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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think there are a lot of misconceptions about terminating a pregnancy

999 replies

fiveacres · 29/05/2015 18:17

Obviously, about abortion, which is a contentious issue for some.

I am approaching the third due date of the pregnancy I terminated in the autumn of 2011 at 9 weeks.

I was a very pious sort once, who believed that abortions were morally wrong. i admit that freely. I still do feel that the best option is not to be in that position in the first place.

However, although I do sometimes think about it, I don't regret it. I've been pregnant twice since so it hasn't affected my fertility.

I paid privately. I did not have any counselling - I was undecided when I went for the initial appointment but I have to say it was very much 'assumed' that I wanted to terminate. The record of the abortion is not in my medical file.

You don't have to give a reason, although they did press me to have the implant, which I refused. They did do a scan, which was a bit upsetting.

It did not hurt. I was warned I would bleed a lot but I didn't. My periods came back in 6 weeks.

You are in a room with a LOT of other women after the procedure, which is upsetting.

Other than that, I felt good after having it done, relieved, happy, mainly relieved.

I do have the odd flash of guilt. I wouldn't do it again.

But, I was reading another thread and it crossed my mind a lot of people do not really seem to know what having a termination is like. My experience may be typical or it may not be, I don't know, but it would be interesting to see what the experiences of others are to try to dispel or to address some of the myths that surround this difficult but sometimes necessary issue.

OP posts:
Original poster
fiveacres · 30/05/2015 21:36

Through - but that can't be a reason to have a family.

My parents tried for nine years to have a child, having many miscarriages along the way. In 1976 they had a girl, then in 1978 a boy. Family completed. Except their first daughter died in 1979 (SIDS). They then had me in 1981. I wouldn't have been born if she hadn't died, but you can't go down the road of 'what if she had lived, what if the miscarriages had gone to term, what if they hadn't met.'

We just are. We make decisions along the way - to have sex, to not have sex, to use contraception, to terminate in some cases.

It's not an easy thing to discuss. If you're not comfortable with it, well, the simple answer is not to do it. We all have personal 'lines in the sand' - I found out I was pregnant with DC3 past the 12 week mark and hence I felt I had to go ahead with the pregnancy. Why 12 weeks? Don't know Smile That was just right for me. Right for you sounds like 'not to terminate' which is also fine.

What we are saying is that your, or my 'abortion is wrong' can only be applied to the individual, not to another person.

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 30/05/2015 21:42

Oh I give up. It's not about having a family. It's about giving that innocent a chance. s/he doesn't have a choice in the matter. You choose that in one, painfree, swell swoop. Whoop-ee-doo. Don't promote it Confused. Why would you? I don't understand why you started this thread. Pat on the back, in it together, tally-ho. Great.

Oswin · 30/05/2015 21:47

So you think really she should be ashamed and not talk about it.
Thank fuck you have no say in what other people do with there bodies.

Original poster
fiveacres · 30/05/2015 21:47

I started the thread because I realised from posting elsewhere on the board that many people didn't know what an abortion entailed.

I don't think I am promoting it so much as talking about it. I am not saying 'you should terminate your pregnancies!' I am saying 'this is what having a termination was like for me.'

I still think best is when you don't have to make that decision. If I had my time again, I wouldn't have got pregnant. Smile But I did, and I realised it was the wrong thing for all sorts of reasons. Many of those reasons were selfish - if by 'selfish' we define them as 'wrong for me'.

It's interesting that word, 'innocent'. Innocent child opposed to guilty woman - guilty of what? Having sex? Making a mistake? Misjudging? Reacting badly to a difficult set of circumstances? Not sure.

But please let me reiterate that I am not posting to persuade YOU that abortion is right or wrong. You have the right to make that decision for yourself and I respect that. What I disagree with is that you gave the right to tell me I am wrong.

OP posts:
bumbleymummy · 30/05/2015 21:51

"Innocent child opposed to guilty woman"

That's a bit of a jump. Saying someone/something is innocent doesn't mean you're comparing or suggesting guilt elsewhere.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 30/05/2015 21:53

Whether you were right or wrong is neither here nor there now. It's a fait accommpli, and for your conscience.

Original poster
fiveacres · 30/05/2015 21:55

Well yes, it is done now, isn't it - which makes the posts that seem to suggest you are angry I wasn't writhing around in agony rather nonsensical!

