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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To only financially provide for my own children?

549 replies

tinyboxtim · 31/05/2015 15:37

DH and I have been married for three years. Together we have eight (yes, eight) children. I have two (Ds11 and Dd9), he has three (SD10, SS9, Sd6) and together we have three (DTS2 and DD4mnths).

Our all entire relationship we have kept our finances completely separate. We do have a joint account that we each put our proportion of household bills and money for our childrens together needs in to. Besides that, I have always provided for my own children, and he has provided for his children/payed their child support. We live in the house that was gifted to myself and my first late husband. It has always worked well for us.

Because of our respective careers, the money my late husband left behind, and the amount that DH pays in cs, I have a lot more disposable cash than my husband. Because of this, my children have different lifestyle than my stepchildren.

Over the last couple of months, my eldest SD has been very resentful about this, making passive aggressive comments about how DD1 has something she doesn't have, etcetera.

WIBU to explain to her this weekend that we all have two parents in life that are responsible for providing for us, and just like how her dad, and to a much lesser expense, her mum (didn't say this) provide for her, I am responsible to provide for my children the best that I can? And to tell her that in the future she will need to bring it up with mum and dad if she wants something, not me, as, financially, she is not my responsibility?

OP posts:
fiveacres · 31/05/2015 15:51

I think this very much depends on the sort of things you are referring to, but it really doesn't sound like a very happy house to me and I feel for your stepchildren.

listsandbudgets · 31/05/2015 15:51

How obvious do you make it OP?

I remember being bought a packet of felt tips for christmas. My SB and SS got a computer to share

PtolemysNeedle · 31/05/2015 15:52

YANBU. Your eldest children don't have their Dad any more, that doesn't even begin to compare to your DSD not having some material object. That might be difficult for an 10yo to understand, but that's why 10yos don't make the decisions about family finances.

Even leaving that aside, she wouldn't expect her own mother to provide your children with a gift or treat every time she bought one for your step children, so yes, if she brings it up again, it might well be worth ponting out to her that each child is paid for by their own two parents. Unless your step children live with you, there is no possibility of them ever being treated all the same, so YANBU.

Nevergoingtolearn · 31/05/2015 15:52

It's a tough one, his children should be getting equal amounts from their mother and father, there are going to be times where they might get less than your children, there also maybe times when they get more ( if their mother buys them something ). I have just split from my dh but he had children from a previous marriage, they didn't always get the same as our own children did, he payed maitanance and would help out with things when he could but they also had a mother to support them too so often got things my children didn't such as holidays, mobile phones and games consoles.

Original poster
tinyboxtim · 31/05/2015 15:52

I do treat them fairly when they are all here - If I buy something for one, like sweets or small toys, I buy for all, and I never buy bigger things if it can be helped while they are here.

I mean just bigger things they see that I buy when they aren't here (3ds, dolls.), schools (my kids go to private, sc go to public.), extra curricular's.

OP posts:
clareabouts · 31/05/2015 15:54

I'm still cross about the time I got a framed print for my birthday and my cousin got a trip to Disneyland from our mutual aunt. This stuff affects kids a lot. I don't think YABU, but I do think you need to tread really carefully and do what you can to make sure SCs don't feel they're getting second-date treatment.

I also agree with the PPs who have said that their father needs to involve himself in the conversation, if one is being had.

NickiFury · 31/05/2015 15:54

I wouldn't want to see my children have less so that my step children could have more. I know this so would never be with a man with children because I agree that all children in a family should be treated equally and I would find it hard to do without resentment.

fiveacres · 31/05/2015 15:54

I am the same Nicki.

clareabouts · 31/05/2015 15:55

*second-rate! Second-date treatment is something else entirely Grin

Kampeki · 31/05/2015 15:55

I do understand where you're coming from, but I think yabu. You chose to marry this man, in the knowledge that he already had three kids, and then you chose to have three more children with him.

While I can live with the idea that step siblings might have access to different resources from their respective parents, I think your DH's children - including the three that he has with you - should all be provided for equally. As there is also an onus on you to provide equally for all of your five children, I think the only solution really is to treat all 8 of them in the same way.

AnImpalaCalledBABY · 31/05/2015 15:58

YANBU though I think that chat might be better coming from your DH

Your stepchildren have two parents to provide for them, your two older children only have one so things are already 'unfair' to start with. If you financially provide for your stepchildren they will have three adults doing so while your other children only have one/two so how will that make things any fairer?

