If youre in your 50s and 60s what would you tell your 40 year old self?

[Baconontomato]

Just that really. I'm lacking direction and oomph and wondered will the wisdom of years help! What should I know about my 40s? I'm a SAHM with young children and a v stale marriage.
Does life get better?

I would have told myself that age really is a number.
Being 40 is quite liberating as you really do stop caring less about others opinions of you
Listen to your body and research the whole of the menopause especially peri menopause so that when the GP starts talking to you you are well informed
Forget fashion for the 40s wear your own style
At long last appreciate that less is more really does apply to make up
Waiting another 10 years does not miraculously mend a broken marriage
Enjoy your elderly relatives and appreciate them whilst they are here or are cognisant enough to know you
Dance more, laugh more, worry less!

What a great idea for a thread! Thank you so much to everyone who has contributed. I've just turned 40 and and am feeling exhausted after almost 9 years of sleep deprivation, and de skilled after years as a SAHP (and have become alarmingly fat).

But I've been gradually starting to do stuff for myself again, so it's good to know I'm on the right track. I'll be sending off some emails next week to find out more about a possible new career, have joined a political party and have started going to dance classes. Tome to cut down on alcohol (monthly rather than weekly treat from now on) and order a shred dvd.

You do not need a man to have a good life. You do not need to have sex to feel good.

Don't let the weight creep on - as you age it is not only about slimness but about minimising wear and tear on your body - in my case, knees and feet (plantar faciitis (sp)). Replace worn shoes - they can damage the soles of your feet without you noticing. If you have a (temporary) bad leg, try not to favour it - this will distribute the weight carried by the skeleton in such a way as to make it worse.

I am 62, finally losing weight, body still heals but more slowly, so both attacks of plantar thingie cleared up, but it took a whole year each time.

Agree about sorting the marriage or LTB - spent most of the time since 40 trying to revive dying marriage. Kids now grown, me now divorced, and after feeling a bit sad that I would never have a loving grown up relationship, I was proved wrong :)

Thank you for this thread, great idea!

I'm 41 and although I'm loving my precious time with our young DC's, I find I can't look to the future as it all looks so bleak to me - DH is a lot older than me and has already turned into 'that old man', we struggle financially and I can only see that getting worse as i can see me shouldering it all in the future due to older DH, relationship with my sisters is awful and I fear I won't hear from them when our Dad goes..... I depress myself just writing a few of my concerns down!

But this thread has helped immensely - helped me to see there is plenty of life ahead and that I mustn't 'give up' and feel my bed is made. Quite the opposite. Thank you for your inspiring words xx

I would tell myself life was about to get really interesting, in a good way.

Keep your own identity and your own money. Be yourself, appreciate yourself.

If something isn't working for you, walk away, don't leave it too long. Find a way out before it is too late.

The career thing applies to me - I have a good job, can work flexibly with DC, colleagues I like to work with (some not so much) - but it was a job I fell into rather than chose for a number of reasons.

I am not yet ready to move as I am exploring avenues within my current position to shift direction, but I am wondering in a busy life (and divesting lots of baggage from the past; current financial responsibilities) how do you actually make a wholesale change? I am thinking more to find some kind of role between what I do now and what I would have liked to do and still believe in. Not sure yet what that is; but I am at the stage where the question won't go away.

Brilliant thread, thanks to those who have given advice

Try exercise before tablets for aching joints, squats especially. I was faced with possible HRT last autumn for my symptoms. Six months of regular stretching, weights and walking and I can do everyday things again like put my socks on and walk without waddling. It's like being young again.

Make sure you get a Lasting Power of Attorney on your parents. Dad has Parkinson's and Lewy Body Dementia and my Mum as his carer insisted that she was very fit and we didn't need to sort POA yet. 4 weeks before she died she was diagnosed with cancer and we were left to sort a nursing home for Dad, sell his house to pay for it and set up a Court of Protection as his deputies so that we could look after his financial affairs. The COP costs £1200 to set up and about £300 per year to administer. Unlike a POA you need to produce detailed accounts of how you manage the money. A POA means you can manage your parent's money straight away.

Please look into this and if your parents are resistant in any way, get them to think about the scenario for you without a POA. Without one it's expensive, time consuming and above all emotionally draining. (even if the people we dealt with over the last year were all extremely helpful). It took 6 months to come through and in that time we weren't able to access Dad's bank account to pay his care home fees. I'm sure if my Mum knew what we have been through she would be gutted. Make sure there is a plan.

Don't dread turning 50. I spent my mid - late 40s fearing it, was absolutely traumatised when it happened and now, two years later think "what's all the fuss about?!"

Do not read the daily mail.

Floss

LTB now!!! Don't waste any more time.

Really useful thread. I turn 40 soon and know I need to make changes, lots to think about!

Love the "don't read the daily mail" advice

It's true as well, it is hate filled and makes you feel bad!

I'm now 60, had a major career change around 40 which was tough to do with small dc but totally worth it. Make sure that if your dh went under a bus/ran off with the neighbour - or you left him - that you are able to support yourself. Don't stay because you feel you gave no other options, stay because you choose to stay, don't remain financially vulnerable.

Having said that, I apparently got so kick ass independent in my 50s that my dh had to find a more 'wounded bird' type OW, now dw,to adore him while he tried to fix her . His loss she's a bunny boiler

Hitting 60 is goving me the impetus to make more changes - am hoping to retire early from rewarding but stressful job and pursue other interests - I'm very excited about the next 20 yrs. will have to downsize sooner than I wanted but I intend to get more politically active again, and work for socially worthwhile causes. I haven't been on a good demo for years, I want to change that!

I'm 51. And loving my life.

