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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if all brothers (? Sisters too?) are this aggressive with eachother

67 replies

Jollyphonics · 28/05/2015 09:10

My DSs are 6 and 9. They're great mates, share interests, play well together, clearly really love each other.

But there are inevitable disagreements, arguments over whose turn it is on something, whether it was a goal or not, who should choose the TV channel and so on. More often than not, when they are disagreeing about something, they will hit or kick eachother. It's usually just a couple of hits, then they stop, often when I walk in and catch them.

I had a brother (he died age 20) and we never ever argued, we really didn't. Obviously I know that was unusual, but it means I'm not sure what the "norm" is.

Are my two just normal siblings, or should I worry about the level of violence in their little spats? I this a boy thing, or are girls this aggressive?

OP posts:
Gottagetmoving · 28/05/2015 09:13

I think most siblings behave like this unless/until they are taught not to deal with conflicts by being violent. That's where you come in Grin

AGirlCalledBoB · 28/05/2015 09:15

Oh god yes me and my sister were awful. We used to fight like men, must have driven my mum mad. We were two years apart, chalk and cheese and always together, so fights would always happen.

Original poster
Jollyphonics · 28/05/2015 09:16

I've tried, I really have, and they're basically good kids, but in the heat of the moment they forget how to behave nicely! DS1 in particular is an angel elsewhere, he would never dream of hitting a friend, but he loses his rag with his little brother.

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 28/05/2015 09:18

Two DS 7 and 11
I've had to physically separate my two before now. With mine, its usually a sign of tiredness or a lack of exercise / more energy than they know what to do with. They don't tend to fight after a couple of hours doing sport or running around in the park.

Songlark · 28/05/2015 09:19

I think it's normal for siblings to fight but also its normal for some not to fight iyswim. Sorry about your brother, like you my brother and I never fought, but I did with my sister. I think its all about personality clashes.

Pagwatch · 28/05/2015 09:21

No, my children were never allowed to fight. We were never allowed to fight.
I remember pinching my brother and my dad was furious with me.

I think young children can lash out out of frustration but I personally don't think it should extend beyond that.

tinyboxtim · 28/05/2015 09:21

My boys are not even boyish boys, and they can be aggressive with each other at times. Hell, last year DTS1 accidentally pushed DTS2 out of the hayloft over a petty disagreement. I think it's just a sibling thing.

LynetteScavo · 28/05/2015 09:23

My children are perfectly nice alone or with friends, but put them in a room/car together and all hell breaks loose.

My eldest son has grown out if it though so now it's just the younger two and it's very, very rare that they actually hurt each other.

But they are very good actors and will pretend they are dying to get the other in to trouble.

ArgyMargy · 28/05/2015 09:24

My DSs were constantly at each other but they were not allowed to physically fight. I think it's normal for siblings to drive each other mad but as PP said, it's up to parents to set boundaries. Violence is not acceptable in my house.

ArgyMargy · 28/05/2015 09:25

And "play fighting" was never a thing for us, so there was no confusion.

flimflamflarnfilth · 28/05/2015 09:25

Me & my 3 brothers were like this. As we grew up the fights lessened. Now, we are all quite close and are always there for each other. However, I can't speak for other families who behaved differently but we're all very independent and quite tough? (for want of a better word)

MagentaVitus · 28/05/2015 09:27

It can just be right good fun smacking your brother in the face though! It certainly was when I was 10!

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 28/05/2015 09:27

I have 3 ds's , all grown up now, ds3 is the youngest at 15.

As children , they were very placid and kind by nature, not rough with each other at all. There were the odd blips occasionally when ds3 wound up ds2, aged about 5 and 7 but I nipped them in the bud.

Moreisnnogedag · 28/05/2015 09:28

Me and my dsis were thick as thieves but would on occasion fight physically beat each other up. My dsis once accidentally punched me in the eye, all was forgiven whilst we hurriedly put ice packs on it so my dad wouldn't know! I once burst her eardrum.

