to be bit upset with dsis re food?

[wandafull]

Just had dsis and her family

• her dh and two dc- to stay for bank holiday weekend, plus had another ffriend, her family, same number of kids. So, busy house. Dsis sits me down just before she left and told me as nicely as possible that the food situation was a 'bit weird'. To give a bit of context , I was always overweight as a child and this continued into adulthood- really had to do portion control and had a personal trainer for a while to drop down a size. Anyway, I have two dds and definitely do not want them to be over weight. So, they get good healthy three meals a day but no snacks in between. I don't offer snacks to other kids either, when they are here and don't give them it if they ask. Otherwise my dds get very upset when they are not allowed but others are. So I suppose I'm quite careful with adult portions of food now I've lost the weight- as has dh too- and I don't make piles of food when we have guests. Dsis basically told me that her dc were hungry and grumpy and that she hadn't had enough to eat and that it was weird that I offered so little food! She was nice about it but it's got me really quite worried- I offered guests and kids cereal for breakfast at sevenish, then nothing till lunch at 1 and then nothing till kids tea a 5 and adult dinner at 9Ish. Is that weird?

I have a friend who is super slim because she barely eats
Her kids are typical slim energetic kids and can eat whatever
Her husband has shrunk in size scarily
When we go there I'm jealous of the kids snacks, the food is lovely but small in volume,,, we now meet at a pub it's easier for all involved
I'm a size 10 btw so not huge!

Depending on the weight of the DSis and friend, I'm not at all surprised that they didn't say anything. We never feel we can ask for more food at my sister's house, because we are overweight and she and her family are slim. It's a hideous combo of being made to feel famished but also greedy!

I hope in time you will be glad your sister told you this.

My DH and his sisters remember being hungry as children (no problems with money except for an inability to spend it) and there was an attitude of treats being bad for you/unhealthy/extravagant, etc. And my MIL would count food at mealtimes to ensure everyone got an equal share, ie, three potatoes each. She tried it at my house once, just once.

The result - both the SILs are overweight because they couldn't restrain themselves once they left home; also one of the SILs got herself a reputation at uni for having bad manners because if a bowl of food was put in front of her she would trough it rather than take what was enough without her mother counting it out - she had never learnt good manners.

Even now, when I sort the laundry I find mars bars wrappers in DH's trouser pockets because he will buy the forbidden booty on the way home from work or at lunchtime. He isn't overweight (particularly).

Everything in moderation OP; everything in moderation. Stock up on yoghurt and fruit, cheese and crackers so there is something to graze on and to be honest, I'd always give something more substantial than cereal.

9pm is very late for adults. Theres no time to degust before going to bed. If i remember rightly some will be stored as fat if eaten late. Nothing wrong with fruit or bread sticks as snacks. I dont think my sister two very active perfect weight children would last morning without a snack.

I think we're missing crucial information which has been presumed.

Did the children ask for food and get told no?
Was there enough food at meal times or did plates get cleared and no option for more?

If the answers to those are yes and no then it looks like people didn't have enough to eat. If not, then I think it's ok. We've had lots of threads on here saying snacks are why we are getting fatter as a nation and that they aren't necessary.

I think when you've small children it isn't usual to provide a hot breakfast either. I think cereal is fine and filling, depending on what it is. Muesli and a banana fills me up all morning fine.

Unless I've missed a response by the OP, I think people are being harsh.

Irishlassie I am.like you. Maybe because my mum was Irish! I buy much more when we are having guests and constantly check if they are hungry.

I think the OP gets the point now, so I won't comment on that, but I do wonder why the sister waited until after the weekend to say something. Quite frankly, if I were staying with someone and they told my young child no to a snack, I'd have stepped in and said 'no, he really is very hungry, I'll just make him some toast or something' and actually done it. If your children get upset, then that is for you to manage. She could have gone to the shops and stocked up food. Didn't she bring anything with her? I would have at least taken cheese, crackers, nuts, etc for a pre-dinner nibbles platter, and I would have just got up and put it out for people to eat if they chose. She could have been a bit more proactive at the time, rather than just sitting around sulking about it.

RoganJosh, OP, says that she refused snacks to the children, and that she is "careful" with adult portions, which does imply that that is all anyone gets.

You are supposed to allow children to eat when they are hungry. Your regime for your children is like a prison camp. You will give them food issues.

London - I have always eaten evening meal around 8/8.30pm my whole life. I'm size 6-8, so I don't think eating late makes people 'fat'. How do you think almost all of mainland Europe stay healthy size yet eat much later than majority of British people. French/ Spanish/ Italians all eat 8-9pm earliest. In Italy you are often the first in restaurant if you arrive at 9pm

Your sister did you a big favour by talking to you in a sensitive way. She needed to say something (and probably should have told you the first night rather than at the end). I appreciate you feel bad now, but I think (without realising it) you treated your guests very harshly and subjected them to a weekend where they were deprived of food, hungry, irritable and powerless to do anything about it, since you live rurally and they were dependent on you for food.
I don't think it's ever ok to impose strict mealtimes, portion control or a no-snacks rule on guests, no matter what you do with your own family in private.

I'm not a big eater (and I've always been very slim), but as a guest I would find your routine and meals very inadequate, my blood-sugar would be low, and although I'd go along with your routine I'd feel unwelcome in your house. Like many people I prefer to eat small amounts regularly. There is nothing wrong with nutritious between-meal snacks, grazing is natural and healthy, it keeps blood-sugar stable and prevents overeating at mealtimes. I think you need to be flexible when you have guests and accommodate different needs. You don't have to eat snacks with them but you do need to make snacks available.

