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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To only financially provide for my own children?

549 replies

tinyboxtim · 31/05/2015 15:37

DH and I have been married for three years. Together we have eight (yes, eight) children. I have two (Ds11 and Dd9), he has three (SD10, SS9, Sd6) and together we have three (DTS2 and DD4mnths).

Our all entire relationship we have kept our finances completely separate. We do have a joint account that we each put our proportion of household bills and money for our childrens together needs in to. Besides that, I have always provided for my own children, and he has provided for his children/payed their child support. We live in the house that was gifted to myself and my first late husband. It has always worked well for us.

Because of our respective careers, the money my late husband left behind, and the amount that DH pays in cs, I have a lot more disposable cash than my husband. Because of this, my children have different lifestyle than my stepchildren.

Over the last couple of months, my eldest SD has been very resentful about this, making passive aggressive comments about how DD1 has something she doesn't have, etcetera.

WIBU to explain to her this weekend that we all have two parents in life that are responsible for providing for us, and just like how her dad, and to a much lesser expense, her mum (didn't say this) provide for her, I am responsible to provide for my children the best that I can? And to tell her that in the future she will need to bring it up with mum and dad if she wants something, not me, as, financially, she is not my responsibility?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 01/06/2015 09:34

Oh how annoying! Thanks to whoever reported it.

MummaV · 01/06/2015 09:34

I can see this from both sides, being a step daughter myself. (Lived with DM who was financially screwed by DF. DF on the other hand was very flashy and lavished gifts and a very nice lifestyle on DSM and DSBs)

From DSDs point of view she is at a disadvantage through no fault of her own and is watching her step siblings enjoy a much better way of life.
However, it is up to her Dad to explain why this is. It's not her fault that her Mum can't afford to give her these things or both her parents jointly.

As long as you aren't flaunting the financial differences in her face when you are all together, ie going shopping and buying your daughter an expensive gift but not buying DSD anything, and are treating all children equally when they are in your care, I see no problem with this.

Blended families are difficult to begin with and they only get more complex as the children get older. Good luck.

fuzzywuzzy · 01/06/2015 09:38

I don't see anything wrong with the way OP is spending her own income.

The parents of the children bear financial responsibility for their children, not the step parent.

ex is re-married has his own child with new wife, I would not ever expect his new wife to suddenly also take financial responsibility for my children, that makes no sense. When I die I will not be bequeathing my estate to ex's DC with his new wife, I do not pay for anything for his child with his new wife, why should I? And I expect the same from the new wife, nothing financially.

In fairness parents pay for their own children, if a step parent wants to make a contribution towards step children that's really lovely but I would not expect ex's wife to contribute nor actually my new partner to say sending my children to private school or anything major in terms of lifestyle. Daily things the siblings should all be treated equitably, but the SM/SD is not financially responsible for their spouses children from a previous relationship.
Presumably if OP divorces her DC will continue to attend private school, is she meant to pay for the SDC of her ex husband then?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 01/06/2015 09:39

So she was horse riding lady then?

Bummer. But I still think even if the story is made up that if it wasn't she would be reasonable

Leeds2 · 01/06/2015 09:39

What is a PBP?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 01/06/2015 09:40

Previously banned poster

Aeroflotgirl · 01/06/2015 09:41

Oh god a troll Angry

Breadstixandhommus · 01/06/2015 09:43

superexcited seriously? So him paying half the bills doesn't constitute as him assisting with bringing up his dsc financially in any way, shape or form?

baby the dsc DO have blood siblings in the family, the 2 youngest offspring of OP and their father.

goodbye 'just another man who started another family without thinking of the old one'.....what an offensive comment. So are you saying that when a relationship fails, for whatever reason, the man isn't allowed to move on and have more children because he already has children from a previous relationship? But it's ok for the mother to churn out children with whoever she chooses without any thought to the children she already has?

And yes, I think it's perfectly reasonable for my ds to go without when his sister is with us if we don't have the finances for both of them to have something....I couldn't imagine buying him something then looking her in the eye and saying 'sorry love, I only have enough for your brother so you get nothing'. I buy for both or not at all. End of.

Triooooooooooo · 01/06/2015 09:44

Money on it being the boxroom troll.

