Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

To have been insulted by something DP said to me regarding our relationship?

150 replies

Roxette15 · 21/05/2015 10:37

DP has extreme health anxiety (another thread!). His latest illness is lymphoma but because the doctors are actually investigating his claims this time he's gone into overdrive and has officially self-diagnosed himself with life threatening cancer. (not the first time, unfortunately).

So last night he's going through his concerns with me and says "I worry about you too, I mean, once it's diagnosed officially you might decide you don't want to know me. We've not known each other long, you might decide it's not worth it and leave. You might decide you don't want to marry me.

We've been together 3 years and are due to get married in 11 months. (booked).

I'm insulted to be honest. "we've not known each other long" totally trivializes our entire relationship IMO, it implies that we're nothing special - just dating almost. The fact that he thinks I would just bugger off if he was diagnosed with something implies that that's how deep he sees our relationship - that if one of us got a better offer we'd be off like a shot and on top of that, putting my psychology hat on, people tend to judge others intentions by their own standards - meaning I'm now wondering if that's what HE'D do if I came down with some awful diagnoses.

I know I'm probably over thinking everything but ffs, I spent most of yesterday organising stuff for our wedding and trying to sort out a honeymoon and he comes home saying "well we've not known each other long" etc etc!!???

I told him I was pissed off and hurt/insulted. He says I took it all the wrong way. Mumsnet jury??!

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 21/05/2015 12:00

I don't understand why you would want to marry him. Didn't you go right off him when he was saying his other child was disabled when he wasn't?

Original poster

Roxette15 · 21/05/2015 12:01

He still says he's disabled. I always challenge him on it. The last time I said "I wish you'd stop saying that because DSS1 is NOT disabled!" and he replied "you have no idea! he was in speech therapy until he was 5!"

So were both my kids but it doesn't mean they're disabled!!!

OP posts:

Duckdeamon · 21/05/2015 12:02

Also, if he really thought / thinks his DC had a disability, why on earth wouldn't he do absolutely everything he could seek help for him?

Lying or exaggerating about a DC's health: red flag. Not seeking help for a DC's health: also a red flag!

Duckdeamon · 21/05/2015 12:03

How does he get on with your DC?

Original poster

Roxette15 · 21/05/2015 12:04

He reckons he tried to get him tested for autism or something when he was young but either decided against it or they wouldn't test him. I don't know, I switch off sometimes because it's another one of his obsessions. He bangs on about the past that much that I often wonder if he's even interested in a future.

OP posts:

MitzyLeFrouf · 21/05/2015 12:05

What does he bring to your life?

ImperialBlether · 21/05/2015 12:07

So - why do you want to marry him?

Sometimes love is not enough and I think that's particularly true when you're thinking of marrying someone. This man wouldn't put you first. He wouldn't put your children first if they were ill. He thinks his children are ill when they're not. He 'bangs on about the past'.

What is it about him that makes you think he'd make your life better?

ImperialBlether · 21/05/2015 12:08

And is he working?

Original poster

Roxette15 · 21/05/2015 12:08

We do have good times. If I can get him to forget about his "health" for a moment we laugh, we act stupid together, we escape for weekend breaks together, we hunt bucket list opportunities together, we drink together, enjoy music together. I would miss him so much if we ever broke up but I do sometimes find myself thinking "it shouldn't be this hard".

OP posts:

BeCool · 21/05/2015 12:09

Roxette I think you need to start counting the red flags ....

Original poster

Roxette15 · 21/05/2015 12:09

He does work full time, yes

OP posts:

Duckdeamon · 21/05/2015 12:10

So when he's worried for himself (seemingly about the wrong things!) he seeks lots of intervention, but just left it when concerned about his DC being autistic?!

Obsessive about things. Harping on about the past a lot. More red flags there.

ImperialBlether · 21/05/2015 12:10

I wondered how his sickness record was if he was working.

Egged · 21/05/2015 12:11

I recognise that this man has severe mental health problems, and needs help, but you are the one posting in distress, OP, and it's your situation I am thinking of, especially as he is resisting treatment because he doesn't seem to acknowledge he has a problem. Honestly, everything you say is extremely concerning - his MH issues are taking over your life before you even marry, and the labelling of a non-disabled child as disabled is very alarming, and suggests no 'boundaries' to his illness.

