about PIL coming to house when no one is here

[Anydrinkwilldo]

Can't figure out if I am BU, if it's pregnancy hormones or what. I have been signed off work for 2 weeks so been home FT but this morning I had hospital appointment. Got message from MIL (as I do every morning) to ask if I needed anything today from shop etc. I replied no thanks have hospital this morning so not home. When I did get home I saw that 'someone' has been at front rockery and put pots of plants around front of house. I'm fuming that they have come down to our house without either my permission or dh permission and done whatever they wanted to our property. I don't go to their house and start doing what I want to their garden etc. But I'm not sure if I'm over thinking it and should I just let it go.

Not wanting to drip feed they have form for doing this, waiting until there is no one here to come down and clean our windows/paint windowsills and doors etc. I know I sound so ungrateful if they had just text to say they were here I would be fine but I find it so rude to just go to someone else's house and do things. AIBU?

For this reason pil no longer have a key to our house.
I think I've said before but mil used to do all sorts of irritating things like open & arrange a bunch of flowers that I'd bought to give a friend that evening

firesidechat I think you are spot on and sound like a lovely MIL! My mother takes a similar view, she offers to help but would always ask first.

The problem with SOME mils (mine) is that they just want to control DH still and they use the guise of 'helping' when they are called out on it.

"Give the pot plants back for a start & say that it isn't what you want on your garden."

What, even if the dh concerned likes them?

I think the OP is only unreasonable if she hates this behaviour and does nothing about it.
There is no need to be nasty and take pot plants back or shout. When she next phones in the morning you could just tell her you appreciate the thought but feel her doing stuff in your garden is overstepping boundaries and intrusive and could she please not do anything to your house and garden without asking first as you don't like it.
She will probably get a bit upset but at least that makes things clear and in the longer term should improve things.
It doesn't matter if other posters love people coming in and doing stuff in their houses and gardens, you don't so it doesn't happen.
If your husband feels differently you have to jointly agree on this first before talking to her.
I can imagine my dad doing this sort of thing if I lived nearer him but if he did I would just say "please dad don't do stuff without asking it makes me feel my home's not my own".

No, if OP & or her husband want the plants then they should keep them.

Still best to say that they'd rather be asked in future though.

Keep accepting stuff, even if you do want it means that things won't change.

Also, what's the point in saying "appreciate the thought but..."

Won't MIL just keep on doing it?

Surely what you put last is the best thing "please don't do stuff without asking"

Noooo this would annoy me too.

The issue isn't that they did a nice thing and brought pots/cleaned windows/painted sills. You simply don't take ownership of somebody else's house in this way (unless there is clear consent that dropping in and doing your own thing unannounced is acceptable) if you have a healthy understanding of boundaries.

nana did this thread touch a nerve?!

I know that my boundaries (I am private and independent and from a family who do their own thing) are very different to my PILs (close local family, were used to DH being mostly single and very much 'in the fold', share personal info around as if it is necessary info to be passed on). We have all had to wriggle and compromise to fit ourselves comfortably into our conflicting boundaries. It's not perfect but the point is that we all understand this subtext and we do try.

They used to come and let themselves in, for example. I knew that it wasn't unreasonable in itself, but I didn't like it and when I was struggling to breastfeed and very uncomfortable, this became a real problem for me. I didn't have to say anything but I was clearly and grumpy about being walked in on. So they stopped. I don't think they liked it; for them, I think that knocking and waiting to be let in is much too formal a concept when visiting their son's house. But they understood a boundary had been overstepped for the other occupant of the house and I respect them for that. I've made my own compromises too.

I just think it's a bit odd that it's always everyone else (including) the husband/partner concerned who has to change their ways to fit in with the wife/dil. There doesn't ever seem to be any hint of compromise. DILs rule!

This thread has reminded me of my exMIL. She had no boundaries. ExH and I did not want nets up at the windows of our new house. I came home from work one day and she had been in and put nets up at all the windows! She had also put a mat at the bottom of the stairs in the front room because "You must have a mat there". She took exH's shirts off to iron (never my stuff!) and treated him like a child. The fact that he didn't stand up to her was on reason why he is an exH.

Asking whether we would have liked nets and then respecting our wishes is a completely different thing.

