To have been insulted by something DP said to me regarding our relationship?

[Roxette15]

DP has extreme health anxiety (another thread!). His latest illness is lymphoma but because the doctors are actually investigating his claims this time he's gone into overdrive and has officially self-diagnosed himself with life threatening cancer. (not the first time, unfortunately).

So last night he's going through his concerns with me and says "I worry about you too, I mean, once it's diagnosed officially you might decide you don't want to know me. We've not known each other long, you might decide it's not worth it and leave. You might decide you don't want to marry me.

We've been together 3 years and are due to get married in 11 months. (booked).

I'm insulted to be honest. "we've not known each other long" totally trivializes our entire relationship IMO, it implies that we're nothing special - just dating almost. The fact that he thinks I would just bugger off if he was diagnosed with something implies that that's how deep he sees our relationship - that if one of us got a better offer we'd be off like a shot and on top of that, putting my psychology hat on, people tend to judge others intentions by their own standards - meaning I'm now wondering if that's what HE'D do if I came down with some awful diagnoses.

I know I'm probably over thinking everything but ffs, I spent most of yesterday organising stuff for our wedding and trying to sort out a honeymoon and he comes home saying "well we've not known each other long" etc etc!!???

I told him I was pissed off and hurt/insulted. He says I took it all the wrong way. Mumsnet jury??!

He does exaggerate his symptoms, that's why I like to accompany him to the appointments (not so that I can but in and say he's lying but so I can have an awareness of what he's actually telling people and what they're doing in return, otherwise I'd be a nervous wreck wondering why the docs are sending him for endless appointments). This latest one I didn't go to however and low and behold, he comes away with a CT scan appointment.

I remember another doctor asking if he has night sweats. He said "yes". Outright nonsense. He sweats no more than I do and I sweat very little.

Can you imagine having kids with this man?
If you don't hate him now you sure will when he puts himself before your children.

And here I am, allowing the odd thought of "oh god I hope the CT scan is clear, what will happen if it is lymphoma, how long will he have? is it treatable?" etc etc etc!! it's fucking crazy, it's making me as bad as him. I feel like I'm living with someone who IS terminally ill.

i think you need to wait until he gets the all clear from this, and then when he is "healthy" tell him that he is putting your relationship on the line because you there will always be something. Tell him he needs to get treatment or you will cancel the wedding. This problem is never going to resolve itself and will only get worse. Can you live with that, if he doesn't get help?

Actually postphoning the whole thing now might not be a bad idea until he gets it under control. Wait until he gets the results first though, as he is definitely not thinking rationally at the moment and will think you are bailing out.

He probably doesn't realise how it sounded and yes he is ill.

But his illness is ruining your life and his life and he isn't interested in being helped for it. In reality, this will rule you life forever. If he was seeking help, I would tell you to be supportive. But I really think you need to think about the wedding tbh. He doesn't want help, he won't accept he is ill. You can't change that. But do you want to live like this forever.

The imagined illnesses are the centre of his world. If you have kids, what impact do you think this will have on them. Their father working out how long he has to live or (quite possibly) he could transfer his focus on to your children. And convince them they are ill.

Do you really want to marry him?

I hate to say it but it sounds like he isn't really in love with you, he's too obsessed with his hobby to have any feelings or time left over for loving you.

It's like marrying someone who's obsessed with buses or something. Every time a bus went past you'd have to stop having sex and write down the number. It's exactly the same but imo, worse

Roxette, you see those hills in the distance....run for them!

seems like he is giving you an out. You would not be unreasonable to take it.

Does he acknowledge his MH issues? Is he engaging with it and getting professional support/treatment?

What is you vision of the future with him like OP? What do you see your relationship and your life being like in 5 or 10 years. How will children fit into your lives if his behaviour continues to dominate this way?

I have experience with a very dear friend who has extreme health anxiety and lots and lots of "very serious illnesses" - most of them not diagnosed. I have known her for 30 years. As a supportive friend it became very claustrophobic & smothering. I really only got out of the increasingly draining support role when I moved abroad. We are still friends, but distance really helps from my POV. It also helped me when I learned to understand her better - this is how she runs her life!

It sounds as though his health anxiety puts him at the centre of all things and reduces you to the level of a bystander. I'd struggle with that. It's not the foundation of a loving relationship. I'm afraid that, given his will not seek help for this condition, I would leave him.

The comment is part of his illness.
That is the illness that needs treating and might drive people away! I know, I have it.

However, your post seems to think that because hr has health anxiety, all doctors are fools and there's nothing wrong. This attitude will send him into overdrive if he senses it.
I know because I've been there.
Friends, family, partner using the logic "everything is always in your head" made me paranoid if something was wrong no one would support me iyswim. Could that be part of the comment? In fact mh professionals have suggested NEVER being believed about illness as a child is at the root of my anxiety (my dad is funny about hospital and imperfection - all childhood illness was met with a "NOTHING WRONG" ...sometimes later there would be a mad dash or me ill longer as it had been something) ...like a phobia -level version of "once bitten twice shy".

