If youre in your 50s and 60s what would you tell your 40 year old self?

[Baconontomato]

Just that really. I'm lacking direction and oomph and wondered will the wisdom of years help! What should I know about my 40s? I'm a SAHM with young children and a v stale marriage.
Does life get better?

It was very hard for my grandmother who took herself off to India in the 1920s to be a domestic servant, came back, widowed with a tiny baby within a year of marriage and had to work. Ended up dying in Sunderland lunatic asylum when she was 69. Life is not always easy for people.

Mind you women who aren't married have better mental health than those who are yet men who are married (and have a slave wife at home to serve them I suppose) are happier married than unmarried so perhaps my best advice is be single in your 40s and 50s - it's wonderful.

ssd, I have no family support and I work full time. My house is too small, my DC have the bedrooms and I didn't have a bed for over the year. I have a job I enjoy, I work full time, yes of course it is hard work. But is it harder than my marriage? No, absolutely not. Would I go back to my marriage? No.

I can't afford a decorator right now - like everything else, it gets done bit by bit. Ditto the garden. You don't need to change your life wholesale overnight if you are not happy, but you can change little bits at a time. Doing the little things might give you the confidence to believe that the bigger things may be within your grasp, whatever they are.

ssd, I'm sorry you're in a jam and please don't take offence at this - but are you sure you can't afford to live without your partner? I do come across people who say this when they mean that life will be a lot different, but it may not be impossible. Financial sacrifices are always going to be a better choice than staying with someone awful. (I appreciate "can't" might mean "literally can't" though).

New hobbies !
In my 40's I took up triathlon and I didn't even know what that was in my thirties. This morning I was sprint cycling with some young guys from the triathlon club - they must see me as the old lady but I don't care!

Try to keep fit !
Also learn to play bridge so you have a hobby to grow into.

Oh god, I didnt mean me leaving dh! I meant that in answer to the posts saying LTB, I was pointing out for a lot of women in their 40's with crappy job prospects this isnt always possible.

I'm lucky with dh, I know that.

But I like the little bits at a time advice from romeyroo, that makes sense.

ssd-sometimes it can really be difficult to change the big things, even a job that you enjoy comes with its stresses.
Everyone has some health or relationship problems in their lives, some more than others.
What I would say is to deliberately put some small pleasures into your life.
Have a coffee and chat with friends, read a good book, watch a good film, walk in the countryside and notice the seasons. This all gets easier as you have more free time once your children are older.
Try not to be in a rush and notice things around you.
Even if you are looking after an ill person are in a less than perfect relationship, not enjoying your job etc it will shift the balance a bit.

If things are really bad you are better off poor than miserable.

In many ways being 60 is much easier than being 40.

Another thing I'd tell myself is that even though things may be seemingly endlessly and unremittingly grim, that things change. I had 6 years where my life read like the script of some ridiculous soap opera. If I'd started a thread about it on MN, I'd be reported as a troll, I'm sure. You really couldn't make it up. For about years I was constantly fire-fighting one dreadful/horrific thing after another. I couldn't see the tunnel, let alone any light at the end of the sodding thing.

If someone had told me I'd come out the other end and be happier (albeit living a life others might well consider crap) then I'd ever been, I'd have refused to believe it was possible. Bad times don't stay bad forever just as good times don't stay good forever.

I love this thread so much. Thank you all.

I am actually a pretty happy 40-somethng, did a lot of hard stuff in my 30s to get here. One hankering I have is to do something really challenging educationally and I'm scared. I'm tossing up between getting an IT degree or engineering. This thread is inspiring me to seriously think about that. Thank you all SO MUCH.

I just turned 50

So glad I gave up dusting years ago.
Live for today.
Stay fit
Stay lean
Remember to laugh.
Spend as much stupid time with your kids (and if you get on with them, your parents) as you can.
And its never too late to make new friends.

The dusting thing: takes me 5 mins a week, hardly worth skipping it

Am I doing it wrong

baby
depends what sort of a house you have .... if I was to keep it dust free I'd not have time for yoga

Some of this advice is so lovely it's made me tear up! Great thread

55 here, had dd at 42 after full-on life. I'd say:
sod the casual, going-nowhere jobs and do something you enjoy/are good at.
watch your weight/invest in yourself.
enjoy the time with the kids-they grow up fast.
make new friends, get new hobbies, expand your horizons.

46 and starting to turn my life around (2 now teenage boys):

• just got back into career after 10 years and LOVING it
• revitalising my health, Pilates and core strength

Next:

• sort out my relationship with dad
• work on my friendships
• get me back

I intend to be in a different place on my 50th bday.

I've got that stupid song These Are The Days..stuck in my head..

Just turned fifty and want this decade to be best for me. My weight was up alarmingly, low energy, unhappy about appearance. I just decided I would do something, anything! My friend recommend MYFITNESSPAL, I began working out. The changes came about slowly but they did come. I have been coping with hotflushes by taking Black Cohosh.