We don't know if there's been compromise or not.

The OP said that there were some "deep controlling issues" going on and that MIL's adult offspring were treated like they were still very much children.

This sounds like one aspect of an ongoing difficult relationship where the OP is trying to draw boundaries and has asked advice on one particular issue, but there's an entire bigger picture. We don't know how she's handled the deeper control conflicts.

Thanks Shodan!

I just don't understand why all these "lovely gesture" have to be done without asking/talking/getting permission first.

Unless that's the point of them (to be done without agreement) in which case I think that answers the question of why people don't like to have it done to them.

Just ask first!

I don't think there's any suggestion at all bertrand that the PILs have to make all the compromises.

The thread is more about either not picking up on, or not caring about, other people's discomfort about a situation taking place in their own home.

If the OP was making unwanted 'improvements' to her ILs house, and then complained here about their ungrateful response, I don't think the DILs rule thing would apply

How is allowing someone into her house to do as they wish when she's not there a compromise on the DIL's part.

She doesn't want people coming into her home and fiddling around.

Cannot understand how some posters see that as unreasonable.

I have a very close relationship with my daughter and I have a key to her house but I never go there when she's out, except to feed the cat if she's away, and when I call on her when she's at home I ring the bell.

Either way, I wouldn't dream of interfering with her things; she's an adult, I respect her, and how she runs and organises her home is her business.

My fil was 'just passing' - he lives five hours away - and popped through our side gate when we were out to show his mate our garden. There have also been plenty of instances when he's left things in our back garden which he has decided that we need. Most of what he leaves gets dumped...

My DF used to do this. He once planted an entire bed of seeds and seedlings for me - must have taken him hours.

Unfortunately, because he didn't tell me, I assumed they were all weeds and got rid of the lot

I just think it's a bit odd that it's always everyone else (including) the husband/partner concerned who has to change their ways to fit in with the wife/dil. There doesn't ever seem to be any hint of compromise. DILs rule!

As this issue has gone on for years already, and is also done to the brother-in-law and his eife, the DIL is definitely not 'ruling'.

Overall though, the only people that ever seem think it is normal for parents to enter their childrens homes and property unannounced & go mucking about doing chores and other unlooked for 'favors' are the parents who do so. Yes, their adult children might see it as normal, especially if they have lived alone and enjoyed discovering their laundry magically washed itself. Others just dont want to argue, not wanting to face whatever response they were trained to avoid, whether it is the silent treatment to something more aggressive. The adult children who arent bothered by their parents behaving this way would likely feel very different if it were their inlaws instead of their own parents!

OP, maybe you should rope your parents in. Give them a key and encourage them to come round, I am sure he wont mind Realizing your dad has been rummaging round what he considers private space and mucking around with what he considers his property. Perhaps they can repaint those windowsills in a better color. Perhaps his parents will come change it back! Windowsill wars!

at windowsill wars. Oh there has been plenty of compromise on my behalf if I do say so myself and huge amounts of tongue biting. They are hugely controlling and a lot of things I let go. We didn't see eye to eye over the wedding reception venue, she didn't want us to go where we did (even though we asked them to come check it out when we were looking at it). So she went off by herself and got us brochures for where she thought would be more suitable. She also done the same to her DD who got married recently. Just one example of her behaviour.

Just wondering if I had come on here to say it was a friend/neighbour/sibling or one of my parents would the people who think I should be grateful still think I should be grateful, and is it just because I said it was my ILs? I know there is a huge amount of IL bashing on here and that wasn't what I was intending but the fact is it was them!

Always going to be a tricky relationship, MiL and DiL. Two women with nothing in common except one thing that's desperately important to them both. Plus the taking over by the DiL of the role of Primary Woman in the man's life. Plus very different ways of doing things on top of that, maybe.

You're lucky if it clicks really.

get a crocodile and allow it roam free

I'd be grateful but still annoyed. I'd be more annoyed if it was a neighbour!

I just think it's a bit odd that it's always everyone else (including) the husband/partner concerned who has to change their ways to fit in with the wife/dil. There doesn't ever seem to be any hint of compromise. DILs rule!