Weebirdie · 01/06/2015 10:24

Oh dear

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 01/06/2015 10:25

Yabu. You both come as packages not individuals!
You knew he had children before you married him. If you didn't like the fact. You should have walked away. That's all it boils down to

prorsum · 01/06/2015 10:29

I hope the people who posted comments supporting this nutter take a good long look at themselves. This person knew what she/he posted was mean spirited, to put it mildly, and yet you all threw your backing behind this heinous crap.

Aermingers · 01/06/2015 10:30

I wonder why they constantly do this on the same theme. I do wonder if perhaps they used to be the 'd'sc and they want validation what happened to them was wrong. It's very sad, whatever it is. Sad

breadstixandhommus · 01/06/2015 10:47

FFS just read the update by MNHQ (after losing MN for a while, anyone else??) and I can't believe I've been sucked in AGAIN! How do you notice these things?

Aeroflotgirl · 01/06/2015 10:58

Scary thing is, op reminds me so much of my toxic sister, who woukd do the same thing to her step kids, I am NC with her.

PeruvianFoodLover · 01/06/2015 10:59

hommos Even MNHQ get sucked in sometimes - I think this poster was active on the step-board a few months ago with a variation on this theme, and when things got heated, HQ intervened on the OPs behalf saying there was no evidence that the poster wasn't genuine.

Its only after a subsequent ban that the thread got deleted, I think.

Sadly, I think there is an element of truth to the situation the posts are based on, rather than it being an entirely fictitious account.

breadstixandhommus · 01/06/2015 11:07

Thanks peruvian I didn't know any of that (you wouldn't believe I've been MNing on/off for 4 years would you!)

As a SM I feel that we sometimes get a tough ride of it, this thread just gave us all a worse bad name Sad

Oh well, I'm off to get sucked into another false thread Grin

MythicalKings · 01/06/2015 11:54

Well, Prorsum, I've taken a good hard look at myself and I'm still right.

Step mothers on MN are constantly told to keep their noses out and leave the parenting to the mother and father. Fair enough.

However, if they have money they should be prepared to flash the cash to DCs they are not related to and maybe make their own DCs go without so the SDCs get more.

Er. No. Not in the real world.

Rudawakening · 01/06/2015 11:58

prorsum I stand by everything I've said and would say the same to anyone else. The 'DH' in this situation got off lightly with 'SM' taking the blame.

prorsum · 01/06/2015 12:17

Mythcal I think I'm right too, so we'll have to agree to differ. In the real world the SD would not get off lightly, he would end up paying by losing his relationship with his child.

There is a lack of maturity from parents in many blended families; I don't think an SP should be told to butt out as they are now co-parenting the SC and co-operating and communicating are the best way.

This poster/troll was being purposely spiteful and you and others backed them. It doesn't give you pause for thought?

lunar1 · 01/06/2015 12:28

Thank got this it a troll post! Horrible to think that there could have been two adults (the op and her husband) who are that bigger assholes towards children. I'd just assumed it was the same person from the horse riding posts. Was that a troll too?

MythicalKings · 01/06/2015 13:30

Prorsum, I think the troll wanted to cause a ruck because that's what happens a lot on step parenting threads. So many seem the think the first family are entitled to more than any subsequent DCs and are somehow more important.

I don't get it. But then maybe there are a lot of bitter first wives on MN who can't wait to have a pop at second families. Sad.

ElkTheory · 01/06/2015 13:42

Oh, flipping heck. I should have known. Well, on the positive side at least these poor stepchildren don't actually exist. That's quite a relief. I was feeling very sorry for them.

ThisIsATrollThread · 01/06/2015 13:50

Meh, stupid trolls.

This is one of those trolls threads. That's just the right side of believable and is well pitched to cause a big debate. The fact that there was a bit of posting history adds to the pathetic'ness believability.

I thought I might recognise the posting style but it's hard to tell.

Powaqa · 01/06/2015 13:54

I poasted further up - this person has done it many times before - she has even posted it as if she was her SC mother

Usually the father is a fire fighter, there are twins (one usually has special needs) and there are ponies. One of the last ones was that the father made his children sit and watch activities that the OP pays for but wont pay for the DSC

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