If youre in your 50s and 60s what would you tell your 40 year old self?

[Baconontomato]

Just that really. I'm lacking direction and oomph and wondered will the wisdom of years help! What should I know about my 40s? I'm a SAHM with young children and a v stale marriage.
Does life get better?

Thank you for a lovely thread. There is a lot of food for thought here.

I’m 46 and feeling stuck in a rut too. I love my DCs but feel caught in an endless round of school, homework, housework, cooking, etc. We’re not doing well financially. Marriage just plodding along - not awful but not exciting either.

I feel like I’m waiting for something to happen but I don’t know what. I realize that I’ve got to be the one to make that something happen but don’t have the confidence to take the necessary steps. Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my life.

I've been thinking about this thread all day...I'm 34 with two DC under 4 & I love my time at home & don't regret a minute of our time together but can feel myself sinking into SAHM-dom (your world constricts somehow) & can see how easy it would be to stay here, I've already lost so much confidence professionally, don't exercise as I have no childcare during the day & no energy at night. I control my weight through rigid diet but that can't last. I've found the longer term perspective voiced here so interesting & useful. Inspirational.

Norah that is a really helpful insight for me.

I've Spent hours/weeks/months/years discussing advising/counselling a particular friend and family member, but nothing has ever changed.

I've found myself getting resentful that nothing is listened to, but then feeling bad as I know it's not my problem. Also I spend hours thinking about others probelms and overly invest in them.

I need to step back and stop with the advice, I can't solve things for them, it's not my place.

Sympathise and move on is what I need to do.

I still struggle with the time element of all this advise though.

Socialise/career/travel/spend time with kids/spend time with parents/hobbies/exercise etc all takes up immense amounts of time.

I've discovered about myself that I need to do less and enjoy the simple quiet things and not rush about having 'experiences' in case I miss things. I've spent a lot of time thinking about what's important and prioritsing that.

I identified: my career, my kids, my Dh and my parents, as priorities for my time.

I identified time at home pottering/gardining/reading/organising as things that make me happy, and I've finally after 45 years worked out I need a lot of Down Time (particuarly as I now work full time) and I don't need the social whirl I used to think I needed.

So I'm less involved in interests/community/socilaising and I'm enjoying a quieter calmer life with very clear priorities.

BUT reading this I'm wondering if I should be out there more investing in my friendships and following my interests?

I seem to be doing things the opposite way round to that being advised: When the kids were younger I was out there involved, socilaising and organising, now I'm family focused and cherish my quiet time at home.

This seems right for me now but reading this I'm concerned I'll regret this retreat from the world later on

Another bogged down mid-thirties here...thanks so much ladies for a very inspiring thread

I think mid 30s was hardest for me and I only have one dc and so it wasn't that I had too much to do iygwim I just found it quite tiring and sometimes a bit Is this it? I loved the years ds was at secondary school and now he is at university. I found that hard the first few weeks and i would advise everyone to keep your own life going as I have a lot of friends who have found the empty house thing the hardest of all. I love my life now as it is more me and dp and ds dips in and out and we are very close and its great to all get on so well.It does all flash by and I think you do have to stop and breathe and be grateful even though at times it is hard.

I feel the last ten years have been a total and utter slog for me and dh

my parents getting older and more feeble/needy and passing away and only me to care for them, siblings uninvolved

me taking a downward step more and more job wise due to lack of childcare and very few jobs around

no family support whatsoever with the kids, no impromptu weekends away or date nights

living on a budget that's so tight we squeak

and grieving alone for my mum who I loved with all my heart and miss every day.

Its got to get better.

Barth, it just depends on your personality. I love my own company (never get enough of it) so I would rarely seek out more parties. Someone else might only be happy when they have something on every night.

The key to happiness is to work out what it is that contributes to your own happiness and for things you cannot change learning quiet acceptance.

I heard on the radio earlier an item that says analysing frequency of use of words on line concepts like humility, self sacrifice, morally right course and that kind of thing shows they are much less talked about and instead people are more after how to indulge themselves which I don't think is the route to happiness. Mind you I just said find out what suits you and do it so I suppose we get back to the old chestnut of whether it's selfish to do charitable works because they make you feel good.

Ssd-sometimes our lives go through a very difficult patch, bereavements, money worries, concerns about our kids, redundancy, health problems-and sometimes it all comes at once-then things change and we hit a happier period.
It can happen to different people at different stages of their life.( Some as young as 20s-some in their 60s).
Sunshine might be around the corner for you and I hope it is.
Remember that life is changing all the time-sometimes we have to let go of the old order and accept what comes next.
Remember though that even if you are going through shit the flowers still grow, the sun still shines you can still have a chat with a friend.

The acceptance motto is a cliché but helpful.

"Give me the grace to accept the things I can't change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."

I would say to my 40 year-old self that things are changing all the time so go with the flow. If you see everything as urgent you will become stressed and it will affect you and those around you. Enjoy what you can.

If doing some good to others - say supporting a project with WaterAid - makes you feel good (and why wouldn't it?!) then surely that's a bonus Lotus ?
No need for anyone to feel any angst over it!

I haven't read all of this excellent thread. I'm mid-50s, dc both at uni and I've worked (more than) FT since they were months old in a series of high-powered jobs. I'm the alpha one in the marriage, DH definitely a beta male, but has a busy, stimulating job. Just to set the picture - because everyone's lives and priorities vary.

