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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to not inform absent husband of birth?

127 replies

TheDetective · 25/05/2015 21:39

Long story, but salient points are this:

5 year relationship, culminating in marriage on our 5th anniversary (and my 30th birthday). Already had a just about to turn 2 year old together. Was 7 weeks pregnant at time of marriage.

4 hours after marriage, I recieve a Facebook message telling me of my now husbands affair/cheating just 8 weeks before (went on for around a month over the time we were actively TTC ).

5 weeks later, he walked out on me. I gave him a chance as he said he wanted one. At this point I was 13 weeks pregnant.

Since then he saw his DS (he was his main carer prior to leaving) for a few days. He then disappeared for 2 weeks, no contact to see his son.

After 2 weeks he saw DS again. Lasted 2 weeks. He fucked off again. This was not the arrangement by the way.

Lots of other story, but the upshot is, he hasn't seen toddler DS since then, back in January.

Baby is due very soon.

I don't want to tell him of the birth. Lots of reasons. Main ones are A) I don't think he will give a shit, and this will hurt like hell. B) I want to be left alone at a very vulnerable time in my life. C) He has shown zero interest in his DS, or in the new baby, so what would I achieve by contacting him?

AIBU to just not bother telling him? He's clearly only interested in being a sperm donor given he doesn't bother to use fucking contraception with whoever he shags behind my back and not a father.

As an aside, I have no choice but to give him parental responsibility by putting him on the birth certificate, as I can't divorce him until a year has passed. So he will still unfortunately get that honor.

OP posts:

jorahmormont · 25/05/2015 21:44

I don't know if this will be a popular opinion but IMO if it will cause you unnecessary stress, suffering and sadness depending on his reaction, I wouldn't tell him until DC arrives.

wanttosqueezeyou · 25/05/2015 21:47

YAnbu. He knows you're due. He can contact you if he wants.
Look after yourself.

bunchoffives · 25/05/2015 21:48

YANBU

Your priority has to be you and your dc. I have noticed your posts before and think you are doing really well to just keep going as you are. You sound like a lovely person and a great mum.

So do whatever is best for you and your little family lovely, and don't give that scoundrel's rights or feelings another thought, he doesn't deserve your consideration.

Take all the help that is offered, get your plans A, B and C in place and after that try to focus on the positive and enjoy as much as you can.

Fatmomma99 · 25/05/2015 21:49

That's such a sad post Detective. I'm so sorry. I hope you have support from other areas.

Are you going to be asking him for financial assistance/going after him down the official routes? If so, he has a right to know.

Otherwise, do what is best for you.

Take care of yourself, and all the best.

FanFuckingTastic · 25/05/2015 21:49

My DDs was an absent father, I chose to inform him but no further contact. He was aware that she was born and was healthy, and that I wanted no further contact at that point while I settled in with her.

We agreed in writing beforehand that since he had eschewed all responsibility for the baby during the pregnancy, that it was up to me how much he was involved at the birth. I informed him because she had sisters who I felt should know, and so that he knew she was healthy. I didn't feel he needed any more than that at that point.

Contact was arranged when she was a bit older.

6LittleOnes · 25/05/2015 21:50

Assuming he knows when baby is due, I would leave it up to him to get in contact.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 25/05/2015 21:50

Well he knew you were 13 weeks pregnant when he left so if he's got a calendar and a brain he should be able to work it out without you contacting him. I'd leave it, if he's interested he'll be in touch.

WinterOfOurDiscountTents15 · 25/05/2015 21:50

I think you should tell him. But because its in the childs best interests to have both parents involved if possible. If he chooses not to be involved, at least you will be able to tell the child you did right by them and tried to give him/her both parents.
I look at the rights of the child, and not those of the parents, when taking a position.

Blueboys · 25/05/2015 21:51

Sorry for what you are gong through. He has made his (crap) decision so I wouldn't contact him. He knows where you are. Just concentrate on looking after you and your babies.

Athenaviolet · 25/05/2015 21:54

What an arse!

Such a pita you can't get a quickie divorce.

I wouldn't bother telling him in this situation.

