To only financially provide for my own children?

[tinyboxtim]

DH and I have been married for three years. Together we have eight (yes, eight) children. I have two (Ds11 and Dd9), he has three (SD10, SS9, Sd6) and together we have three (DTS2 and DD4mnths).

Our all entire relationship we have kept our finances completely separate. We do have a joint account that we each put our proportion of household bills and money for our childrens together needs in to. Besides that, I have always provided for my own children, and he has provided for his children/payed their child support. We live in the house that was gifted to myself and my first late husband. It has always worked well for us.

Because of our respective careers, the money my late husband left behind, and the amount that DH pays in cs, I have a lot more disposable cash than my husband. Because of this, my children have different lifestyle than my stepchildren.

Over the last couple of months, my eldest SD has been very resentful about this, making passive aggressive comments about how DD1 has something she doesn't have, etcetera.

WIBU to explain to her this weekend that we all have two parents in life that are responsible for providing for us, and just like how her dad, and to a much lesser expense, her mum (didn't say this) provide for her, I am responsible to provide for my children the best that I can? And to tell her that in the future she will need to bring it up with mum and dad if she wants something, not me, as, financially, she is not my responsibility?

how do the kids get on when they are together?

Theoretician, I disagree with "He does intend to give less to his older children. He is currently not intending to fund private schools at all for them, while intending to pay half the cost for his younger children".

The OP has said that her husband has offered to pay half the school fees for the children of his first marriage just as he's paying half the school fees for the other children he's produced.

The OP pays the other half of the fees for her children. It's down to the mother of the elder children to pay the other half of their fees, not the OP. If she can't, she can't. She still wouldn't be able to even if the marriage with the OP's DH had survived. That's just the way things are sometimes.

We have a similar but less affluent situation with my DC. I'm not angry that the woman my ex has married has bought her son a car and not bought my DC one. It's not her job to provide for my offspring. It's mine and my ex's job.

I am freaking furious that my ex paid for one of his wife's kids to come over from Australia for a family party but refused to provide a penny when asked by one of his own children to help her out with part of the train fare to get to her very first job because she wouldn't be paid for a month.

You do realise as well OP that being married means your finances potentially are very much each other's business?

"OP, do you actually like his children? Your posting style is so cold, it is hard to tell where your emotions are."

indeed - it reads to me as if she views them as an obstacle to her and her children's happiness

Roar, I don't know what he does with his money, besides what he pays towards bills/our children/joint savings account. He could be building a time machine for all I know or care. It isn't really any of my business, just like my money is none of his.

Well, it is your business if you care about the happiness and well-being of all eight of the children living (full-time or part-time) under your roof. If you're not fussed about the resentment that is being caused, then it can continue to be not your business. But if you are concerned, then I suggest you sit your DH down, establish exactly what he is doing in relation to financial provision for his older three children, and try to reach some agreement about the way forward.

I would struggle to maintain respect for my partner if I even suspected that he might be allowing such inequality of treatment, particularly if I was aware that it had been noted by one of those children.

I don't know what he does with his money, besides what he pays towards bills/our children/joint savings account. He could be building a time machine for all I know or care. It isn't really any of my business, just like my money is none of his

really? not much of a marriage, a union, a blending of two families, is it?

And you don't care or know what he does with his money? So actually, you have no real clue what support he is or isn't providing for his children? No real idea how much he has coming in/going out? Or how he actually handles money? Just an expectation that he provides what you think he should and as long as he does that, everything's OK?

He's going along with this. Speaks volumes about you both.

Thanks for explaining the room situation. I don't understand why all three stepchildren have to share a room but I realise that isn't the main topic of the thread. However it does, unfortunately, seem another indication of the divisions and lack of unity in the family.

I think the whole thing is pretty unbelievable. If it's only half true then I feel very sorry for the children involved.

Does your SDD actually know that you and your DH keep your finances totally apart, as that might help a lot with understanding how it works - you haven't pooled your money and then prevented her father from spending "his" money equally on her.

Elk how would you share the rooms? Would you make the older DC who had their rooms from babies share with the SC? Or would you make the 3 boys who live there permanently share?

Just wondering as I can't see a better alternative.

However, due to complications with my multiple sclerosis, DD2 may need to move in to a separate bedroom sooner than expected, so were trying to sort out arrangements.

If your health hadnt necessitated this early move, what were the plans for bedroom allocation? Your DHs older DCs are many years away from moving out - what discussions had you had regarding accommodating your DCs needs while still ensuring your DHs DCs were accomodated as part of the family?

can he not contrubte less for joint saving to actully make a difference to them as in put it into a saving account for their university/ driving lessons etc?

And i am sorry about mistaking you for horse riding Step parent

MiniBMW - I was just thinking that.

So OP are you ring fencing the money your late husband left you solely for his children?

Or are you happy to spend his money on all of your children.

Why should your older children not have all of the inheritance from their father rather than sharing with half siblings who have no blood connection with your first husband.

...I don't know what he does with his money...It isn't really any of my business, just like my money is none of his.