Things I'm really, really glad I've done:

• Had a stimulating life and worked hard for a well-paid career - I would have hated being a sahm (honestly, honestly, no criticism of sahms, it just wouldn't have suited my personality) - mental stimulation doesn't have to be work-related of course
• Got the best childcare we could afford, and stayed responsive to the children's needs - moved them if we felt childcare wasn't right for them
• Worked hard at being fit and healthy - including mentally healthy (yoga has been brilliant)
• Pumped money into pensions - I have recently developed a disability which makes work difficult, but I can contemplate giving up without financial worries
• Overpaid the mortgage - helps with the above
• Told the dc we love them, every day
• Kept communication channels open with dc through the terrible teens (I thoroughly recommend this book)

-Spent lots of time participating in sport as a family, and on family holidays - cheapo camping holidays were some of the best

• Got a dog
• When our marriage was difficult, had counselling and worked things out - imho it's really easy to think the grass is greener - one of the best questions a counsellor asked was 'ask yourself 'am I up on this deal'? (rather than 'is it perfect'? I suppose).
• Realised that only one person is responsible for my happiness, and I can only change myself and my behaviour/reactions to situations

-Developed a strong social network, which I'm now picking up again that I don't have dc at home.

Things I would change if it had been possible:

• Worked 4 instead of 5 days a week (but it would have meant a substantial drop in salary)
• Not expect to do everything perfectly all the time
• Got even more help around the house
• Taken advice from MN - it wasn't around when my dc were small and I had the MIL from hell (who DH didn't stand up to, we became a lot happier after she passed away).

Oh, and I've also learned not to live with regrets over past mistakes - but to learn from them and move on. Don't always achieve this, but it's a good thing to aim for.

You know this thread does confirm the view I've had since I was a teenager reading feminism books. The women on the thread who have good interesting careers they never gave up are happy and those who gave up work aren't.

Of course, there's no cognitive distortion/confirmation bias there is there, Lotus?

Also even if that were always true Lotus it wouldn't necessarily be simple cause and effect?
Those that were able to maintain a good & interesting & well-paid career may have other things going for them, and receive other benefits from society, that all help with well-being?
That is it may be more complex than it might appear?

The thread has confirmed for me that women who have cleaners and spend least time doing housework are happiest.

No confirmation bias there either. Oh no.

thanks trudgetrudy

sometimes things are just the way they work out, I was born when my parents were a lot older than others for their generation, so I had ds in a pushchair and mum in a wheelchair and apart from dh, no help with either! I'm not an only child but may as well have been.

I hear what lotus is saying and I'd have dearly loved to keep my job I loved when the dc's were small, but couldnt find childcare to cover dh's erratic shifts and so had to walk away from good money and a good team. It broke my heart, but mum and the kids needed me so that was that.

All I'm trying to say is, this thread is great and inspiring and everything, but sometimes we just have to deal with life before we can change things for the better.

I'm in a different place now, mum is gone and the dc's are teens and I'm getting more head-space to figure out what I want....but the bills still need paid and the washing is overflowing...., I dont know the answer..

The thread has confirmed for me that women who have cleaners and spend least time doing housework are happiest.

Can I go along with the confirmation bias on that one. I'm so much happier since we got a cleaner.

I've noticed a lot of unhappy SAHPs in their late forties and early fifties, but a corresponding number of unhappy newly retired career people. The unhappiness just hits later. It's hard when a part of your life which has been very fulfilling and a part of your identity comes to an end, and it can take a while to adjust.

I'm in my 40s so a receiver not a giver of advice on this thread. But if I look at my friends who are a decade older than me, most have been struck by an unforeseen relationship bombshell - bereavement, divorce, mental illness. They were all in nice relationships and had children and had scaled back on work. Their financial vulnerability has been quite shocking. So if going back to work or ramping up work is not an option, make sure you have life insurance and wills.

As others have said keeping self at the forefront is important - not in a,selfish way but because independent well being helps with the giving of self.

Also as Pag said so eloquently, life becomes so much better when one shakes off self consciousness. Honestly just treat your body well and it will be the best it can be and most other people, certainly the ones who matter, don't have the time or inclination to wonder if your legs are hairy or whether your cardigan is Brora or Uniqlo.

If you can find happiness within, it's easier to find it without.

Finally, I was told in my 20s I should learn to compromise. I never did and it might have served me less than well. On the other hand I make decisions quite objectively and sensibly and the older I get, I compromise less and why should I compromise and settle for second best.

Having said all that I don't try to apologise any more because I can have what I want. Not to say I'd not be empathetic and not try to fit in at work, etc. Iyswim.

I regret :

Not getting fit sooner . I don't mean fit to pick my socks off the floor . I mean fit to lift weights or run miles .

Not getting a cleaner sooner

Wasting so much of my life keeping in touch with toxic people because of my own guilt and sense of obligation

Worrying about what other people thought

Staying in a bad relathioship because I thought I'd never meet someone else

Jasper, but I will probably work until I die because I love it and my father virtually did (as a doctor) and my children's other grandfather (grandfather) still works one day a week and turns 90 this year. In other words a life full of work you like so much it is as nice as your hobbies, plus your interests and having a reasonable amount of money relieves worries over money is good.

On the other hand I've always been a happy optimistic risk taker who thinks like is good and will get better and better so the issue is do we make our own luck? R4 had a programme on luck. The pessimists expect bad things to happen to say no point my bothering with X as I'll fail. The optimists have a go. My older daughter won a cruise down the Nile when she was about 10 because she was so sure she'd win top prize in a competition she picked about 100 entry leaflets one after the other from an air port floor. A pessimist would say no point trying, I'm bound not to win.

Interesting stuff ladies!

Well, Lotus, I can check your theory as I bought a lottery ticket on a whim at the garage this morning, the attendant asked me if I wanted one as it was a rollover tonight and I said okay, why not? I never usually buy lottery ticket. I promised to buy him a new car if I won

I don't fancy working till I die, at least not where I currently am, I would like a nice cottage by the sea with a garden to tend; and somewhere I can sit and write a book in between walking on the beach.