Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

about PIL coming to house when no one is here

226 replies

Anydrinkwilldo · 27/05/2015 18:00

Can't figure out if I am BU, if it's pregnancy hormones or what. I have been signed off work for 2 weeks so been home FT but this morning I had hospital appointment. Got message from MIL (as I do every morning) to ask if I needed anything today from shop etc. I replied no thanks have hospital this morning so not home. When I did get home I saw that 'someone' has been at front rockery and put pots of plants around front of house. I'm fuming that they have come down to our house without either my permission or dh permission and done whatever they wanted to our property. I don't go to their house and start doing what I want to their garden etc. But I'm not sure if I'm over thinking it and should I just let it go.

Not wanting to drip feed they have form for doing this, waiting until there is no one here to come down and clean our windows/paint windowsills and doors etc. I know I sound so ungrateful if they had just text to say they were here I would be fine but I find it so rude to just go to someone else's house and do things. AIBU?

OP posts:
Dr0pThePirate · 28/05/2015 12:09

Blue what were they doing in your home? Snooping? Just sitting around drinking tea? What was their excuse?

VodkaJelly · 28/05/2015 12:09

My problem is with my dad rather than my IL's. My dad is great as in if i needed help with anything he would be there like a shot. But, isnt there always a but, the more you ask him for help the more he pushes the boundaries.

Letting my dad do too much means he tries to muscle in on other areas, he has talked my 16 year old who has no common sense, has no sense of direction, lives in a dream world and cant ride a bike very well into buying a moped. Apparently i will be paying the £500 insurance for it, the £120 for the CBT, all the petrol for it, buying a helmet gloves and a jacket, without being asked. I said twice I didnt want him to buy it. I was ignored. Until I lost the plot, had a shit fit and the idea is now forgotten about. My son would kill himself on it, I am not saying that lightly, but he would.

It is a poisoned chalice taking help from my Dad, he thinks it gives him the right to interfer with everything else.

BlueThursday · 28/05/2015 12:12

we never really got an answer. I think they just wanted a nose about thb

juliascurr · 28/05/2015 12:13

yanbu
do it back - plants, paint, the lot
pay someone if you can't do it
good work Blue Grin

Original poster
Anydrinkwilldo · 28/05/2015 12:23

Nana thanks for your perspective, but that is YOUR life with YOUR Dils. Unfortunately not all MIL are like you. I have just arrived home to them here again, planting more flowers into the rockery. Because they didn't get the message yesterday when DH told them not to call without prior arrangement as our neighbourhood watch were out en force. to top it off they're planting fecking MARIGOLDS

So basically they have been told and are still arriving down. Does that sound like reasonable behaviour to you Nana? Because to me it really doesn't.

OP posts:
teatowel · 28/05/2015 12:33

My PIL did came into our house a lot when we were first married and we were at work. They did little jobs they thought were helpful (and sometimes they were) I did find it somewhat annoying BUT they are my husbands parents and the last thing I wanted to do was to cause rifts between us. I tried to understand that he was their child and they had a vested interest him and wanted to still help him and show their love for him. I didn't consider it controlling although many choose to think of it like this. When you are first married your relationship with your inlaws is very new and has to be worked at. I hate the word setting boundaries I think it often means building gigantic walls. We did actually mostly grin and bare it and changed things back that we didn't like. Over the years their over involved interest waned and I grew to care for them very much. If I had made a huge fuss and provoked arguments then we would all have lost out. Those who ask if you would let a neighbour or friend behave in this way the answer is of course not. A neighbour did not give birth to my husband does not ,care, worry and love him. These people may be relative strangers to their DIL but they are not to their sons and we need to remember that and cut them some slack.

Tequilashotfor1 · 28/05/2015 12:39

This is my sad face Sad at why my mil can't be like you nana.

Here - have a chuffty badge Star

Tequilashotfor1 · 28/05/2015 12:40

any can't youbsay you don't like them? Say actually we are going to dig it all up in summer so best not to waste any more ??

2rebecca · 28/05/2015 12:45

They came back because your husband wasn't truthful with them. He didn't say "please don't come around and do stuff in our garden and house because we find it intrusive and don't want you to do it any more" or just "please don't come round and do stuff to our house and garden unless we ask you to " he made up a story about Neighbourhood watch.
Grow a pair and tell them that you don't want them coming round doing stuff any more and maybe add that you are disappointed they came back after being asked not to yesterday. No more neighbour hood watch nonsense, make it clear this is because you don't like it.

ollieplimsoles · 28/05/2015 12:50

OP does your DH actually have a problem with them coming unannounced and doing things to the house/garden.

Because if he doesn't mind it as much as you do then it will be hard to for him to tell it to them straight.

2rebecca · 28/05/2015 12:52

I disagree that this sort of thing has to cause a rift. It only causes a rift if you don't establish boundaries early on and just seethe about things rather than talking like adults.
I don't care how nice anyone is or how good a bond they have with my husband they don't let themselves into my house and poke around it and treat it like their own.
If anyone did that they would be told it's not on the first time they did it. I wouldn't be nasty but would make it clear that if this wasn't to happen again.
It is possible to have a good relationship with people without being a doormat. Being nice doesn't mean letting other people have things their own way.
The inlaws maybe think they are being nice and helpful the OP has to make it clear that she doesn't like it and if they want to be nice then they should leave her garden alone.

