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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to still judge someone by how they behaved at school

103 replies

balletnotlacrosse · 15/05/2015 12:39

A friend from school is a cousin of another girl who was in our year at school. She was a nasty piece of work in school, always sneering at other people, putting people down and genuinely acting as if she was better than others - with nothing to back it up, I mean she wasn't particularly talented, clever, good looking, sporty or anything like that.

Anyhow, that was all years ago. I'm still in contact with my friend and now and again she invites me along to something that her cousin will be attending. I always make an excuse as I just get the horrors at the thought of meeting this person again and having her look me up and down and make some disdainful, disguised as polite, comment.

AIBU to still judge her like this? My friend never really saw the nasty side of her cousin, even though everyone else did, so there's no point in asking her if she's changed in the intervening years. I sometimes feel silly, still avoiding someone I haven't seen since we were teenagers, but at the same time I just hate the thought of having to spend an evening with her.

OP posts:
SaucyJack · 15/05/2015 12:40

YANBU.

Saucy Remembers.

WorraLiberty · 15/05/2015 12:41

YANBU if you don't want to meet her.

But some people really do grow up and change.

I know some don't, but some do.

ChampagneBabyCakes · 15/05/2015 12:43

I think you are probably right to avoid, very little chance her character has changed completely! You could give her a chance if you think it would make social organisation easier with your friend, but don't expect her to be a completely different person!

OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 15/05/2015 12:43

The girl who bullied me relentlessly throughout school wormed her way into my circle of friends. We're all adults but I still can't look at her face without wanting to punch it - I really can't help it, she made my life absolute hell and pretty much ruined my chances of getting any decent GCSEs. I'll never forgive her. Not that she's apologised.

I decline whenever I'm invited out and I know she'll be there. If you're petty OP, then so am I! Thanks

BathtimeFunkster · 15/05/2015 12:44

YANBU

People never change or grow up after the age of 17.

Also, being a teenager is really easy and everybody is having a great time, so there is no excuse for any kind of bad behaviour.

It's interesting that you hated her so much for being critical and sherry, but are extremely bitchy about a teenage girl in your post, and you appear to be an adult now.

Just goes to show, I guess.

LaurieFairyCake · 15/05/2015 12:47

What you on Bathtime? Hmm

The OP is being critical about behaviour in the past, she's not criticising a teenage girl while being an adult - she was a teenager so suffered that behaviour

MrsGentlyBenevolent · 15/05/2015 12:48

There was a girl in my year, full on Queen Bitch. Though everyone was beneath her, looked like she constantly smelt a shit somewhere. Was particularly nasty to me, to be honest I was total bully fodder anyway. Other people from school, I could understand, it was a big place and dog eat dog, but she was just a special case of nasty. A few years later, she was working with a family member. She never changed, apparently was caught trying to bully a senior colleague. I can forgive and forget most of the time, but if I have someone down as absolutely rotten, there's no changing my mind.

OstentatiousBreastfeeder · 15/05/2015 12:48

Bathtime was your post written by two different people? Confused

Minisoksmakehardwork · 15/05/2015 12:50

Hmm. I'd love to say yabu. But then I think back to my teenage years and how a group of my peers made me feel... Nope. Can't say I'd choose to spend time with them willingly.

But I know that is my problem. I'm a completely different person now to what I was then, stands to reason on the whole, some of those people would have changed significantly too.

Were you directly sneered at/criticised etc? If so, see it as a chance to be the better person and know that you are secure in who you are. If they're not changed, well chances are they won't and at least you know.

If you weren't directly criticised, chances are you may still be left alone. So why miss out on something you would enjoy for maybes.

BarbarianMum · 15/05/2015 12:51

Yes and no.

I met the girl who bullied me quite badly at secondary school again some years ago. She was completely different - happy, relaxed, chatty, friendly. Looking back it was clear that she was very unhappy at school and really blossomed on leaving (not that I knew or cared at the time, I just wanted to get away from her).

