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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not inform absent husband of birth?

127 replies

TheDetective · 25/05/2015 21:39

Long story, but salient points are this:

5 year relationship, culminating in marriage on our 5th anniversary (and my 30th birthday). Already had a just about to turn 2 year old together. Was 7 weeks pregnant at time of marriage.

4 hours after marriage, I recieve a Facebook message telling me of my now husbands affair/cheating just 8 weeks before (went on for around a month over the time we were actively TTC Confused).

5 weeks later, he walked out on me. I gave him a chance as he said he wanted one. At this point I was 13 weeks pregnant.

Since then he saw his DS (he was his main carer prior to leaving) for a few days. He then disappeared for 2 weeks, no contact to see his son.

After 2 weeks he saw DS again. Lasted 2 weeks. He fucked off again. This was not the arrangement by the way.

Lots of other story, but the upshot is, he hasn't seen toddler DS since then, back in January.

Baby is due very soon.

I don't want to tell him of the birth. Lots of reasons. Main ones are A) I don't think he will give a shit, and this will hurt like hell. B) I want to be left alone at a very vulnerable time in my life. C) He has shown zero interest in his DS, or in the new baby, so what would I achieve by contacting him?

AIBU to just not bother telling him? He's clearly only interested in being a sperm donor given he doesn't bother to use fucking contraception with whoever he shags behind my back and not a father.

As an aside, I have no choice but to give him parental responsibility by putting him on the birth certificate, as I can't divorce him until a year has passed. So he will still unfortunately get that honor.

OP posts:
whitershadeofpale · 25/05/2015 22:13

Sorry OP x-post

AnUtterIdiot · 25/05/2015 22:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MissJoMarch · 25/05/2015 22:15

You must be raging, seriously raging at the spineless twat

If it was me I'd not tell him, but I'm sure a part of me would want to send a sarcastic text just to see if he responded but I'll be honest - it sounds like he has checked out.

You are incredibly brave & strong, you are going to have a beautiful newborn (snuggles!!) and you will be rid of this man soon. Flowers I wish I knew you, so I could give you a HUGE hug xxx

Greythorne · 25/05/2015 22:15

It may not be in the interest of the child to have a selfish, feckless, unreliable adulterer in their life.

LineRunner · 25/05/2015 22:32

I have sometimes found myself wondering how it is really in some children's best interests to have the State force a shit parent into their lives. But hey ho. It's late and I'm a bit tired.

Original poster
TheDetective · 25/05/2015 22:35

Oh you bastards, making me cry!! Blush

There's other reasons why he isn't involved - all of his own doing/making. He had an option for supervised contact. He hasn't gone for it. So, his big fucking loss. Toddler DS is such an amazing kid, totally different to the baby he left behind. He's growing in to the sweetest, kindest little boy. He hasn't lost out on anything, and I'll make sure his little brother won't either!

I really hope I can needs. Am going to worry about that one at the time. I couldn't get a definitive answer previously. It would be easier for passports etc to not have his details on there if he has chosen to walk away from his children. Fingers crossed. Smile

OP posts:
Pilgit · 25/05/2015 22:41

If you're in the UK there are no parental details on a passport (an area close to my heart as the prospect of being separated from my children was the only reason I changed my name). And there is no presumption that children of a married woman are her husband's..... to have his name there he has to be at registration - I thought that was the new rule, married or not.

The5DayChicken · 25/05/2015 22:43

I'm pretty certain you don't have to put him on the birth certificate simply because you're married. You being married doesn't necessarily mean he's the father (I don't mean to insinuate that he isn't, merely that it would be problematic to write it into law that a husband must be on the certificate.)

As for the telling him, the feckless twat has some form of calendar, I'm sure. If he's arsed, he can bloody well get in touch. He's aware he's fathered a second child. It's not your responsibility to open doors for him to show an ounce of decency.

DawnOfTheDoggers · 25/05/2015 22:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

The5DayChicken · 25/05/2015 22:45

BTW, I think I remember your first post about this. You were in the hotel room if I'm right? You've done spectacularly well and are a credit to your children. Thanks

SylvaniansAtEase · 25/05/2015 22:45

I think I would be prepared to stare the registrar straight in the eye and say that I unfortunately couldn't remember my husband's name.

However, sounds from what Needs says that you don't need to put him on the cert. Can you contact the GRO yourself? Where did you get your info from?

