If youre in your 50s and 60s what would you tell your 40 year old self?

[Baconontomato]

Just that really. I'm lacking direction and oomph and wondered will the wisdom of years help! What should I know about my 40s? I'm a SAHM with young children and a v stale marriage.
Does life get better?

I have found that I have grown in confidence as I have got older.
I was a v shy, awkward child and teen and never thought of myself as attractive even though I was or would have been if I had made any effort and had had some confidence. I now like myself more and know that I actually look quite good for my age. I got to the stage some years ago where I don't give a shit what others think as long as I am true to myself, my family and my values. It is quite liberating. I also see a lot of suffering and a lot of bravery in my job (as well as masses of people who are absolutely unable to cope with normal life). This seems to help me to stay grounded and realise that I am very fortunate and this knowledge helps to make me contented.

I had to work really hard for the first 10 years or so of motherhood with no family support (because family chose not to be involved rather than because of ill health, age, etc), DH working lots of hours, me working, demanding jobs, several enforced house moves, some health issues.
Since our last child was born and particularly as I approached 40 I started to think about doing some things that I wanted to do. I do have small amounts of time now and have started to do a few things that I want to do which has been wonderful. I find that little things can make all the difference and I can see that I will be able to make more choices for myself as the children get older.

I agree with what was said about it being easy in some circumstances for life to revolve around the children, now doubt particularly as a SAHM. My mother did this and it made her unhappy and resentful as we got older. She made a big thing of doing everything for us and not doing anything for herself in spite of actually having plenty of time as she never worked again after having children. She is also one of those people whom you an give advice to again and again but never takes any of it and seems to continue in the same cycle. I tried to help when I was younger but gave up as I got older for this reason. People have to want to change themselves.

surely this should be in classics?

will pm MNHQ to suggest it

some great posts here pag from everyone

Loving this thread - thank you all for your wisdom and sorry to all those of you who are struggling

42 here and just picking career up again after several SAHM years (partly enforced: DS2 heart condition and autism) and now trying to find myself again/create some space after a difficult few years - rough patch in marriage after DS2 diagnosis and financial resentment from DH due to me feeling I couldn't work (he didn't immediately accept the diagnosis and we both handled it very differently). Drinking too much - stress, self-medication. Appalling sleep.

All much better now but a way to go. Yoga has been great. And yes, mindfulness (Pag if you're still on the thread would love to know which app you use). And little 'treats' to top myself up every day as I have been running on fumes (advice from a life coach - so many plates spinning I always felt guilty doing anything for myself but giving myself permission to eg take ten minutes in the sunshine right now on MN before going back to th spinning really helps!)

Loving the advice about not trying to fix people's problems - one person in particular who was like a sister to me I have wasted unfathomable amounts of energy on. Every time I saw her she made me cry and I didn't have the energy to keep giving to her with everything that has been going on. Haven't seen her since January and it is such a relief!

This thread has been brilliant. Thank you all for all your wonderful advice.

It has inspired me to make a wish list with the kids (4 and 6) of things they'd really like to do/experience. When they're older, I want them to look back and feel we listened to them and that they had some fun times with mum and dad. It'll probably involve camping (shudder) so I'm bracing myself!

I use "mindfulness daily" on my iPhone.

It's pretty good choosandchips.
The planned meditations are quite good and you can set reminders or do a journal.

I still do a journal Gratitude mainly and some 'gentle' reminders to chill

Great thread, in my late 30s and just feeling a bit beat down at the moment. Needed a reminder that being older than 35 doesn't mean you are too old to change!
Pag, your Maldives story is so sweet. I got my own mum paddleboarding last year - after her refusing to go swimming in a swimsuit from her early 30s - it was great and something the whole family still talk about!

Thanks Pag! And yes I loved your Maldives story too!