I had an ex who fecked off when I was pregnant. He asked to be told when I went into labour. So I phoned him when the moment arrived. He said he was to busy!! He said he'd come and visit but never did. He never even bothered finding out the baby's name. My dc is better off without him.

Jetgir1 · 25/05/2015 21:55

Tbh if he wanted to know he could figure it out and ask. If he doesn't make contact between now and birth in your shoes I would have the baby, give myself a week or two to recover and settle a bit then let him know.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 25/05/2015 21:56

Assuming he knew you were pregnant and he's an adult.

No I wouldn't bother telling him he's more than capable of doing the maths and asking the question himself.

I also wouldn't actually bother to name him not that it would legally achieve anything at all but if he's not bothered why would I be?

If he is bothered he can walk in there himself and add his name.

Justusemyname · 25/05/2015 21:56

I didn't even need to read your reasons for why. He's a twat for what he did. Don't tell him.

Blueboys · 25/05/2015 21:56

It's only in the child's best interest if both parents are loving, caring and supportive. He hasn't seen their two year old since January!! Not the kind of person that is deserving of being a father.

RightSideOfWrong · 25/05/2015 21:57

Christ no don't tell him. If he wants to know, he can figure it out and ask you, but he's caused you more than enough problems and it's about time that he took responsibility for himself.

DixieNormas · 25/05/2015 21:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MairyHoles · 25/05/2015 21:58

Register the birth without him before you tell him about the birth- you can only name him on the birth certificate if he's with you or you show a copy of your marriage certificate. Do neither. If he cares enough about PR then he can pursue it through court.

I would be inclined to give him the chance after you have had your time to bond with the baby and get the birth registered. But probably only the one!

I hope everything goes well for you.

wheresthelight · 25/05/2015 21:58

just because you are married doesn't mean that you have to include him on the birth certificate in the UK. also you could cite his adultery in order to divorce sooner surely?

chairmeoh · 25/05/2015 22:02

Don't get in touch with him.

He's made his feelings clear and you and your children deserve the time to enjoy getting to know each other in a relaxed way.

If he wakes up and makes contact, would you be happy to 'talk' via a trusted family member or friend?

BiscuitMillionaire · 25/05/2015 22:04

Could you not have a third party inform him of the birth a couple of weeks after the event, also telling him that you don't wish to be contacted unless he wishes to have a relationship with both his DCs?

SweetAndFullOfGrace · 25/05/2015 22:04

I wouldn't tell him if I were in your situation, nor would I put him on the birth certificate. He's perfectly aware of when you're due, it's in his power to involve himself if he wants to. He is an adult.

If he wanted to be a part of this baby's life he would have stayed with you or at least stayed in touch. I fail to see how having contact with a useless and unreliable father is good for a child.

Original poster

TheDetective · 25/05/2015 22:05

Thank you.

I think I am worried I'm being ruled by my hormones. Yes, he knows when I'm due.

He has paid some maintenance for the last 3 months which is something I suppose. His next payment is due when I will be 40 weeks. I'm intending to text him and tell him to increase payment from that date.

This is the only contact I have - via text. He never contacts. If I contact he will reply. That's it. He's 30 seconds down the road. Just urggggghhhhhhhh .

Needs as we will still be married at the time of birth, his details must be included. Unfortunately.

And thank you bunch. I've surprised myself. I didn't think I'd cope. So far, so good.

OP posts:

Original poster

TheDetective · 25/05/2015 22:09

I looked at all the options annulment/divorce.

My only option is to wait a year - you can't divorce in the first year of marriage.

And if you are married at the time of the birth, you have to include your husbands details on the BC.

I will of course query this at the time of registration. If I don't have to, I wont. If he decides to be a man and a father he can apply for parental responsibility, no problem.

OP posts:

NeedsAsockamnesty · 25/05/2015 22:11

That's actually not true op.

I am legally married (still am) my two younger children born within the marriage have a blank space next to father and during the registration the registra checked with the GRO that she was not obliged to put my husbands name down. (She had no information regarding the conception)

whitershadeofpale · 25/05/2015 22:11

Can you not have the marriage annulled instead of waiting for a divorce?

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