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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about PIL coming to house when no one is here

226 replies

Anydrinkwilldo · 27/05/2015 18:00

Can't figure out if I am BU, if it's pregnancy hormones or what. I have been signed off work for 2 weeks so been home FT but this morning I had hospital appointment. Got message from MIL (as I do every morning) to ask if I needed anything today from shop etc. I replied no thanks have hospital this morning so not home. When I did get home I saw that 'someone' has been at front rockery and put pots of plants around front of house. I'm fuming that they have come down to our house without either my permission or dh permission and done whatever they wanted to our property. I don't go to their house and start doing what I want to their garden etc. But I'm not sure if I'm over thinking it and should I just let it go.

Not wanting to drip feed they have form for doing this, waiting until there is no one here to come down and clean our windows/paint windowsills and doors etc. I know I sound so ungrateful if they had just text to say they were here I would be fine but I find it so rude to just go to someone else's house and do things. AIBU?

OP posts:
pigsDOfly · 27/05/2015 19:45

Weird sort of controlling behaviour on their part imo.

Some parent just don't want to let go because, of course, they know best.

Bloody rude. Shows a complete lack of respect and any idea of boundaries.

Ya definitely nbu

Meerka · 27/05/2015 19:48

Why not just say to them that they are and have been very kind, but you'd appreciate it if they'd just check with you first?

then if they keep on, say it more firmly that you do want them to check with you. "an englishwoman's house is her castle".

It's bugging you, it's a reasonable annoyance, hopefully a polite word can sort it out.

BertrandRussell · 27/05/2015 19:50

Bloody outrageous! Going round, doing your gardening, painting your windows..........whe you have SPD and can't do much. What utter bastards.

Thymeout · 27/05/2015 19:56

They didn't tell you because they wanted it to be a nice surprise.

Which has obviously massively backfired.

But cut them some slack. Their intentions were good. 'Weird', 'controlling'?
That's ridiculous.

Happybodybunny12 · 27/05/2015 20:01

Ok going against the grain here and at the same time I completely understand how annoying this would be.

It sounds to me like mil is very excited. Phoning you to see if you need any shopping and then realising you are out was trying to surprise and please you with pot plants right where you would see them on your return.

If I were you op as long as she stays outside and doesn't start rearranging your house I would swallow it as you may need her help with the baby.

You might need to set your boundaries then though.

Original poster
Anydrinkwilldo · 27/05/2015 20:08

I can see the 'nice' side of it but they don't do things to be nice, she's bored and that's why they came down, they have been to both SILs in the last 2 weeks and done much the same there. When we moved in here my dh was on shift work. They used to wait until the 45 minutes/hour that the house was empty to come down to cut the garden etc. When we bought our own mower they told us to bring it back we didn't need it coz they would be down to cut our garden. So up went the gate. That didn't stop them they would slip the hand through they gate and let themselves in. It only stopped when we padlocked the gate.

OP posts:
CPtart · 27/05/2015 20:08

Completely overbearing. And why is she asking you every morning about shopping? Utterly ridiculous. Do they still see you and DH as children? I would be fearful for how much you will be fending them off once baby arrives.

Original poster
Anydrinkwilldo · 27/05/2015 20:13

This is dc3 they try to push it with the other dc but I put my foot down there. They see all their children as 'children'. BIL is 37 and they still treat him like a child. His wife is not impressed at all

OP posts:
Momagain1 · 27/05/2015 20:14

I understand that it was probably meant to be a nice surprise, and if it were a one off, I would say, let it go. But the one off let it go opportunity already went. this is the 3rd incident at least? tell them you appreciate they want to demonstrate they care, but the particular method of surprise work on your house is backfiring. Then tell them what you would like. If you really would appreciate specific help at this time, then tell them so. Be clear that 1. you only want the specific help you request and 2. this is on a case by case basis, they aren't to come along in future to do these tasks you need today, especially in your absence. 3. if they have helpful urges, they should call and ask and accept that No is a complete sentance.

It's no good having clean windows and nicely painted window frames looking onto a gifted garden, if you are in pain trying to do the minimum housework. if they want to work, they can come hoover and scrub the bathroom.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/05/2015 20:16

Usually when you dig up stuff that is not on your property and paint shit that does not belong to you it tends to be called vandalism

Momagain1 · 27/05/2015 20:17

Oh, wait. DC3? and way, way past the third incident? and not getting a clue despite a locked gate?

At this point, the problem isn't them, it is their son (the other one too) not putting his foot down. If they are bored, they can go volunteer somewhere. there are innumerable charities in need of hands.

bunchoffives · 27/05/2015 20:23

Wait until you know they are out then return all the plant pots, arranging them artfully up their driveway to the front door so they have to move them all to get in.

