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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to want to take my 5yo abroad on holiday

103 replies

webman25 · 20/05/2015 21:04

Hi,

I have a dilemma with my daughter's mother, and I wish for honest opinions on the subject so either I can see the light, or the mum.

To cut a long story short, I wish to take my 5yo abroad, preferably somewhere hot where we can both enjoy. I can only afford one holiday a year, and would love to take her at the same time. However, her mum won't allow it.

She's given various reasons as to why, ie she would be too far away if something happens (bare in mind she has gone on her own holiday and left my daughter with me before) and it would be too hot for her, my daughter can't stand the heat. I must admit, my daughter has been known to be a right grump when it gets hot here, but where I plan to take her there are swimming pools and air con - . And theres' so much more to do to take her mind off the heat.

Now the mother will let me take her on holiday in the UK, and she allows me to see her every weekend - this is probably the only topic we have been at loggerheads about.

I don't think it's fair on both my daughter and me that because of the mums insecurities, we cannot have the experience of going away every summer. If its important ive never missed a maintenance payment, I do see her regularly and my names on the birth certificate. Basically, I feel I have earnt my right to go 50/50 on all things like this.

Please, am I right to be upset that I cannot take my own daughter abroad on holiday, or should I just pipe down as the mum is quite within her right to refuse this?

Many thanks in advance, Adam

OP posts:
Original poster
webman25 · 22/05/2015 21:26

The sunburn was apparent after I dropped DD off at mums, not before, so I am unsure as to how bad it was. No blisters or skin peeling, or remaining sunburn the weekend after though.

I do get funny with you when you start sending constant messages about giving her calpol etc etc when she's poorly, Im a grown up and I hate seeing DD ill, naturally I will do everything I can to make her better. I hate that you would think otherwise.

Hlove I started the thread when you told me noone agreed that I should take her away, and I then thought I must be going mad. Athough some other posters have agreed with you, the majority agree that I should get the opportunity to take her on holiday.

You said I "might" be able to take her away next year, when you go on your honeymoon (ie. convenient for you), so I'll stick with that. Tonight you have made threats to move away, and if I carry on "it will all end in tears", so I will end it here, as it's not worth it.

Thanks everyone for your help :)

OP posts:
Original poster
webman25 · 22/05/2015 21:29

Oh and I must repeat, no competition. Sorry hlove for the bombardment of texts, but I got a bit desperate with the situation. I promise, it's stopped.

OP posts:
NeedsAsockamnesty · 22/05/2015 21:30

How manipulative op.

There is a reason why both parents have to give consent to take a child out of the UK. It's because you both have to agree.

One of you does not therefore you do not have the required consent.

Either stop pressuring the other parent and give up until after you have had a long weekend away at a cooler time or until next year as that is what she has consented to or stop pressuring her and get a court to decide.

Oh and it's not a slam dunk as people often imply it is. My ex is not allowed (court ordered) to attempt to remove our child from the UK, the child concerned has a health issue that is escalated by heat and sunlight and so far (15 years) dad has shown that he is not willing to take those issues seriously enough to manage his exposure and appropriately deal with the repercussions the court after hearing from us both agreed with me.

Original poster
webman25 · 22/05/2015 21:42

NeedsAsockamnesty I have already said Ive given up and the pressure on her will stop. Maybe I did go overboard, but I felt so passionately on the subject I just couldnt give up. Ive read the others advice and youll see before your post I said I'll relent.

I am really sorry to hear your son has such a health issue. However, thankfully DD is well, so Im not sure that's relevant to our case.

OP posts:
CycleChic · 22/05/2015 22:17

Is your dad planning on moving back to the UK/away from Turkey anytime soon? There will be other years that you could take your DD abroad (and next time, ask once and then leave it so your ex doesn't feel bombarded by you trying to pressure her)
btw, she's said "I have suggested maybe a long weekend to start with maybe abroad not in hottest months." in her first thing, so maybe look at good, cheap deals to places "abroad" that aren't too far from where you live.

Jackw · 22/05/2015 22:31

And this is why personal disagreements should not be conducted over the internet with an audience of strangers. Major screw up which has damaged an already fragile relationship. Fine to ask for advice, but sending the link to your ex was very poor judgement OP and has probably buggered any possibility of reasonable negotiation now.

Selks · 23/05/2015 00:40

I think you both need to withdraw from this thread now, OP.

catsandstuff · 23/05/2015 03:07

what's all this 'being away from her mum' talk? he's just as much as a father to her! ultimately, you share PR therefore if you do not object to your ex taking DD on holiday then neither should she.

Charis1 · 23/05/2015 04:42

The mother is the primary carer in this case, and in many cases, no amount of political correctness is gong to change that. There is a fundamental biological difference between the primary carer and the NRP as far as neurological development goes.

Atenco · 23/05/2015 05:27

From the start I felt that we are really not in a position to judge and the OP should try to maintain the good relationship he has with his dd's mother, which is very fortunate and valuable rather than force the issue. I am sorry, OP, but the important person here is your dd who needs you both to get on well.

My ex wanted to take my dd to the beach when she was 3 and I wouldn't let him. In my case it was because I didn't trust him to look after her near the ocean. It was a very well-founded fear but I didn't tell him that as somethings are better left unsaid

DuelingFanjo · 23/05/2015 05:35

Ah, so there we go.

