Fallen out with MIL over manners

[WoeIsMee]

I'm really annoyed. I've NC for this.

My MIL had my children today and they've come back saying 'what' instead of 'pardon.' This is because mil told them that 'what' is correct which is clearly wrong - it's 'pardon.'

I'm really annoyed as correct manners are so important, also it's undermined me.

WIBU to ring her and tell her she's wrong and ask her to tell the children that she was wrong?

What is correct.
Pardon is common , like toilet
True though

It's 'what' not 'pardon'
And it's got sod all to do with manners

I say lounge, toilet and pardon.
I am lower middle class.
I make no apologies for my background. I am not a social climber. Why should I be embarrassed by the terms my lovely parents taught me?

I get around this by saying 'sorry?'

I am afraid that my mother would have said that neither "What?" nor "Pardon?" was correct. We always had to ask "What did you say?" and would have been soundly rebuked for shortening it - I have tried with my own but it is a losing battle, perhaps my discipline is not as good as hers!

Just compromise on "Sorry?"

i recall a guy at University who used to say "Say again?" Except he seemed a bit deaf and said it in response to pretty much everything, and it sounded a bit like "Sagenne"? Really grated on me but still better than pardon though.

Great minds sommer!

Just tell the children that different people use different words, and that in your house, you say pardon.

I've already had that chat with my DD about Nana's house, though the 'what' and 'pardon' choices were reversed.

There's really no need to make an issue of it especially if your MIL would actually get a kick out of a confrontation.

More than half of the people on this thread think that 'pardon' is correct so I can't be so wrong

Yes you can.

"What" isn't wrong or impolite. Why can't you see that? Hopefully your DH hasn't had a particularly stressful day because being hit with "your mother told our children to use a perfectly acceptable word and I'm furious" would fuck me off a fair bit.

I don't believe this is real though.

Yes, My family all said 'what!' growing up, but we're not posh like English people can be. Pardon does sound a bit uptight to me. Nice polite 'sorry' does the trick. Only my mother would say "what!" to me if I said "sorry?" to her.

Nana's house! lol, another thread. Can you say nana and what!!!? Shake it up there. The sky will fall down.

ps, i only say ''sorry'' because I don't want people who don't know that what is not rude to think I'm rude. It makes sense to the other half.

Neither one is either correct nor incorrect. It's just a personal preference depending (usually) on what class you are and your background/upbringing.

It is not considered rude or a lack of manners to say 'pardon' among the (old school) middle, upper middle and upper classes, just ingratiating and embarrassingly lower middle class.

Whereas it is considered rude to say 'what' among the lower middle classes (ie. the new middle class.)

All clear now?

Doesn't really matter. I was brought up to consider 'pardon' as a bit nouveau - you know, someone giving themselves airs. It's either 'I beg your pardon' if you want to be either polite or exceptionally rude, depending on tone or 'what' for friends and family.

But quite frankly I don't care and use pardon quite happily too now. Clearly I am utterly declassé .

Teach your children to say what you would like to say, and ignore your MIL because if she knows how you feel about this (and you don't get on) she's probably trying to wind you up.

My grandad always said, you don't say "what?", you say "eh?"

Btw I was brought up in a semi-detached house in middle class suburbia, so god knows where the bizarre snobbery came from.

It's all about tone I think. Both "what?" And "pardon?" can sound perfectly polite or dreadfully rude. I am personally in the "what did you say?" or "what was that?" camp. I might also say "what?" Or "sorry".

I like your grandad, Scholes! There's breeding for you

Your mother in law is correct. My MIL always tells my 3 DC to say "pardon", they come home using it and it sets my teeth on edge . But it is purely a class thing I think, it's a linguistic indicator. So there's not really a right or wrong... my DC just naturally have learned to change their language according to who their talking to .

"What" can come across as rude if the intonation is wrong. "Excuse me?" or "sorry?" seem good middle ground phrases.

The way I see it is that saying "pardon?" or "sorry?" implies that it is your fault that you didn't hear what was said, not that it was the speaker's fault for mumbling or having an indecipherable accent - hence it's politer than "what?" which can be seen to imply that the speaker is at fault and could therefore be interpreted as a bit rude, particularly when a child is saying the "what?"

Kids, even young ones, are generally pretty good at being able to distinguish between situations where saying something is appropriate and ones where it is not - the way they speak and what they say to friends is generally entirely less measured than when at home. Things are different at granny's house, easy to explain.

It's either 'I beg your pardon' if you want to be either polite or exceptionally rude, depending on tone or 'what' for friends and family.

I agree. I never say 'Pardon' but i frequently say 'I beg your pardon?' in that very haughty, English passive-agressive way.

Why have you name changed for this OP?

You do realise that lends your thread a slightly dodgy air, don't you?

"PigletJohn

On the subject of manners, it is frightfully bad form to sneer at someone who uses words that are not the same as the words one uses oneself."

...isn't this exactly what the OP is doing/ proposing to do, though?

The very most you can possibly say to your MIL is to suggest that you agree to differ - you won't tell the DC she is wrong and she doesn't tell them you are wrong because neither of you is in fact wrong

Scholes
Are you really a member of the Royal Family - I could image Prince Philip coming out with that!

Sorry OP another vote for What. Pardon is trying too hard and failing. Although I do tend to soften it to "What was that?" rather than barking "What?" at someone like a slightly deaf old colonel.

ItsRaining
Yes to "I beg your pardon" in a PA way. I channel my inner Lady Bracknell at that point.