To think there are a lot of misconceptions about terminating a pregnancy

[fiveacres]

Obviously, about abortion, which is a contentious issue for some.

I am approaching the third due date of the pregnancy I terminated in the autumn of 2011 at 9 weeks.

I was a very pious sort once, who believed that abortions were morally wrong. i admit that freely. I still do feel that the best option is not to be in that position in the first place.

However, although I do sometimes think about it, I don't regret it. I've been pregnant twice since so it hasn't affected my fertility.

I paid privately. I did not have any counselling - I was undecided when I went for the initial appointment but I have to say it was very much 'assumed' that I wanted to terminate. The record of the abortion is not in my medical file.

You don't have to give a reason, although they did press me to have the implant, which I refused. They did do a scan, which was a bit upsetting.

It did not hurt. I was warned I would bleed a lot but I didn't. My periods came back in 6 weeks.

You are in a room with a LOT of other women after the procedure, which is upsetting.

Other than that, I felt good after having it done, relieved, happy, mainly relieved.

I do have the odd flash of guilt. I wouldn't do it again.

But, I was reading another thread and it crossed my mind a lot of people do not really seem to know what having a termination is like. My experience may be typical or it may not be, I don't know, but it would be interesting to see what the experiences of others are to try to dispel or to address some of the myths that surround this difficult but sometimes necessary issue.

I had an abortion in the (Euro) summer of 99. I have no idea of the date, and no idea of my due date.

I felt nothing but immense relief afterwards. I went on to have 2 much wanted and loved DC.

I think of the baby that might have been from time to time, but still only in the sense of 'thank goodness it didn't happen'.

I would have an abortion again, if the situation wasn't right. Which it wouldn't be now that I am 41 and too old (for me/us) to have another child. DH is booked to have a vasectomy next month, and the chances of a pregnancy happening are slim, but obviously there.

Relief, relief, relief, and I will defend to the death any woman's right to choose to have autonomy over her own body. Until term, if needed. No crying over cornflakes, and wracked with guilt here.

An unwanted pregnancy is life-alteringly untenable for many people (hideous, even). If that offends, then this isn't the right thread for you.

It would be wonderful to live in a world where no woman ever needed to have an abortion.
But we don't.

Some women have abortions and feel nothing but huge relief, some feel a passing sadness over what might have been. And I am sure there are some who do feel crippling guilt and regret.

However, there are also women whose lives are destroyed by having a baby they did not want and whose family relationships are shattered forever by a pregnancy. And there are children who suffer lifelong from having parents who did not want them and who are unable to care for them properly.

It all comes down to this not being a choice we should make on behalf of other people. If you don't want to have an abortion, then don't have one. But don't try to stop another woman having one.

Glad this was posted here I would not have read about these experiences otherwise . Thank you

Interesting article in the Independent a few days ago 10 biggest myths about abortion

I feel for anyone who has to deal with the shock and emotion that comes with unwanted pregnancy, and hope that whatever they chose they are happy or solid even in them. Because the people I know to regret or feel terrible guilt after are those who felt they had no choice, one was bullied until she caved the other choose between giving her existing dc the most they needed and continuing.

I think everyone is different as are situations but quite often I wonder if the situation around the person, the support and whether there is judgement can affect the way you feel after. My bf never regretted, her parents and friends supported her and her dp and they stayed a team. She always says that if she'd have had no friends family or loving dp it would have been a very hard experience instead.

I think there is less reality surrounding abortion, miscarriage and pregnancy on tv and it's more sensationalised- the guilt with abortion, classic morning sickness the day after cliche with pregnancy, screaming and blood pouring with miscarriage. All of which can happen but 9/10 on tv they are the only things to happen.

But again, absolutely no one supported me through mine and I was fine, because I was confident it was the right thing to do.

I am not saying, therefore, that everyone who has been through it will feel as I did. I just feel - well, you feel what you feel, I suppose!

Interesting link winter thank you.

I have re-read this thread this morning and it's kind of made me feel bad about myself. With so many so care-free about it with no after effects and pooh-poohing the myth of it being some guilt, wracking, horrendous procedure kind of makes me feel that I'm a weak person because I don't have that attitude.

I've even read some comments that seemed to be aimed at me implying I'm ridiculous to have some of the feelings I do and I really don't think it's fair.

I'm glad that so many on here haven't been affected at all by their abortions but it's not that simple for others and we shouldn't be made to feel that we are in the wrong for having feelings of guilt, regrets and the fact it still dominates over us many, many years down the line and we will probably have those feelings for life.

In hindsight I think this thread belittles the feelings of women who didn't find it such a relieving experience.

We also "feel what we feel" and our feelings are no less worthy of respect than the feelings of those women who never look back.

Most women who have abortions are married/in relationships, mothers already and are adults. I think women individually can be trusted to decide whether or not to have a baby, and the alternative is pretty horrific. I don't really have any interest in why women choose to have an abortion (on a personal level) but believe abortions should be accessible as early as possible, as safely as possible and with as little trauma, guilt or shame as possible.

My point is that perhaps people find the situation and people around then can make it harder or easier. For you it was easier, maybe had people surrounded you it would have been different and stressed you out.

I guess to me hearing from my friend that had she had no support it would have been bad. I wonder how many women needed or wanted support or non judgement and got the opposite so a lot of bad feeling is tied up with that rather then the abortion itself or even adds to it.

