about PIL coming to house when no one is here

[Anydrinkwilldo]

Can't figure out if I am BU, if it's pregnancy hormones or what. I have been signed off work for 2 weeks so been home FT but this morning I had hospital appointment. Got message from MIL (as I do every morning) to ask if I needed anything today from shop etc. I replied no thanks have hospital this morning so not home. When I did get home I saw that 'someone' has been at front rockery and put pots of plants around front of house. I'm fuming that they have come down to our house without either my permission or dh permission and done whatever they wanted to our property. I don't go to their house and start doing what I want to their garden etc. But I'm not sure if I'm over thinking it and should I just let it go.

Not wanting to drip feed they have form for doing this, waiting until there is no one here to come down and clean our windows/paint windowsills and doors etc. I know I sound so ungrateful if they had just text to say they were here I would be fine but I find it so rude to just go to someone else's house and do things. AIBU?

My ILs would have done things like this.

Just popped in to do little helpful jobs that we didn't have time for. especially things like bring plants round and put them in for us.

I always saw it s kindness. They had a key, may occasioanlly go in, I didn't see a problem.

MN always surprises me with all the invisible 'rules' and boundareis whihc exist whihc I never knew or worried about.

You can get het up and angry if you like, but you'd be happier if you didn't, shrugged and let it go.

But I think many seem to prefer righteous anger to happiness for some reason.

God just the thought of someone messing with my garden gives me the rage.

I was sleeping in bed after major surgery (radical hysterectomy) I had one leg hanging out of bed as I still had a urine Catheter in. My MIL walked straight in and woke me up- one of the kids had left the back door open. To day I was raging was an understatement. Three days after surgery. She probably saw my fanjita as well. That'll teach her. They don't have keys either. They used to come round and dh's dad would go through our bloody bank statements!

"Perhaps because it's usually a crime to trespass and tamper with other people's stuff or vandalise their house and garden"
Yep. Because what vandals do is pop round and do a few jobs you can't do because you have SPD. Famous for doing your shopping, vandals are....

YANBU HOWEVER it's a tricky one - I think I would call her up and ask how she would feel if you popped round and decided what needed doing for her next time she's out, I have a great MIL but she would be round with her marigolds every day while FIL did the garden for us given half a chance, so for a peaceful life we give them random but helpful jobs that are done at their house. It's useful to us without our privacy being invaded and they still feel we couldn't cope without them, which ultimately is what they want, it's their issue and I haven't ironed DHs shirts in what feel like years they will still try and get far too involved but since I offered to pop round with my Hoover (they're v house proud) it has subsided a bit. Still bloody annoying.

It has absolutely nothing to do with them being in laws, if it were my own parents who decided to pop down because they were bored and do whatever they wanted they would be told (by me) in no uncertain terms that you do not come onto my property without my permission and decide what plants to put into my rockery or what colour yo paint my windowsills. The difference is my parents would never dream of doing it as they see it as an invasion of privacy (have had the conversation with DM previously) and wouldn't like it to be done to their house.

Also, I think, particularly when you have something like SPD, you possibly don't need it reinforcing that you are incapable of doing things, I don't think its specific to ILs, I think I would feel that anyone doing it was being a bit rude, although I get twitchy if friends come round and help wash up after a meal. Social boundaries are a bloody minefield

fuddle the problem is I give her an inch she take 100 miles. If I say 'oh how about coming to help me clean windows next saturday' she'll take that as come once a month when I'm not here to clean my windows. FIL is landscaper by hobby and dh wanted to keep him busy asked for help to do our postage stamp of a back garden. I had previously pulled all the shrubbery out of our garden as i hate it and it's too small for shrubbery and children toys. FIL was in our garden digging holes to put new shrubs in when we weren't here and without my permission. He cannot understand why i don't want green shit shrubs