A few random thoughts:- the only negative about hitting 50 is thy at I was suddenly aware that my decades were running out. Possibly just another 2 of hopefully excellent health, but who knows. So I would have tried to make more of my 40's, although with young children that can be hard as they are all absorbing.

Be on the look out for new interests and hobbies. I haven't exercised since school and I have recently taken up running. I love it. I've always viewed gardening as nothing better than outside housework, but recently have discovered I love that too. If I had been told I would be spending huge chunks of my day gardening and running at 30, - or even 48! - I'd have laughed in your face and been incredulous. So be prepared to have a total change of heart over anything, really, and embrace things if you do find yourself doing things that were previously alien to you.

The menopause has been a doddle. I realise that it isn't for everyone, but for me it has been fine. Rarely had to think about it. Stopping periods is wonderful.

When you are in the middle of a stressful time with toddlers/babies/Young children, it is worth it. Those days do stop, although you don't believe they well, and you get teenagers who are decent people and good company at the end of it. Obviously it isn't all easy, but I'm enjoying my dc far more now than I did when I was bogged down in those never ending early years.

Try and save for a rainy day if you can. Not at the expense of family experiences though.

I'm feeling a bit more creaky, but 100% enjoying life. Don't fear getting older.

Like others I really needed this thread, thank you.
I have recently been diagnosed with a disease which has shaken me up and changed my appearance for the worse. I am 39 with still so much to live for and I need to remember that!

This thread is good, but its leaving me feeling but but but.......

how do we LTB when we cant afford to live without him?

how can we change career into something wonderful and challenging and be financially independent when the only jobs available are part time and low waged and usually temporary?

look after your elderly parents - this nearly broke me, doing it alone with no help from siblings at all, for years and years

the exercise thing I will take on board, though, definitely

I look at my sister, when she was my age there were jobs galore, great rates on savings, houses were so cheap, kids had free uni, and she had parents to do all the childcare for free

everything has changed now

how do we 40 somethings deal with the world as it is now?

I am 53.

Mine are

Try not to slip into drinking every night. It's really habit forming and people joke about wine o'clock etc but when menopause starts it fucks with your sleep and makes you fat.
I enjoy wine enormously. Just not every night . I cut down, excercised and sailed through the menopause - no hrt, no meds - piece of cake!

Parent your children but don't think that you have the power or the responsibility for their futures. Try and watch your teenagers become adults. Don't think you can control who they are, what they want to be.
I have watched parents browbeat their children whilst micromanaging their lives - pushing them into careers they see as good, tidying their rooms, leaping into stop 'mistakes'
Leave them be a bit. My son chose his own uni, his courses and is starting a career he loves. I have loved watching him do that. If I'd been trying to control his choices I would have been stressed and he would have been unhappy.

Spot your engrained habits and try and change them. The oldest of my peers all have started reinforcing habits, closing down their choices. It's easy to slip into.

Leave a relationship that isn't working, if you can. Investigate how much money you would have coming in-tax credits, child benefit etc. If you can't leave then live a different life within that relationship. Get out, go for drinks with friends, go to a class, have your own space if possible. Stop pretending to everyone that it's all hunky dory.

Love and enjoy your children. Yes, they will drive you to the edge of insanity but it does get a lot easier as they get older. Keep bits and pieces-clothing, toys, anything that you feel is important to look back on and help you remember those lovely baby and toddler years. Honestly you will miss them.

Work at friendships.

You stop concentrating on what might have been and focus on what is. nothing is guaranteed to make you feel miserable than envy however justified. So the big things are out of reach- join a group you're interested in. get more exercise. Both cheap if not free and both will make u feel better. The better u feel the more opportunities you'll see even if they're not big things.

I'm old and I would say to my 40 year old self -

• do stretching exercises every morning to keep supple. In fact do any exercise you can manage, running, swimming, gym, whatever. Getting into a routine of some sort of exercise will pay you back by the spadeful when you reach late 50's/60

• don't worry about the menopause or fixate about it. For some it's really not that bad and to be free of periods is so liberating.

• relish the kids. You really will miss them when they're gone. Once the last of mine went off, I started a second job because it was so quiet at home!

• look to conquer a fear. I don't want to out myself but I did something that I thought I could never do and it opened a whole new interest in my life that has brought me such pleasure. The older you get the more daring you become

• be philosophical about friendships ending. From 40-60 life changes dramatically for some and you can't hang on to every friendship. Divorces happen, people move etc. Just hang on and nurture the friendships you do have, they are so important once it's just you and your DP.

ssd, that's sad. I feel I'm reaping the rewards of the past but then I've been lucky to have good health and to earn reasonable amounts and still do (working today for that matter but quite happily and at home with 3 of the children here)

I agree with this "You stop concentrating on what might have been and focus on what is. nothing is guaranteed to make you feel miserable than envy however justified".

All we can have is what is now. What we might have done in the past is past, no point thinking about it. Loads of women in their 50s are perfectly happy without my kind of career or life. Just because I like my career doesn't mean everyone needs that for happiness. I think 50+ can be about quiet acceptance and learning what makes you happy (which is good food, exercise, sleep, sunshine and does not correlate to how much money is in the bank which is just as well as I just paid the first instalment to have the house repainted, very boring expensive job).

To women in their late 30s I'd say make sure that you are as healthy as possible as you approach menopause, also try and eliminate sources of stress from your life.
I think that if you are not burdened with physical and mental stress the transition will be much easier, I also suspect that it will set the tone for the next section of your life ?

ssd, I do agree that things have changed, even in the last ten years. But I also think there is always the opportunity to change things, even if the steps you take are tiny.

I don't think my post is sad, I think its realistic.

Of course, we're all coming at this from a different point of view, but I find the "carpe diem" attitude is great if you have money behind you and family support

its a slog otherwise.