Humm, in the event of a divorce your first husbands money/the house won't necessarily be ring fenced for you/your children (unless you have trusts drawn up). It will be pooled assets along with savings/investments/pensions etc... for the respective solicitors to fight about.

Fedup - my DH don't share finances, haven't since we met 12 years ago. Doesn't make us any less of a family, I think that's massively insulting to be honest and total bullshit. Money doesn't make you a family ffs.

Your dh offered to pay half school fees. Could he use this money so his children with ex can have some of the treats and things they are missing out on?

What specifically had sc commented on that they are upset about? Could u both talk with them and find a solution? Perhaps they are feeling sensitive with the arrival of another two siblings.

Is your dh in the financial position to provide uni money ect for his hilden with ex wife?

Are you providing for the future financially for your children with your now dh or are u doing this alone.

I think it's important that if you dh does stuff for his younger children - private school, uni money ect that he does this for his children with ex

what should ideally be happening is that SS9 is really excited about the times he gets to stay with his DS11 'big brother' and they play FIFA together on the Xbox. And all the girls should stay up later than they are supposed to because they are talking nonsense

and then everyone should be sat round on saturday night with pizza while watching Britain's Got Talent or playing board games together

but I suspect that none of that is happening - am happyto be corrected

Fedup, I don't know what you want me to say? I am not his mother. He doesn't have to answer to him, just as I don't have to answer to him if I come home with 20 pairs of Jimmy Choos. We are both financially secure, I have a generally gist of how much much money he has coming in and going out. I know his salary, how much he earns on overtime, how much the mortgage payments on his flat are, his car payments, his CS. But he doesn't have to submit a spreadsheet for me every month.

The DH only offered to pay half the school fees when his ex complained about those 3 children not going to private school. he will have known that his ex couldn't afford half the school fees, so probably not a serious offer. Especially as he doesn't see to have put that money aside for those children to be used in other ways.

These situations are always hugely complex, not least because everyone's idea of 'fair' differs so much. There's financially 'fair' - in terms of actual money - and a fairness from a numbers POV: six of these eight children have two parents, two have only one.

I don't think it's possible to do the 'fair' thing. If it was me, I would have to do the right thing, and for me, that would mean equality.

Equality, in a family, doesn't mean everyone is treated the same. It does mean people have an equal value, sense of worth. That's what is making people uncomfortable, here, I think.

Bedroom situation sounds tricky and I sympathise about the hand decorated bedrooms but I would do the following:

Most of the time everyone but the twins have their own room (are the twins the same gender? If so this continues indefinitely, if not then the girl eventually moves in with your youngest).

When your step children are here the older girl goes with your daughter, the boy with your son and the younger girl either with the older two girls or with the twins if they are girls.

With 8 children in the house they'll just all have to understand that they can't have privacy or their own space!

Rudeawakening, I would probably have the DH's son share with the OP's son, and the three girls share as well. They are all relatively close in age. If the latter bedroom isn't large enough for three beds, then I'd put the 6-year-old and the baby together in the room that the stepchildren share at the moment.

The OP has said that her husband has offered to pay half the school fees for the children of his first marriage just as he's paying half the school fees for the other children he's produced

in the absence of information about the ex's earnings (more/less/equal to the OP's dh?), her living arrangements (is she mortgage free like her ex?), spousal maintenance (if any), how much child maintenance is paid, any additional needs the children may have and who's footing teh bill, payments for activities etc. etc. etc having offered to pay half the school fees is entirely meaningless. Few marriages or live-in relationships work on a 50/50 basis - yet there is some bizarre insistence on it when relationships break down.

it would hardly be fair to expect an ex earning £20k a year full time and a modest mortgage to fork out an extra £5k (?) on school fees if her ex is earning £100k a year and is mortgage free, would it? Yet a joint income of £120k would more than likely have covered 2 children going to private school and assuming as a couple they considered school fees reasonable expenditure, I doubt very much the higher earner would have demanded 50% of the cost from the lower earner.

Equally, it may be unfair to expect the OP's DH to fork out for half the school fees if he is earning considerably less than his ex. 50/50 isn't, in my opinion, always the answer. Or even rarely the answer. It does allow, however, the OP to gloss over the issue and consider a 'fair' offer to the ex has been made.

Does your SDD actually know that you and your DH keep your finances totally apart, as that might help a lot with understanding how it works - you haven't pooled your money and then prevented her father from spending "his" money equally on her.

Do you think 10 year olds really need to know the details of their parents' financial situation?

Projecting massively from my own childhood I bet the complaining about material things her step siblings have that she hasn't got is a front for not feeling like a proper member of the family. If the op actually did tell her that she needed to look after her own children first and that the step daughter wasn't her financial responsibility then I can imagine that being incredibly hurtful.

elk can I ask why you would put the needs of the SC ahead of the BC of the op? They didn't ask their mum to marry someone with kids or for their Dad to die. Also it's their home full time, not just part time like the SC.

I'm genuinely curious about this, my parents built a loft extension so my sister and I didn't have to share when my half brother was born.

Op, how old were your kids when they lost their dad (sorry for your loss) and how old were DH's kids when his marriage split up?