If youre in your 50s and 60s what would you tell your 40 year old self?

[Baconontomato]

Just that really. I'm lacking direction and oomph and wondered will the wisdom of years help! What should I know about my 40s? I'm a SAHM with young children and a v stale marriage.
Does life get better?

I think 'regret' is difficult to state categorically, as people do things at the time they think is for the best, but only realise with the benefit of hindsight it wasn't the best way to go. For example, Dh and I had our dc when we were 32/34/36 and now so wished we had them at 25/27/29, so that now in our early 50's we weren't still doing midnight pickups from teenage parties, the stress of GCSEs, A levels etc. I find it tiring! But we would never have had them earlier because we didn't feel ready then.

Part of the reason I love my life so much now is that I'm 100% more confident and comfortable in my own skin. I have a lot of friends, fantastic social life, great kids, besotted with Dh still, a lot to say for myself, a lot to love about myself; but I was a bit mousey and quite shy until I hit my mid 40's when I just blossomed. Weird. I would have loved to be as confident as I am now in my 20's, 30's, that has come with the benefit of aging, and I couldn't have done anything about it at the time. Ageing has given me that confidence and a certain glow.

How do you feel about your Dh now OP? Do you want the relationship to work?

Yay to Pagwatch I wish I'd worried less about what others think. That's very relevant to me.

Pagwatch

How did you get a handle on your anxiety?

And how did you manage to stop caring what others think?

Both of the above cause me problems.

we can never know how things might have panned out had we made different choices

perhaps a far better outcome, or maybe a total clusterfu(k

I'm 45 and have discovered quite a few of the things recommended here in the past few years, in particular:

Rebuidling my career, now working full time and love it.
Cherishing time with my kids and parents.

My issue though is that because I am now doing this, I now have less time for interests/hobbies and less time for friends.

When my kids were younger and I didn't work I was involved in lots of community/interest groups, but my regret is that I wasn't focused enough on them and family time. Their younger years passed me by a bit even though I wasn't even working.

I now choose much more carefully how I spend my time, as I'm more aware it's precious and passing fast.

But I do worry that I'm not investing in friends at the moment.

Do I accept this is the phase of life I'm in? I want to spend time with my teens and my parents and focus on my work.

Will I be able to pick up frienhips again when I'm older. I'm spending my time how I want, but worry I'm neglecting other things especially friends and interests.

Any advice?

at 'clusterfuck'

QuiteLikely
I'm sure they are linked - doubting myself all the time made worrying what others thought of me worse - worrying what others thought made me anxious about my choices. It's a bloody nightmare isn't it.

I'm no where close to being totally over it but I'm better. For me having a great GP helped and he prescribed a low dose of citalopram but he made me promise to walk everyday and cut down on wine and coffee.
(I don't think the coffee made any difference but less wine helped me sleep.)
I got a mindfulness app and did that and I used the breathing techniques every time I got stressed.
I also had an epiphany. I was sitting on a deserted beach in the Maldives and I realised I was worrying about my wrap/cover up. I had a 'what the actual fuck am I doing' moment.
I was compromising, sitting out, being on the outside of this utterly brilliant, once in a lifetime experience because some random fucking stranger might have an opinion on my age or my arse or my life.
So I went and got the snorkelling stuff and DD laughed as I plodded like a chubby clown into the water. She kept squeezing my hand and saying 'this is brilliant mum' and we snorkels around the island. I got out and cried. It had been one of the most beautiful experiences I had ever had and I nearly did not do it.
I promised myself I would remember that and focus on the fact that really, those who love me want me to be present, involved, participating - those who don't love me can fuck right off.

That's really long winded isn't it. But it seems so fucking obvious to me now.
I make myself do things all the time - little things I found difficult, especially asking questions and being prepared to seem like a dick. It's surviving these little moments of anxiety that have made the fear of fear abate.

I bet you are sorry you asked now

50 here - still getting used to that - and with two teenagers
Liking the advice to enjoy the time whilst they are at home and make memories through shared experiences

Considering doing a course towards a different career - I think these years whilst DC are here studying too could be a good time to do this?

Don't feel quite ready to be the one giving advice to you youngsters , but as a PP said, living through some challenging times can leave you coming out the other side wiser & with a better perspective I think - I can just about see the truth in that

One bit of advice to myself and others is if you've enjoyed travelling try to do that again with the DC especially as they get older and more portable!

At any stage of life friendship and connections with others are so worth investing in

Regrets-the times I lost my cool with my kids.Some of the ways I handled difficult situations- "meant well" but got it wrong.

