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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to still judge someone by how they behaved at school

103 replies

balletnotlacrosse · 15/05/2015 12:39

A friend from school is a cousin of another girl who was in our year at school. She was a nasty piece of work in school, always sneering at other people, putting people down and genuinely acting as if she was better than others - with nothing to back it up, I mean she wasn't particularly talented, clever, good looking, sporty or anything like that.

Anyhow, that was all years ago. I'm still in contact with my friend and now and again she invites me along to something that her cousin will be attending. I always make an excuse as I just get the horrors at the thought of meeting this person again and having her look me up and down and make some disdainful, disguised as polite, comment.

AIBU to still judge her like this? My friend never really saw the nasty side of her cousin, even though everyone else did, so there's no point in asking her if she's changed in the intervening years. I sometimes feel silly, still avoiding someone I haven't seen since we were teenagers, but at the same time I just hate the thought of having to spend an evening with her.

OP posts:

Arrowminta · 15/05/2015 18:25

I saw someone in the street who hit me at school. I told my other friend and she said she isn't nice even now. This was 40 years ago. I've never forgotten it. YANBU.

CamelHump · 15/05/2015 18:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Purplepixiedust · 15/05/2015 18:26

Yanbu.

I had a facebook friend request from a woman who bullied me a lot at school and was a complete bitch. Why would she even ask?! No love, I don't want to be your 'friend'!

Bean89 · 15/05/2015 18:29

I was a total dickhead at school. I was a bully and just generally awful. I was suffering from crippling depression at the time however, and have made big changes in my life since. I can now comfortably say I am a totally different person. In fact I try to be especially kind to by way of repenting I suppose.

Branleuse · 15/05/2015 18:30

ive forgiven a lot of the people who were low level bullies at school, but theres one I will never forgive. I hope he dies a horrible death

Psycobabble · 15/05/2015 18:37

I saw a girl on a night out who bullied me and made my life hell I was drunk and started calling her a bulling prick amongst other things and asked her to "come bully me now" ( much more self confident than I ever was at school ) not my finest moment but she crapped herself haha

Didn't really make me feel better though

Mousefinkle · 15/05/2015 18:38

Oh god I was awful at school. I wouldn't say I was necessarily nasty to people and I certainly never bullied anyone but I did some horrible and embarrassing things (dying my hair green was probably the least embarrassing of the lot!).

I'd hate to be judged now by who I was then! Most people grow up, mature and change so much. Who you are as a 15 year old is a very different person to who you are at 25. So I think YABU. At least give the adult her a chance and if she's still a dick then you're vindicated. She might be lovely now!

solidarityplease · 15/05/2015 18:59

I'd say YANBU OP.

I now live next door to someone who went to school with my life long best friend. She bullied her and many, many others relentlessly and was an awful person.

She still is. She may have 'grown up' but she still displays many of the same characteristics that she had as a teenager.
She has absolutely no regard for the feelings of others, she is the most inconsiderate neighbour I have ever had the misfortune of living next to.

I often hear her and her equally vile partner through the walls, laughing away at something. They both have the laugh of someone who is ripping the piss out of someone. Irrational I know, but she is still a bitch.

Of course there are some people who will grow out of nasty behaviour, or may have been easily led, however in the extreme cases, I really do believe that there must be something fairly embedded in someone's character to make them so awful.

OnlyLovers · 15/05/2015 19:06

Genuine question to those saying 'YANBU' and that people never change etc.

Do you really truly believe that there's little to no chance that people DO change or that this person in this case is nicer now? And that it's not worth the OP spending one evening with her to find out?

Again, genuine question and if I sound anything other than just asking, I apologise.

PeachyPants · 15/05/2015 19:11

At 17 I was a right bitch, I was part of a group of 'mean girls' and we took the piss out of other people but were also horrible to each other. I remember being so afraid that I would be the one to be turned on next that I was always on the attack (metaphorically I wasn't ever violent). It wasn't until I went to university that I realised that female friendships could be supportive and that not everyone operated with a pack mentality. I feel really bad about some of the things I did and have mellowed now but in adulthood I've also met lots of people who were involved in a lot of criminal activities when they were teenagers but have changed completely. The woman you describe could be wildly different to who she was at 17.

solidarityplease · 15/05/2015 19:14

I think it is of course possible people cam change. Equally possible they haven't.

Surely this person can remember back to how she treated people. If she was a truly changed person, She would have the remorse to apologise to people whose lives she made a misery if their paths happened to cross.

There was a programme on recently, I can't recall the name, where people try to find important people from their past.
A chap who was a horrible bully at school tried to track down one of his victims to apologise for making his life hell some 20 years earlier.

He had obviously changed, but still (rightly so IMHO) felt responsible enough for his behaviour to apologise.

There's always facebook if you have a conscience.

RolandRat · 15/05/2015 19:26

YANBU to not meet with her as you have no duty to. You are however wasting a lot of time, energy and emotion avoiding her. Go to an event she is at and if she turns out still to be stuck up then avoid her from then on.

To everybody banging on about how people never change, please build a bridge and get over it. People can and do change, sometimes for the better and sometimes not. But having such a negative attitude helps nobody, including yourselves. Imagine of our mums held every shitty comment we made as teenagers against us!!