Time does seem to speed up..LOOK! it's already gone May now..Just a few minutes ago it seems my little boy was playing Pokemon..He graduates from high school in four days..It really is precious and fleeting. Take the time to watch the sunset or rise, marvel at the full moon, stay up all night reading a good book, laugh with an old friend until you wet your pants...

Oh, ssd, I am glad all good with you and your DH! You sounded so defeatist about any alternatives to a miserable marriage . I agree that LTB is sometimes unrealistic advice, but seeing that other women can and do survive post-LTB is really valuable in knowing that option is possible.

Nonetheless, you raise interesting points about the impact of the gender pay gap and welfare cuts shoring up the traditional family, even when such a family is dysfunctional.

Yes, I am definitely bit by bit woman! There are so many hours in the day and spending some of them meaningfully is very important

Great thread. I am 46 and have a great career and two lovely DCs but I'm a single parent so I recognise the thing about investing in yourself/your looks/your health. I dedicate my whole life to working and the DCs and there is no time for me. I get through the days and that's it.

I've already started carving out time for fitness and think I need to upgrade hair and makeup too.

Thank you so much for this thread - some amazing advice and insights on here.

I am 41 and happy with my lot. Things have gotten markedly easier even in the last year or so (DC are 6 and nearly 5), so it's looking good. Life can turn on a dime for sure, but this thread is amazingly positive.

Great thread. I have just turned 40 so v good timing for me.

I do agree with ssd though- much easier to LTB/ get a great new career/ get rid of stresses, etc if you have plenty of money/ family support/ no need to pursue a stressful career in order to support a family.

Still, even without the advantages of money and support, you can still make little changes and try to have a positive mental attitude towards life, getting older, etc.

Lovely thread.

I'm feeling a bit overweight and bored with myself. I'm 46 and not working at the moment. DC about to fly the nest. I need a kick up the backside to restart my life.

Also please tell us about the habits you see your 50s and 60s friends fall into that are comfy and easy but ultimately bad.

I always wonder how you know which of your habits and little obsessions are going to turn out to define you in a bad way when you are much older. My mum's is talking about her health all the time and my stepmother's is being excessively rigid and increasingly unable to do anything even remotely unplanned-for. They are in their 60s and 70s. Which habits are going to dominate us when we are much older?

I suspect we turn out to how we always have been when we are old as when we are young - so some will be life and soul of the party out with others all the time and others who loke their own company will go in for that, not that I ever get the chance to be on my own as house full of children always.

I suspect my parents might have been healthier had they taken more exercise even just more of a walk or getting out of breath. I would ilke to work until I die if I can as I love it and my father worked until 2 years before he died and my children's other grandfather is 90 this year and still works one day a week - I think those are great examples. However some people sadly don't like their work so it will be a different story for them. My father put all spare money into pensions and died within 2 years of drawing them at 75 so although wise to be on the safe side not great financial planning perhaps as it turned out.

Preminstrel, I've noticed a few of my friends getting into the habit of constantly whinging. It becomes a habit after a bit i'm sure. It gets so easy to moan about the every crap we all face and we all need to whinge at times, but when it becomes someone's default setting, it's bloody tiresome.

The other thing I've noticed is a few talking about grown up kids/grandkids etc, to the exclusion of a lot of other things in life. Family are important, but you need interests and an identity other than them, especially when they have their own lives.

Most of my older friends are amazing role-models - open to new experiences, ideas, open-minded and with lots of interests. They help me to keep on moving forward and not to live in the past and be drawing on past experiences and memories all the time.

Agree with the talking about health. All my friends have various health issues - a lot of them pretty serious. Not uncommon as you get older. We do talk about them and ask each other how we're doing (and care how each other are doing and look after each other), but try not to let it become a mainstay of conversations when we're together (unless someone is having a really bad time and needs to talk about it).

Also please tell us about the habits you see your 50s and 60s friends fall into that are comfy and easy but ultimately bad.

None! They're too busy with work, re-training, changing careers, planning early retirement so they can travel, volunteer, follow their dreams.

I'm 52 and just got a job in the career I've always wanted after 10 years as a SAHM. Planning to get some experience and then become self-employed. Enjoying DD growing up, trying to get more exercise, planning lots of lovely trips but most of all trying to live in the moment and savour the day. Because, without getting all philosophical, we only really have today. A 20 year old might only have a couple of years left to live, whilst a 50 year old might have another 20 or more.

Also please tell us about the habits you see your 50s and 60s friends fall into that are comfy and easy but ultimately bad

I know a few people my age who talk resignedly about when they will develop severe arthritis/ get dementia / need to downsize as they won't be able to manage the garden (get a gardener - it's really only the lawn!).

This annoys me. There is clear health advice now about keeping fit, there is no guarantee you will inherit your DPs ailments. Their attitude pretty much guarantees they will 'go the same way' when, even if they do, there's no harm in keeping positive and making the most of your time left!