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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Fallen out with MIL over manners

565 replies

WoeIsMee · 21/05/2015 15:32

I'm really annoyed. I've NC for this.

My MIL had my children today and they've come back saying 'what' instead of 'pardon.' This is because mil told them that 'what' is correct which is clearly wrong - it's 'pardon.'

I'm really annoyed as correct manners are so important, also it's undermined me.

WIBU to ring her and tell her she's wrong and ask her to tell the children that she was wrong?

OP posts:
Gilrack · 24/05/2015 17:33

had to explain it to DD's year 6 teacher - Argh!

Black Countray :) Quite a few regions, I think.

KittiesInsane · 24/05/2015 18:03

She did ask me to explain it, as she felt insecure about it. Not her fault -- she's (ahem) quite a bit younger than I am.

Trickydecision · 24/05/2015 18:32

Kitties , hold on, what about the poor old Genitive after Acc before Dat? Latin certainly does help with 'me' , 'I' , 'whom', and 'who'.

Our DGC's mum has taugh them Toilet and Pardon. I hate it but would not dream of undermining her by making the sort of fuss the OP is contemplating.

Trickydecision · 24/05/2015 18:33

Taught Blush

Marylou2 · 24/05/2015 19:16

Fabulous thread! Reminds me of an Australian colleague who corrected me every time I said what. She was as convinced as the OP that it was pardon. I didn't have the heart to tell her.

JassyRadlett · 24/05/2015 20:24

Reminds me of an Australian colleague who corrected me every time I said what. She was as convinced as the OP that it was pardon. I didn't have the heart to tell her.

I would gently point out that this has nothing to do with her being Australia - there's a split there too! Your colleague was just as misguided as the OP....

Singsongsung · 25/05/2015 12:00

I am as befuddled as the OP here. I was raised on "don't say what, say pardon". I tend now to say "sorry I missed that, what did you say", and my daughter does the same.

I never knew pardon could be so despised!

Jux · 25/05/2015 14:30

It's not really despised. It's just that on a thread like this, people get polarised, and then exaggeration enters the lists, and one lot gets accused of snobbery and the other lot get told they're common Grin

I find it highly amusing and don't take any of it personally, whether it's meant so or not. Nor do I mean any of it personally. I apologise if I have offended anyone, but tbh I don't think I have.

And I certainly don't judge anyone in rl for whatever language they use, though dd saying 'toilet' does make me wince, as does dh saying 'reckernise' (a habit he picked up a few years ago; if he'd always done it, it wouldn't bother me). Anyway, that's pronunciation and not U/nonU.

I do realise that I was brought up very U, and all my relatives still are, but they regard me as very nonU and tolerate me kindly.

mrspremise · 25/05/2015 14:47

I say "what?" but DH says "pardon?". The dc say one or the other. I just can't manage to get worked up about things like this; it's a bit boring, like the perennial 'what you call your meals/sitting room/undergarments' questions Hmm

caitlinohara · 25/05/2015 15:21

OP - just please type Non U into wikipedia and you will see a useful table on the right of U and Non U words. 'What' is U, and 'Pardon' is Non U. Now, I would say stuff anyone who judges people on this crap, but actually you are being judgmental yourself, it's just that you have got it the wrong way round and you think it's your MIL who is being 'common'. So by all means, go ahead and teach your kids to say Pardon, but be aware that they will be judged on it by language snobs who are more clued up than you are.

LadyNym · 25/05/2015 16:32

How have I never come across this before??

Before now, I thought 'pardon' was more polite. I don't say it because it sounds weird and forced if I do so I'm one of the 'sorry?/sorry, what?' crowd but I always felt I should say it.

I'd say 'napkin' and 'sofa' but either 'toilet' or 'loo'. And I wouldn't say either 'lounge' or 'sitting room' but 'living room' instead; where does that come into it?

MIL and FIL are 'Granny' and 'Papa' because that's the norm for the part of Scotland they're from. My mum is the terribly American 'Meemaw' because she didn't like Granny, Grandma, Nana, Nanny etc. and my dad is 'Grumps'.

Gilrack · 25/05/2015 20:10

I was brought up very U, and all my relatives still are, but they regard me as very nonU and tolerate me kindly - Grin

How jolly U of them, Jux!

LuluJakey1 · 25/05/2015 20:33

In our house it was, sitting room, sofa, napkin, loo, ketchup, what, glass and getting down from the table

In my cousin's it was, lounge, settee, serviette, toilet, tomato sauce , pardon, mirror and being excused from the table

Don't think either of us cared, we just knew what was the word depending on which house we were in.

Jux · 25/05/2015 20:33

Wink they are very kind people

KittiesInsane · 25/05/2015 20:42

Fair enough. Tricky, i was being lazy:
Nominative Vocative Accusative Genitive Dative Ablative (and possibly Locative but I never did work out what that was for).

PigletJohn · 25/05/2015 21:14

Ladynym "Before now, I thought 'pardon' was more polite"

If we are talking about politeness then if you are talking to people who consider the word normal and polite, you would be polite to use it.

Whether this is 95% of the population, or only 90%, I do not know.

Original poster
WoeIsMee · 25/05/2015 21:44

Thank you for the continued replies.

I've had a good read through and there are some interesting points raised, some of which I will be taking on board.

I am sticking with 'pardon' as I know it to be correct, but I'm going to be dropping 'serviette' and 'bum' immediately.

Many thanks.

OP posts:
rogueantimatter · 25/05/2015 21:52

Ah - I've enjoyed this thread - all the more for still not knowing if it's a wind up (looks around for a wooden spoon []).

JassyRadlett · 25/05/2015 21:54

as I know it to be correct

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

UptheChimney · 25/05/2015 21:59

I am sticking with 'pardon' as I know it to be correct

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

I'm upper-mc, but was brought up to be kind as well as polite, and that commenting on other people's speech usages was rude. In the past, although I don't use certain words, I've not really judged other's usages. As so many people have pointed out in this thread, there's little that is "correct" or "incorrect" in register & usage -- grammatical correctness or rather, accuracy is a different thing.

But boy oh boy, do I judge you, OP -- are you not actually Susan Carter [Archers reference] brought to life? Thanks for the laugh Grin You are the gift of a bonkers OP who just keeps on giving

Gilrack · 25/05/2015 22:10

Dignified reply, OP.

It used to amuse me that toff language and behaviour was far more like my grandmother's than any of my aspirational friends'. (I come from a socially very mixed family.) Gran wasn't just working class: she was lower serving class; a gypsy born in Bow. You couldn't hope for a commoner commoner than she. Although the poor woman spent her life striving towards 'naice', her authentic roots were too strong and I am glad of it. She would only have made any of these bourgeois faux pas if attempting to class up, which she rarely did. She could have passed for too posh to be middle class but the cockney accent might have been a slight giveaway!

... just imagining Humphrey Hubert Hounsdbotham-Smythe-Fotheringhulme screeching "Lor, lavvadack!" when his horse rears Wink

BadLad · 25/05/2015 22:20

You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

LOL

As you wish

Gilrack · 25/05/2015 22:29

Are you OP, BadLad?

Topseyt · 25/05/2015 22:30

We have no sitting room in this house. We DO have a lounge/living room.

We have a sofa, and bums to go on it. We couldn't really give a shiny shite about napkins or serviettes. We don't do being particularly couth.

BadLad · 25/05/2015 22:42

Inconceivable!

No - just letting the poster I quoted know that I recognised the reference.