If youre in your 50s and 60s what would you tell your 40 year old self?

[Baconontomato]

Just that really. I'm lacking direction and oomph and wondered will the wisdom of years help! What should I know about my 40s? I'm a SAHM with young children and a v stale marriage.
Does life get better?

Bit off topic, but really echo a previous posters advice about the menopause. If you start getting anxious, shouty, vertigo, can't sleep, hot flushes etc in late 30s early 40s - it could well be the menopause.

Go to your GP and keep asking till you get help. And look at menopause matters website - it made a huge difference to me and to getting my mojo back and enjoying life again!

And yes to trying something a little different every day! (I'm only 46...)

Happy Birthday NewTwenty !

Make sure you have a wide variety of activities where you have a voice and are respected and listened to. This may be, or may not be, paid work (many jobs do not require your opinion to be considered and may be very bad for identity/mental health). Being at home all day with DC and no adult recognition is not good for self development or mental health in the long term.

Many Happy Returns NewTwenty

Oh I absolutely agree with learning to say no. "I'm awfully sorry but I just don't think I have time to do it properly so best I don't do it at all", said with a smile. "Would you be very upset if I didn't come on the office Christmas do? Bowling just isn't my thing".

Many thanks!
Hopefully I am getting my forties off on the right foot by going out to lunch in the sunshine with my DH.

On a more serious note, I am planning that this is going to be the decade in which I get politically engaged.

Yay! Happy Birthday NewTwenty.
When I mentioned living your life through your adult children, i wasn't having a dig either. I meant that I have a couple of friends who literally don't talk about anything/anyone else apart from what their grown-up kids/GC are up to. I think it puts a lot of pressure on the kids to maybe be in touch more than they're comfortable with out of a sense of duty/guilt. And I wish these friends had more things just for themselves that didn't hinge on their kids.

DD is expecting and I do want to be available to support,help and enjoy the new little family, but I don't want to be in their faces or emotionally blackmailing them into being involved with me if that's not what suits them. None of my friends have GC and I am determined not to ram any new additions to my family down' their throats or go on about them constantly.

I don't want to have nothing to do for myself and be waiting for every message, text, photo of my GC to arrive etc.

Life only gets better if you make it get better yourself. Nothing happens by magic. So work out what you are not happy with and take action. If you don't, you find yourself at 50 wondering what happened to the last 10 years.

Me, personally, if I could go and speak to myself at 40? LTB!

1 Cherish my Dad even more than I did (he was my single parent from the age of 10) ... I couldn't imagine losing him & lived in denial as he was so healthy until died after a short illness when he was 88

2 Realise that the teenaged annoyances of the DC would pass, and that they would all be fine, despite DS' diabetes & the girls' phases of vile rudeness etc

3 Tell my vile & toxic sister to F the F off

4 Cleanse face without soap, tone & moisturise !

Wish I could go back in time

Do any of you wise ladies have any specific regrets?

yes - I wish I had listened to my body more - menopause was okay, but I should have looked after my pelvic floor - always too busy

I have no regrets. I wish I hadn't made some of the mistakes I made but if I hadn't I wouldn't have learnt from them and couldn't have moved on.

Happy birthday NewTwenty

I'll be 40 later this year, and I've found this thread fascinating.

I definitely need to find some time to exercise - I'm starting to put on weight, and I can do something about this.

I have started to find ways to follow my interests and meet new people. I must persevere!

I'm wondering about work/life balance. I have an interesting and (fairly) well paid job, but I feel like the DC need me (they are 9 & 11). I probably could reduce my hours, but I'm fully aware this will mean doing the same amount of work for less pay (and will impact my pension).

On the other hand, my instinct to fuck decorating and spend the money on fun family holidays seems like it is a winner

Do any of you wise ladies have any specific regrets?

Do you, OP?