Not always- My DH warned me that his mother can be very overbearing when we first got together, himself and his brother hate being treated like children by her. I felt a little sorry for her and was eager to get on with her as I do not like confrontation. Over the years she has gone out of her way to 'get her son back' from me and blame me for arguments she has with DH- but he is the one who calls her out on things. I never get involved with their arguments caused by her nature, its his family and I just let them get on with it.

How much would a Croc cost to keep? Would he bully my DDog I wonder.......

How interesting that some of you have decided that I am a MIL who has been interfering in her DIL's life and that the post touched a nerve- nah, sorry to disappoint on the "touching of the nerve" but as someone astutely observed "your name rather gives you away" - YES I bare my soul to you DILs - I am a MIL - but I am also a mother (obviously) grandmother, wife, sister, aunt, cousin, friend.

AND I have an excellent relationship with my 2 dils - but then I'm a wonderful MIL I don't transgress in the way the OP's MIL does, I never take pots of flowers, mess with the rockery, (still wonder what they did at the rockery!) clean windows, mow the lawn, paint sills etc etc. BUT I do help out, less so now all the grandchildren are older, but I used to meet them from school as parents working full time, and I was allowed to get their tea, empty the dishwasher, do shopping, get a meal for the parents, and even venture into the garden to get in washing!! BUT here's the BIG one - I often used to pick up nice M&S food for them (making sure of course that I bought veggie stuff for my DIL ) and stuff for the others AND I used to put it in the fridge!!! AND guess what - my son and DIL were pleased - "Ooh lovely" says my DIL "thankyou Nina" (and sometimes a quick hug) - imagine that a DIL who wants to hug her MIL.............

With my other son and DIL they live much further away from me so it's a bit different, (we look after the kids in the holidays) as both parents work full time and this works well for all of us. It means when we visit we stay over for a week. I always do the ironing when we visit (but only my son's shirts of course and that's appreciated. I'm allowed in the garden too, and I put washing out to dry if it's in the washer!! That's about it........had to smile at the MIL who altered the blinds. My DIL has the blinds sort of half closed and I love daylight but I'd never dream of altering them, but confession time, once we had the kids while son and DIL went away for a few days and I did pull up the blinds. So YES I deserve to be lambasted for that - not respecting my DIL's wishes, but they were back in the usual place before they returned!!

OH and I notice now the OP's MIL is offering to look after the children (but only because they're bored of course) not because they love their grandchildren or want to help out and know the high cost of child care.

OK confession time.........I come on these MIL threads to show a different perspective, because I notice that almost always on the AIBU MIL threads, so many DILs pile in to assure the OP she is NBU and go on to tell her what to say to the MIL in question, often very rude and inflammatory comments and treating this woman like she's a child, which I find particularly unpleasant. I do wonder if these DILs are ones having problems with their own MILs - but who knows. We are but anonymous people tapping away on a laptop (in my case, cus I'm too old for a smart phone or tablet)

Anyway must go now - want to pop over to son and DILs and check their rockery

www.telegraph.co.uk/news/newstopics/howaboutthat/7005564/Crocodile-is-living-in-a-bungalow-in-Kent.html

might be a but pricey actually!

imagine that a DIL who wants to hug her MIL.............

Oh get over yourself, I hug my MIL all the time, despite the way she treats me and DH.

My in laws used to come to ours when we first moved in together but continually denied it. DH and I would argue and he would say I had it in for them.

So I changed the code on the alarm. Cue one flustered call to DH from them with the house alarm wailing in the background

But Nina that's by arrangement, which is completely different from the OP.

You could be putting £50,000 a month into their current account, but if they asked you not to then that would be unreasonable and overstepping and possibly controlling.

FIL has these tendencies, and fundamentally it's because he forgets that DH is an adult. Our house is not part of his empire and he doesn't have a say.

I also think the SPD thing is very significant - at about 38/39w FIL came round and rather sniffily said he'd get MIL to clean the windows for me. I was already sensitive about my limited capacity and that really tripped my FTFO sensors. I mean, so many layers of wrong!

OP I think you have to be explicit with your PIL, giving them the benefit of the doubt. You say you're grateful that they want to help but they're actually creating work for you by doing so at the moment so you'd really appreciate it if they'd check first / wait to be asked, and respect your decision because it feels like you don't matter in your own home.