To have been insulted by something DP said to me regarding our relationship?

[Roxette15]

DP has extreme health anxiety (another thread!). His latest illness is lymphoma but because the doctors are actually investigating his claims this time he's gone into overdrive and has officially self-diagnosed himself with life threatening cancer. (not the first time, unfortunately).

So last night he's going through his concerns with me and says "I worry about you too, I mean, once it's diagnosed officially you might decide you don't want to know me. We've not known each other long, you might decide it's not worth it and leave. You might decide you don't want to marry me.

We've been together 3 years and are due to get married in 11 months. (booked).

I'm insulted to be honest. "we've not known each other long" totally trivializes our entire relationship IMO, it implies that we're nothing special - just dating almost. The fact that he thinks I would just bugger off if he was diagnosed with something implies that that's how deep he sees our relationship - that if one of us got a better offer we'd be off like a shot and on top of that, putting my psychology hat on, people tend to judge others intentions by their own standards - meaning I'm now wondering if that's what HE'D do if I came down with some awful diagnoses.

I know I'm probably over thinking everything but ffs, I spent most of yesterday organising stuff for our wedding and trying to sort out a honeymoon and he comes home saying "well we've not known each other long" etc etc!!???

I told him I was pissed off and hurt/insulted. He says I took it all the wrong way. Mumsnet jury??!

Being with him sounds totally exhausting, I'm drained just imagining a life with him! Please think long and hard before you go through the wedding.

He will never seek help if this is his attitude. Trust me, my DP suffers with terrible anxiety which has put a stop to both our social life and our sex life yet he point blank refuses to get help, and he has told me that he will never seek help. We're meant to be getting married next summer and I'm taking it as a warning sign that I'm relieved that we haven't booked anything yet.

Tying yourself to someone who has such serious and life-limiting problems seems crazy. Carry on being friends if you like but marry him? No way.

eldest doesn't realise his Dad refers to him as being disabled
He's 19?? He either does know or is guaranteed to find out eventually. How could you remain in ignorance of your father telling all and sundry you're disabled??
That is so bizarre it would have ended things for me all by itself.

Oh Roxette - your posts make me feel queasy.

I think you are going to be marrying an ill man, but not ill in the way he thinks he is. He sounds a bit frightening and deluded TBH - about his sons, about his own 'illnesses' and his view on how women should let him take over. His poor ex-wife was probably dominated by his fretting over his youngest son's care.

I know you say he is lovely otherwise, but there are so many red flags here. I fear for when the honeymoon period wears off.

Can I ask you - you say you have teenagers. What do your own children think of him?

50Shades YY health anxiety is being terrified of actual symptoms not faking them.

www.nhs.uk/conditions/munchausens-syndrome/Pages/Introduction.aspx

Haven't read the whole thread, apologies, replying to OP only.

He sounds like he is one of life's takers, taking your attention, questioning your love for him, trivialising your relationship. I understand he is mentally ill, but he needs to fix it by getting counselling. Otherwise, he is wallowing in taking. And you will not be able to give him enough.

I know it sounds harsh, but is her aware how much money the NHS pay out for scans and investigations? They cost thousands. And the pot isn't endless. I'm not sure he can ever be 'cured' of hypochondria. From what little I know, as soon as a doctor mentions it he will switch doctors and medical practice. So he might always be this way.

Also, having children with someone like this is potentially dangerous. Many hypochondriacs then go on to convince their children they are ill too and children can spend their lives in and out of doctors surgeries/hospitals having all sorts of tests unnecessarily and building a very anxious personality. (I have a relative who did just this).

I would think that he is not marriage material at this present time. If he accepts his illness and gets treatment, you might be able to marry him, but not until he sorts it out. Sorry, just being honest here.

And please be aware the doctors will already believe he is a hypochondriac and are having to go through investigations just in case. It might be his medical record is as long as your arm and he has spent many years switching surgeries/doctors once they say 'no more, let's discuss mental health'. Perhaps you feel the need to support, but actually you are enabling him.

"I would miss him so much if we ever broke up but I do sometimes find myself thinking "it shouldn't be this hard"."

No, it shouldn't be that hard. To break up you would have to let go of the fantasy of a "happy ever after" with him (which is never going to happen if he doesn't accept he has a problem and try to fix it). But would you really miss him? Miss all the worrying and catastrophising?

You would be setting yourself free. Giving yourself the chance of happiness, either on your own or with another partner.

Personally I would prefer my own company, or friends, or a hobby - anything to the company of this man.

I honestly can't imagine what you see in this man OP! I would run as far away as fast as you can if I was you!

As someone that is chronically ill and disabled and that is the mother of 2 children that are disabled I find your OH's behavior disgusting!It's really disrespectful towards others like myself that are seriously ill and it's unforgivable that he goes round telling people that one of his children are disabled when they're not!