How old are you both, OP? Because the chances are that one of you will become ill at some point as you age, with something more or less serious - could he cope and be supportive if it was you diagnosed with cancer, or you who had a stroke? What is he like now if you have a bad cold or a stomach upset or something ordinary? Do you really want to face into the normal ills of ageing with a man whose every corn will be gangrene and whose every need for a new glasses prescription will be glaucoma? Especially if he isn't capable of supporting you when/if you are ill?

Honestly, I would postpone the wedding until he recognises he has a serious problem and seeks help for it. Otherwise you are both setting yourself up for misery, and enabling his MH issues by implicitly condoning them? Are you prepared to stand up and agree to stick by this man 'in sickness and in health' in the full knowledge that, given that he appears to be gifted with health, he doesn't appreciate it, and instead wallows in imaginary sickness, which he extends to his own children???

Postpone until he makes some progress.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 21/05/2015 12:11

How are you going to feel on your honeymoon when he gets heartburn from eating something spicy or drinking red wine etc. and then wastes the rest of your honeymoon trying to get tested for stomach cancer?

Unless he takes proper steps to get his anxiety treated, it will impinge on every aspect of your life.

Original poster

Roxette15 · 21/05/2015 12:12

From what he tells me and describes he was absolutely obsessed with his youngest child's autism and by the sounds of it, the child's mother felt overwhelmed by it. From what he describes (unintentionally!) he totally took over and left her with no voice on it. Obviously he describes it as her not being bothered and him being left doing all the work but I know him and I can just imagine a scenario where she had little choice but to take a back seat.

OP posts:

Egged · 21/05/2015 12:15

Isn't that a serious warning from his past marriage, Roxette? The child may now be an adult or almost, but from what you say, your DP is already overwhelming you with his own terminal illnesses. Are you setting up a situation in which he's going to be telling a third wife about how his second wife was totally unsympathetic when he had lymphoma/a brain tumour/lung cancer?

OhNoNotMyBaby · 21/05/2015 12:17

I'm sorry OP but please please don't tie yourself to this man.
He will bring you nothing but stress, strain and heartache.

Why are you even thinking about marrying him?

DorisLessingsCat · 21/05/2015 12:18

Oh God he sounds an absolute nightmare. Please don't marry him. You sound lovely. You deserve better.

hettie · 21/05/2015 12:18

Oh dear...If he was made to feel that way immediatley. It's possible that the 'therpaist' he met was inexperienced and or more like a low intensity worker. Trouble is that is now his take on the process isn't it... Perhaps after he has been all checked out for the lastest scare it may make him think again?
As for being insulted.... well his anxiety will always trump your relationship. Sorry to say. It will dictate both your lives until he seeks help. Think very hard about whether you can go along with this op...

KitZacJak · 21/05/2015 12:27

It's hard to tell him that he has mental health problems because he really believes his illnesses are the issue. Does he exhibit any other strange tendancies?

DampAndRotten · 21/05/2015 12:46

Op, I think I can empathise with a least part of your problem.

My dp has CFS. It's not a MH problem, of course, and he is working towards recovery, but it's a chronic condition which affects our life together a lot and may never go away.

The big difference, however, is that he makes me happy! Even when we're stuck in the house together because he's too tired to go out, or he has to miss important events or cancel holidays. Just thinking about him makes my heart sing (retch, I know!).

It sounds as if your Dp's prognosis (re MH) is not good. He may never recover. And in all honesty it does not sound as if he makes you happy. I know you say you love him but there are different kinds of love and a love which "drains the life out of you" is not one which I would want for the rest of my life.

50shadesofmeh · 21/05/2015 12:48

sorry for the armchair psychiatry but he sounds like he's suffering with more than health anxiety, the self diagnosis and lying about symptoms sounds like Munchausens or some sort of personality disorder.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 21/05/2015 12:53

OP you are focusing on tge wedding as if that will seal your "Happily Ever After".

All this wedding is going to do is seal your tie to this man and his MH issues for ever after.

He will drain you dry of emotion and patience.

Pispcina · 21/05/2015 12:57

we hunt bucket list opportunities together,

Oh my Good Lord.

I don't understand how you can stand this rubbish, this fake fairy story he's making up all around you.

I don't understand how you can sit beside him in a doctor's surgery without intervening when he lies.

Doesn't it TOTALLY excruciatingly embarrass you? Don't you mind if the doctors think you believe him, think you're part of it?

I fail to see what you get out of this relationship. I doubt he would even feel a sense of loss if you did dump him. He is too absorbed in his imaginary life. Therefore it wouldn't even be cruel.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6