To have been insulted by something DP said to me regarding our relationship?

[Roxette15]

DP has extreme health anxiety (another thread!). His latest illness is lymphoma but because the doctors are actually investigating his claims this time he's gone into overdrive and has officially self-diagnosed himself with life threatening cancer. (not the first time, unfortunately).

So last night he's going through his concerns with me and says "I worry about you too, I mean, once it's diagnosed officially you might decide you don't want to know me. We've not known each other long, you might decide it's not worth it and leave. You might decide you don't want to marry me.

We've been together 3 years and are due to get married in 11 months. (booked).

I'm insulted to be honest. "we've not known each other long" totally trivializes our entire relationship IMO, it implies that we're nothing special - just dating almost. The fact that he thinks I would just bugger off if he was diagnosed with something implies that that's how deep he sees our relationship - that if one of us got a better offer we'd be off like a shot and on top of that, putting my psychology hat on, people tend to judge others intentions by their own standards - meaning I'm now wondering if that's what HE'D do if I came down with some awful diagnoses.

I know I'm probably over thinking everything but ffs, I spent most of yesterday organising stuff for our wedding and trying to sort out a honeymoon and he comes home saying "well we've not known each other long" etc etc!!???

I told him I was pissed off and hurt/insulted. He says I took it all the wrong way. Mumsnet jury??!

Can you honestly see things changing for the better? You know that after this "health scare" is resolved there'll be another ... and another.

The worst thing about this situation is his attitude to you when you're unwell. Telling you "now you know how he feels" is just so utterly self-centred.

Cancel the wedding. Continue to see him, if that works. But don't live with him, and definitely don't marry him.

He'll drag you down to depths of unhappiness you didn't know existed.

He may have health anxiety but he also has male privilege. Men have the privilege of not getting help for their illnesses and mental illnesses and knowing that women in society will pick up the pieces. Deep down he knows that which is why he refuses to get help.

Please please please do not marry him.

I had severe health anxiety as a teenager. Definitely not a hobby, it was incredibly distressing and I lost three years of my life to it as I ended up housebound with fear. He needs help - lots of it. I had weekly two hour cbt sessions for two years and I cope better now. I hope my family didn't see me in the way you all see him though if you see what I mean. I was ill and so is he.

Brilliant post, gilrack. Sums it up for me.

He is an emotional vampire, and if you marry him it will never change.

The weird thing is he doesn't sound frightened though, he sounds like he's enjoying the drama. That doesn't sound like HA to me, which is generally upsetting to experince.

Having read most of the replies here, I would say that, in your position, I would be insisting on him getting more help for his health anxiety or I would be pulling the plug on the wedding.

Obviously that doesn't help the situation that you've outlined in the OP, where he says that you would probably run off anyway (testing you?) - but in all fairness, I think you should.

You've had your own issues - why would you want to saddle yourself with someone who has similar-but-worse and refuses to have treatment for them? Is it a "saviour" problem? Do you think, because you've been there, that you can help him through it, you understand him more? Because it doesn't matter - you can't unless he wants the help. You can't make him want the help, and you've already admitted he's sucking the life out of you.

I'd seriously, seriously reconsider marrying this emotional leech well, I just wouldn't, tbh

The problem is, if you've known him three years and he has been ill that entire time you don't really know what the real him is like. Is all his unpleasant and difficult behaviour down to his anxiety or is he a generally unpleasant person who also happens to be ill? You need to find this out before you marry him.

As he is unwilling to seek help then you need to consider yourself. My next comment is because he won't/can't help himself not due to MH. My DH is on medication for MH and part of our 'rules' are he is medication compliant other wise our family couldn't be the loving supporting unit it is. (Poorly phased)

Considering happily ever after, you can't find a prince if you settle for a frog. Leave before you lock yourself in any further!

I can't imagine why you would consider marrying him while he is so entrenched in his mental illness.

Have you posted about this before op? The fact that he considers both of his sons to be disabled rings a bell.

We have a close relative with severe mental health problems, although not health anxiety. In many ways the actual illness isn't the real problem. Rather it is the fact that they can't/won't admit to being ill at all and it is everyone else who is the problem. It makes it next to impossible to have a decent relationship with them and the whole situation is made so much worse than it might have been. You can't talk to them about it, they won't take medication and their health is always on a downward spiral.

It's not my husband, but it does make me think about what their partner went through. I could be with someone who had mental health problems and who dealt sensibly with them. I would never encourage even my worst enemy to shackle themselves knowingly to someone like your partner. Can you try one more time to make him see sense and, if he doesn't, walk away? Sometimes love isn't enough to make a marriage work and it seems highly unlikely that either of you would be happy together.

Not getting treatment for his MH.
Being dismissive about your health.
Lying and exaggerating about the health of his child.