ItsRainingInBaltimore · 23/05/2015 06:04

I would have agreed with your ex if she hadn't gone on holiday abroad without her DD herself - that kind of blows all of her arguments out of the water.

She is being unreasonable and controlling, just because she can. Unless she has genuine reason to fear that you might abscond and not return the child to the UK I am on your side here.

Timetoask · 23/05/2015 06:05

The child's mother is being completely paranoid. The op sounds like a decent father who should be allowed to take his child on holiday (provided he's not the sort that would kidnap her permanently which clearly is not the case here).
To the Op's ex: you are being cruel.

thecertaintyofchance · 23/05/2015 07:03

Maybe a 3 day break in Disneyland Paris on the autumn/ spring as a starter?

CrabbyTheCrabster · 23/05/2015 08:22

hlove you are being very unreasonable. He is as much a parent to your daughter as you are, and it's not fair to let your anxieties impact on their relationship.

I let my ex take our daughter away when she was 5. I was petrified that something would go wrong, and there were a couple of near misses (she wandered off the boat they were staying on! Shock ) and she got sunburned Hmm. He made mistakes and learned from them. That's what parents do. Despite this, she had a fantastic time, they had wonderful experiences together and he's taken her on many holidays since. I worry every time he takes her away, but that's my issue - I would never say no because he's taken her to some fantastic places and she's had experiences that she would never have had with me.

You are not the only parent!

youarekiddingme · 23/05/2015 08:34

How is the mother "pretty accommodating re access" Confused

He's her father, he has half the rights and shares responsibility. Pays for the child and is having a good relationship with her.

YANBU. I say that as a LP.

Heat abroad is different to heat in UK. Plus it could easily be 25° in the UK if you took a holiday here. Places a road are generally more set up for hotter weather and somewhere like the Balearics, France Spain etc don't have weathers that different to ours. Greece, Turkey - the Caribbean! Yes, those are places where your love of heat and hot weather would matter!

I'm afraid IMO your Ex needs to get over it.

Numtum · 23/05/2015 09:09

I actually don't think the Mum is in the wrong here.

She has asked him to start slower, cooler months, shorter period. She's shown willing to compromise. The OP wants it his way or no way and sending her this link was obtuse.

I think he knew fine well this would upset her. And no wonder.

To the OPs ex, given your feelings I would apply for a passport yourself and keep it in a safe place.

Charlotte3333 · 23/05/2015 09:39

My ex asked when DS1 was 3 if he could take him abroad. I refused that time because Ex wasn't in a great place, out drinking most evenings, taking DS1 to pubs often (and I know I'm a control freak, but my biggest fear was that he'd take DS1 to pubs abroad). He'd planned a week in Ibiza with his DP of 2 months in August and I felt it wasn't the right time or place for DS1. Ex agreed after some negotiations and has since taken DS1 on regular holidays.

I'm not saying either party is right or wrong but sometimes the RP has to be the one making the sensible decisions while the NRP gets to just have fun. That was very much how it felt when DS1 was young. His Dad and I get on very well now and have a mutually respectful relationship which works well for DS1. But it's taken us a good while to reach this point with some growing up on both sides done.

I think you dropped a huge bollock op when you sent the link to your DD's Mum. Start small and work your way up towards a weeks holiday perhaps?

CrabbyTheCrabster · 23/05/2015 09:48

To the OPs ex, given your feelings I would apply for a passport yourself and keep it in a safe place.

Shock How fucking outrageous that you think it's ok for the mother to have sole parental choice and keep the passport from the father! Angry He has equal parental responsibility ffs.

Numtum · 23/05/2015 10:34

I actually believe that the RP should be the one to hold the passport regardless. For many reasons.

Outrageous, meh, I'm not bothered. If I didn't want my daughter leaving the country for the reasons above your damn right I would make sure it wasn't happening.

MNHQ
DawnMumsnet · 23/05/2015 12:18

Hi all,

Thanks for your reports about this thread.

webman25, it's fine for you to ask for opinions on this, but we don't really think it's a good idea for you and your ex to both be posting on the thread - things can quite quickly descend into a public slanging match.

Now you've had some advice and opinions, maybe it's time to try to settle this off the boards.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 23/05/2015 15:47

He's her father, he has half the rights and shares responsibility. Pays for the child and is having a good relationship with her

People who bang on about parents right rarely understand that the parents don't have any. 100% of the rights are the childs the parents only have responsibilities

NeedsAsockamnesty · 23/05/2015 15:53

shock How fucking outrageous that you think it's ok for the mother to have sole parental choice and keep the passport from the father! angry He has equal parental responsibility

I would quite happily keep hold of all my children's passports should they go live elsewhere then I woukd hand them over to the other parent (assuming that's where they went to live) if you are the RP it's perfectly acceptable for you to keep them.

CrabbyTheCrabster · 24/05/2015 09:31

But she didn't mean keep the passport as in look after it, Sock, she means keep it so that the father can't take the child abroad.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 24/05/2015 09:39

And? It's fairly safe to say that if she wanted to consent to it she would hand it over and not hand it over if she didn't.

That's the entire point. If you feel that someone is going to attempt to illegally ignore a consent requirement then its sensible to prevent that happening.

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