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AIBU?

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Original poster

To only financially provide for my own children?

549 replies

tinyboxtim · 31/05/2015 15:37

DH and I have been married for three years. Together we have eight (yes, eight) children. I have two (Ds11 and Dd9), he has three (SD10, SS9, Sd6) and together we have three (DTS2 and DD4mnths).

Our all entire relationship we have kept our finances completely separate. We do have a joint account that we each put our proportion of household bills and money for our childrens together needs in to. Besides that, I have always provided for my own children, and he has provided for his children/payed their child support. We live in the house that was gifted to myself and my first late husband. It has always worked well for us.

Because of our respective careers, the money my late husband left behind, and the amount that DH pays in cs, I have a lot more disposable cash than my husband. Because of this, my children have different lifestyle than my stepchildren.

Over the last couple of months, my eldest SD has been very resentful about this, making passive aggressive comments about how DD1 has something she doesn't have, etcetera.

WIBU to explain to her this weekend that we all have two parents in life that are responsible for providing for us, and just like how her dad, and to a much lesser expense, her mum (didn't say this) provide for her, I am responsible to provide for my children the best that I can? And to tell her that in the future she will need to bring it up with mum and dad if she wants something, not me, as, financially, she is not my responsibility?

OP posts:
Rudawakening · 31/05/2015 19:05

tiny it does work for us and I'm pleased it works for you. I know a lot of my friends wish they had done the same when they first met the husbands as they have a lot of arguments over who spends what etc. Never happens for us.

fedup no I haven't, I've been with DH since I was 18, I'm sorry if your ex did that but not every guy will.

Mehitabel6 · 31/05/2015 19:07

I would never have entered into it, or had more children, if some were 'more equal' than others. If they are a blended family I would blend all the finances and treat them equally.

Jojoanna · 31/05/2015 19:09

Op how long have you and DH been together ?

IanHislopsLawyer · 31/05/2015 19:11

"Op how long have you and DH been together ?"

Why's that relevant?

Are you trying to establish what I think you're trying to establish Jojoanna?

WanderingAboutRandomly · 31/05/2015 19:13

OP
Do you see the step kids as being as part of your family unit? Or, when you think of your family does it only include your DH and your own biological children.

I can see that the late DHs money should be for his kids but the inequality between all the children is really extreme. I think the sleeping arrangements plus the private schooling plus the expensive activities all amounts to a horribly obvious disparity in the way the kids are treated.

The step kids must really feel like the poor relations. The fact that the step kids are similar ages to the OPs make it even worse as does the fact that they are at the age where they will be very aware of the differences. I imagine as they get older it will get worse and worse.

This situation might solve itself as the step kids might well end up feeling so hard done by that they will stop visiting.

Logically I understand why it's like it is but i don't think the step kids will see it like that. I feel sorry for them.

I wonder how the OP is planning to write her will. Will she divide it according to the same rules which would be that her and her late DCs get shares worth twice as much as that received by her children with her current DH.

It's a really difficult situation. The OP is not wrong to want 'her' money to be for her kids but that's at odds with what is best for the family unit - (which includes the step kids)

Rudawakening · 31/05/2015 19:13

Op said that the SC Mum found out she was pregnant with last child about 7 years ago, so I guess less than that.

Not sure why it's at all relevant though.

Superexcited · 31/05/2015 19:15

If OPs husband contributes an equal amount to each of his children then I don't see why OP should provide more towards the step children, they are not her children. Lots of couples don't totally combine incomes especially when there is the complication of one owning a house outright and having inheritance money.
The step children's mother is also responsible for contributing towards her children.
Nobody is suggesting that the step mum should even things up if she was the one with extra spending power due to a mortgage free house and an inheritance.
If OP puts half towards her children's education and her husband pays half and her husband has also offered half towards the education of OPs step children then it sounds like OPs DH is treating the children as equally as he can. The problem is that the step children's mother can't /won't contribute the same. We can't seriously expect OP to find half towards her step children's education as well.

fedupbutfine · 31/05/2015 19:16

fedup no I haven't, I've been with DH since I was 18, I'm sorry if your ex did that but not every guy will

so...it's OK for you to have a system that works for you but if other people have a different system that works for them then they are automatically controlling, or don't have open minds, or don't trust etc. etc.?

Marriage is complex and individual in all cases. I don't personally think the OP is describing a marriage or a union or a 'coming together' - just two people living in the same house with entirely separate financial lives. I don't personally think marriage works like that - even if I have every understanding of why people may want to keep their finances separate. It is perfectly possible to trust someone to be sensible with money whilst expecting discussion and agreement on larger purchases which affect the household as a whole.

The OP is describing a 'what's mine is mine and what's yours is mine but what's mine is most definitely not yours' situation. I don't agree she should have to fund her step children's education but I do think she is being deliberately disingenuous about why her step children may be struggling. Moreover, I think she couldn't care less how her step children feel and rather enjoys that her husband is prepared to put her family and their children first. Very sad state of affairs.

Hygge · 31/05/2015 19:17

About the school fees.

Your DP said he would pay his half for his biological children to go to private school the same as your children with your first husband (and your joint children together when the time comes).

