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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have been insulted by something DP said to me regarding our relationship?

150 replies

Roxette15 · 21/05/2015 10:37

DP has extreme health anxiety (another thread!). His latest illness is lymphoma but because the doctors are actually investigating his claims this time he's gone into overdrive and has officially self-diagnosed himself with life threatening cancer. (not the first time, unfortunately).

So last night he's going through his concerns with me and says "I worry about you too, I mean, once it's diagnosed officially you might decide you don't want to know me. We've not known each other long, you might decide it's not worth it and leave. You might decide you don't want to marry me.

We've been together 3 years and are due to get married in 11 months. (booked).

I'm insulted to be honest. "we've not known each other long" totally trivializes our entire relationship IMO, it implies that we're nothing special - just dating almost. The fact that he thinks I would just bugger off if he was diagnosed with something implies that that's how deep he sees our relationship - that if one of us got a better offer we'd be off like a shot and on top of that, putting my psychology hat on, people tend to judge others intentions by their own standards - meaning I'm now wondering if that's what HE'D do if I came down with some awful diagnoses.

I know I'm probably over thinking everything but ffs, I spent most of yesterday organising stuff for our wedding and trying to sort out a honeymoon and he comes home saying "well we've not known each other long" etc etc!!???

I told him I was pissed off and hurt/insulted. He says I took it all the wrong way. Mumsnet jury??!

OP posts:
squizita · 21/05/2015 11:21

Imperial slightly off topic but those of us with health anxiety don't all go taking babies down to A&E at the drop of a hat! My dd is 8 months and I've never been. Smile However I know my own mh and use CBT etc.

Just as with any illness if it's managed we can parent just fine. And weirdly in labour I went to hospital and pushed on gas n air ... no panic or fear! Go figure.

But of course the OPS Dp needs to recognise and manage it.

Floggingmolly · 21/05/2015 11:21

all the doctors are doing is trying to make him think he's imagining his symptoms There's no way forward from that, is there? Confused
Your only decision is whether you can handle the way things are now, forever more. They're not going to change, because he doesn't want them to.
Personally, I'd run.

NameChange30 · 21/05/2015 11:22

"Come to think of it, he does have a habit of insisting that both of his kids are disabled (when in fact, it's just the youngest who actually does have special needs). There is nothing wrong with his eldest but he will often say he has "two disabled kids"."

Hmm
Original poster
Roxette15 · 21/05/2015 11:22

The thing is I HAVE had health anxiety before. I was convinced for some time that I had either a brain tumour or would suffer a brain hemorrhage. My symptoms were headaches. I went backwards and forwards to doctors and eventually saw a neurologist who gave me the all clear. I was then offered counseling to deal with my anxiety - at that point I realised it was in my head. The difference is I did not affect anyone else with it, I didn't discuss my funeral plans/life expectancy with loved ones, I didn't ruin important events for everyone by being depressing - And it didn't drag on and on and didn't morph from brain issues to lung issues to bone issues to blood issues - This just seems never ending. What next after lymphoma? Bowel cancer? don't think we've had that one yet.

OP posts:
Duckdeamon · 21/05/2015 11:24

I also think you're right to worry about whether he could or would be there for you if you were ill - is he generally giving and supportive of you, or is it all about him?

Original poster
Roxette15 · 21/05/2015 11:26

Not really. If I'm ill he tends to be quite cold towards me and says "now you know how it feels when nobody believes you".

I have often thought about what would happen if I got really ill because I think he'd be awful.

OP posts:
TheMagnificientFour · 21/05/2015 11:26

I think it's hard. If you have been diagnosed to heath anxiety and that you really believe that you are ill (even if you are not), anyone trying to convince you that you aren't ill and it's all in your head isn't going to be well received.

That, for me, is a sign that the therapy (or therapist!) wasn't appropriate for him (Was it CBT by any chance?).
To get over that level of anxiety, he will need something much 'stronger' than a couple of sessions like this.

However, I would be taking a hard look at your relationship and how much you are ready to put up with.
My experience tells me that for it to work, he really needs to WANT to do something about his anxiety. And you need to be happy for your relationship to be somehow 'different'. ie are you happy to be his sounding board all the time re his health? Are you happy to deal with the roller coaster of emotions? And even if his anxiety is diminishing, you need to be clear that it will probably never cmpletely goo away. Are you also happy with that? Can ypu cope with it wo becoming a shadow of yourself?

Athenaviolet · 21/05/2015 11:28

He sounds like he has munchausen's syndrome.

Was his attitude to his DCs health part of the cause of his divorce?

He does sound like he has a debilitating condition, but it's psychological not physical. I'd want to insist he seek proper psychological diagnosis and treatment otherwise I don't think he's fit to be in a serious relationship.