In my case I stopped going to the dr. I would have back pain I could hardly walk with but think I would not be believed. .. I was terrified of course because I also thought I was seriously ill. I thought people would feel I'd failed if I got ill, as sickness was an enemy and a dirty word. After 3 miscarriages and a partial molar pregnancy (which my dh - who like you assumed everything was "just in my head" refused to believe the Drs were testing for in oncology as he wasn't there with me I had to show him the letter ... He is utterly mortified by that day, and it took years to get over) I was diagnosed with APS, a very real blood condition explaining the back pain and 3 losses. The chances of having a partial molar pregnancy and APS are very low, ironically the kind of thing someone with health anxiety might catastrophise about.
But in my case real.
The thought that dh assumed the Drs had me in oncology and haematology because I'd tricked them was the most hurtful thing (my dad is a lost cause regarding it, he still denies my losses) ... and it made the health paranoia way worse PLUS I genuinely feared everyone would leave me if I was unclean/ill.

Your Dp needs support with his mh but also needs people to model trusting doctors (because that trust will help in future when a dr says "you are not ill" ).

When he undoubtedly gets the all-clear from this latest illness, tell him that unless he seeks help (and maintains it) for his anxieties, the wedding will be postponed. Indefinitely.

Your wedding is still a while away. Can you give him maybe 3 months to form some plan on how he intends to get help and actually start getting the help he needs. You can support him but he needs to be the one taking the initiative. If he refuses then you know your answer.

X posts - this is a fast moving thread!

Grrr when you think of the amount of NHS money and time this man has wasted! And of course he won't believe the MRI is right, etc.

OP, I think you would be very foolish to marry him. I certainly wouldn't say that if he actually had cancer, but this - I don't know whether you can call it an illness or what - this would be too much for me.

If you feel he's sucking the life out of you, surely you know you shouldn't be marrying him?

Why are you with him?

Squizta thanks for sharing your experience and sorry you have been through that.

The thing is though I never once suggest that the doctors are crap. I'm the one saying the doctors know what they're doing and he should trust them (especially as he's now seen a variety of GPs, consultants, specialists in Urology, neurology, exotic diseases etc etc etc!!!). He's the one that doesn't trust the doctors. Everytime one of them tells him there is nothing wrong, he decides they're "shit" and tries to see a different one.

...and I've had counselling that told me I was imagining symptoms that were actually physical.

It's what makes good treatment for health anxiety hard!! How do you get someone to not attach undue fear to every pain ... but also (for example) not ignore it if they really had a lump somewhere.
Very tricky indeed!!

He can ask for another counsellor or try CBT or hypnotherapy.

FWIW I now have a baby and both dh and hcp are confident I manage things well.

Don't forget that if you have a child with him, he could pass on these worries to the child, so that if the baby sneezes he takes him to A&E, etc. Can you imagine his reaction when he sees the newborn green poo??!!

I couldn't cope with this op. Both my parents used health as a obsession/control tool, it was a nightmare. One was a pure hypochondriac, much like your partner, was convinced had everything wrong with them. They were ten times worse around those who were actually ill, almost mimicking their symptoms and claiming the same. Believe me, if you ever became seriously ill he would a nightmare, 'sickness leech' I called it.

My other parent would just make up illness, so their partner would look after them. Very devious behavior, seemed to be obessed with needing to be 'cared for', no one could put up with it for long. Especially when the big lies came to head (about tests and cancer diagnosis).

I truly hope your partner doesn't have cancer or any other serious illness. However, his behaviour at the moment shows him to be selfish and self-obsessed. Unless he gets real help with his mental health, I'm afraid you're in for a difficult time.

Rox sorry cross post.
Sounds like he needs to get a more effective mh doctor.

As PP have said, if he won't do that life will just get unbearable.

We will never have kids together. We are marrying late in our lives and already have kids (teens) from previous relationships. Come to think of it, he does have a habit of insisting that both of his kids are disabled (when in fact, it's just the youngest who actually does have special needs). There is nothing wrong with his eldest but he will often say he has "two disabled kids".

Reminds me of Harvey Corman in Scrubs. I hated him.

I've had health anxiety before. It was all encompassing, over powering, and most importantly, very convincing to myself.

From what you've described, I feel nothing but compassion for someone whose anxiety is terrifying him that he will lose what he dearly loves. This is not a person saying these things in a regular state of mind. If so you'd have reason to feel insulted. This person is in a state of heightened anxiety and that means he is also terrified of losing you.

It does not make my skin crawl. It makes me hope he seeks out and gets help for this.

If his illness (acute anxiety) is not something you wish to deal with, you should leave. It's best for both of you. He is unwell. He needs help. You do not need to provide that help. You are not obliged to. But I hope you understand that this man is not well.

He's ill, but unless he will accept this and get treatment your life will be like this as long as you are with him.

I know someone whose dh has health anxiety (but both are in denial), their lives are horrible. They go from believing he has one terminal illness after the other.

Please think carefully about how you want to spend your married life.

So he clearly has a MH issue and refuses to admit it or seek help: that's a big problem. It's impacting negatively on you too.

Will you get money back if you cancel the wedding arrangements?

Don't get sucked into his anxiety- detach! Don't go with him anymore or even engage with his medical appointments. You can't police or monitor what he says to health professionals or what tests he gets - that's his and their problem! If he does get diagnosed with something serious you will find out soon enough!