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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to want to take my 5yo abroad on holiday

103 replies

webman25 · 20/05/2015 21:04

Hi,

I have a dilemma with my daughter's mother, and I wish for honest opinions on the subject so either I can see the light, or the mum.

To cut a long story short, I wish to take my 5yo abroad, preferably somewhere hot where we can both enjoy. I can only afford one holiday a year, and would love to take her at the same time. However, her mum won't allow it.

She's given various reasons as to why, ie she would be too far away if something happens (bare in mind she has gone on her own holiday and left my daughter with me before) and it would be too hot for her, my daughter can't stand the heat. I must admit, my daughter has been known to be a right grump when it gets hot here, but where I plan to take her there are swimming pools and air con - . And theres' so much more to do to take her mind off the heat.

Now the mother will let me take her on holiday in the UK, and she allows me to see her every weekend - this is probably the only topic we have been at loggerheads about.

I don't think it's fair on both my daughter and me that because of the mums insecurities, we cannot have the experience of going away every summer. If its important ive never missed a maintenance payment, I do see her regularly and my names on the birth certificate. Basically, I feel I have earnt my right to go 50/50 on all things like this.

Please, am I right to be upset that I cannot take my own daughter abroad on holiday, or should I just pipe down as the mum is quite within her right to refuse this?

Many thanks in advance, Adam

OP posts:
GreenAugustLion · 22/05/2015 03:38

No passport, need mum's signature and I'm not gonna get that for coffee!!!

Er...no you don't. Only one parent with PR is required to sign a passport.

anyoldnameforathread · 22/05/2015 10:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SaucyJack · 22/05/2015 10:17

YANBU. What you do with your daughter when she is in your care should be your decision.

I would not appreciate my ex dictating to me where I can and can't take my own children, and I afford him the same respect in return.

sparechange · 22/05/2015 10:43

Why don't you get her a passport? You are her parent, with PR...

YANBU, and as you have pointed out, your ex's reasons are irrational. But if she is an irrational person, you might have a struggle getting her to see that.

Original poster
webman25 · 22/05/2015 17:35

Anyoldnameforathread, her concerns so far have been the heat, that she'll be too far away if something went wrong, and she has also mentioned that she thinks I won't communicate every day once I'm out there.

She has no worry about me going and staying away, I have family here that I couldn't leave.

I always communicate with her, though sometimes I can take an hour to respond to a text message, so I can't see why this is a concern. Though I understand thear are all my words you have to go on.

I'm tempted to pass her the link to this thread, just to prove that I'm not unreasonable for wanting to take her away.

There's no point in getting the passport if the mum won't let me take her away.

OP posts:
Original poster
webman25 · 22/05/2015 17:37

When I say about passign the link to her, it's not to rub it in her face. She'll have the opportunity to give her side if she feels the need to

OP posts:
Original poster
webman25 · 22/05/2015 18:02

Ok so passed the linked to the mum, the response, "I don't give a shit I'm not reading that".

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 22/05/2015 18:14

Sad She sounds quite hostile. Why do you think she would say she feels like that?

Also, I probably would have counseled against linking to the thread. One of the reasons men sometimes get a hard time on here when they ask for advice is that this is predominately a site used by women. A man asking for advice, then linking smacks of, "look all the other women think you are wrong". Particularly if she uses MN for advice herself.

Selks · 22/05/2015 18:18

I bet she does read it, curiosity will get the better of her.

nellieellie · 22/05/2015 18:58

I would tread carefully. When my DCs were that age, I couldnt have coped with them being so far away to be honest. Your daughters mum has been fine about contact so far, so this maybe just one step too far. Yes, it should be about the child's opportunities, not an anxious mothers worries, but when we have children with someone, we rarely anticipate that we will be apart from our partners, and that these situations will arise. Talk to her. See how she feels. Give it a year or so. The most important thing in your daughters life is that her parents communicate with each other with respect, and remain in agreement about contact issues. Your ex partner may seem unreasonable to you, but she is your child's mother and this may just be too much for her to cope with.

Original poster
webman25 · 22/05/2015 19:16

Nellieellie I have tried talking to her, and being rational. But I cannot begin to explain the responses I get. At the end of the day, all I am doing is asking to take my daughter away, and when she says no I be asked why and she's either given the reasons I said above, or she has just said you just can't.

I'm not making threats, despite her sending me some. I'm not sure how I can tread more carefully

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 22/05/2015 19:42

As you are currently so amicable in every other way why not suggest she join you at the time share, after all it will only cost her the flight and that way she might feel better about it?

