Pro-lifers - what would you do? *trigger warning*

[catcuriosity]

Not a thread about a thread, but obviously there have been a number of discussions on whether blanket bans on abortion are appropriate in this day and age, and a number of people both on and off line have come out in support of them.

I am just curious as to what a pro-lifer would do in this situation, and apologies if this is triggering to anyone.

Scan at 18 weeks reveals part of the baby's brain is damaged and that has impacted the normal development, including deformaties to the limbs and spine, which has a huge scoliosis. The bladder is also very enlarged, suggesting the baby cannot empty it itself, which could ultimately result in the bladder exploding.
More tests reveal that the brain damage has left the baby paralysed, and it would be unable to take its first breath after birth and would therefore die straight away, assuming it made it to term, which was below 50% liklihood.
The paralysis also meant there would be no fetal movement, and therefore no warning signs if the baby died in the womb. If that happened, there is an increased chance of infection (and risk to the mother's life) and also a high chance of no future pregnancies if infection left lasting damage.

And most importantly, doctors think baby's nervous system doesn't develop until 20-24 weeks, and therefore at 18 weeks, the baby can't feel any pain associated with the issues. After 24 weeks, the baby will be in constant chronic pain.

So, do you terminate or carry the pregnancy on?

Terminate without a second thought, what sort of experience would they be looking at, horrendous.

I'm not religious but "Bless You."

Best wishes for the future.

What a horrible, horrible situation.Every expectant mum's worst fear.I am so sorry that you are going through this.
I am vehemently pro-life normally, but this is scenario would be a bridge too far for me.
I am not religious, but I really can't believe anyone, or god, would judge you for terminating in a situation like this.

Oh OP, I'm so sorry you have had this awful news. Guilt is very very normal when you've lost or are losing a child. It's not rational because you've done nothing wrong, you haven't failed and are not at fault but still it's a very normal emotion to have.

I think anyone who would judge you for this doesn't deserve to be in your life or have your friendship and support. They would be, quite simply, foul people.

My friend is very prolife, though I would argue she's prochoice as well because she doesn't judge others and thinks they should do as they need. I can tell you emphatically after hearing her opinion on a friend whose baby had severe brain damage at 14 weeks, she would say just as I have above and express her sorrows too.

I don't think being Irish comes into it, the majority of Irish people would approve of abortion in difficult situations such as these. And some people in the UK wouldn't.

OP, I don't think you should be focusing on what you need to tell your inlaws. What they feel about it doesn't matter, think only of yourself here. This is an awful situation and you don't need the added stress. Best of luck.

I'm trying to be charitable about your sil. Perhaps she's not got all the facts and doesn't truly understand the situation. So she was trying to be kind.... But if I were you I know I'd feel that she's been emotionally manipulative and trying to guilt trip you.
Let it go. If she's not listening she won't take it in. Can you block her messages just for a little bit on your phone/fb. She isn't going to support you so a bit of non contact for a while won't hurt. Let your PILS pass the message on to everyone that you need space.
Thoughtless words cut deep wounds at such times (I went nc with my db for nearly 2 years.) But they heal they really do tho they always leave a scar.

I'm don't believe that women should have the option to abort a healthy child or a child with a defect that doesn't cause pain. The scenario fits my three personal criteria for abortion - risk to the life of the mother, no chance of life for the baby, and a life of pain for the baby. It's hard to know what I'd do but I think I would terminate.

If this is you or anyone you know, I'm so sorry.

Oh Cat. :( I'm so sorry you're going through this. I don't think there is a right and wrong here, you make the best decision you can based on what you know and feel - and that is very personal to you and DH.

Wishing you lots of love.

I am pretty much anti-abortion, brought up Catholic etc etc - but the most important thing - for me anyway - is that not a single person here can answer your question unless they have been in your heartbreaking situation. I'm sure they mean well. I mean well. But as in so many areas I truly believe that when it's YOU facing the situation your opinion will almost certainly change.
Wishing you strength to get through the dark days ahead and know that whatever your decision is, it's YOURS alone and needs to be explained to nobody.

I am not completely pro life, but I personally would not have chosen to terminate a pregnancy under most circumstances. I had my children late and gave much though to what I would want to do if the baby had something wrong that would be incompatable with life. I decided that as long as the baby wasn't suffering I would go to term. But in your case, I really think I would have terminated the pregnancy, because it seems that the baby will suffer once he or she gets bigger, and that must be an unbearable thing to contemplate, even more so knowing that your baby can't survive. I really don't see how the most enthusiastic pro-lifer would judge this to be anything but a kind act if that is what you decide to do. You are in a truly heartbreaking situation and I am so terribly sorry. If it helps, my father was a very devout Christian and so against abortion, but in this case I think he would have absolutely understood why one might choose that course of action.

