to want to take my 5yo abroad on holiday

[webman25]

Hi,

I have a dilemma with my daughter's mother, and I wish for honest opinions on the subject so either I can see the light, or the mum.

To cut a long story short, I wish to take my 5yo abroad, preferably somewhere hot where we can both enjoy. I can only afford one holiday a year, and would love to take her at the same time. However, her mum won't allow it.

She's given various reasons as to why, ie she would be too far away if something happens (bare in mind she has gone on her own holiday and left my daughter with me before) and it would be too hot for her, my daughter can't stand the heat. I must admit, my daughter has been known to be a right grump when it gets hot here, but where I plan to take her there are swimming pools and air con - . And theres' so much more to do to take her mind off the heat.

Now the mother will let me take her on holiday in the UK, and she allows me to see her every weekend - this is probably the only topic we have been at loggerheads about.

I don't think it's fair on both my daughter and me that because of the mums insecurities, we cannot have the experience of going away every summer. If its important ive never missed a maintenance payment, I do see her regularly and my names on the birth certificate. Basically, I feel I have earnt my right to go 50/50 on all things like this.

Please, am I right to be upset that I cannot take my own daughter abroad on holiday, or should I just pipe down as the mum is quite within her right to refuse this?

Many thanks in advance, Adam

In short I think you should be able to take her abroad

In comparison my cousin is separated from the father of her 4 year old and the last 2 years have involved both her and the father taking the little girl on holidays in the UK and abroad

Have you discussed with your daughter's mother her reasons for you not taking her abroad? Any measure that could be put in place? Such as you calling her during the holiday

she is right to be worried in my opinion. I hate the heat, and in fact, like a small but significant number of british whites, it lowers my red blood cell count. Your daughter could be the same. If she doesn't like it, she doesn't like it, and activities will not help one jot, and your disregard of her well being in this is quite concerning. The disregard in itself would make me question whether you could care for her adequately in a foreign country. Why not take her on Holiday in the UK, there are many lovely places here.

just a moot point but if she gets grumpy in heat why does it have to be somewhere hot? there are milllions of places to go where it would be normal uk heat or just well, normal?

I have to say charis has put more bluntly what I was thinking about re heat. somewhere we both can enjoy but she hates heat and I love it, so its heat its the sort of thing that would also make me question the true sincerity of wanting to give your dd a nice holiday.

Yanbu from what you have posted

She may feel anxious but that is for her to deal with. I felt ds first trip abroad shouldn't have been too far away as ds was a little worried how far he was going away from home without me this was agreed with his dad and I spoke to him everyday.

He has been on a few trips abroad now with his dad I chat to him in the morning and to say goodnight as I do when he is staying with his dad

I think most children don't really like the heat, that doesn't stop loads of "selfish" parents taking Dc abroad, where there's sea and pools and AC every year.

Op, I think you should be able to take her, but I also completely understand her mother's anxiety.

Yabu. You red is still young, there is plenty of time to go abroad with her when she is a bit older and can get more out of it. Why don't you just try and accept the wishes of your ex partner? She seems pretty accommodating re access other than gong abroad.

To me it sounds like this is about what you want not what's best for your dd.

Are you from UK? Is her mother worried you won't bring her back at all?

I would suggest a smaller trip and build up from there. Yes hear ex side but at the same time why on earth shouldnt she go away with her own father

ds has celtic genes and it shows strangely he is not one bit bothered by the heat when there is a pool around or he can go in the sea he likes to lay in the sun to dry off too (of course he has plenty of sun cream on and not for long) but if he is stuck in a car, here or abroad or we are shopping or doing something he is not interested in and it is hot then he will get tired and grouchy

Being hydrated (I force ds to drink water) sun cream and a hat makes being in heat far more comfortable

YANBU to want to take your DD on holiday but you are being a bit UR to opt for somewhere hot when you know your DD doesn't like the heat. I wonder if your ex would put aside her other objections if you opted for a holiday abroad that wasn't somewhere hot?

A hot and grumpy 5-yr-old isn't a good holiday companion so it sounds like it wouldn't be fun for either of you, and it may be that your ex in a roundabout way is trying to ensure you both enjoy your time together.

Would your ex compromise to a long weekend abroad?

Or alternatively a week abroad at a time of year where it isn't too hot in the country you go to?

