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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think people shouldn't assume I'm a teen parent?

56 replies

herdwicksheep · 22/05/2015 20:33

I'm 23 with a 10 month old DS. I have an incredibly young looking face and people often think I'm around 15. I struggle with people knocking on my door and asking if my Mum and Dad are home, most recently I got asked for ID to pick up medication for my dog from the vet .

Since DS was born (and throughout pregnancy) I have endured endless dirty looks and comments about being a "teen parent". I find it incredibly hard to make friends with other Mums because I look so young and I feel like I am being judged.

AIBU to expect people to not be so judgemental? I really feel for the genuine teen parents out there...

OP posts:

SoonToBeSix · 22/05/2015 23:34

It is nasty Violet and hurtful because my dd is lovely , adores her siblings and enjoys taking them out on her own to the park etc ( not all at once and not the 2 month old). Even if she was a 16 year old mum , frankly it's nobodies business.
I was 20 when I had my oldest dd , I looked 15 , and people were judgy and rude. At least now I am 37 , I look no older than 30.

MyNameIsPinkiePie · 22/05/2015 23:57

I get annoyed at this, I get lots of puzzled looks and have been asked if I'm my DDs' sister - most recently I was almost 32, DD1 was four - they thought I was 18. She was nice about it at least. I do struggle with fitting in with other mums and did feel it was an issue in the workplace. I don't like being thought of as being so young but it angers me more that genuinely young mums could be so judged so harshly. I would probably not have had a baby as a teen, I wanted uni, travel and a career (not that I am in one now) so wouldn't have continued a pregnancy, but if I had had a baby young I don't think I'd have been a worse parent than doing it later. It's awful that older sisters etc get judged too, what a shame for her.

hamiltoes · 23/05/2015 00:08

As a teen parent myself (17 when pregnant with my first) YARNBU!!

I had a bout of d&v which messed with my pill, had my wonderful DD, and went back to my apprenticeship when she was 5 months old so I didn't miss my exams.

It got to the point where I hated taking a day/ week off work with her as I'd get odd looks, tutts, people making quite horrible remarks. The most hurtful was the ones who thought I'd got myself pregnant to get a council flat and live off benefits.

Theres nothing at all wrong with being a single a mum on benefits in a council house. What hurt was that it was purely because of my age that I was judged in this way. Just letting you know I feel your pain OP. Shes 4 now and I look much older (probably due to the stress and sleepless nights ) I can't remember the last time anyone looked at me sideways or tutted. I think it's definitely a pram thing for sure. People don't like teenagers with prams, at all!

The5DayChicken · 23/05/2015 00:14

It's not so bad that people are assuming you're a teen mum, but it's bloody disgusting that you're treated badly because of it. There's no justification for making motherhood harder for someone else due to snap judgements.

Arsenic · 23/05/2015 00:40

It's a pain in the arse and it doesn't get better, but at least when people say it out loud you can politely correct them. It's much worse when you just see the 'look'.

Mermaidhair · 23/05/2015 01:38

I had my first baby at 18, she is now the same age. I was never ever treated badly, differently, or given dirty looks. Try not to worry about it. Just continue being a good mum. I am now 37 and people are amazed that I have a 10 year old!, then I tell them that my eldest is 18. I love that I look younger, people think my daughter and I are sisters Enjoy it op.

massi71 · 23/05/2015 04:04

I'm 40. Had my oldest DD at 20.

The age gap now is awesome. I have an insane bundle of energy still. She grins when we get called sisters now. Our relationship whilst parent and child is on a more fun basis too. She actively seeks my opinion on things that are seen as "young interests". We share clothes.

Comparing with my own mother who had me at 43. Im now her carer. Shes dependent on me for everyting. And yes it was her decision to have me late in life but the impact on me and my family has been vast.

Atenco · 23/05/2015 06:13

I'm shocked at the treatment you young mothers are getting, that is totally horrible. I'm a grandmother and schoolfriend of mine was only sixteen years younger than her mother and they had a brilliant relationship so I have always admired young mothers.

Athrawes · 23/05/2015 06:24

There is no need for dirty judgemental looks. If anything I might give you an admiring look for managing so well. I have the flip side, the opposite end of the fertility spectrum and am a wee bit upset when they think I am DS granny.

Athrawes · 23/05/2015 06:26

As a result of in doubt I tend to assume that granny is mum. Hopefully resulting in some happy grannies.

mysteryfairy · 23/05/2015 06:31

I was told off by the midwife when in labour with DS1 for being a school girl mum. I was 24 and had in fact recently finished in a school as I was a (newly qualified) teacher. It still annoys me now to think she would pick on an actual school girl mum when they were at their most vulnerable and I wish I had complained.

Kittymum03 · 23/05/2015 06:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

yorkshapudding · 23/05/2015 06:53

I'm 32 and I still get this. Everyone says I should consider myself lucky, take it as a compliment etc but it does get annoying after a while.

