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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think people shouldn't assume I'm a teen parent?

56 replies

herdwicksheep · 22/05/2015 20:33

I'm 23 with a 10 month old DS. I have an incredibly young looking face and people often think I'm around 15. I struggle with people knocking on my door and asking if my Mum and Dad are home, most recently I got asked for ID to pick up medication for my dog from the vet .

Since DS was born (and throughout pregnancy) I have endured endless dirty looks and comments about being a "teen parent". I find it incredibly hard to make friends with other Mums because I look so young and I feel like I am being judged.

AIBU to expect people to not be so judgemental? I really feel for the genuine teen parents out there...

OP posts:

Inlawsandoutlaws · 22/05/2015 20:37

I know how you feel! I'm 22 with a 22 month old DD. I was 19 when I fell pregnant but 20 when I gave birth, I still get ID'd for lottery tickets!!

People are bloody horrible and should learn to never judge a book by its cover!! Love your user name! We have Herdwicks shitwicks on our farm hehe!

fairgame · 22/05/2015 20:37

YANBU. I've been on the receiving end of this as well and its not nice. People have asked me if DS is my brother
It also affects me at work, whenever i go on training days people assume im much younger than i look and am shocked when i tell them what i do. I worker harder to gain the same respect which seems to be freely given to others who are the same age as me.

Fatmomma99 · 22/05/2015 20:40

Give it time, ladies. There will come a day when you're thrilled to look younger than you are. Trust me (winks old and wrinkled eye).

Agree terrible way to treat people, though.

BitchPeas · 22/05/2015 20:40

I had DS at 18, looked 12 with no make up on. Being 5ft didn't help. He's now nearly 8. The dirty looks and comments don't stop! The mums in the playground have only just started talking to me in the last 6 months!

Blazing88 · 22/05/2015 20:42

You'll love it when you're my age though.

At 24, I was getting hassle. I was a Store Manager for a very well known/respectable retailer. You can imagine some of the backlash when complaining customers asked to speak to the manager.

Fast forward 16 or so years...

I look 28 ish. It's great

Seriously. Just think of the perks in years to come

(although yes, you're right, people are bloody judgemental! Just ignore them!)

WingsofNylon · 22/05/2015 20:43

It's horrid that people are judging you and im sorry you are struggling to make mum friends. Really shocked that people hold on to their initial judgments. You shouldn't habe to but I suppose if it's playgroups youd lkme to make friends at you could aim to dress in a way that plays up your 'older' features? It would massively annoy me too. Im 29 but often get mistaken for much youger and have noticed odd looks when im out with my friends baby. Hope you find some nicer people to be around.

trollkonor · 22/05/2015 20:44

If you look much younger then they anbu to assume you are a teen parent, they abu to judge and treat you badly if you were or not.

Ive always looked younger than my age too, at 30 I got comments about how hard it must be to be such a young mum. I used to find it hard to be taken seriously at work becuase people assumed that I was up myself, or too serious, rather than I had 10 years experience.

OrionsAccessory · 22/05/2015 20:46

I was pregnant with my eldest when I was 21, dh didn't believe I was getting dirty looks until we were in asda one weekend when I was heavily pregnant. It was the first time he noticed the looks and he was shocked! I didn't find it too difficult making friends at toddler groups etc but you can tell when people are dying to ask how old you are!

I'm 29 and pregnant with dc3 now... it's not so much of an issue anymore

BeansInBoots · 22/05/2015 20:46

I have exactly the same issue, in fact- I got id'd in Tesco today buying charcoal and asked the man how old he though I was..... 16.

I'm 23 with 2 dc!

It's very annoying. I do have a great friendship group of baby friends who range from 23-52 though, which makes a massive difference

VelvetRose · 22/05/2015 21:12

It makes me absolutely livid that people are rude to women because they think they are young mums as if that is reason to look down on someone! I'm so sorry you have that experience!

Looking young in general though...lucky you!!

AuntyMag10 · 22/05/2015 21:14

If you do look 15 with a child of your own you can't be surprised by reactions to that.