For us, we'd both get so wound up by, would release energy by fighting and then be back to best of friends.

Wiifitmama · 28/05/2015 09:30

I have three boys and they never ever get physical with each other. We just haven't allowed it right from the beginning. We have friends whose kids do and my boys are always quite shocked. Mine are now 7, 11 and 14

Tommy · 28/05/2015 09:30

I think it's a boy thing....
I have 3 DSs and work in a boys' school Confused and when I started there i was bizarrely reassured that it wasn't just my boys that are so physical with each other. It all seems to be quite light-hearted, like puppies, but it can get out of hand of course...
I often find myself saying: "keep your hands and feet to yourself" and "He may well have been annoying you but do I hit hit you every time you annoy me? No - so don't do it to him...."

meglet · 28/05/2015 09:32

me and my sister were constantly fighting.

ds and dd this that the best way to solve an argument is to wallop the other sibling Hmm . I'm basically here to referee.

Oliversmumsarmy · 28/05/2015 09:37

Mine get a long like a house on fire. although I do know a couple of other families who have children who really don't get on. One sister aged 12 told her mum on the way back from dropping her elder brother off at university for the first time that when they got home they could now just move and not tell him where they were moving to. Another wondered when her parents were going to take her brother back to the hospital, she was totally distraught when she realised he was not leaving. 10 years on she still hates him and he has learnt how to push her buttons.

OrionsAccessory · 28/05/2015 09:43

I used to have very violent fights with my brother(who is 3 years younger than me), we would do our best to kick the shit out of each other. It stopped when he got bigger than me and it wasn't a fair fight anymore! We get on brilliantly now!

My dds will give each other the odd wallop when they get really annoyed with each other but eldest is a lot bigger than youngest (although they're pretty close in age) so she does restrain herself as no one ever really gets hurt.

mummytime · 28/05/2015 09:46

Mine get on pretty well, and will probably always be there for each other in a crisis, and will tell me off if they think I am being too harsh on a sibling. But yes they fight, always have. And I break it up, always have, if anyone is getting hurt.
The oldest two also used to play fight, and will still wind each other up - resulting in someone chasing someone. (If you see two teens, boy and girl, chasing each other and threatening to murder each other, and an older woman standing calmly by, that's probably us.)

Moreisnnogedag · 28/05/2015 09:47

I don't think it necessarily means your dc don't get on. Me and my sis get on really well and did as children too.

MrsNextDoor · 28/05/2015 09:47

My DDs are 10 and 7 and when they fight it's medieval. I hate it so much and have tried everything. But my siblings and I fought all the time too...DH and his sister NEVER fought....it's weird the way some do and some don't.

Kiwiinkits · 28/05/2015 09:49

Good advice on this topic in Siblings Without Rivalry, a book by the authors of How To Talk So Kids Will Listen..(etc.)
Advice is to not interfere unless and until it is looking way too physical (ie almost tears) and then only to say "is this a real fight or a play fight?"
Physical play is very important for children. That includes play fighting. Helps them learn physical boundaries.

BabyGanoush · 28/05/2015 09:51

My 2 are/were never physical like that.

They argue/bicker but don't hit each other.

I think it is as my oldest is very (too?) sensitive and more the type to walk away from conflict. So the younger one followed suit. They argue about something, and then one if them will walk off

I think it is more normal if siblings do fight though.

ChilliMum · 28/05/2015 09:51

My brother and I used to beat each other back and blue, destroy each others property and deserve Oscars for our performances to get the other in trouble. We have both grown up to be normal well adjusted non violent adults. I love him to bits and we are always there for each other . Oh and my 2 fight like cat and dog. Totally normal I think for some personalities interestingly my db dc and I all have a strong sense of justice and are naturally very passionate. I can articulate very well as an adult and can empathise but I guess as a child frustration and probably selfishness was often the route cause. I am not happy that my children fight and it is a punishable offence in my house but i am not too worried about the long term implications. Hope that is helpful.

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