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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not inform absent husband of birth?

127 replies

TheDetective · 25/05/2015 21:39

Long story, but salient points are this:

5 year relationship, culminating in marriage on our 5th anniversary (and my 30th birthday). Already had a just about to turn 2 year old together. Was 7 weeks pregnant at time of marriage.

4 hours after marriage, I recieve a Facebook message telling me of my now husbands affair/cheating just 8 weeks before (went on for around a month over the time we were actively TTC Confused).

5 weeks later, he walked out on me. I gave him a chance as he said he wanted one. At this point I was 13 weeks pregnant.

Since then he saw his DS (he was his main carer prior to leaving) for a few days. He then disappeared for 2 weeks, no contact to see his son.

After 2 weeks he saw DS again. Lasted 2 weeks. He fucked off again. This was not the arrangement by the way.

Lots of other story, but the upshot is, he hasn't seen toddler DS since then, back in January.

Baby is due very soon.

I don't want to tell him of the birth. Lots of reasons. Main ones are A) I don't think he will give a shit, and this will hurt like hell. B) I want to be left alone at a very vulnerable time in my life. C) He has shown zero interest in his DS, or in the new baby, so what would I achieve by contacting him?

AIBU to just not bother telling him? He's clearly only interested in being a sperm donor given he doesn't bother to use fucking contraception with whoever he shags behind my back and not a father.

As an aside, I have no choice but to give him parental responsibility by putting him on the birth certificate, as I can't divorce him until a year has passed. So he will still unfortunately get that honor.

OP posts:
JohnCusacksWife · 27/05/2015 13:41

I think you should tell him but not for his sake....for yours. Should he do a volte face in the future and decide to get involved he may well use it against you in the future if you choose not to tell him.

I'd take the moral high ground and inform him. That way no-one he can never say you behaved badly.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/05/2015 13:48

Surely any reasonable person responding to "she never even told me he/she had been born would be saying " you knew she was pregnant, can't you work out 37 weeks? Why didn't you check"

I know sure as shit I would

JohnCusacksWife · 27/05/2015 13:54

Yeah - a reasonable person would think that way but he's clearly not reasonable! And kids may not be capable of that logical thought at a young age. I have a friend whose exH twists and turns things to show her in a bad light if he possibly can. Her response is always to be the bigger person and give him as little ammunition as possible.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/05/2015 14:19

He does not need to be reasonable for the op to be ok with not saying anything and he can be as unreasonable as he likes it does not mean anyone he's talking to will also be UR it's more likely they will be perfectly normal reasonable people

Atenco · 27/05/2015 18:02

As if abusive types need real things to twist around!

fatlazymummy · 27/05/2015 18:46

atenco where does it say he's abusive? Uninterested and irresponsible maybe, but that doesn't = abusive.

GatoradeMeBitch · 27/05/2015 23:29

It's emotionally abusive to dump your family without a backward glance.

Original poster
TheDetective · 30/05/2015 17:01

Apologies for not coming back.

After my last post - I ended up going to be seen with reduced movements. While there I started contracting. A very long day in hospital later (was 36+3) I finally got home after things settled. I had to drive myself home from hospital. As I was driving near home, he pulls out from a side road behind me, with a girl in his car. He went to the cinema. I might have stopped. And left a note on his car. Just to let the girl know about his wife, child and unborn baby. Grin

The next morning I went back for my growth scan, as my previous baby was small for gestational age.

This baby is also growth restricted. He's estimated at 4lb 11. He is being induced - tomorrow. So I haven't stopped since, getting everything ready.

Given my previous children have been 13 days late, and 20 days late, this is like the shortest pregnancy ever Shock.

So I'm 37 weeks today. I did actually text him. My text was 'you need to increase your maintenance payment from Monday'. I text that wednesday afternoon. Wednesday night I text again 'acknowledgement?'. He finally replies on friday at 11am... 'why monday?'. Then he said 'just wondering are you telling me our son has been born?'.

So, he gets a message he thinks means the baby has been born... and it takes him almost 48 hours to respond? Really?