My in laws were really helpful when I was pregnant. DH and I often had rows and heated discussions. The sorted out the guttering in our back garden and to my later shame I flipped because they did it without asking.
I spent two years feeling territorial at all the little things.
I was a fucking idiot.
Frankly, my house wouldn't function without them. They are my childcare on workdays, my parcel pick ups and my sorter outers. What changed was my attitude. I suddenly saw that they were not enemies. It helped I returned to work. They love helping. They don't mind ground rules at all, in fact they love it if I leave them detailed notes and I instructions.
I have gone from being a defensive mil worrier to adoring them.
My good friend, otoh, has continued her anti mil thing to the extent that the kids wouldn't recognise their nan,because she once rearranged the cupboards.
I suppose I am saying, hang fire. Embrace help, and recognise that they are trying to be kind.

I've said it before but...
I tend to think if you're a difficult DIL with lots of 'rules' and anger towards your MIL, you're probably be a diffiuclt MIL. in the future too.

I cuurently am neither.

I just think all these indignant 'my way' DILs are unlikely to morph into easy going 'your way' MILs of the future.

The thing is, however helpful they are, they are overstepping the mark and they're clearly doing it too often, you ideally need your DH to understand and sort it out though because they sound far too pushy to take it from you without a fight, do they do this to DHs siblings?

This is why I live 2and a half hours away from IL's . Our space is our space!!

I'm obviously completely out of step here, but I think they're being thoughtful and supportive. Why do so many DILs suspect malign motives?

It's called controlling..."passive controlling"?

when I say fight, I'm not suggesting I know them well enough to have reason to believe you'll have an actual fight, just suggesting they may put it down to hormones and continue

Yanbu. My mil doesn't like where we leave out blinds (seriously!) she thinks they're too low down and every time she's in my house the first thing she does is pull my blind up and move my cushions about! One time the bottom of the blind caught on the edge of my beautiful vase I have on my window sill, she clobbered it off the radiator and smashed it to a thousand bits has she learned her lesson, has she fuck. solves it.

I'm obviously completely out of step here, but I think they're being thoughtful and supportive. Why do so many DILs suspect malign motives?

Some people don't mind other people popping into their homes doing stuff unasked.

Some people mind it very much indeed.

As a rule your territory is your territory. Your house and particularly your bedroom are especially YOURS and as a general rule other people should ideally 1) figure out that not everyone ticks the way they themselves do and take that into consideration and 2) tread carefully when on other people's ground.

OP I still think that stating clear boundaries is the way to go eg telling them outright that you appreciated the landscape advice but now it's complete and you can manage yourselves and what about them offering help to the local OAP's home?

Also, it's a bit difficult given the SPD but maybe simply stop asking them for help. It sounds like they mean well, but your ideas and theirs don't overlap so it's better to jsut avoid giving the opening that they can widen into a flipping great highway of helpfulness.

sn00p mine pulled out blinds off the fucking wall

She hasn't touched them since though !

Yep. Because what vandals do is pop round and do a few jobs you can't do because you have SPD. Famous for doing your shopping, vandals are...

They may well do, even vandals must have hearts.

They asked the op if she needed anything this is nice helpful and fairly normal behaviour.

Digging things up and planting other things in other peoples gardens with out their permission and painting stuff on or in other peoples houses is not.

Try going and doing stuff like that at your nearest council office and see how quickly the police show up

I wouldn't want more pots, plants in pots need too much care, I'm reducing mine down. If I came home to find a load of new ones I'd be pissed off. 1 pot plant as a present I'd act grateful for but my garden is only small and it's ours to play with and design.
I would say that I appreciated the thought but could she please ask before doing anything to our house and garden in future and not come round when she knows we aren't in.

Did they contribute to or buy your house for you?

Being kind and thoughtful is as easily done by asking what needs doing first.

Going to someone's home and interfering with their stuff in the hope you'll be thanked is a risky game you aren't always going to win.

I think most people wouldn't do this to others so to be expected to like having it done to you is unfair. All the op's pil's have to do is ask first, they haven't so it's normal that op finds their behaviour annoying and unwelcome.