When we have guests I like to offer as much choice and variety as possible with minimum hassle. I always have a well-stocked fruit bowl and bowls of snacks out in living-room (e.g. nuts, wrapped chocolates, cereal bars, biscuit tin etc) so people can help themselves when they feel like it. I also tell guests to help themselves to food from fridge/cupboards and make sure I've stocked up on things like yogurts, cheese, crackers.

Offering cereal as the only breakfast option sounds stingy and controlling. I hate cooking in the morning (and find cooked breakfasts greasy), so when we have guests I get up around 7:30 and put out a selection of cereals, porridge sachets, fresh breads for toasting, variety of spreads (jams, marmalades, butter, soft cheeses, nutella), plate of warmed croissants, and a selection of Danish pastries (normally the mini-pastries selection in a big box from Tesco bakery). This takes minutes to set this up, looks attractive and welcoming, and guests can help themselves as and when they wake up.
Mid-morning around 10:30 I offer hot drinks and cake for anyone who wants it, maybe a tray of toasted tea-cakes or scones for variety.
Lunch would probably be selection of breads, cheeses, cold meats, salad. Timing for meals would depend on when guests were hungry, lunch would usually be around 1-2pm.
Mid-afternoon e.g. 4pm I'd make another round of hot drinks and offer various snacks.
Evening meal I'd either cook for around 7pm or we'd all go out to eat.

IMO having guests is a time to relax your normal rules, get food in that you wouldn't normally buy/eat, and try not to let your own food rules affect guests. I also think it's polite to ask guests in advance what their normal mealtimes are and if they or their kids have any special likes/dislikes. Being a good host is about putting guests first. If you don't want your kids to eat sugary high-calorie snacks in between meals, at the very least offer healthy snacks like fruit, yogurt, granola-bars, crisp breads, rice-cakes, low-fat cheese, salad items etc.

Art&Co - where do you get the idea that mainland Europeans are all a healthy size? It's true that the young tend to be, but everywhere I go people over the age of 50, male and female have bellies like barrels.

Another one who eats my evening meal late (9pm usually!) and am a size 8-10. We used to live in Madrid and Milan and got into the habit -!; have never gotten out of it.

But silver is right, there are a lot of overweight Spanish and Italian men and women over the age of 50!

I would have hoped the OP gets the message that she seriously underfed her guests and probably has some food issues that need addressing.

I do feel for the OPs guests, I went to a friend's for dinner recently and was served a tiny chicken breast, 3 tiny potatoes (those small baby pearl/salad ones I.e miniscule), ONE baby carrot and two asparagus heads. I hadn't eaten since lunch and was deliriously hungry afterwards.

I always over cater and have special foods in for guests, it's what being a good host is about and I would never refuse a guest food if they asked.

I think if I was a guest and had something sensitive to discuss then I'd save it til the end of the visit so I could escape immediately afterwards

Who'd want to risk spending a few extra days in a potentially horribly awkward atmosphere? At least this way you can digest the conversation (as it were) in peace and be ready for next time.

Silver - sure, but still less that overweight over 50s in Britain or even if equal surely that's more an age thing that a eating late at night thing. I have lived in many of these countries and most def do have a healthier diet and habits eating later with less snacks

I think the Dsis saved it until the end because she probably thought long and hard about whether she should bring it up and if so how to do it. She also maybe thought the first day was a blip and was waiting to see what happened for the rest of the visit.

Food is a very emotive issue, as a plump size 14 in many ways I'm jealous that the OP is thin, so therefore as a guest I'd automatically think that her way was right and I must just be particularly greedy.

I now know from staying at my D'cousins that I wouldn't stay there with DH & DS as the contrast in eating would just be too stark and would just make everyone else uncomfortable.

For those that eat your evening meal late - do you have a snack or something between lunch and dinner - or do you eat lunch later?

I remember visiting friends and they had booked a dinner table for 9pm - by that time I had no interest in food and was practically horizontal after a couple of pre-dinner drinks, but fine if that's what you are used to.

Eating at 9pm doesn't make you fat. Eating before bed doesn't cause any more fat to be stored than if you ate all your calories before 10am. No scientific evidence for that at all.

I don't usually have a snack between lunch and dinner rookie (although currently 34 weeks pregnant so all normal rules have gone out of the window!). I do tend to eat lunch later though, maybe 2-3 ish. I don't know how people eat lunch at 12, it still feels like breakfast time to me! It's just habit though and a direct result of spending years living in France, Spain and Italy.

Also tend to have bigger lunches I think, so I would never just have a sandwich for example. Id have something like soup, sandwich and a salad so I stay fuller for longer.

There seem to be a lot of posters over dramatising this situation. OP has realised that she wasn't a great hostess and should have offered more, but I really can't see the point in banging on at her that she has an unhealthy relationship with food. She knows that, she wouldn't have needed to lose weight and start controlling portion sizes if she'd never had a problem.

Wanda, start letting your children know that they can have a healthy snack like fruit if they want it in between meals, and then carry on as you are. Three meals a day is working for your weight control so stick with it. Just be prepared to be flexible when hosting.

Ah ok worlds 3pm - 9pm is roughly the same as 12pm - 6/7pm and makes more sense, although I'm always ravenous by lunch as well so wouldn't want to push that back either.

ici she said she refuses snacks in general, I didn't see her say that she did this weekend though. It makes a massive difference to me.

Just remember that this was all done out of love. The OP in restricting food believes that this is a way of helping her children have a healthy attitude to food and is showing she loves them. And the sister in telling the OP sees this as an issue, but loves her and wants to deal with it rather than brushing it under the carpet and ignoring or distancing. So emotions are automatically very high.

The OP has been very brave in admitting she needs to think about this more and she should be applauded for that.