Weird, haven't they got their own lives to get on with?

spillyobeans · 27/05/2015 20:23

Yanbu. My fil let himself into our flat when i was out the otherday and took my very expensive camera to 'have a shot', never asked and i dont know where he got the key from....very pissed off! Especially as when i went round to theirs it was lying on the floor with parts all over the place and camera bag now stinks of fag smoke. Angry

defineme · 27/05/2015 20:33

My inlaws do this, despite being told many times, spray the garden with weedkiller despite the cats, cut down flowers as well as weeds, fil thinks world will come to an end if grass grows more thana week without cutting. It makes me cross when they've come in thehouse without asking, but i also fear fil will have a heart attack in my garden and people willblame me!
They are trying to help, but unwanted unasked for help isn't really help. They are also bored and implying their 52 year old son isn't meeting the required homecare standards and mil wants fil out of the way.
i can't say anything, it's futile strife, they look after the kids whenever we ask and take us on holiday.
but my house is not my home as much as i would like

MrsTedCrilly · 27/05/2015 20:34

YANBU! My MIL reorganised my wardrobe while I was on holiday, where I keep our 'draw of doom'.. Thank christ I had the foresight to take the stuff with me as I had a feeling she'd snoop.
No way would I ever think to do this when I'm a mother in law!

Roobo · 27/05/2015 20:39

Would piss me off royally.

When we'd not long lived in our first flat, DH's sister let herself in when she knew full well I was there! I didn't know she was coming and assumed it was DH when I heard the door go. Looked out and found her grinning like an idiot in my hallway.

Who the fuck does that?! (can you tell I'm still pissed off Grin) I made DH get the key back after that.

BertrandRussell · 27/05/2015 20:41

"Completely overbearing. And why is she asking you every morning about shopping? Utterly ridiculous"

Er- because the OP has SPD. I would do that for a neighbour- never mind my daughter in law!

auntpetunia · 27/05/2015 20:42

Oh don't, my DH has just spoken to FIL who wants to pop in on Monday while he's waiting for his car to be serviced, apparently he does this quite often and no one thought to tell me!! I've said ok as long as MIL doesn't come, DH says she won't be, but I'll have to make sure all dusting etc is done over the weekend and the bathroom has fresh towels just in case.

Meerka · 27/05/2015 21:21

ok, if this is a pattern then I see the frustration.

Even so, I think you are best off telling them directly (but politely) that you prefer doing these things for yourself or simply not doing them and could they please let you handle it yourselves.

If they still don't listen then simply give the flower pots away - and drop into conversation that that's what you've done. When they say they've repainted the windows, let the silence grow stony.

You're going to have to actually stand up here and let them know that you wish to be asked before they do stuff for you. There's not much point fuming on MN when what's needed is to make it clear that the overhelpfulness is indeed over helpful and not wanted. Then you'll have to weather the following sulks. They'll almost certainly pass in time unless they're terrible grudge - holders.

At its simplest, which is more annoying? this intrusive help and consequent fuming, or them sulking a while?

Drania · 27/05/2015 21:58

In my opinion, YANBU. DF does this. The only way we know he has been by is dirty mugs in the sink, biscuit tin is empty and semi skimmed milk in the fridge, which he brings with him as he doesn't like what we have. Not sure why he comes over most the time, nothing in the house moves except the biscuits! When asked he just says he wanted to pop in on us, he knows our work patterns, and doesn't come over unless we are at work. Hmm

TheCatsMother99 · 27/05/2015 22:10

YANBU. My MIL has a habit of doing this and continues to do stuff like this despite me and my DH having said no to her.

When we first moved in to our hours years ago she bought loads of things like fake flowers and pot puri and put them around the house. I HATE both of those things but felt like I couldn't be a b*tch about something she probably thought was nice.

At a later date she let slip that whilst we had been at work she'd come round with various friends of hers to look at our new house. I was fuming! My house isn't an open house.

Up until recently she'd do us a supermarket shop every so often & just put it in the fridge, then text DH saying 'don't be angry but I bought you a few things at the shop'. Problem is, she would buy stuff that I don't like and either felt like I had to eat to avoid waste or she would buy way too much food and we have had to either throw away or freeze (if we had space left after the last lot of weird food she bought).

She would also pop over and do washing up despite the fact I had specifically told her I don't want other people doing stuff in my house as it makes me uneasy.

I just don't understand why they do stuff like this?! Like you said, I wouldn't go to theirs and do stuff like this & I bet the PILs wouldn't tolerate it either.

TheCatsMother99 · 27/05/2015 22:12

House, not hours. Grrrr

YsabellStoHelit · 27/05/2015 22:25

Yanbu. I would remove keys from anyone who used them to go in my house for ANY reason, unless they asked first and either myself or DH agreed. I think it's common courtesy to ask before you enter someones house.

caravanista13 · 27/05/2015 22:25

I'm obviously completely out of step here, but I think they're being thoughtful and supportive. Why do so many DILs suspect malign motives?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/05/2015 22:32

Perhaps because it's usually a crime to trespass and tamper with other people's stuff or vandalise their house and garden.