Chillyegg · 31/05/2015 15:58

YABU to of had that conversation. It comes across rather badly actually, shes a child and you've basically said in so many shes not your problem. She wont know the ins and outs of your financial set up and think daddy loves/likes new family because her step and half siblings get more.

LazyLouLou · 31/05/2015 15:59

Seriously, leave it to your DH to deal with. There is no way you can 'win' in this situation.

Read back through the responses and you will plainly see those who think that you need to be responsibe for your DHs kids, but that their mum has no need to be responsible for yours, and other similar inequities. Why? Well, because you have something they don't, an inheritance. And that is none of their business.

I would imagine there would also be someone who would take you to task for spending your DCs inheritance on non related kids, if you chose to do so. You quite simply cannot be 'fair' to everyone.

As has been said your DH and his kids (and their mum) are benefitting from your housing situation, you do not need to feel mean, in any way at all.

Just keep up a dialogue with your DH and encourage him to resolve it with his kids and their mum.

Good luck.

PtolemysNeedle · 31/05/2015 15:59

Will your younger children go to private school? If they will, I think that is something that will be hard for your step children to deal with, because they share a parent.

ElkTheory · 31/05/2015 16:01

What exactly do you mean when you say that your children have a different "lifestyle" to your stepchildren?

And who pays for the three children you and your husband have together?

I know that a lot of families choose to go the separate finances route. It isn't something I would want to do, but if it works for you then I see nothing wrong with that. However, when children are involved in a large blended family, things become very complicated. I would do my utmost to treat all the children fairly and make them all feel like valued members of the family. That doesn't necessarily mean that each child would receive the same material possessions. But a huge disparity in "lifestyle" (whatever that means) sounds like an issue that needs to be addressed.

eyebags63 · 31/05/2015 16:01

Ugh, I think your whole set-up is so wrong. You have 8 kids between you and should be treating them all as equally as possible AT ALL TIMES.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 31/05/2015 16:01

I'm in agreement with you OP but this conversation should come from her Dad.

jusdepamplemousse · 31/05/2015 16:02

YWBU - sorry, but a ten year old shouldn't be expected to have the maturity to understand and accept that line of reasoning, whatever the rights or wrongs.

She feels a second class citizen in her own home. Don't know how you fix it but I think all the grown ups in the situation need to get together and figure it out if poss.

Surely the most important thing is that all of your kids are happy and get on as well as possible but this dynamic is bound to cause unhappiness and resentment.

MagratGarlik · 31/05/2015 16:02

Does your dh contribute towards things for your DC? If so, yabu. If not, and you provide everything for your DC from your own money and that left by your late husband, yanbu.

PurpleDaisies · 31/05/2015 16:03

WIBU to explain to her this weekend that we all have two parents in life that are responsible for providing for us, and just like how her dad, and to a much lesser expense, her mum (didn't say this) provide for her, I am responsible to provide for my children the best that I can? And to tell her that in the future she will need to bring it up with mum and dad if she wants something, not me, as, financially, she is not my responsibility?

Is this a conversation you have already had? I read it as would I be unreasonable rather than was I unreasonable. If you have told your step daughter that she is not your "financial responsibility" be prepared for her to have heard that as "I don't want you to be my responsibility in any way at all and I resent having you as my step daughter."

Thetruthshallmakeyefret · 31/05/2015 16:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littleshorty · 31/05/2015 16:04

It's a difficult one. I don't think you can ever have equality in blended families. We pay a proportion of earnings into a joint account then keep the rest to spend as we see fit so anything for my ds comes out of that. Including swimming lessons clothes trips and anything else he might need. I don't see it as my responsibility to make sure dss also gets swimming lessons or nice clothes, that's his parents job. But we don't have shared children, that complicates things.
I can see why your dsteps are feeling resentful but you need to decide with your dh if anything will change then let him speak to them

Original poster
tinyboxtim · 31/05/2015 16:04

Elk My husband and I both support our children together. I outlined how we make that work in my op.

Our children together will probably go to private school as well, with DH and I both paying half each. DH has offered to pay half of SC fees as well when BM made an issue out of it, but she wasn't able to pay her half, so that didn't work out.

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 31/05/2015 16:04

What sort of thing is your step daughter noticing that she thinks she's missing out on?

AuntyMag10 · 31/05/2015 16:05

Lazylou is spot on.
Yanbu, to not want to spend your children's inheritance left by their father to them on other children. Ridiculous that you're being 'unreasonable' to want to keep your kids lifestyle to what their father has provided for them. You do not have to be fair regarding this, the sc have their own parents who need to provide a lifestyle for them.
However this needs to be addressed by you dh to his children.