Liking the wish list too theconstant

I would have told myself don't put up with your stupidly long and heavy periods.They will lead to severe iron deficiency anaemia and leave you shattered and depressed.I would have gone back to my GP and demand something is done sooner and don't be fobbed off with the Mirena coil.
I would have taught myself to breathe properly and get less stressed.Just five minutes of quiet and deep breathing can turn a fraught day into one you can cope with.
I would have laughed more -I do now - and not over thought things so much.
I would have stressed less about my teenagers.It all worked out fine.I should have known it would.
And I should have trusted my instincts about the woman my husband had mentioned in passing from work when we bumped into her at the cinema and as she gave me a sickly smile and said how nice it was to meet me was pawing my DH.I'd never been remotely insecure but I just sensed she was trouble.And she was.

I'm coming up to my forties, what a great thread. I have child rearing all ahead of me, fully expecting these to be the hard years. I can safely say that I've taken all the financial and career advice on this thread on board, it's no picnic not being financially secure in your fifties. I need to take the exercising advice on board though, so I'm joining a gym next week and making sure I don't end up on the couch for the rest of my pregnancy. I'll try to be a chilled out mum, I'm inclined that way anyway. Thanks for the inspiration!

What a great thread.

I'm 43. In the last few years we've been diagnosed with infertility and I decided my life had to change. I've just completed a BA and have accepted that I won't have children.

I am finally LTB in a few weeks. I can't tell you how excited I am. I'm waiting for the start date of my new job.

I've made lots of new friends through uni and MN and they are being really supportive. I love having friends who are younger than me (I'm old enough to be their mum!) because they're so optimistic and their life is out there. So is mine.

I've also lost nearly 5st; I'm still a bit overweight but have totally got my sass back after finally deciding to leave and renewed confidence in my own body.

Pag first I copied, pasted and emailed to myself your mindfulness tip about doing some things differently each day (to remind me in the morning), then your tale of the Maldives made me cry (must be a bit hormonal at the mo ). Thank you for both of those.

Thanks to all the other posters sharing such sage advice, too. This is a really thought provoking and inspiring thread.

I'm up to page 8 and have decided to order a ridiculous pair of shoes I have wanted for years. I will feel like a mad woman wearing them but II don't care. Am a 45 year old Aspie so I don't fit in anyway!
Right back to page 9. Am loving the advice. My DC are quite young and I do like dh so that's good. I've managed to keep my career going part time and have embarked on a new area that capitalises on my experience.
It doesn't feel like life is over. I have 20 years of work left and the FC's teenage years to come. When my parents were my age I was at uni

I am 32 but loving this thread. I am learning so much. My best piece of advice is to believe inyourself more. You are smarter, more beautiful, and funnier than you think you are. We are all our own worst critic. Don't listen to that negative advice, but talk to yourself as if you were giving advice to your best friend.

That "best friend" advice is a great one Dontunderstand
Simple enough to actually remember which helps with putting it into practice I always find!

Oh god crabby, I'm honoured

agree the best friend advice is fantastic, must remember that one when I'm telling myself I'm virtually unemployable.

ssd - what job would you like to do?

I'm going to keep coming back to this thread, it's amazing! Just turned 40 and very, very happy with my lot, but some days I do wonder what I'm doing with my life in terms of a career as I stopped FT work when kids were born. I work from home now part time. It's flexible, enjoyable and fits in really well with family life, but I can't help wondering if there's more out there for me. Think it might be time to dip my toe back in the water...

Use a high factor sun cream, especially on your decolletage (is that how you spell it?) I can't think of much else, thinks..... Oh I know try shopping at Lidl. I am sure I would have loads more in the bank if I'd found them earlier.

gonk, retail mainly, dont think I'd get anything else now

I don't know how old you are ssd but I have met many people who started second careers in their 40s (nursing, social work, teaching mainly but those are just the circles I moved in). Its hard work-they had to start with access courses in some cases but if you know where your interest is its not impossible.
Instead of thinking what you could do now perhaps start from thinking about what your dream job would be and work backwards. If you woke up tomorrow and could do what you wanted what would it be?

honestly, I dont know

What do you enjoy doing when you have a bit of time on your hands-it might give you a clue?

Maybe you could find the best retail job for you ssd if that's maybe where your experience is, and use the resources from this to explore some other interests too? I'm not working ATM either and considering options. If you're not being your own best friend ATM then let me be for a moment and say I'm sure you're not unemployable. Good luck!