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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not inform absent husband of birth?

127 replies

TheDetective · 25/05/2015 21:39

Long story, but salient points are this:

5 year relationship, culminating in marriage on our 5th anniversary (and my 30th birthday). Already had a just about to turn 2 year old together. Was 7 weeks pregnant at time of marriage.

4 hours after marriage, I recieve a Facebook message telling me of my now husbands affair/cheating just 8 weeks before (went on for around a month over the time we were actively TTC Confused).

5 weeks later, he walked out on me. I gave him a chance as he said he wanted one. At this point I was 13 weeks pregnant.

Since then he saw his DS (he was his main carer prior to leaving) for a few days. He then disappeared for 2 weeks, no contact to see his son.

After 2 weeks he saw DS again. Lasted 2 weeks. He fucked off again. This was not the arrangement by the way.

Lots of other story, but the upshot is, he hasn't seen toddler DS since then, back in January.

Baby is due very soon.

I don't want to tell him of the birth. Lots of reasons. Main ones are A) I don't think he will give a shit, and this will hurt like hell. B) I want to be left alone at a very vulnerable time in my life. C) He has shown zero interest in his DS, or in the new baby, so what would I achieve by contacting him?

AIBU to just not bother telling him? He's clearly only interested in being a sperm donor given he doesn't bother to use fucking contraception with whoever he shags behind my back and not a father.

As an aside, I have no choice but to give him parental responsibility by putting him on the birth certificate, as I can't divorce him until a year has passed. So he will still unfortunately get that honor.

OP posts:
bunchoffives · 26/05/2015 20:16

Looking on the gov.uk site it is not totally clear about the obligation to supply the father's name on registration.

It says
You may need proof of paternity from the other parent before you give their details if they aren’t going to the register office with you.

So if he doesn't go with you to register the birth it sounds like they can't accept your word for him being the father.

But on the PR page it says

  1. Who has parental responsibility?
... A father usually has parental responsibility if he’s:

married to the child’s mother
listed on the birth certificate (after a certain date, depending on which part of the UK the child was born in)
You can apply for parental responsibility if you don’t automatically have it.

So as you are still married it says he can have PR.

I think your best bet may be to email Citizens Advice and see if they can clarify.

Or you could just leave him off (which has all sorts of benefits in that you will not need to consult him on the child's discipline, education, movement etc) and see if he challenges it - which is what I would do whatever they say.

I'm glad you've got an older child who can help out a bit OP.

I bet that with a third you will be fine through the newborn stage - you know what you are doing and hopefully you'll get an easy one xxxx

Aermingers · 26/05/2015 20:42

He's a massive twat. And FWIW you sound like a lovely mum.

I think he should still be given some basic details after the birth. What is the situation with his parents? Could they be given info to pass on to him? Potentially via your parents/a friend/sibling so you don't have to deal with it.

I wouldn't tell him anything until you've left the hospital though, just incase he causes a scene.

Aermingers · 26/05/2015 20:43

Just date, weight, sex.

ChunkyPickle · 26/05/2015 20:48

Fairly irrelevant, but that can't be the case can it? How does it work if you're married but someone else is the father? You'd be lying on an official document.

Aermingers · 26/05/2015 20:57

Chunky I believe that there have actually been a few cases where that has happened, a father who wasn't the biological father being immediately names as father purely because he's married to the mother. One was on Jeremy Kyle. Blush

SweetAndFullOfGrace · 26/05/2015 21:03

I think this is the relevant legislation. I can't see where it says anything about the father having to be named if the parents are married. It seems a lot more concerned about fathers being named if they're not married to the mothers (pesky women in the 1950s couldn't be trusted to name the right bloke reliably evidently).

DayLillie · 26/05/2015 21:08

I think a former MP found out about that when he could not lay claim to the child born from his affair with a rich married woman, whose husband wanted to keep her. All babies from a marriage are the husbands, unless he is prepared to give them up.

This was before they changed the law so that fathers named on the birth certificate automatically get parental rights. This may have muddled things up in an unexpected way.

OP - you have to do what you think is best for the child with the birth certificate. I wouldn't bother informing him - he is well aware - until it is obvious that he is not bothering then give him name date and sex etc.

mynameisnotmichaelcaine · 26/05/2015 21:18

Am sure you don't have to put dh down. SIL is still legally married to my brother but has had a baby with new partner, her legal husband is def not on the bc. Good luck op, sounds like a very tough situation.

mimishimmi · 26/05/2015 21:22

YANBU at all. He would know when the baby is due so if he's interested to know, he should be making contact. Best wishes Flowers

Quitelikely · 26/05/2015 21:34

So he wants to see his son but you won't let him unless he is supervised?

Hang on you said prior to the break up he was main carer? Confused

DixieNormas · 26/05/2015 21:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

slithytove · 26/05/2015 21:43

Sorry op..
Was the marriage consummated and would stbxh want an annulment?