Anyway, in my case, meeting her again was positive and allowed me to move on mentally. I guess I 'forgave' her, although she didn't ask me to. That said, I am not comfortable in her company and so am careful not to be in it.

So, yes I maybe you are unreasonable if you think people can never change. On the other hand, I could quite understand you never wanting to put her to the test.

BathtimeFunkster · 15/05/2015 12:52

nothing to back it up, I mean she wasn't particularly talented, clever, good looking, sporty or anything like that.

What a charming way to describe a teenage girl.

LittleIda · 15/05/2015 12:53

Yanbu. There are enough people in the world to be friends with without having to hob nob with people who have made you unhappy. They may have become a saintly adult, but you get to choose who you meet up with and no one else

IWillOnlyEatBeans · 15/05/2015 12:53

YANBU. I steer well clear of people who bullied me at school. I have no desire to spend time with them at all!

I am sure some of them may have changed and be lovely adults, but I don't care enough to find out.

Janethegirl · 15/05/2015 12:56

They were both teenagers at the same time Bathtime

Original poster
balletnotlacrosse · 15/05/2015 12:57

Sorry Bathtime, maybe I worded that badly. I meant that she wasn't any more pretty, talented etc than the rest of us so I couldn't understand why she would adopt a superior attitude.

OP posts:
CupidStuntSurvivor · 15/05/2015 12:57

I'm with you OP. There was a girl in school who took to throwing text books at the back of my head while the teacher was looking away. I wouldn't give her the time of day if I ended up in a social situation with her now, not before some form of humility was shown on her part. Because if I was that big a twat in high school and came across someone today who I'd been a twat to back then, I'd apologise. Expecting someone to ignore the fact that you made their life hell isn't on.

Daisy17 · 15/05/2015 12:58

I'm with Bathtime, whose post for those who hadn't noticed was heavily ironic..... Give her a chance, there may have been reasons why her behaviour at the time was as it was. Teenage years are so hard, more so for some. And if she is still awful then you can tell your friend so and never have to see her again......

Beboldbestrong · 15/05/2015 12:58

I'd try it just once, just to see if she's still the same way. It could be awkward but at least you'd know for sure!

BathtimeFunkster · 15/05/2015 13:02

Did she bully you?

Because it sounds like you just didn't like her.

I think it's ridiculous to presume she won't have grown up and changed.

Are you the same as you were as a teenager?

Minesril · 15/05/2015 13:02

"I look back across the years at Mugsy, the boy, and I see nothing that encourages me to fraternise with Mugsy, the man."

--Lord Ickenham

BathtimeFunkster · 15/05/2015 13:04

Good point, you don't really want to be like that pompous dickhead, do you?

angelos02 · 15/05/2015 13:05

I'd give her a chance...but only one. I would imagine it wouldn't take long to size up whether she has changed or not. IME people don't really change.

AmberLav · 15/05/2015 13:05

I'd try once, if only to confirm the original opinion... You never know, she might have improved, some people do. That being said, I've never really met anyone who has changed that much, but you never know...

helenahandbag · 15/05/2015 13:08

There was a girl I met when we went to high school and she seemed alright at first but one day, around two years after we met, she suddenly decided that she didn't like me and turned a whole group of horrible rough girls on me. She personally attacked me twice, she had two other girls randomly attack me on school property and someone I'd never seen before set fire to my hair in the queue for lunch. This went on for two years until she got pregnant at 16 and left school and I refused to leave my house if it wasn't vitally important, my hair fell out in clumps and I wouldn't get the school bus out of fear so I walked the 2mi there and back every day, come rain or shine.

I recently found her on facebook and she sounds exactly the same. She has had three more children since then and there were posts about how anyone who spoke about her kids or her parenting would "get their cunt kicked in" - delightful. Even though I'm now 25, I felt shaky and nervous just looking at photos of her. I'd be happy never to see her again in my life.

OnlyLovers · 15/05/2015 13:09

I understand how you feel (I was bullied) but I think YABU to not even give her a chance.

It's a long time ago, and you need only see her once to decide either way.