You've said that he's been offered help but refuses it,that says it all really.I wouldn't waste any more of your time on him.

You're not going to get a happy ever after. You're going to get a this ever after.
This. For ever and ever. Is that what you want? Is that what will make you happy?

I'd suggest saying to him that marriage is conditional upon him getting help and engaging fully with that help and will therefore be postponed until he has shown consistent improvement for x period of time.

'Gotta love Mumsnet for the man hating, mental health bashing lot that you are'

He doesn't want help for his mental illness. He refused it. So the OP is under no obligation to put up with him or it.

He certainly does sound as though he needs help but that doesn't mean the OP should forsake happiness in her life.

From the sounds of it, this illness has affected his entire adult life, costing him his first marriage and damaging his relationship with his son and he still refuses to acknowledge it or take up offered treatment.

It would be folly to marry this person unless you want a life of misery with him, OP.

I agree with the poster who said that this sounds more than health anxiety, perhaps a serious personality disorder.
At the risk of sounding dramatic myself remember that people who like drama they sometimes create it if they can not find it.

The doctors should have all the previous history, havent they ever suggest mental health?

Dear God, don't marry this man. You might want to get this thread moved to relationships.

i do sometimes wonder if these kind of threads are a wind up, I mean can someone really be THAT stupid as to even consider marrying this guy ?

Good grief. Hunting bucket lists together? And this doesnt in any way concern you?

Sounds like a thoroughly depressing waste of nhs resources and your energy. I really wouldn't marry him.

Just offering a different perspective. It does sounds a little bit more than health anxiety. I suffer from health anxiety, it is utterly debilitating and has destroyed my life. I am very sure if he suffered from depression instead replies would be very different. Health anxiety is not a hobby, and it extremely offensive to suggest so. I cannot imagine that anybody would ever choose to live like this, it is soul destroying.

I have every sympathy for him, it's very easy to look in from the outside and say he's being ridiculous, but until you have been there you cannot understand. He is mentally ill and that is not his fault, having said that he has a responsibility to himself and his loved ones to seek treatment. it is very very hard to accept that you have health anxiety. I struggled but I sought help I recovered. I have relapsed so now I am re starting treatment. Unfortunately if he is unwilling to get help then you have to chose wether you can deal with this or not. I completely accept that it is hard for family members just as it is hard for the sufferer. Nobody wins in this situation, you have to put your happiness first.

I wouldn't really associate lying about symptoms with health anxiety. People with health anxiety tend to genuinely have the symptoms, just believe they represent a more serious illness than what they actually do, though my GP has regularly told me that if you are so convinced you have something your brain can trick you into having the symptoms.

If you can't deal with him, that's absolute fine. It must be so stressful. Be kind to yourself, chose what is best for you, but please be kind to him aswell, he must be going through some real distress.

I don't understand how you could possibly be excited about a future with this man. At least, not the way he is, and it seems always has been, as long you've known him and been together.

I don't know how old you are.

But old age almost inevitably does involve actual health issues. One or the other of you will probably have to nurse the other through actual health issues, and this is massively demanding, but physically and mentally.

I saw it with my Mum who passed away in her early 60s, and I'm now seeing it with my Dad in his mid-70s. I see it in my friends' parents, and my parents' friends. It's not fun. For anyone.

Quite why anyone would manufacture this unhappy situation, when they could be out living and enjoying life instead, is beyond me.

I don't mean to sound as unsympathetic as I'm coming across. But you can very well be a long time infirm, and you're certainly a long time dead.

Is this really how you want to spend your later years?

If I'm ill he tends to be quite cold towards me and says "now you know how it feels when nobody believes you".

This sounds like he is implying that he doesn't believe you're ill when you are - is that his ploy to 'get back at you' because you believe the doctors when they tell you that nothing is wrong with him? He doesn't worry about your health and convince himself that you are suffering from serious illnesses, even when you are genuinely sick, but he expects you to take his at best psychosomatic, at worst made-up symptoms seriously? That sounds actively cruel.

Buildme, that was a brave post. I'm sorry to hear you've suffered a setback and I applaud your insight into your condition. Good luck with your recovery!

The problem here is that it is not the sufferer who's posting for support - it's his fiancée. And he lacks the insight you have; has rejected appropriate treatment (all right, it may have been crap but he instantly dismissed the whole idea of therapy.) His real illness dominates his life, interfered with his children's lives and his first marriage, is hurting OP, and still he prioritises his maladaptive behaviours over everyone else. Roxette posted this thread after he had quite comprehensively trivialised their relationship, seemingly as part of his self-fantasy. I can imagine how upsetting that was.

Nobody here can advise her fiancé, but we can advise her not to sacrifice her future to his disorder. This makes him more 'sad' than 'bad', but still a terrible choice of husband.

YY to cruelty there, DoJo :(

It really doesn't sound like a good idea to marry this man. You must see that, right?