This is who he is and as long as he refuses to seek help for the management of his condition, will always be. There is no happy ever after here and you can not love and support him better.

His comment hurt because you were hit with reality; his anxiety, need for control and pathological need for the spotlight will always take precedent. Your role in this relationship is to be the rational, supportive, understanding and dependable one and those qualities/ expectations will never really be reciprocated.

Despite knowing all that you know about this man, you've planned and booked a wedding. However, once you've had your big day and the high has subsided, you're going to be confronted with the reality of always being second to his anxiety, feelings and opinions. Given his history of exaggeration and outright lying, how long before you become the focus of his anxiety and in his mind, develop a chronic or terminal illness.

Your partner is not the only one in your relationship who is in need of counselling. Let his hurtful comment be the catalyst to understanding your desire to comit to a relationship, where deep down, you know your needs will never be a priority. There's nothing lonelier than the realisation of being in a relationship where you aren't as important as your partner.

I don't think you are going to get anywhere with this man unless he recognises he has a serious mental health condition (and not a physical one) a lot of the systems he has will be directly linked to the anxiety.

There is an excellent book by Josh Fletcher called panicking about panic which talks a lot about the symptoms of anxiety and how they affect you physically. My guess he is not ready to admit this is a mental health condition so will simply not entertain the idea.

He will eventually run of Drs willing to take him seriously though.

For the love of God do not marry him

He needs a psychological assessment. do you really want this to be your life?

systems = symptoms!

Oh god I couldn't live with a hypochondriac. We have one in the family and just spending an hour with her drains me emotionally and physically. I feel sick after being in her presence.
Heaven knows what it's like to actually LIVE and be in a partnership with one! You must be completely flushed out!

Honestly, call his bluff. Can you imagine what it will be like if you decide to have children and you're giving birth? He'll be in a bed next to you dying of sympathetic labour pains. What an arse.

I simply couldn't listen to this shit. If your going to continue your relationship with him I would refuse to listen to even one more word about it.

If you were to develop a serious illness OP you already know this man would not be supportive. In fact, he would be jealous.

More armchair psychology now, here's my own take on it. He seems to have an extremely romanticised idea of being ill and getting fussed over, getting lots of attention, having people worry. He doesn't want a wife, he wants a nurse. A 24 hour, unpaid, extremely sympathetic and legally-tied-to-him nurse.

Now, believe it or not, there are some people out there that would be fine with that, they would be happy to play nursemaid or matron Q lo forevermore. But if it's not for you (and it wouldn't be 'for' the vast majority of people) then you really both should find someone more compatible.

I can't say whether he is hypochondriac (genuinely believes he actually is ill) or has munchausens syndrome (knows full well he isn't ill but craves the attention) but he would be best to settle down with someone who has a Florence Nightingale complex or Munchausens by proxy.

I couldn't live with a miserable hypochondriac. It is a form of self obsession. Calling healthy kids disabled is warped. It sounds like he enjoys sympathy and attention. Can't you just be friends?

Gilrack I agree with you entirely. Hypochondria does dominate your whole life, that's part and parcel of mental illness. Unfortunately before you start to treat the problem you have to acknowledge that you have a problem.

He doesn't think he has a problem because he actually believes he is ill and its not anxiety talking . I felt like this for a long time, it is physically and emotionally draining. However I totally agree the OP is under no obligation to have to put up with it whilst he is not willing to look at helping himself.

I just feel that some of the comments are quite dismissive of health anxiety, some are quite offensive when I'm very sure that if it was a different illness (e.g. depression) that the responses will be a lot more understanding. It is a lot more difficult to get treatment for something like this that isn't really accepted, for want of a better phrase.

Hypochondria is not self obsession . It is a mental illness that can be quite debilitating.

Hypochondria isn't self obsession but hypochondriacs are self obsessed and overly introspective. A younger hypochondriac who accepts they have a problem could be treated by a psychologist but an older hypochondriac who doesn't accept he is a hypochondriac is less easy to treat and i think would be a hard person to live with. It sounds like more than hypochondria if he's wishing illnesses on his kids

I am a hypochondriac but in no way am I self obsessed. The lying, the calling his children disabled screams to me that its more than simple hypochondria, so that I do agree.

It's very hard to admit you have a problem because your mind us utterly convinced that you are physically and not mentally ill. I don't remember when mine stopped, it was like a gradual change until I realised that I only feel anxious some of the time and not always. Getting a job helped - I care for seriously ill adults, so sort of confronting my fear head on. Needed lots and lots of therapy though. I ended up with a diagnosis of OCD, generalised anxiety disorder..

Op. Have you children. If not id suggest you think long and hard. Imagine 60 years with this man!