After a few more texts, I haven't confirmed or denied the birth. So he then starts asking can he have his car key back Confused. Right. So, you might have a new baby, and you want to talk about a car key? A car that by rights is fucking mine you shit face.

He's unreal to be honest. And no, he hasn't contacted since then, or been here. Or anything else.

So I'm not telling him anything further. What is the point? He doesn't care. He doesn't care about anything but himself.

I'm planning to not put him on the BC if I can help it - if I have to - so be it. But fingers crossed, I won't need to. (Baby will have his surname, as I have it too, and my other DS has it - so I'm keeping it. I don't care that it is his name. It's thousands of other peoples name too. It's just a name. Sod it.)

Quitelikely - he was his main carer yep. He worked part time, me full time. But he walked out of the family home, and stopped caring for him at all. It's a long story, but he relinquished his main carer status. I then discovered an awful lot of things out about his 'care' of DS. I'm not going to go in to the ins and outs here. I've posted things in the past if you wanted to read them.

OP posts:
GatoradeMeBitch · 30/05/2015 17:23

What a useless tosser he is. You're better off without him. Best of luck for Monday! Flowers

Original poster
TheDetective · 30/05/2015 17:28

I'm not gonna lie - I'm shitting myself!

But it's got to be done. And in some ways, it has made things easier. I've been living in limbo for months, waiting for this baby to be here so we can get on with our lives.

I've been worrying about going in to labour and being on my own with 2 children and giving birth with no one here, and not being able to find anyone to come to me in the middle of the night etc etc!

At least now, there are more concrete plans in place. And I've got a 6 week shorter pregnancy than I'd psyched myself up for! (was 40+13 first time, 40+20 second time!!).

OP posts:
Lovemylittlebear · 30/05/2015 17:53

You can do it detective :) Best of luck for the birth xx

Atenco · 30/05/2015 19:22

Hope you have a very easy labour, OP Flowers

Pishedorf · 30/05/2015 19:31

Best wishes for the birth xxx

DPotter · 30/05/2015 19:37

Very best wishes Detective!

ThePhoenixRising · 30/05/2015 19:40

PR here (have nc)

Just sending you hugs and love and you do what is best for you and your gorgeous kids and almost kid.

We're all thinking of you in this household, and I know you are going to rock this situation, just like you have been awesome all along.

Remember how fabulous you are at every step of the way xxxx

HootyMcTooty · 30/05/2015 19:44

I remember your thread on your wedding night, absolutely heartbreaking.

Do whatever you need to do to be happy, he deserves nothing.

Good luck with the baby, you sound like a lovely mum Flowers

Chipsahoythere · 30/05/2015 19:45

I remember your first thread in that hotel room and I just want to say, you are amazing!!

Starlightbright1 · 30/05/2015 19:47

Wishing you the very best for the birth.

I remember your hotel post.. You are an amazingly strong women and your children are very lucky to have you xx

queenofthepirates · 30/05/2015 19:57

Best of luck for the birth and boo sucks to your ex. He is a nincompoop.

HopefulHamster · 30/05/2015 20:08

Best of luck OP. He is indeed a bastard of the highest order. What a thoughtless bellend. Screw him.

This is about you and your children now.

Original poster
TheDetective · 03/06/2015 20:09

Just an update Grin. After the perfect birth, and being blessed with a perfect baby seriously, he's a dream baby! I'm in a massively strong place in my head. I let him know today by text and a beautiful picture of us after the birth. He's a horrible bitter little boy. He basically said I shouldn't have bothered telling him if that's all I wanted.

I'm going to do an update thread with everything linked together. I can't believe I've done it. I can't believe I've prepared for the worst. And got the best.

I'm so utterly happy right now. With my teeny newborn in arms. He could never be tainted by his useless cunt of a father.

OP posts:
6LittleOnes · 03/06/2015 20:21

Congratulations. Wishing you and your beautiful boys the best of luck for the future. Xxx

Aermingers · 03/06/2015 20:26

Congratulations! I think he's very lucky to have such a lovely Mum. Makes up for his twat of a father! Grin

CruCru · 03/06/2015 20:37

Congratulations!

Summerisle1 · 03/06/2015 20:41

Congratulations on the birth of your beautiful little boy.

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