about PIL coming to house when no one is here

[Anydrinkwilldo]

Can't figure out if I am BU, if it's pregnancy hormones or what. I have been signed off work for 2 weeks so been home FT but this morning I had hospital appointment. Got message from MIL (as I do every morning) to ask if I needed anything today from shop etc. I replied no thanks have hospital this morning so not home. When I did get home I saw that 'someone' has been at front rockery and put pots of plants around front of house. I'm fuming that they have come down to our house without either my permission or dh permission and done whatever they wanted to our property. I don't go to their house and start doing what I want to their garden etc. But I'm not sure if I'm over thinking it and should I just let it go.

Not wanting to drip feed they have form for doing this, waiting until there is no one here to come down and clean our windows/paint windowsills and doors etc. I know I sound so ungrateful if they had just text to say they were here I would be fine but I find it so rude to just go to someone else's house and do things. AIBU?

but I just get so tired of all you DILs who sound so spiteful to be honest, you really do. When you are MILs and if you have sons, I hope what goes around comes around.

goodness me, what a vindictive post.

I hope you enjoyed your little rant there Nana

Oooooo, passive aggressive or what.

I can see what they did would be annoying but you do sound like a gang of whingeing teenagers. Ask them to check with you in future.

And if there is a huge back story then tell it at the same time if you want useful responses.

goodness me, what a vindictive post

Only if you are being unpleasant to your ILs. If you are being nice then what goes around comes around will be nice!!

I do find all this "my house my garden" stuff interesting. What if a DH actually quite likes his parents coming round and painting the windowsills?

I am also amused at the "I am furious,my mil came round and tidied up my garden" "that's absolutely outrageous, mine is exactly the same- she came round, broke the lock put on my bedroom door and put my Rabbit to soak in Milton" conversations!

When we come home from holiday the first thing we do is try to spot what the in laws have mended, cleaned and done for us. The house is sparkling and there's always bread milk and sometimes a bunch of flowers waiting. One year they reprinted the chimney! They are trying to help you. In their eyes They wait till you're out so you have a nice surprise to come home to. There is probably no bad intentions in their actions. They do things they think would help or make you pleased. Unfortunately they see it through their eyes and not yours so choose the wrong things.
I used to get annoyed about them doing stuff without asking then I saw it for the kindness and the love they feel. I now don't mind. I'm just glad they care and want to help us.

Maybe it's the inner conflict of wanting doting GPs for their DCs but not wanting the ILs in their lives. Leads to suppressed anger outing itself every so often

you DILs who sound so spiteful to be honest, you really do. When you are MILs and if you have sons, I hope what goes around comes around.

Its not all an IL- hating blanket that covers us all y'know. You have no idea what I've been through with my MIL. We have a very complex relationship, she is extremely passive aggressive and has intentionally hurt me in the past.

She has done me a favour in teaching me how NOT to behave as a MIL, thats for damn sure.

I'm sure there was a similar thread to this a while back - someone else also had a problem with PILs tampering with their garden under the 'we're helping' guise... I'd be tempted to get rid of the pots etc and then next time you speak to them, tell them about the mystery gardener who delivered to the wrong house...

nananina is spot on and some of you clearly dont like to be called on it..

so the inlaws try to help out, a bit cackhandedly and without written permission and it drives you mad, so they take a massive step back......then a few months later you are back on MN complaining that the inlaws dont help with your newborn or call round anymore and whats going on with them

one thing for sure, you dont want to be a MIL on mn, you'll get your arse kicked whatever you do.

OP has not been NOT nice to them. She's asked advice about if she's being unreasonable - ie, she doesn't know if she is or not and she's asking feedback.

Some of the replies have been OTT but the general consensus is that she isn't being unreasonable and she sounds pretty sensible, I'm sure she's not going to go in all guns blazing.

Fwiw those sorts of "I hope you get horrible DILs' posts make me more glad I've got my lovely MIL, who would never speak vindictively and nastily about anyone, rather than someone who who wishes unhappiness on someone else like that. Boy

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There is much more deeper controlling behaviour going on with her, I could write several PAGES of an AIBU on her and her treatment of her dc's

BIL is 37 and they still treat him like a child. His wife is not impressed at all

OP it sounds like you are fighting a battle to draw lines here between reasonable and unreasonable behaviour.

If your PILs did not have a pattern of controlling behaviour, you would still be reasonable in getting a bit narked over this, though a tactful word would probably have been enough.

Since they do have a pattern of controlling behaviour, YADNBU. Clearly speaking to them won't be enough so honestly I think all you can do is put much higher fences up or tell them in no uncertain terms and then distance yourselves from them. Is this your first child btw? Your MIL could get quite a lot worse when her grandchild comes along.

yes, this is called intruding. I've been through this with my own PIL. They should have at least texted you. I would tell them to get a life and not mind yours!