Oh don't ask me! I swear I'm clueless! My life is one long jog of children and laundry. I am disabled (officially although you'd never know it) and it shattered my once glittering career. I'm on auto pilot, with frayed nerves, watching my looks fade and my tits fall. My husband, who has ignored me for years, has now suddenly decided I'm his gal, when faced with the cost of divorce. The fear of regret terrorises me, and so I'm left meek and dithering, watching the months fly by. Hence this thread...

This is why I love MN Thank you OP
I gave up a high powered career to be a SAHM and I love my time with my darlings ,but am searching for that thing ......all these posts are brilliant . thank you x

Bacon - just re-read your OP as I forgot where this thread started from (

My only regret ( if you can call it that; it doesn't keep me up at night ) is that I was a bit too cautious.

Since I threw caution to the wind, I've been having a ball and my family is still thriving and happy.

Once you've weighed up the pros and cobs of something, crack on, I say. Over analysing is skin to perfectionism; the enemy of success ( and fecking boring for those around you).

I should have done at 40 then what I'm doing now at 60. Trying lots of hobbies/crafts/classes/groups, volunteering. I know your time is limited but see what is available you must have a spare hour or two somewhere.

I find at classes that lots of people drop out with or without a good reason so just go, see if you like it. Same for volunteering, people leave because they have found jobs or their time commitment has changed. So you don't have to feel you are wasting anyone's time by joining. Look at the local college/ uni are there classes available? There are some short home classes on the OU. I am putting bits on Ebay. Photography? You can sell your photos online (not much chance as there are millions) the photo must be over 17Mb. But as soon as you think, maybe I could do that, you look at your surroundings with a different eye and the world is that bit more interesting. Meditation for your frayed nerves, we have classes round this area, perhaps you do too. Give thing a go.

Bacon, that sounds very difficult. Is the worst thing the disability (something like MS, ME or depression)? My solution on laundry has been first my children's father did it and I chose not to know how to work the washing machine and now our cleaner does a good bit of it and puts it away. I do put the machine on a few times a week though.... I certainly don't feel overwhelmed with laundry.

If you can sort out what your biggest problems are then try to solve those which can be solved and not others. Eg are you happy your husband has now decided not to divorce or do you not want to stay with him? Are the children going to be grown and gone soon so worth sticking a bad marriage out until they are off your hands or do you have years of them to go? My teenagers will go to university in 2 years.

I don't really regret things ever and each decade gets better than the last so far. I do tend to take risks other people don't and that has helped with things like leaving a bad marriage despite paying a fortune to my husband on the divorce (I earn more), working for myself etc. However all these things often relate to personality type and people are as they are. Plenty of non risk takers are perfectly happy too. I don't think there's one right way to be.

Also what people want at different life stages varies too. People supposedly get more like their spouse when they are with them and when they split up revert more to how they were before which is not surprising. Also what someone wants to one life stage they may not like at another. My mother was very good at dancing in her youth but spent her middle years doing heavy digging and winning prizes for her allotment produce. The ability to change your interests and how you are from time to time is worth cultivating.

I think the main differences as more to do with children. When they are little you don't have time for anything much. When they are older you do.

?In hindsight'je ne regrette rien'?
well, nothing of any major consequense

I used to regret having children rather young (as opposed to waiting another decade) but now I feel differently, I think it is easier to recover physically and mentally when you are younger and more resilient.
?
I think having to cope with dependent children and peri menopause / menopause would have left me an absolute wreck.

I have relished the freedom that I gained in my mid 40's when my children flew the nest ?

I have loads of regrets Bacon. Loads. But I'm getting better at just letting them go.

I wish I'd worried less about what others think
I wish I'd dealt with my anxiety before it limited me for so long
I wish I talked to my dad more before he died
I wish I'd focussed more upon what actually gave me joy rather than the things that are easy.
I wish I'd handled my sons disabilities better.
I wish I'd realised sooner that in the majority of situations there isn't a perfect choice. There are usually a couple of decent options - pick one, you can make it work.