BlinkingHeck · 23/05/2015 07:01

I look young still get ID checked at 36!
when I had my first I remember getting funny looks in the Drs waiting for my appointments. I was 26! You could actually see them looking for a wedding ring. I loved it when the board beeped and flashed my name up Mrs. Heck.

RubieWoo · 23/05/2015 09:50

I'm 23 next week and 10 weeks pregnant. I hope people don't treat me differently, like abuse me in public because I'm going to be a ''young'' mum. I still get mistaken for a 16 year old at times.

PtolemysNeedle · 23/05/2015 09:51

I relate to this, I was a young looking 21 year old when I had my first. I didn't mind it so much when they were babies, but when I started looking round schools and felt judgement from head teachers showing us round, it upset me. But it also made the which school decision easier.

Now that I have a 15 year old, I quite enjoy people telling me I look too young to have a child of that age, so it gets better.

MrsCs · 23/05/2015 10:00

I was out shopping with my sister when I was twenty and she was four once. An old woman tutted and made a teen mum comment, it was quite funny because my outraged sister informed her that she was my sister and that she was a very rude lady who needed to say sorry. Quite amusing watching a grown woman being shamed into apologising.

NRomanoff · 23/05/2015 10:06

Yanbu. But some people are arseholes. You can't change that but you can change how you react to it.

I worked with dbro. I am married and so many people assumed we had different surnames because we MUST have different dads. I used to laugh that was their first thought about us being related.

I had dd at 21 and got the same as you, then when dd was 8 I had ds. So many people assume because I have a big age gap and I still look young that dh isn't dds dad. We get asked quite alot about her 'real dad' at the school gates. Last week I got told by another mum at the school gates that I was so lucky that dh was so involved with his step daughter, as he goes to school events and helps out. I pointed out that he is her dad and the woman looked completely shocked.

I have been married to the same man since I was 20 and people looked shocked by that. I don't know why.

I genuinely couldn't care about what they think. If they were important enough to me, they would know the details of my life.

At nearly every stage of my life people have made incorrect assumptions and some of those people have judged me for it. Even though their assumptions are incorrect.

Even if they were right, its not something to get judgy about...but as I said some people are arseholes.

Sarahplane · 23/05/2015 11:29

Yadnbu I was just turned twenty when I had my first but got a lot of judgy looks. I still find it hard to make friends in the playground etc even though she's nearly ten now. I had my second at nearly twenty six and the difference in how I've been treated second time around is huge. People still think Im younger than I am but don't look at me now as if to say how dare I have children when I'm so young.

manchestermummy · 23/05/2015 11:36

YANBU!

I'm 36 and while I certainly don't look like a teenager (in real life: in the mirror I still look 19 obviously) I do look younger. There are a couple of parents at school who think I am very, very young and talk to me accordingly.

I work in HE and I am mistaken for a student regularly. And not a mature student at that. Drives me batty.

Tiasmummy · 23/05/2015 12:36

YANBU at all! It's the bane of my life looking as young as I do. People assume I am pleased by it but I am not... At all. I dread people asking my age because I cba with the "whaaaaaat! No way! I thought you were like 16/17!“.. I am 36 with a ten year old daughter. I got asked for ID to buy superglue sigh. Just the other day I took my daughter for a secondary school appointment and a teacher said" excuse me girls" as she walked past us.... The same phrase was used by a teacher at another school open day I took her to as well...people always assume my DD is my little sister and buying alcohol.. Though I rarely do... Is an absolute joke.. It's getting so tiresome now.

Arsenic · 23/05/2015 12:51

Now that I have a 15 year old, I quite enjoy people telling me I look too young to have a child of that age, so it gets better.

It's not so bad with the DDs, but people make inappropriate comments about DS, mistaking us for some sort of cougar couple

PivotPIVOT · 23/05/2015 22:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HopOnTheMonnerBus · 24/05/2015 01:18

I had this too op. I was a young looking 21 yo when DS1 was born and got a fair few looks from people.
In the hospital after having him one of the mums I was eating dinner next to said to me "I take it you're not married then?" I asked what she meant and she waved her hand at me and said "well you're hardly old enough to be in a serious relationship" and laughed. I pointed out I was 21 and engaged but she just rolled her eyes. Bitch.

biggles50 · 24/05/2015 09:54

Don't worry just laugh it off and be grateful you're looking good for your age. I look very young for my age, I'm 54 and have passed for mid 30s. I hated it when I was a teen and in my 20s but now I embrace it. Your time will come. Every time someone comments on how young you look say thanks. But I feel your pain when people think you're a teen mum, people will soon cop on if you have a confident way about you. Recently at the doctor I was in the waiting room until it was empty, new doc came out asked receptionist if Mrs .. had turned up. He did a double take invited me in and said he must check my records as he was confused. We had a good laugh when he realised. So my point is you're blessed and in years to come you'll appreciate it.

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