I think the posters suggesting that OP is being an ungrateful are ridiculous. If OP posted that her friend kept waiting 'til she was out to come and repaint her windows/re plant her garden etc surely that would be weird so why the outrage from some that it's ILs so she should therefore not only tolerate but be grateful? Yes on the surface it appears nice but it's got controlling undertones and its a massive invasion of privacy, of course some ILs/friends/relatives can do these things and the relationship remain intact but its really dependant on the relationship in the first place and whether you feel happy with it. If you are uncomfortable with it, it's not on.

Its a fine line between helping and interfering... I think you should maybe tell them how you feel or failing that just return the favour .. As in every time they do this sort of thing go round and do it to them same to them x

Nananina, do you pop round & treat your DILs garden/house as your own?

OP, maybe preempt MIL with a morning call/message to say all OK thanks?

Or when she phones, if you need shopping let her know & if you don't , don't give her any more info?

It's lovely that she is helping by shopping for you, but that doesn't mean she can just crack on & do whatever else she wants imo.

I mean if MIL thought that what she was doing was OK, there's no need to sneak around is there?

Well NanaNina that was a ridiculous post wasn't it?

I'm a mil too and a grandmother and I couldn't disagree with you more. Doing anything at your children's homes without permission is overstepping boundaries and rude. My daughter has to deal with this all the time from her fil and it upsets her hugely. She is a bit down at the moment and was very distressed about it a few days ago.

I love my children obviously, but they are independent people, with independent lives and homes of their own. They aren't an extension of me. I get bored sometimes and do a fair bit for my family, but only when they ask or we have agreed it together.

Sorry you are going through this op and hope you can sort it out in some way.

Honestly wouldn't bother me, I have a key to DiL and DSs house, I would only use it in an emergency though.
The window cleaning and the painting would really not bother me, I might be narked if they dug the garden up but not putting planted pots around.
Maybe you could tell them you have a window cleaner and don't need them to do it, does FiL go up ladders to do them?, tell them it's too dangerous and you'd rather pay someone with a proper system to do it.

My neighbours are a couple where only he drives and we live rurally. He has recently had a foot operation and can't drive. I ask most mornings whether they need anything doing from town- am I being intrusive and controlling?Should I stop?

If ILs have decided how they want their garden, why wouldn't they leave OP & her husband to decide how they want their garden?

I mean if they can see a job that needs doing, they can offer can't they?

To which they will get a yes or no answer!

It's how you treat other adults isn't it?

" I ask most mornings whether they need anything doing from town- am I being intrusive and controlling?Should I stop?"

Presumably if they no thanks then it's left at that!

BertrandRussel - yes if you wait til they're asleep and sneak round to redo their garden and paint their windows when they haven't asked

Sorry, x post diddle

If the ILs ask or are asked to do these jobs and there is mutual consent thenI think it's fine. I do think it's wrong if the ILs or anybody else just takes it upon themselves to do stuff, however helpful, without seeking agreement first. I think that is an issue of boundaries and respecting the time, property and feelings of others - however close they might be.

OP - if I were you I'd get a garden gnome and put it somewhere it has a good view and jokingly tell them next time they come that the gnome is on "watch" and is your eyes and ears and will tell you what goes on when you aren't there. If you're lucky they'll get the hint; if not you might end up with a garden full of gnomes.

Whatever you do, don't let them have keys. My parents and ILs have never had keys to my house, fortunately live a long long way away and as much as I would have liked some help when my children were small I'm glad we were able to be independent. I very much hope I'll be able to give my children much more help when the time comes than we ever had but I'll try very hard not to overstep the mark and make sure it's always given with mutual consent.

I can see nananina's point to an extent but I think the key to all of this is about communication - just like at work where we try to respect other people's professional boundaries but with family it's personal boundaries we need to be mindful of. I think here family have overstepped the mark.

I sure a lot of people that would love ILs to paint/clean windows would like to be asked first?

Actually I think Dr0pThePirate is the one who has it spot on.

Helpful PILs are wonderful- I should know, I have a fab set myself. But there have been a few times when they have overstepped the mark- like when they decided that one of our flowerbeds had been empty long enough and they would fill it with begonias (I really hate begonias). So I moved the begonias to a flowerbed that I couldn't see from the back door and simply told the PILs that whilst I appreciated their gesture, DH and I were actually trying to decide what we wanted there and were looking forward to doing it ourselves. They took the hint and have never 'fiddled' with our garden since.

Respect goes both ways. I know MIL loves to do things around the house for us, so I let most things go- like rearranging ds2's chest of drawers . In return, they respect our boundaries. We have a very happy relationship.

It's only when one or both sides refuse to respect boundaries that problems begin. And sweeping generalisation ('all DILs are ungrateful' 'all PILs are interfering') are not going to help anyone. If the OP's PILs are ignoring her boundaries, she has every right to feel upset. It is, after all, her home. Hers and her DH's. They have the right to say what goes on in it.

Give the pot plants back for a start & say that it isn't what you want on your garden.