But his ex/their mother can't afford to pay her share so they can't go.

What's he doing with that money? The money that would have been his half?

Because even if their mother can't afford for them to go to private school, if he wants to treat all his children equally then that money should be being put aside for them so they can use it later. So at the very least they understand that he has tried to treat them the same as his children with you.

Mygardenistoobig · 31/05/2015 19:20

I think as long as the children are all treated fairly when at the op house as she says they are, then that is fine.

I don't think it is unfair for the ops children to go to private school whilst the husbands children don't. That decision is for their mother annd father to make and pay for .

Op I would leave your husband to talk to his dd.

chinam · 31/05/2015 19:21

Fast forward ten years or so and the step daughter will be posting here or somewhere similar to talk about the toxic relationship she has with her "blended" family. Op are you going to spend your late husband's money on your youngest children?

Shelby2010 · 31/05/2015 19:21

The conversation should be with your DH about making more of his income available for his older children, so they have the same material items as their step-siblings. Also he should pay for extra curricular activities even if his ex can't pay her half.

Personally I wouldn't talk about your older children preferring to have their father alive than his money (although I'm sure it's true), because in the step-children's view your children now have their (step-children's) dad full time as well as more money, so possibly feel resentful about this too.

Jojoanna · 31/05/2015 19:22

I was trying to establish how long op has had a relationship with the SC.

AlecTrevelyan006 · 31/05/2015 19:23

tinyboxtim - Alec The girls either get along like a house on fire or they are ripping each others hair out. There is no in between.

DS and SS get along fine. Not BFF's, but very civil and can play with one another with no issues.

...

glad the kids get on.

And how do you FEEL about your step children?

Rudawakening · 31/05/2015 19:24

fedup this is my last post on this as it's de-railing the thread. You said that people who don't share finances or have no idea what the other is spending money on don't have a marriage or a union. So because you dont agree with their system they are not 'married'.

The Op never said they don't discuss large purchases just that month to month she doesn't know what he does. Just like I don't but DH and I discuss joint purchases when they are required but he went out and bought a bike without discussing it with me, he knows I'd have said yes anyway it's his money.

As for the Op being disingenuous that's for the Op to answer, personally I think it's a difficult situation all round because she is her DC's only advocate in that house, all other children have 2 parents to stand up for them.

Superexcited · 31/05/2015 19:24

Op are you going to spend your late husband's money on your youngest children?

So what if she does? It is her money to do with as she pleases, she can spend it on her children if she likes but she doesn't have to spend it on somebody else's children if she doesn't want to (especially when those children have 2 parents already supporting them financially),

RedHelenB · 31/05/2015 19:26

Personally I wouldn't talk about your older children preferring to have their father alive than his money (although I'm sure it's true), because in the step-children's view your children now have their (step-children's) dad full time as well as more money, so possibly feel resentful about this too.

IanHislopsLawyer · 31/05/2015 19:27

"I was trying to establish how long op has had a relationship with the SC."

But Jojoanna why does that matter? How's it relevant? Or shall I hazard a guess?

ovumahead · 31/05/2015 19:29

I'm sorry not to have read all 13 pages of comments. If it helps to know, I grew up in a household where my younger stepsisters were treated very differently to my brother and I. It has left me deeply scarred. Growing up in a house where they were given overt preferential treatment - privately educated at an extremely expensive school, had cars bought for them, had a pony, designer clothes etc, while my brother and I went to a crap local comprehensive and lived in shit clothes. It hurt because it was also clearly my own (birth) mother's choice to allow this to happen. The effects this had on my self esteem have been immense. Growing up feeling second best, inferior, having wealth and observing the difference in affection between by step dad and sisters to me, had been extraordinarily painful. It still affects me now and I'm in my 30s!

Please just consider what the disparity in support says and means to each child within the family. It may well have different meanings for all of them. For those left feeling 'less than' it will no doubt hurt.

Thetruthshallmakeyefret · 31/05/2015 19:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fedupbutfine · 31/05/2015 19:30

So because you dont agree with their system they are not 'married'

and again, not what I said. Never mind.

worridmum · 31/05/2015 19:31

well I think the DH should actully step and fund his older children tbh it sounds like 50/50 of costs is not working out (as it sounds liek the OP earns a fair amount more then DH) so shouldnt that fact me shown with the costs ? so the OP pay more for her own children so freeing up money so he can spend it on his other children? so that the OP doesnt have to spend any money on them?

Plus 3 children of differen genders in one room is very harsh isnt it?

PeruvianFoodLover · 31/05/2015 19:31

tiny as you've ignored my question several times, I'll ask it a different way.

Did you and your DH plan your youngest DCs together, or were they "accidental" pregnancies?

Did you give any thought to the impact of further DCs on your grieving children, and on your DHs older DCs, or did you ignorantly bring more DCs into your family with no thought as to the impact that would have on your existing DCs?

Jojoanna · 31/05/2015 19:33

Becausd the OP seems to be quite cold towards them and it seems a harsh conversation she was contemplating having with her SC.

Thetruthshallmakeyefret · 31/05/2015 19:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.