I wish you strength and love around you, with whatever you decide to do.

OP, I am so sorry that you and your family are having to go through this

I also think that most of the 'pro-lifers' on here are actually 'pro-choice'. They might choose not to personally abort in 'most' scenarios, but still may. They can see why someone else might choose to have an abortion for similar reasons as the OP. Pro-lifers would never abort, under any circumstances.

FWIW, I am pro-choice.

Oh and OP, I think if you believe that side of the family really wouldn't support your decision, maybe tell them you had a late miscarriage? Not that it's really any of their business.

If I were in your shoes I would be making the same decision. I would also be thinking very carefully if I wanted to tell The Family the truth; they haven't sat in the same appointments as you have, they haven't heard the consultants list the various issues with a grave look on their faces. They don't know how the sweetness of the new life growing inside you is tinged with bitterness by the fact that in a few weeks they will be in constant agony. You can tell them these things, but all they're hearing is a list of maladies that doctors might be wrong about and the recollection of a few happy stories in the Daily Mail where medics were incorrect.

I can see how when you make this decision you might want to stand up for your choice and be proud of the fact that you sacrificed pregnancy and the last shred of hope for your child to avoid pain. But if they hold the views you think they do, in all likelihood they'll think you're denying the child a chance at life. In reality the chance of something remotely resembling 'life' as we know it is minimal; what is certain is pain and suffering for all, both emotional and physical. If they know that there is a high possibility of miscarriage I would let them think that the pregnancy ended naturally. Unless you literally have the consultant sitting there with you, the chance of them realising the reality of the situation is minimal.

Sending you and all the other parents on this thread in similar circumstances all of the hugs

There's a documentary on netflix called after teller. The lady doctor in it tells a couple to say, the baby was sick,we went for tests, the baby didn't make it, I can't talk about it right now. That's it that's all you need to say, no one should be judging you. So sorry you are going through this

I'm pro life

The thought of a baby being in chronic pain, the fact it could die anyway and you could die

I'd terminate, sometimes you have to consider the wider options and be open minded. No baby deserves to be in constant pain

In your situation I think you should abort, as the baby will have zero quality of life. You could tell people the baby died naturally to save any unpleasantness over the rights and wrongs of abortion.

My heart goes out to you and the other posters, who have gone through similar things.

Best wishes to you all.

I see you've made your decision so I'm not sure posting what I would do is relevant now.

I wish you the family you hope for. Take care.

Propelusagain - I'm don't think your attempts to categorise people are helpful to this thread. I don't want to derail the thread with a discussion about this, so please just stop or pm me if you feel the need to have a debate about this.

You've shown such dignity and compassion OP, wishing you and yours peace and strength.

yetanotherchangename it is you who want to catagorise. "I'm pro life"

Op I'm so sorry to read what you are going through.

To answer your original question about how to deal with potential difficulties if you terminate from people could you say that your relationship with God (assuming that they are coming from a religious perspective that is) is yours and that it is for him to judge and not them?
If objections are not coming from that perspective maybe simply point out that your dearly loved baby is gone and that however they may feel about the circumstances could they respect your grief.

Of course your decision and your life also includes your right to privacy so if you believe that you will be given hassle at a time that you really need compassionate and empathy maybe the best approach is not to tell people. I realise though that your husband also has the right to tell whoever he wants.

You have my sympathy for a truly awful situation.

A pro-lifer would say that the killing of the unborn is not permitted in any circumstances. Which is why it is so difficult to be absolutely pro-life. So it really has to be a choice for the parents in consultation with medical staff. IMHO.

Sorry not your original question, your question about how to deal with family.

In answer to your original question I always believed that I was pro life but friends situations over the past few years have shown me that these things are never so simple . I would and have never judged my friends, just felt desperately sad for them.

I don't know what I would do to be honest but I suspect that I would terminate.

I am pro life so don't believe in termination under any circumstances.

Due to my experiences I have seen many families be given a similar prognosis for their children only for it to be wrong, yes sometimes the prognosis is accurate but in my experience and within my beliefs there is too much ambiguity to warrant a termination on medical grounds.

I wish you luck in your decision.