Aermingers · 26/05/2015 21:50

Yeah, it was David Blunkett and Kimberley Quinn. Would the OP still have legal rights to property etc if she went for an annulment? She doesn't want to give any entitlement she has away.

BettyCatKitten · 26/05/2015 21:57

Given his truly abominable behaviour I think you are within your rights to do what you want. I wish you all the best Flowers

fatlazymummy · 26/05/2015 23:25

I would inform him after the birth.
Personally I would put his name on the birth certificate. That will eventually belong to the child and he/she has a right to the correct information and record of their birth.
Best of luck to you and your children Smile.

GatoradeMeBitch · 27/05/2015 00:14

If he's not aware the baby is due soon then I can't even articulate what an immense dickhead he is.

Why should you have to send him a birth announcement on top of everything else you are doing without any help from him? I wouldn't bother. I can't bear the 'The father has his rights' bullshit. Rights come with responsibility. If he's not taking any responsibility for his family, he shouldn't have any rights either. And as far as doing it for the baby's benefit, I can assure you as someone who was once born - babies have no clue who is in the delivery room, and they have no clue who got birth announcements.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/05/2015 00:37

Unfortunately since they changed the rules a birth certificate is no longer just a record of the childs birth. It's an actuall document that shows anyone who looks at it who has PR. PR can be used very effectively by disinterested parents to fuck you about.

As you are married he will have PR and he can add himself to the cert without your consent just by walking into the registra office. But without being named on it you do not have to be providing proof of his PR to all and sundry who may see it.

You don't need him with you to add him because you are married and he could also register without you.

If he was not biologically the father because you are married you/he could still put him down due to presumption of parentage without breaking the law however Neither of you are obliged to.

When my two youngest were registered she asked me if I was married I said yes but seperated and that I did not want to put him down. She did not even ask me if he was the biological father and tbh I didn't wish to get into Turkey baster talk with her. She spoke to a case worker at the GRO who pretty much said the presumption of parentage is not an ideal not an order ( for want of a better way of wording it) you can assume it but you don't have to.

Think of it this way a married woman has an affair concieving a child it's impossible for it to be her husbands if he or she wishes him to claim the child they can but unless one party insists on it for registration purposes they cannot be forced to,and you should not have to disclose your sexual misdemeanours to civil servants.

Andrewofgg · 27/05/2015 09:03

Gatorade the divorce petition will serve as a birth announcement - so will any claim for CM. Why not do it at once?

Happybodybunny12 · 27/05/2015 09:12

Well he's pleased himself so you do what you feel is right for you and yours.

Get some free advice to make the bastard pay you financially though op. His kids he should help support them.

Best of luck to you.

5madthings · 27/05/2015 09:24

Op don't bother telling him, he can contact you any time he wants, he knows how long a pregnancy is..

I also remember your first thread from the hotel, big well done for getting on with life. Good luck for the birth and you will be fine for the newborn bit, elder siblings are very handy!

Andrewofgg · 27/05/2015 11:15

Happybody Of course he should pay CM but that too will involve telling him the name and d.o.b. of the baby!

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/05/2015 11:42

I very much doubt the op is meaning never telling him,given that he rocks on up every six months or so plays daddy to the 2 yo for a couple of weeks then buggers off again. If/ when he shows up in a month or so it's likely that he will notice either a baby or a none pregnant estranged wife.

I expect what she is meaning is not bothering to go to the imposition of telling him straight away or during her recovery period. It would be highly unlikely that's she's intending to hide the childs existence forever.

She can apply for CM when ever she wants she can also apply for divorce when ever she wants after the year is up, and if he's like most compleatly disinterested annoying ex's chances are he will just ignore or not bother reading any divorce paperwork. Even if he does read them she can still delay doing it as long as she wants

dixiechick1975 · 27/05/2015 12:41

I would get baby registered assp by you. You don't want him registering baby as some daft name/his surname whilst you are in hospital out of spite.

Momagain1 · 27/05/2015 13:15

Another reader glad to hear that you are carrying on pretty well, OP. Your thread is one of the first I read, the response was eye opening.

A text after the fact of birth and registration are complete, to point out the necessary increase in CM seems reasonable and all he should really expect given his lack of interest.

i agree with dixiechick that the you getting the birth registered ASAp in whichever way you decide, is crucial. You reminding him, by text, that he should expect to increase CM by (first of month after due date) seems reasonable Until I considered the potential to trigger registry nonsense.

Littlefluffyclouds81 · 27/05/2015 13:28

He sounds like an absolute wankbadger but I would cover your back here and text him when you have recovered from the birth, just a simple text saying 'your son/daughter was born on Tuesday' for example.

Because if not, I bet he's the kind of knobber that would use it against you in the future if he decides to grace your children with his presence, e.g. "Your mother didn't even tell me you'd been born! I found out 3 weeks later from Dave at the pub" or somesuch. I wouldn't give him that ammo.

Good luck, hope you have someone to be really supportive during the birth, if not I highly recommend a doula, I got one at dd2's birth as her dad was an unreliable dickhead.