Dear god - how ridiculous some of these posts are - laughable really. Criminal damage/trespassing - Caravan (and the few others) who think the OP is being unreasonable (and that's putting it mildly as far as I'm concerned) you aren't out of step. It seems fairly obvious that this MIL was trying to give her DIL a nice surprise - "she's been at the rockery" - not sure what this means. Has she moved a rock or two - woops call the police!

AND there are malicious women who clean windows and do painting, and one of them has the temerity to do a shop and pop it in the fridge BUT she buys stuff the DIL doesn't like - bet she does that on purpose - the vindictive old bag. And then there's the PILs who were coming to cut the grass and the poor DIL was forced to put a padlock on the gate to prevent trespass which sock tells us is a crime to "trespass and tamper with someone's garden" --- NO I don't think so sock so OP maybe better not report them to the police on this occasion.

Oh and they're being passive controlling says steamtrain AND the OP tells us how her MIL "oversteps the mark" because if she asks her to come and help clean the windows on Saturday, she takes that as an invite to clean them once a month when the DIL isn't there............diabolical. And worse than that the OP's DH asked his dad to come and do the garden and he planted shrubs without the DIL's permission - what next I wonder?

Phlebas and Bartholomew thank god for the voices of reason. I think your post Phlebas was spot on. BUT the OP tells us they aren't doing it to be nice they're doing it because they're bored - well that's not on is it - being bored when you're an OAP............YES I know sarcasm is the lowest form of wit and I rarely resort to it, but I just get so tired of all you DILs who sound so spiteful to be honest, you really do. When you are MILs and if you have sons, I hope what goes around comes around.

Well, that's me told then.

I hope you enjoyed your little rant there Nana

You username rather gives you away. Do you have an "ungrateful" DIL or more likely, one with healthy boundaries who wants you to keep your bloody nose out of her home and her marriage?

For my part, no one gets to come to my house and do anything to it without my permission, they just dont. Not my parents, not my adult son, not my friends OR my Inlaws. They wouldnt accept it from me so why on earth should I accept it from them on the basis that they are bored or have a misguided sense of what is a favour? My parents once decided to replace my bathroom flooring while I was on holiday. They knew we had been planning to do it and decided to do it for us, except they didnt get the job finished before we got back and I got home to bare floor boards and the bathroom bits and bobs on the landing. Just what I wanted after 2 weeks away. I appreciated the sentiment but once I pointed out how they would have felt if I had done the same, they apologised and have never done it since. This is my PARENTS not my inlaws, so yes I would treat them all the same.

I dont care if the Queen turns up with her gardening gloves on, if I havent invited her or she hasnt asked if its ok then she can feck off and find herself a hobby that isnt buggering about with MY home.

Being pissed off at someone appropriating my property is not being ungrateful, and someone thinking they have free rein to do what they like to someone elses home on the basis that you gave birth to one of the people that lives there is unreasonable in the extreme.

Wow nana rant and a half there! I'm going to assume you are am MIL who has annoyed your DIL by being 'helpful'. Have you RTFT, did you read where I posted that if it were my own DPs they would get shafted very quickly and be told not to do that again?! Obviously not. They are not OAPs and nowhere did I say they were. However they are not working and bored. I know this because they have told mem they have asked me to keep my dc's out of childcare (that I will still have to pay for) so they can mind them because they are bored. It may all be out of the goodness of their heart but deep down, it is because they have nothing else to do their garden is like a show garden, their two DDs gardens are preened to within an inch of their lives so even though they KNOW we don't like it they decided to come down here and do ours. Re read everything you've written in relation to what they have done - solely to our (yes OUR house, that we are paying for, without help or contribution from anyone else) house. There is much more deeper controlling behaviour going on with her, I could write several PAGES of an AIBU on her and her treatment of her dc's but I left it at just the trespassing on my property alone to see if this was normal behaviour from a parent or overstepping the mark