 · 31/05/2015 18:53

do the children get on together? do they play together?

Rudawakening · 31/05/2015 18:53

Fedup well I'm glad my DH and I are more open minded and trusting than you. My DH works 80+ hours a week a lot of nights and away from home, once the bills are paid he can do what he likes with his money, I know roughly what he earns and what goes on, but I have never ever felt the need to monitor and make sure he isn't 'wasting it' what a sad life that would be not being able to trust my husband.

Anyway I don't want to de-rail the OP's thread anymore than this has done already.

Original poster
tinyboxtim · 31/05/2015 18:54

Alec The girls either get along like a house on fire or they are ripping each others hair out. There is no in between.

DS and SS get along fine. Not BFF's, but very civil and can play with one another with no issues.

DS1 and DSD1, there are some big boundry issues that we are trying to address. Things like her touching him, following him, trying to watch him in the toilet and shower, but that is a different post.

OP posts:
paxtecum · 31/05/2015 18:56

I wonder what marriage vows some people make.

It used to be 'With all my worldly goods I thee endow'

Modern version:'All that I have I share with you'

Are they just words that mean nothing? These days many husbands and wives have no idea how much each other earns or what they do with their money.

ChickenLaVidaLoca · 31/05/2015 18:58

OP did you really never think this situation might arise if you decided to have more DC and keep finances in the way that you have?

ChickenLaVidaLoca · 31/05/2015 18:59

To be fair paxtecum, you've no idea what marriage vows OP made. She might not have made any at all.

slithytove · 31/05/2015 19:00

If the Dsc were expected to share a room with their step siblings, then op would be criticised for not giving the steps space of their own, as it would be classed as temporary.

Sometimes you just can't win.

Op. Is there an option to convert a loft, or garage, or build an extension?

Original poster
tinyboxtim · 31/05/2015 19:00

Ruda, My husband works 80+ as well. It works for my family, it obviously works for your family, so what other people think really isn't an issue. As long as the bills are payed and their is food on the table, like I said, I don't care if he is building the time machine, so I don't know why others would.

OP posts:
fedupbutfine · 31/05/2015 19:00

Fedup well I'm glad my DH and I are more open minded and trusting than you. My DH works 80+ hours a week a lot of nights and away from home, once the bills are paid he can do what he likes with his money, I know roughly what he earns and what goes on, but I have never ever felt the need to monitor and make sure he isn't 'wasting it' what a sad life that would be not being able to trust my husband

sigh. That's not what I said, is it?

Although you haven't dealt with a husband spending on his mistress whilst your mortgage goes unpaid, have you?

whois · 31/05/2015 19:00

The whole situation sounds incredible complex and it's very difficult to do right by everyone.

However, at the moment the only people who are making all the compromises are the step chikdren. It's not the OPs job to 'provide' for them, but she should never have married their father if she didn't want them to be a meaningful part of her life. It seems like the children from the DH's first marriage have been cast aside. Although really, this is 99.9% his fault, given they are actually his children.

I very rarely think that 'blended families' are in any way good for the children involved.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 31/05/2015 19:05

Things do sound unbalanced in your home OP, but I don't think that it is your responsibility to even that balance up, its your DHs. If he chooses not to, and it sounds like he can afford to but actively chooses not to, then HE needs to explain that to his dc. YANBU at all.