Dr0pThePirate · 28/05/2015 12:56

Anydrink go and tell them to stop! Aren't marigolds one of those plants that sort of take over and ruin the garden for all the other plants? A bit like your pils?Grin

Original poster
Anydrinkwilldo · 28/05/2015 13:02

No DH doesn't like them here without us either. He thinks I was slightly OTT to be so AngryAngry yesterday but he did say that it's not acceptable that they come down when no one is here to do these things. He's tried so many times to say it that's why he went down the neighbourhood watch route coz they cannot see that it's an issue. I honestly think it's going to take going batshit crazy on them is the only way to stop them. Dh does the nicey nicely way and I've been there when he has said to them please don't come down and do that again as we don't like people at our house when we're not there and as it's our house we would like to decide which flowers to put in or what colour to paint our own house. They nodded along with him and now go and do this again.

OP posts:
diddl · 28/05/2015 13:06

Ooh, I love marigolds.

2rebecca · 28/05/2015 13:07

So what did you say to them when you came and found them planting flowers? Did you not say "Can you please stop doing this we asked you not to do stuff to our garden yesterday"? I really don't get why you don't just speak to them yourself and make the position clear. They ignore your husband so you have to make things clear. It's starting to sound silly.

ollieplimsoles · 28/05/2015 13:09

They do sound totally unreasonable, they have been told and they are still carrying on.

If I were you, I would go into the house and ignore them completely. text your DH, let him know that they are here and you are not happy. But you shouldn't have to deal with this, not at 39 weeks pregnant with SPD.

If they were trying to help you out towards the end of your pregnancy, they would do actual useful stuff- like house cleaning/ helping get ready for baby. Not planting fucking flowers, they sound like they are doing it for them, not you.

Original poster
Anydrinkwilldo · 28/05/2015 13:13

I asked them (in a very PA way) had they not done enough yesterday and their response was 'oh we're just finishing off'. I said I didn't realise they were coming down again I would have waited until they came down to go to town so they wouldn't be here on their own. And then I said if they needed to come down again to either ring or text before they come down so that I am here. They did the no committal nod again. rebecca it's more than silly now it's absolutely fucking ridiculous I'm a 30+ year old adult trying not to upset my ILs for DH sake

OP posts:
Meerka · 28/05/2015 13:15

Agreed you have to say in absolutely unequivocal terms "do not do that" over stuff you don't like with them. That directly.

Original poster
Anydrinkwilldo · 28/05/2015 13:15

ollie that's the part that seems to have been missed up thread, if they came down while I was here I have so much to be done. It's lashing here and I have loads of washing to do, the clothes horse is up 2 flights of stairs and I can't make it so that's one job for them. Pulling out moses basket, hoovering dusting etc. But for some reason this is what the choose to do. I'm not anti them helping, as long as I know about it

OP posts:
diddl · 28/05/2015 13:15

Oh dear.

If your husband isn't on board then you're a bit stuck.

I think you need to be direct though, they obviously don't take hints.

Meerka · 28/05/2015 13:16

Look, you're going to have to grasp the nettle and upset them.

Or to put up with this til they cant come any more. It's one or the other.

Also, is this their first grandchild? If it is, you better draw your territorial lines right now.

ollieplimsoles · 28/05/2015 13:19

AnyDrink I really feel for you, I noticed that the pregnancy and SPD got lost in the battle of MILs vs DILs- but its a serious thing to consider.

Your DH needs to step up, this is a tough time for you and you don't want your ILs fiddling around outside. Thats what I mean with the fine line of helping and interfering. Helping would be asking what you need doing (and you have a long list!), they are getting in your way now.

I really hope you get this sorted, I'm calm with my MIL most times but this would push me over.

starfishmummy · 28/05/2015 13:23

Mine have done garden stuff without our knowledge - waiting until we were away on holiday. It was obviously premeditated - for mil to get here with gardening tools means arranging lifts or catching two buses each way. The second occasion she actually paid someone.
Thing is if she wants to actually help it would be great. By help I mean actually asking what we would like her to do, not assuming that she knows best.

gofuckyourself · 28/05/2015 13:26

This wouldn't bother me at all. My mum visits every week and when I'm making tea she will do the laundry or get the vacuum out and give the carpets a quick going over. When I had my children she would order food shopping online and have it delivered to mine. I didn't need her to do it she just wanted to help and I was grateful for it. My in laws haven't done anything like that but my ex in laws would and again I was grateful for the help even if it wasn't asked for.

teatowel · 28/05/2015 13:26

I don't think it is being a doormat to stop and look at someone elses point of view and to give a little. I am certainly no doormat! However I really need someone to come and paint my window sills and drainpipes. Any colour would do -so my opinion on this is probably slightly skewed!