Everyone is unique and in different situations, no emotion is wrong.

I agree with you writer.

Writer

Your situation is different to mine and to many of the women who have posted on this thread because the choice was made for you. You did not make it yourself.

You can see and understand the distinction between the cases, can't you ?

I don't think this thread belittles anything. If anything, it shows that the pro-life narrative of terminating a pregnancy being a soul-destroying, life-wrecking nightmare for the majority is untrue. Of course, there are some people who struggle with their feelings for the rest of their lives and those feelings are equally as valid as anyone else's but I don't think for a second this thread is aimed at making those people feel bad. I'm sorry you had such a bad experience

Also cleft lip and palate can be a symptom of an underlying condition or genetic disorder, many of which are severe enough to be deemed incompatible with life. Trisomy 13 and holoprosencephaly are but two. The whole termination for something as simple as cleft lip and palate is often brought up in threads like this but its not always as simple as just a cleft - a facial abnormality is an indication that the brain has not developed properly as in HPE. A cleft lip and palate is fixable - a missing forebrain is not.

Writer-I am sorry you feel that way.. But I think the crucial difference was that you were virtually a child and had no voice in the decision. Even if it was the right one for you, it is very difficult to be voiceless- and you must be carrying a lot of confused feelings about the abortion and all the people involved. Please think about counselling- it can help even 16 years on.

And remember, it is perfectly OK to feel what you feel. There isn't a right way to feel. Women who have abortions can do it without a backward glance, with a pang of regret or with huge sadness. The decision was equally right for all of them.

"Also cleft lip and palate can be a symptom of an underlying condition or genetic disorder, many of which are severe enough to be deemed incompatible with life"

Which I think was the case in the famous 2003 judicial review case brought by the Rev.Jepson.

haven't been affected at all by their abortions but it's not that simple for others and we shouldn't be made to feel that we are in the wrong for having feelings of guilt, regrets and the fact it still dominates over us many, many years down the line and we will probably have those feelings for life

Has anybody on this thread insulted you or actually belittled your feelings or have they just said that they felt ok about their experance.

I've only seen one poster insult another harshly on here and it was someone attempting to insult someone for not feeling sorrow

Except this thread seems to be saying there is a right way to feel and that it should be relief and no guilt.

I know my situation was awful but even women who choose to terminate for their own reasons can still feel impacted forever by their decision and always live with sorrow and guilt. The circumstances surrounding the abortion should not be what decides who should and shouldn't be allowed to feel such regret, pain and sadness.

There seems to an undertone of "I had my abortion, it was fine, I was so relieved and I feel no guilt so what's everyone's else's problem?"

It seems the few of us who really, really struggle to deal with our terminations are definitely in the minority and this thread seems very 'them and us' with us being the ones who should 'Get over it.'

I'm pretty sure none of the minority choose to have aspects of their life still dominated by their terminations decades down the line, and we don't choose to hate ourselves just a little bit for having done it and we don't exactly feel joy in the knowledge that these feelings of guilt and pain will be with us forever, but that's how it is for us.

It can be hard reading page after page after page of posts about other women being so relaxed about their terminations and how guilt is so pointless etc etc

I feel we are being judged as being over dramatic and that we should just get over it like everyone else has

There is not an undertone of that at all Writer, and if you have read that into the thread I regret that but feel (politely) that is a projection of your own issues.

The only posts on this thread that are unkind, unsupportive and judgemental have come from a small but vocal minority and we know who they are! However, you have not been the one berated for your choice that would be me!

Reading this thread, I can see numerous posts to you that are kind, that are friendly, that are wise, and I actually think your last paragraph is quite dismissive towards the women who have extended a non judgemental and friendly hand towards you in your distress, though I don't doubt this wasn't your intention.

Having an abortion because you don't like the gender of the baby is pretty sick. There's absolutely no justification for that.

No-one should tell any woman (a) how to feel about their abortions and (b) how they should express those feelings. This thread has been really interesting reading, not least that it disrupts the pro-life narrative of guilt, shame and regret. I think's it's a pity that this validation of women's choices is now being shamed in turn.

Hope I am ok to write this here or it's the wrong thread.

Dd was meant to be a twin, at the time I was devestated. However I am glad that I did miscarry her twin.

The last 5 years has been difficult for me and I'm glad that another child wasn't thrown into that mix.

Having an abortion because you don't like the gender is no different in practical terms to having an abortion because you don't like the father, or because you are 13, or because the foetus is disabled.

Writer - people are sharing their own experience, not judging anyone else.

Been reading this thread with interest and writer in the gentlest possible way I don't see any judgement either. I see that there is generally a great acceptance that there's a huge range of feelings around a termination.

I know people have been kind five and I appreciate that.

I think I will bow out for now though.

This thread is for women to talk about their non-regret abortions so it don't think it's the place for me or the other women who haven't come to terms with our terminations to linger and participate in.

My upset probably is my own projections and in hindsight I probably shouldn't have read/posted in a thread that I knew was probably going to upset me at some point anyway.

Thanks to everyone

The thing is Writer, I'm not surprised it upset you. You didn't really choose it, you were very, very young, other children were horrible to you - it would have affected anyone!

But there is a world of difference in a 16 year old being taken to a procedure she didn't fully understand and a 29 year old suddenly realising in the middle of the Co Op that she'd been a twat and didn't actually want to have another baby with an abusive bully.