Original poster
Roxette15 · 21/05/2015 11:33

I'm not really sure what the divorce was caused by, she said he was controlling, verbally abusive and refused intimacy and affection. He said the same about her!

I do know that when we met he totally exaggerated how disabled his youngest son was.

OP posts:
whois · 21/05/2015 11:34

Do you REALLY want to marry someone who won't get help for their mental health condition, and who isn't very nice to you when you're sick?

He sounds like a bad, bad husband.

Jackie0 · 21/05/2015 11:34

What does his eldest think of being referred to as disabled?
That's a terrible thing to lie about.
Does no one call him on it?
If he is cold towards when you are ill he doesn't deserve you, and you deserve better.
Please don't marry him.

NameChange30 · 21/05/2015 11:36

"If I'm ill he tends to be quite cold towards me and says "now you know how it feels when nobody believes you".

I have often thought about what would happen if I got really ill because I think he'd be awful."

Why on earth would you want to marry this man?!

Original poster
Roxette15 · 21/05/2015 11:42

His eldest is just very immature and socially awkward. But to be fair, his mother is also very socially awkward from what I can see and he just takes after her. He's probably immature because the pair of them treat him like he's 10 years old, rather than 19 years old.

OP posts:
Original poster
Roxette15 · 21/05/2015 11:42

Sorry meant to say the eldest doesn't realise his dad refers to him as being disabled as far as I know.

OP posts:
MitzyLeFrouf · 21/05/2015 11:42

Life with this man will always be about him and his problems. You need someone who will bring some joy to your life.

I'm not saying he's a bastard but I am saying you should leave him.

Mrsstarlord · 21/05/2015 11:43

Oh dear, your post is ringing all sorts of alarm bells for me.

It's one thing having a MH problem, accepting this and seeking help for it as you consider the future.

This man's MH problems seem deeper rooted than this, his thinking is inflexible and is already having an impact on you.

The sad thing is that he is currently unable to see beyond his own unhelpful patterns of thinking and behaviour, and the reality is that sadly you are damned if you do and damned if you don't, what I mean by this is that no matter what you do he will 'fit' this into his cognitive framework of how he sees the world. Entering into a marriage with him is a risky strategy.

Original poster
Roxette15 · 21/05/2015 11:44

Despite everything I do love him, and I was so exciited about our wedding and our future together but all this feels like it's robbing me of that. I feel like someone has come along and said "sorry but nope, you're not having your happy ever after this time".

OP posts:
NameChange30 · 21/05/2015 11:46

It's him saying that. Sorry OP, I know it sucks Sad

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 21/05/2015 11:47

The ironic thing is that he is actually ill. His health anxiety is a real illness but he keeps seeking treatment for the symptoms without ever attacking the cause.

One of the problems seems to be that it has made him very self absorbed. I can imagine that you come in and instead of him asking how you are he launches into a list of his symptoms, worries, treatment plans etc. It's not really a partnership.

NameChange30 · 21/05/2015 11:47

You could try giving him an ultimatum but I have a feeling he won't listen. He has to accept his diagnosis and want to change. There would be no point in him going through the motions to "please" you.

AlpacaMyBags · 21/05/2015 11:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gralick · 21/05/2015 11:53

"We've not known each other long" totally trivializes our entire relationship IMO, it implies that we're nothing special - just dating almost. The fact that he thinks I would just bugger off if he was diagnosed with something implies that that's how he sees our relationship - that if one of us got a better offer we'd be off like a shot ... ... If I'm ill he tends to be quite cold towards me and says "now you know how it feels when nobody believes you". ... If I got really ill I think he'd be awful.

I agree :( His anxiety about his own well-being is so consuming, there's no space for a balanced, caring relationship. I'm afraid that what you have here isn't a potential marriage. For better or worse, in your case, would mean you stand by him regardless, but not vice versa. As this stems from a serious mental illness which he will not acknowledge, there's no real hope of things improving here.

The man you marry should value the three years you've been together as precious and important, not discount them as irrelevant compared to his concerns about himself. That is the least you deserve.

Duckdeamon · 21/05/2015 11:53

Not a great basis for marriage. V weird about how he is about his DC.

DuncanQuagmire · 21/05/2015 11:56

he describes his child as 'disabled' when he isn't?
That is really really odd, OP, you know it.
that poor child.

Duckdeamon · 21/05/2015 11:58

Sounds like in your focus on "happy ever after" you might have missed some red flags about him.

Obviously the major health anxiety and refusal to seek help. His line on his ex W and divorce. His weird statements about his DC. Lack of concern for your wellbeing?