And finally please can all those so shocked by Bathtimefunkster posts grow a sense of humour! Her comments are both witty and TRUE.

maddening · 15/05/2015 19:26

One friend who I was at school with suffered the wrath of a clique - they were horrible to her - she has bad memories of school.

She since came in to contact with one of them and is now best friends - the cliquey woman was one of bridesmaids, another couple of them were at her wedding - she says she never would have expected it - circumstances brought her back in contact and formed a firm friendship, odd life sometimes!

GraysAnalogy · 15/05/2015 19:31

There's a lad who used to bully me at school, used to spit at me, hit me all sorts.

A few years later when I 'blossomed' aka I got pretty, we found we had mutual friends and he came on a day out with us. He was all over me trying to talk to me and I literally had to refrain from punching him.

It wasn't that long ago that he messaged me saying he's so glad I'd done well for myself etc. I didn't reply. Although I think in part why I had done well for myself is down to people like him who bullied me.

silverglitterpisser · 15/05/2015 19:42

Of course people can n do change but, in my experience, the person is formed by the time they r a teenager n no major personality change will occur after that.

Went to a school reunion a few years ago. The people who'd been lovely in school had remained so, the people who'd been take it or leave it types for me ie not lovely but not evil were perfectly pleasant and the women who'd been utter bitches stood in a clique sneering at n making fun of everyone, even reducing the organiser to tears with their faux whispers about her weight. This reunion took place when we were all 37/38 but it really was like being back on the playground.

Yeah, for me, they don't change. I'd swerve her OP, u don't owe her a second chance or glance.

Sazzle41 · 16/05/2015 13:14

She wont have changed, but i wouldnt avoid her. Just look at her with fresh eyes and realise she is quite sad. Bullies usually are.

I met by accident, 5yrs later, in a pub, the guy who bullied me for being a plain 15 yr old. By then I'd got contact lenses, the spots had gone & I'd learnt how to dress for my size 10 figure (those were the days!). He was mortified. I was icily polite. He hadn't changed, still inadequate and a coward. It was cathartic. as his bullying really had an effect, i had panic attacks, felt total fear every time i saw him. 5yrs later he had no job, no friends and lived with his nan. When he saw me, a happy attractive 20yr old, he fell apart. Sad really.

fortyfide · 16/05/2015 13:31

school can be just a phase. But it sometimes points to the grown up

AGirlCalledBoB · 16/05/2015 13:34

YANBU I know people do grow up and change. I am different to how I was at school.

There was a girl I went to school with who was a right bully. She used to pretend to be friends with a girl with learning difficulties and then at break time would run and hide from the girl and take the piss out of her looking.

Anyway she would be in her 20s now and while I am sure I hopeshe has changed, in my mind I could not forget was a nasty spiteful girl she used to be.

Hassled · 16/05/2015 13:45

I think those teenage bullies all had a reason as to why they behaved the way they did. And yes, of course some of them could just be horrible people but on MN alone I've read enough accounts of people who regret how they used to behave (and who had reasons as to why they behaved badly - bullied themselves, no control over home life so a need to control elsewhere) to know that you can't just judge on past behaviour by default - there's always more to it.

Panzee · 16/05/2015 13:51

I don't think I was always that nice as a young teenager, and had my moments as an older one too. I know I'm a much better person now, and am often embarrassed about how I used to be. There was one girl who I didn't get on with, I forget why, and although I don't think I went out of my way to be mean I never tried to include her either. Was that bullying? Does she still care? I really hope not!

Trills · 16/05/2015 14:14

I think you've made the right decision to meet her at least once

You're not even deliberately "meeting" her, you're just not missing out on an event when she will be there.

I do think it was a bit silly of you to poibt out that she was not especially X, Y, or Z at school If she was pretier or leverer or better at art than you, would that make it OK to be badly behaved? No. So why's it relevant?

Fatmomma99 · 16/05/2015 14:15

This is an interesting thread. I would be erring towards recommending you give her a chance, Ballet. Unless the thought of her gives you sweaty palms or sleepless nights.

Because not only may she have changed, but the likelihood is that you will see how far YOU have come too.

Good luck if you decide to do it.

Meerka · 16/05/2015 16:01

It's nice that you're going to give her a chance but I really understand your reservations.

The touch of fear that you feel around sneering or bullying people isn't something you forget. Even if you weren't directly on the end of it yourself, you know you could so easily be.

If you were on the end of it, well. But it's only human to remember and avoid a "noxious stimulus" as someone put it, even it was a very long time ago.

bigbumtheory · 16/05/2015 16:40

Glad you are giving a chance OP, just have a 'get out' so if she is awful you can call her on it and leave without worrying- don't go miles away or anything where you might feel it hard to get back alone.

Some people can change but I've equally known people who've got worse. Usually it's the peoples who've always been pandered too who are worse, while the ones learning they aren't the center of the universe and having their egos shattered have done.

Original poster

balletnotlacrosse · 16/05/2015 22:34

Thanks for all the replies. I'm going to go to a birthday with a nought next week that she will be at. Hopefully she will be nice and pleasant. If not, I will just give a sharp retort and walk away.

OP posts:

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