Deferring too much to both my Mum and my DH

Caring at all what other people think instead of going with my own judgement.

Mindfulness is brilliant. It would have helped with all of that. It now helps with enjoying the moment.
I very much relate to what Pagwatch is saying. Wish I'd discovered mindfulness earlier. Recommend it highly.

It is wonderful to be without hormonal swings- look forward to the menopause,it may be a blessing.

Sometimes its our own perspective that makes us miserable.
This morning I had to walk home up a very steep hill as car is in garage. I have a lung disease and could have been pissed off about it. Changed perspective-went very slowly, mindful of birdsong, flowers and breeze. Voila-An enjoyable experience!

Drudge
The mindfulness thing is so helpful isn't it - it just gives me space to stop the anxiety taking over.

My app prompts me during the day. It once went off when I was arguing with DH and DS1 in IKEA about how much they thought they could fit in the boot. We all fell about laughing and I just let them get on with it.

Love this thread, I've just nominated it for Classics.

Love your posts, Pagwatch.

Trust your instinct and learn to say no

Thank you for this thread OP!!! I am just 43 and have been so upset since turning 40 that my life is over!!

My neighbour who is 82 told me that when she looks at me, she thinks back to how she felt old in her 40s and how she now realises that was such a waste

This in particular makes me feel better. I am starting to gain a bit of me back from all-consuming sahm-hood and have got a job and started a hobby - as advised above.

Thank you OP, this thread is EXACTLY what I need. I'm 41, young kids, 20 year relationship in tatters, career in hiatus, suffering symptoms of depression for the first time in my life, getting fatter ... you are the most inspiring bunch of folk and your advice is invaluable to me right now. Actually tearful.

"My neighbour who is 82 told me that when she looks at me, she thinks back to how she felt old in her 40s and how she now realises that was such a waste"

That is so brilliant and true.

My mother is 82 and I see her life shrinking because of things like not being able to walk as far, slightly less efficient memory etc. she's awesome.
I'm taking her away in September on an adventure - nervous wrinklies on tour!

I try and live in the day now when I am doing that and really not looking ahead or back my life is so much easier and happier.I appreciate teh ups adn try to share the downs and keep things in perspective

Keep going dino
Tis a great thread I agree x

One thing I wish I'd realized is that you can't fix someone else. Nor their problems really, they need to do it themselves. Years of worry /discussion/ 'help'/ advice for some family members were an utter waste of emotion and time.
In fact I would say their total reliance on everyone else to advise and sympathise, with whatever the lastest issue was, was doing them no favours at all in the long run. They ask for your attention and advice and you assume giving it will fix them - it never does. Better to sympathise and move on.

Pagwatch your Maldives moment with DD just brought a tear to my eye.

Norah...how very true.
And something I am starting to realise myself.

This thread has been so insightful and I thank everybody who has contributed for such wonderful advice. I'm 44 and have been trapped in an abusive relationship for a long time. I got wise a few years ago and have studied for an MBA, got fit and healthy and am now trying to LTB [visa issues]. You've really given me perspective that I haven't lost the last 20 years of my life, but that I should continue and plan for the next 30 - and most importantly to cherish every second I have left with DD

I became a mother at 41. It was totally unexpected. At 56 I am now the parent of a teenage daughter and not always enjoying the roller coaster ride that goes with it.

Sympathies BunBaker , I have two teenage daughters and it ain't pretty at times.......definitely finding this a very hard stage of parenting - and I'm in my mid-forties

What a great thread - I'm 42 and we're about to make a huge change in our lives. None of us are particularly happy and haven't been for a while. Oldest has medical issues and youngest anxiety and DH has basically said he can't guarantee doing this for the next two years. Kids are at a crossroads at school where we can leave and return to our home country now. So we are. We haven't told them yet till we get some t's crossed but I'm not dreading it as it seems to be the best all round. Youngest has wanted to leave for ages. It scary as we've lived abroad for twenty years. I don't want to be 60 and regret not doing this and yet there's always the fact that I don't want to be 60 and regret doing it. I'm scared but excited.

Sadly I am at the age (42) that a lot of my extended family is ill/dying
Have lost 10 family members in the last 2 years inc my dad.
It's been pretty horrendous tbh.
Kids getting older but large age gap so I have one who still needs lots of input (6)
Dh and I rarely have time for each other. Money is very tight. (Moved into a money pit of a house 3 years ago)
I am very tired.
I just feel like...is this it? Is this as good as it gets?
:(

Thank you so much for this thread, it couldn't have come at a better time for me .