Could you suggest a foreign holiday that isn't too hot, such as Netherlands, northern France etc?
If she thinks her DD would be too far away somewhere like Spain then what does she think about you taking her somewhere the other end of the country ie Scotland if you're in SE and vice versa.
Do you think the real issue is she doesn't want you taking her DD away on a foreign holiday as she wants to be the parent to take her away first, and can't afford it, or something like that?
I hope you manage to resolve this so everyone is happy.

YANBU at all, if you are proposing something like a week on the Algarve rather than a tour of the Middle East.

I think disliking the heat in the UK which is not set up to cater for it is totally normal and no reflection on how people feel about it when they have access to ac/pool/beach.

I think that Ilovechelseaflowershow has the right idea.

You can only prove insecurities as being unfounded through experience, but it's unreasonable for you to ride completely roughshod over your daughter's mother's concerns.

Thus the compromise is to start small and build it up gradually.

I don't know where you had been intending to go [Bermuda? Phuket? Sydney?] but much of France is closer than much of the UK, then maybe Spain or Italy the next year and onwards.

Agree that 'hot' in the UK and 'hot' with aircon and swimming pool is very different. Or even to get her used to the idea of overseas holiday, something like Eurocamp in France, or the european centre parcs might be a good compromise.

But, hot holiday as a single adult, and hot holiday with a small child that's not coping will be very different. You won't be able to go out for the day if you need to be in the aircon room for the hottest part o the day. She'll probably sleep for a lot of the afternoon (even at 5), then be up in the evenings/unsettled. No lazing by the pool with a book, but in the pool with her all the time.

Why not compromise and go during Easter or October half term when it's still comfortably hot in certain countries (mid 20's) but not boiling summer heat. Your dd will still enjoy it without being grumpy and you can still have your holiday abroad.

Legally you have full parental responsibility and thus each and every parenting decision is 50% yours and vice versa. That said, like others have said a holiday won't be a holiday for you, it will be very different with a child and especially if she is not going to tolerate hot weather. If you want to build memories etc then there is nothing wrong at all with a less far flung destination. I have vivid memories of a holiday in Ireland when I was 6. Start with a small break and see how it goes. Don't kid yourself you'll be getting a 'break' though, but agree that you should have a say in this as well, unless there are legitimate issues you haven't included in OP. But on face value, compromise with her mother and go somewhere for a shorter period of time and not very very far, but still in a plane or alternative mode of transport. (I also remember Danish legoland very fondly from age 5, and a trip to Norway at around the same age)

Not to put a dampener on it but if your DD is anything like I was as a DC then a pool and air-con won't make any difference. I remember being in Spain, aged 7, and just standing crying because I was so miserable (despite my sunhat, sunglasses, suntan lotion, being well hydrated, etc, etc). Some DCs just don't like the heat. If the OP's DD is one of them then he's better waiting until she's older.

Yabu

I would hate my 5 yr old to be in another country from me! Yes I am anxious but still. I think it is more important to keep a good relationship with the mum even if it is at small cost to yourself. It is best for your daughter too if you can carry on amicably. You get good access and can take her on holiday in UK. I would settle for that and not risk this, which many ex's would kill for. Many kids don't like the heat and many mums worry if kids are in another country. UK until older?

YANBU

Holidays abroad are all part of life's rich experience. Seeing other cultures, eating news foods etc is a wonderful opportunity to be able to have.

Why would you deny your child this?

My caveat on the heat is if your are going to northern Spain/France or similar, as long as you stay out of the midday sun I think you would be fine.

If you are going to Dubai/North Africa/Southern Europe for example at the height of summer then I think your ex has a fair point.

Please of children (or adults) 'don't like th heat' when they are stuck in school, shopping, doing something boring.

But most chikdren do like playing in the sea and being in and out of a pool, and it's normal and desirable to spend the mid day in a nice air con apartment having a rest.

Totally stupid reason to not go on holiday as long as you're not one of those God awful English people with their little blond chikdren out in the mid day Egyptian sun in 49 degrees.

I think YANBU and your ex is BU. However, you have a child together and her best interests are what is important.

Can you compromise and take your DD either in the half term holidays (when it is cooler) or to a northern European destination instead?

FWIW, I do think you should be able to take your DD on holiday to a hotter destination and I don't necessarily think you are being selfish, as others have suggested. My DC have been to Cyprus, Mexico and Cuba and, whilst the heat here can make them grumpy and irritable, they love being abroad!