CarryOnCramping · 22/05/2015 21:19

I'm 19 with 2 DC. Was 16 when I had DS1 and I don't think I should have expected judgement, dirty looks or rude comments actually AuntyMag

I was a great mum then and I'm a great mum now. The circumstances I got pregnant in (the first time) was not at all my fault but even if it was - who the hell is anyone else to comment and make me feel bad about it? What is a young parent meant to do with that? Send the baby back?

TheresACatInMeKitchen · 22/05/2015 21:22

I used to get asked for id all the time right up till my early 30's. If I went out with my mum with the dc's people would assume she was their mum (she also doesn't look her 62 years) and I was thier sister.I once had a drunk guy argue that I shouldn't be in the pub as I wasn't old enough to drink and tried to get me thrown out, I was 25.
I also did get asked to leave a nightclub despite being with my 8 years older dh but also much younger friend as I was told I was underage, I didn't have my id and there was no point in arguing, I was 31!

I'm 40 now and age is catching up with me, people tell me I don't look it but im not sure I believe them!!!

AuntyMag10 · 22/05/2015 21:23

I didn't mean dirty looks CarryOn.
I said reactions, which could also be surprise. A 16yo to me is still a child, a child having a child. I'm sorry but I would have a reaction.

DoJo · 22/05/2015 21:24

I think it's incredibly harsh to treat someone poorly because you think they're a teen mum, whether they are or not! I would imagine that real teenage parents are amongst the most vulnerable out there and are probably the keenest to make other 'mum' friends if their former peer groups are still at school, so ostracising them for what you perceive to be their failings is particularly cruel.

BeautifulLiar · 22/05/2015 21:27

I like it, I won't look young forever.

Mandatorymongoose · 22/05/2015 21:28

Why can't you be suprised by reactions to that?

I was 15 with a child of my own - that didn't give people, especially not adults who should surely know better the right to be rude to me.

Judging people you know nothing about aside from they look quite young and have a child with them is pretty pathetic.

Inlawsandoutlaws · 22/05/2015 21:30

mandatorymongoose I take my hat off to you!

Teacuptravells · 22/05/2015 21:33

Move near me! I had my first at 30 and feel positively old at the school gates. Most of my friends here had children at 19/20. I think its younger than I'd like but there's lots going for it.

Areas are so very different. I'd quite like more peers "like me" as I often feel the odd one out!

VelvetRose · 22/05/2015 21:33

Even if they are very young and pregnant dirty looks are extremely unpleasant and unecessary. I know some people who had babies very young and coped better than I did at 32!

ProudAS · 22/05/2015 21:40

No need to give young women with babies dirty looks! They may have taken the hard decision to keep the baby after being raped at 14 or might not even be the child's mother.

Friend of DM has a DD who is 31 and people assume she's still at school.

Don't judge - you can't tell a teen mum purely by looking at them and they don't automatically deserve dirty looks anyway.

SoonToBeSix · 22/05/2015 21:57

I have seven dc ages 16 10 4 2 14 months twins and 2 months. My 16 year old has had three years of dirty looks, mutterings and has been ushered in for a scan twice whilst at hospital with me.

SoonToBeSix · 22/05/2015 21:58

Op yanbu

VelvetRose · 22/05/2015 22:01

Bloody hell Soontobe....what's wrong with people!!! It's so nasty!

CalamitouslyWrong · 22/05/2015 22:13

People should just stop being judgemental arseholes. There's nothing inherently wrong with looking 15 and having a baby. Why should anyone have to put up with dirty looks and whispered comments?

I had DS1 at 19. I looked 14/15. People were arses. The women sharing the hospital ward with me kept giving me looks and whispering to each other. Eventually they asked how old I was. I smiled and said '15' because frankly there's no way I was justifying myself to them. They recommended their whispering, but still asked me repeatedly to look after their tiny newborn infants while they went out for a fag (which says a lot about their priorities, since they'd made it very clear they disapproved of me).

I've never really cared. Now DS1 is nearly 15 and people just don't believe I can have a child that old. Partly that's because I don't fit their stereotype of a (previously) teenage mum. I don't care.

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