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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not inform absent husband of birth?

127 replies

TheDetective · 25/05/2015 21:39

Long story, but salient points are this:

5 year relationship, culminating in marriage on our 5th anniversary (and my 30th birthday). Already had a just about to turn 2 year old together. Was 7 weeks pregnant at time of marriage.

4 hours after marriage, I recieve a Facebook message telling me of my now husbands affair/cheating just 8 weeks before (went on for around a month over the time we were actively TTC Confused).

5 weeks later, he walked out on me. I gave him a chance as he said he wanted one. At this point I was 13 weeks pregnant.

Since then he saw his DS (he was his main carer prior to leaving) for a few days. He then disappeared for 2 weeks, no contact to see his son.

After 2 weeks he saw DS again. Lasted 2 weeks. He fucked off again. This was not the arrangement by the way.

Lots of other story, but the upshot is, he hasn't seen toddler DS since then, back in January.

Baby is due very soon.

I don't want to tell him of the birth. Lots of reasons. Main ones are A) I don't think he will give a shit, and this will hurt like hell. B) I want to be left alone at a very vulnerable time in my life. C) He has shown zero interest in his DS, or in the new baby, so what would I achieve by contacting him?

AIBU to just not bother telling him? He's clearly only interested in being a sperm donor given he doesn't bother to use fucking contraception with whoever he shags behind my back and not a father.

As an aside, I have no choice but to give him parental responsibility by putting him on the birth certificate, as I can't divorce him until a year has passed. So he will still unfortunately get that honor.

OP posts:
blink1552 · 03/06/2015 20:47

Congratulations!

Justusemyname · 03/06/2015 20:51

Congratulations.

What does he mean all you wanted? Is he talking about money?

Aermingers · 03/06/2015 20:55

I think the OP mixed the post up a little bit, but given she's just given birth that's understandable! Sounds like she's feeling good and the baby is well, which is the main thing. Smile

ArseForElbow · 03/06/2015 21:01

Congratulations!! Enjoy your little boy. Smile Flowers

Haffdonga · 03/06/2015 21:04

Massive congratulations to you and your family Thanks

Starlightbright1 · 03/06/2015 21:36

Congratulations on the birth of your baby boy. He is very lucky to have you

Thisismyfirsttime · 03/06/2015 21:37

Congratulations!
Re the birth certificate I am very sure that you do not have to put him on there just because you're married. If you are not married you both have to attend to both be on the certificate. You cannot add a father at the initial registering if he doesn't attend. If you are married you could attend and bring your marriage certificate and he would be added. Likewise, he could attend without you and register the baby. BUT; he would need to attend with the relevant paperwork (a part of the discharge notes) so he could NOT do it without your consent. You can also attend and register without including him (as above, you'd need to actively bring your marriage cert if you wanted to). He could apply later to be added but it isn't as simple as just walking in and demanding he's added. The decision is yours of course but I just wanted to clear that up as I know a bit about this! Also be aware that if you go through official routes for CM or during your divorce you may at that point need to add him to BC.
I'm quite sure you're not worrying about all that right now with your lovely newborn but when you're ready to start thinking about it I hope it helps. Thanks

chandelierswinger · 03/06/2015 21:42

What a strong woman you are. I was going to say what Biscuit said, and suggest a third party makes contact with the news, but obviously ensure that the message includes that you would like some space to settle before he considers making contact with you. I really hope the birth goes well for you.

chandelierswinger · 03/06/2015 21:45

Wow, missed the page with your update! Congratulations on the birth of your baby boy! Flowers

You have, ultimately, been the adult here and done what you felt was right. Karma will sort him out.

Enjoy your squishy newborn! Smile

NoArmaniNoPunani · 03/06/2015 22:02

Excellent update OP, so happy for you.

Preciousbane · 03/06/2015 22:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Atenco · 03/06/2015 22:14

Many, many congratulations, OP.

Original poster
TheDetective · 04/06/2015 00:34

Thank you!

I'm still on cloud 9. He's a little dream. Toddler isn't so keen on him yet! But we will get there I'm sure!

With regards to him saying why bother if that's all I wanted - he means why have I bothered to tell him if I don't want him to know anything else. As in know his name, weight, etc etc.

Quite frankly, I don't think he deserves to know a thing. He's had chances and he threw them all away.

Here's a few pictures which I'll cherish forever Smile

OP posts:
Original poster
TheDetective · 04/06/2015 00:38

I forgot to add, today I breastfed a 2 day old baby in a toddler group while doing the hokey cokey! I think we are gonna do just fine on our own!

Happiness is getting on with your own life and leaving behind the bad which clouds your vision.

OP posts:
britespark1 · 04/06/2015 06:53

Congrats OP! You sound like an amazingly brave lady and just wanted to wish your and your children all the best. You will be just fine :-)

my2centsis · 04/06/2015 08:09

What lovely photos op!! So beautiful!! You sound so incredibly strong!! I am in complete awe of you! What lucky kids to have such an amazing mum!! Wishing you all the very best!!!

Preciousbane · 04/06/2015 08:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CornChips · 04/06/2015 09:07

Such beautiful photos! What a gorgeous little one!

Aermingers · 04/06/2015 09:09

He's beautiful.

Andrewofgg · 04/06/2015 09:16

Congratulations and give him a cuddle from MN.

You were right to tell him. Now you've got the gorgeous baby and he's got the bitter feelings so who has come out of it better?

TwinkieTwinkle · 04/06/2015 09:18

I read your thread when you started it but didn't really have anything to add (all the other posters said pretty much what I would have). Just wanted to pop on and say congratulations on the birth of your beautiful baby boy. Smile

ChickenLaVidaLoca · 04/06/2015 10:38

Lovely news OP! I remember your wedding thread and am delighted you're doing so well.

On the legalities point, I'm not sure whether an annulment would actually be any quicker than a divorce, especially as you've been married a while now. If you haven't already, it would be a good idea to see a solicitor about which would be more advantageous for you. When things have settled down of course.

Atenco · 04/06/2015 13:21

Thanks for the pics, he is gorgeous.

PenguinsandtheTantrumofDoom · 04/06/2015 13:29

Congratulations. Can't see photos on app but will look later.Smile

MrsLecter · 04/06/2015 14:18

Can I just say OP, I'm due any day and I've been having so much anxiety about having a third DC and been really teary/fretful for weeks (luckily not due to DH but lots of other worries/concerns) but you have totally inspired me! You really are amazing (I also read your post from the hotel) and one day that man (when he grows up!) is going to so sorely regret losing out on such a beautiful family. You have gone through such a lot and been so strong and it makes me feel like I can be strong too.

Thanks for making me feel powerful, inspired and happy for the first time in my pregnancy. You're a wonder and if someone can cope with what you have maybe I have a chance of being ok too.

Best of luck with everything Flowers