OP posts:
NinkyNonkers · 30/05/2015 22:02

The assumption is that an abortion is a horrible,guilt ridden,painful experience. Enforced because deep down people think that that should be the case,to punish the woman. All this thread does is say that it is ok not to feel that. I didn't. I knew the moment I found out that I would be having a termination. It was arranged within days, and done within two weeks, so before 8wks. The hospital was brusque, but caring and respectful. I felt no pain or unrest after. I have not for a moment regretted it. It is a sad situation in many cases, but I feel no guilt or regret. That is just my experience but it is as valid as the opposite. I feel deeply for those hugely affected by theirs, and I wish them peace.

bumbleymummy · 30/05/2015 22:09

"The assumption is that an abortion is a horrible,guilt ridden,painful experience."

Is it?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 30/05/2015 22:10

No, it seems like a convenient contraception to me.

Original poster
fiveacres · 30/05/2015 22:12

In the sense that both prevent a pregnancy from happening in the first instance and continuing in the second, yes, perhaps.

At £700, mine was a somewhat expensive form of contraception.

Originally, I had planned my pregnancy. I changed my mind.

OP posts:
bumbleymummy · 30/05/2015 22:12

Not the same as contraception at all! (and I don't think it's that convenient either. Sorry, through, I understand your opinions and I am against abortion myself but that just isn't true.

NinkyNonkers · 30/05/2015 22:14

In my experience, and that of many here it seems, yes...there is that assumption.

Sadly it wasn't a convenient contraception for me. The condom that split was meant to be. As was the morning after pill I so conscientiously took.

Writerwannabe83 · 30/05/2015 22:14

five - can I ask what made you change your mind?

bumbleymummy · 30/05/2015 22:14

Oh Geez, please can we stop. Abortion is not contraception.

Writerwannabe83 · 30/05/2015 22:15

ninny - my pregnancy was a result of the MAP not working too Sad

bumbleymummy · 30/05/2015 22:17

Ninky, perhaps you just think that's the assumption? Some people do feel horrible/guilt ridden and find it painful but I think there are very few people that think that everyone feels that way.

Oswin · 30/05/2015 22:18

Convenient? Alrighty then.
Btw I also feel no guilt about my termination. I won't be made to feel guilty about feeling no guilt either. I'm just very happy I live in a country that allows me a choice.

Original poster
fiveacres · 30/05/2015 22:20

I agree it is not contraception. Contraception prevents a pregnancy happening and abortion prevents a pregnancy continuing. They are two different things. It was a 'pro lifer' like yourself who stated that 'abortion seemed a convenient contraception.'

Writer, I realised that I had focused on getting pregnant as a solution to grief and to give me a purpose in life. I realised within weeks of my pregnancy I had made a terrible mistake. It was a very frightening and lonely time.

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 30/05/2015 22:21

Obviously Oswin, from your posts.

bumbleymummy · 30/05/2015 22:24

five, see my post at 22:12.

lastuseraccount123 · 30/05/2015 22:54

ThroughThick's posts are proof that there is a section of the population that really believes women should feel terrible about abortion, that if they're not crying into their cornflakes for 20 years afterwards they're not taking it seriously enough, IT'S A LIFE etc. And now we're getting into judgey-pants land about why women have abortions - some reaons being more acceptable than others, etc. etc.

This is why it not being a big deal for some of us to abort is so controversial. Because somehow, we're not getting payback from our sinful choice. And this is also why, imo, it's so great we're talking about this other side. And no disrespect to any woman here who struggled with it; there's no rule about how you shoudl feel about your abortion, regardless of what others may demand due to their politics.

On a different note,
For me as a parent it's always been about the quality of life i could give a child. I was brought up by pro-life parents who were proud of how many kids they'd had and were uber judgey of people who did not make the same choices as they did but they had far too many kids and couldn't cope, and our childhoods were awful and shit as a result. being a damaged adult is not something i would want for any child of mine.

shaska · 30/05/2015 22:56

Ok I've had a drink so I'm going to say another that people say a lot that wasn't personally true for me- my abortion was nothing to do with a contraception failure.

I had unprotected sex and that's how I got pregnant. I knew I hadn't been taking the pill long enough. I knew fertility runs in my family. I knew there was a good chance, cycle wise, that Id get pregnant, and I did.

No condom broke, nothing failed. It was entirely my own fault and I was old enough to know what could happen, and I did it anyway, and then I had an abortion, which I feel fine about.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 30/05/2015 23:31

shaska

Did you have sex all by yourself?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 30/05/2015 23:34

Oh and I was glad as well when I had mine. Really incredibly glad.

It took about a week for the symptoms of my illness to fade but after that I was really pleased. But throwing up so much your petrified your going to end up on a coma then it stopping will do that to a person.