No, I wouldn't contact him around the birth. Afterwards, at a time suitable for you, yes. But NOT when you have just given birth. The only important people at that point are you and the baby, and his rights/feelings matter not one jot when compared to the rights both of you have to take those first few days/weeks to recover, bond, learn to feed and settle down. Even the slightest risk that he turn up and upset you should be - well, just deleted as a possibility really.

You sound as if you've done amazingly. He's a cunt.

Original poster
TheDetective · 25/05/2015 22:48

Dawn it's not about denial of parentage, it's about trying to make life easier - I don't need to contact him (he could move, change his number, I'd never find him) to get permission to go abroad, or get his details (passport number, parents details etc) for a passport application. Just lots of simple reasons, nothing to do with denying anything.

Hope that makes it clearer.

OP posts:
hoobypickypicky · 25/05/2015 22:49

YANBU. If he wants to be a part of his children's lives he needs to make the effort. If he doesn't, they'll be better off without him anyway.

Take care of yourself TheDetective.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 25/05/2015 22:51

I think long term you need to give him a chance to be involved (as you already have done). Short term, the priority is whatever you want. Happy mum is what's best for newborn ds2.

Original poster
TheDetective · 25/05/2015 22:51

Yes chicken you are right, I was. It was over 6 months ago now. I can't quite believe it.

I have really surprised myself in many ways. My last anxiety is coping with a newborn on my own. After that, I can do anything, right?!

OP posts:
Original poster
TheDetective · 25/05/2015 22:53

Sylvanians online mostly. There isn't much guidance to be honest. Solicitor also gave the same information when I was trying to get advice re: divorce/annulment.

OP posts:
scribblegirl · 25/05/2015 22:55

Hi detective - nothing helpful re informing the cockface I'm afraid (others far more intelligent than I!) but I just wanted to say that I recalled and posted on your original thread under a different name. I've thought of you over the past 6 months and hoped you were doing well. Best wishes for the birth - you're an inspiration Flowers

Fatmomma99 · 25/05/2015 23:00

Aw. Some lovely posts for you, Detective, and sounds like you're doing brilliantly.

Just wondering (before Chicken and others said it).. I wonder how many women are married but carry a child by another man... I bet it's a fair number.

PrimalLass · 25/05/2015 23:01

Goodness I remember too. Well done on getting to this point and being such a good mum to your little boy.

The5DayChicken · 25/05/2015 23:01

I think I told you at the time TheDetective (under a previous NN), I left my twat of an ex when DD was 6 weeks old. I've done it all alone since and he barely lifted a finger in those 6 weeks. If I can do it, you definitely can. He has nothing to do with her now and I completely understand why you'd want to avoid having your ex being on the birth certificate. I'm soon going to have to work out if I can get DD a passport while not being at his mercy for his passport number.

The5DayChicken · 25/05/2015 23:04

I had to get all of mine and DD's things out of the house in the days after I left...it's not the same as having a 2 year old to look after too, but I found my stretchy wrap really helpful as DD was easily soothed in it and I could get things done. I'd highly recommend one for you.

You'll be invincible after this.

Original poster
TheDetective · 25/05/2015 23:29

And there was me expecting a roasting in AIBU Blush. Vipers, my arse! Grin.

I'm very lucky in that this is actually ds3, with ds1 being 13 (luckily, his dad is not a grade A prick, it just didn't work out, too young, different people etc, gave it a very good go for 8 years together). Ds1 has been brilliant throughout. I think this has been/will be the making of him. He's a brilliant big brother.

chicken I have my stretchy on order from the sling library Grin. I've got a few slings Blush. I started a thread last week asking for ideas to make life easier with a newborn/toddler on my own. Turns out I have a LOT of this stuff already Blush. I'm really hopeful it will all be okay.

OP posts:
Andrewofgg · 25/05/2015 23:50

You will have to inform him in this sense: in your divorce petition you will be required to state the name and date of birth of very child born during the marriage. That's not optional. And of course he will see the petition.

If ever you want CM you will obviously have to tell him.

So bite the bullet. Is there some third party (a relation of his, a friend of you both) who could pass on the message that on such-and-such a date you had a boy/girl and that both are well?

Preciousbane · 25/05/2015 23:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Atenco · 26/05/2015 03:40

I hope you can avoid putting him on the birth cert, OP, for precisely the reasons you give.