Original poster
webman25 · 22/05/2015 19:48

I think her fiance might be against that

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 22/05/2015 19:58

Invite him too. What ever is good for your daughter. How much room is there at the time share?

SaucyJack · 22/05/2015 20:04

I was under the impression that the mum was perfectly happy to have the child that far away from her when it was her on holiday.....

NeedsAsockamnesty · 22/05/2015 20:11

Issue aware that you can prevent her taking the child on holiday outside of the UK as well?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 22/05/2015 20:12

Ahhhh is she

hlove · 22/05/2015 20:56

I am the ex of webman85.

Ok would like to say I have not said he can't take our daughter away, i said maybe next year I would just feel she that bit older and she would appreciate it more, she doesn’t really like the heat, also she tends to get chest related problems which is getting better with age. It’s a different country food and drink different and i worry she may get ill usual concerns a mother in this situation would have,

I have a few reasons why I am anxious about her dad taking her away.......she has come back sunburnt after being at her dads in uk (home), also if she is ill he insists in still having DD which is fine, but he gets funny with me if I give advise which sometimes leads to him ignoring me which does my make me feel on edge and upsets me which leads to arguments. I have suggested maybe a long weekend to start with maybe abroad not in hottest months.

I just feel I am made out to be the bad one by him and its some sort of competition i just don’t have the time for it I just want to get on. This is just making me dislike him I want to get on for DD's sake.

Original poster
webman25 · 22/05/2015 21:08

Her shoulders were a bit pink, I was caught unaware by the British weather. I fucked up, but Ive learnt my lesson and I have cream on me car waiting for the next flash of sun we get.

You go abroad, you instinctively pile on the cream.

No competition, I just wish to take DD abroad, that's all I am asking.

OP posts:
Bunnyjo · 22/05/2015 21:12

OP's ex - firstly report your post to remove your DD's name.

Secondly, why shouldn't your ex have DD when she is ill? And why do you think you are better placed to advise him? Surely you could say "DD has been unwell and I have given her calpol/nurofen an hour ago..." and leave him to make decisions on his DD's health?

With regards to the sunburn, how bad was it? My DC have returned home pinky-red from school despite having 8hr factor 50 on (and in their bags to reapply) and having Mediterranean skin.

Lastly, my DD has asthma and needs steroids on top of inhalers. She has been abroad to Cuba, Mexico and Cyprus without issue and I would trust DH to care for her in my absence. I think the chest issue is a red herring.

I completely understand why you are anxious, but if the tables were turned, how would you feel if he blocked you from going abroad with your DD?

Snoozybird · 22/05/2015 21:14

Hlove he is her parent as much as you are and he has the right to parent his daughter without you micromanaging their relationship.

He would you feel if he returned your daughter to you after contact then insisted on giving you "advice" on the best way to do things? I'm sure you'd tell him to butt out. Sorry but YABU.

NoNameDame · 22/05/2015 21:17

Of course you should take her, has the mum ever taken her anywhere hot?

Also the mum can't claim anxiety when she has willingly (possibly repeatedly?) gone anyway and made it that she is hours in a plane away from her daughter.

The mother needs to deal with her anxiety and you deserve to take your daughter on holiday.

This is assuming that your daughter won't suddenly blister / throw a tantrum in the heat. I have no idea how my dd would react to heat but it's a pretty safe bet than ice cream, pool, air con, fun activities etc will take her mind off any uncomfortableness.

Unless the mum doesn't let her outside on hot days then I can't see a problem with you going somewhere mid 20s

hlove · 22/05/2015 21:21

I really don’t think I am the bad one in all of this he has DD basically whenever he wants her I include him in everything birthday parties, parents eve, sports day etc.. I am even coming back from family holiday from Wales early so he can take her to a wedding. I just cant cope with being bombarded with texts about taking her away.. I got this thread after a very busy day at work just stepped out the door to come home then I am expected to not react to it and he happy about it, he said see most people agree with me!! its not a competition!!

NoNameDame · 22/05/2015 21:21

I didn't see the mum had commented Blush

NoNameDame · 22/05/2015 21:24

Hlove - I would let him take her, your going to eventually. But you'll probably keep saying next year or keep giving him advice when unless he's an imbecile he probably knows enough about how to take care of her.

You will always think he's not as good as you but it sounds like she is quite young and you are struggling to let go of some responsibility.

Do you honestly think in 10 years time you will look back and regret letting him do this or if you don't will you look back in 10 years and think why was I so uptight about it?

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