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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to still judge someone by how they behaved at school

103 replies

balletnotlacrosse · 15/05/2015 12:39

A friend from school is a cousin of another girl who was in our year at school. She was a nasty piece of work in school, always sneering at other people, putting people down and genuinely acting as if she was better than others - with nothing to back it up, I mean she wasn't particularly talented, clever, good looking, sporty or anything like that.

Anyhow, that was all years ago. I'm still in contact with my friend and now and again she invites me along to something that her cousin will be attending. I always make an excuse as I just get the horrors at the thought of meeting this person again and having her look me up and down and make some disdainful, disguised as polite, comment.

AIBU to still judge her like this? My friend never really saw the nasty side of her cousin, even though everyone else did, so there's no point in asking her if she's changed in the intervening years. I sometimes feel silly, still avoiding someone I haven't seen since we were teenagers, but at the same time I just hate the thought of having to spend an evening with her.

OP posts:
WitchesGlove · 15/05/2015 14:03

YNBU.

However, I would give her one chance, and if she is rude/sneering, call her on it loudly and publicly.

It'll make you feel better and might help your friend to realise.

Incidentally, I saw some bullies at a school reunion last year. I didn't care, what can they do to me now? And they acted perfectly polite and okay.

fourchetteoff · 15/05/2015 14:04

@Foraret - that's crazy. I guess in her mind you humiliated her with brastrap-gate and you became the 'bully'. Glad you made peace with her.

@Ballet - I think that sounds like a good plan. Apart from anything, it will be really interesting to see how she has changed. As said, i was amazed at how genuinely nice my bully was. (And also to see that she didn't look like she was an extra in Desperately Seeking Susan).
I'm not the same person I was at school (shy, bowl haircut and lots of corduroy) as I transformed during 6th form and uni, so I guess we can all change.

Eigg · 15/05/2015 14:05

Very sensible Ballet.

OnlyLovers · 15/05/2015 14:08

No, I see what point Bathtime is making.

It doesn't matter what the characteristic is. The assumption that she's still unpleasant is just that – a baseless assumption. If you assumed someone who was shy or had BO at school was still like that now, again you'd be making a baseless assumption.

BathtimeFunkster · 15/05/2015 14:14

The point is just that teenagers grow up into middle aged women who might be very different from the people they were at school.

Just because you didn't like someone much when they were far from fully formed doesn't mean they aren't worth knowing in adult form.

Teenagers who are bitchy and put other people down are usually not having a great time themselves.

This was a girl who wasn't pretty, wasn't clever, wasn't talented in any notable way.

Presumably she knew that as well as anybody.

What was happening at home? Who were her friends? Who looked out for her?

To me this is very little different from refusing to meet a child who teased you at primary school.

Or a toddler who snatched your toys at nursery.

Her behaviour at school was probably more than half her lifetime ago.

Judging her as a bad person based on your own teenage perceptions says a great deal more about you than it does about her.

This is a woman you knew as a girl.

You don't know her now. Any more than she knows you.

steppemum · 15/05/2015 14:21

I think some people really do change and move on.

I would always give someone the opportunity to show that they have grown up.
If they prove to be the same, fine, I won't meet them again.

However, if I had been bullied by someone, I would also reserve the right to not meet them

Psycobabble · 15/05/2015 14:27

Bathtimefunkster

That's a COMPLETELY different situation Hmm

Original poster
balletnotlacrosse · 15/05/2015 14:30

Bathtime

I didn't say she wasn't pretty or clever etc. I said she wasn't especially any of those things, over and above everyone else so I couldn't understand why she looked down on people. She had a few friends and a normal homelife afaik- she lived near me, my sister knew her sister, her mum occasionally helped out with things at the school and her cousin was my best friend.

Anyway, as I said, I will give it a go.

OP posts:
FayKorgasm · 15/05/2015 14:31

Bathtime whilst I understand what you are saying please don't underestimate the life long effect of being bullied. My dd is not the person she was or the person she could be because of bullying. They made her life hell. Yes something or nothing could be going on at home but sympathy is very difficult to muster when somebody has made your child so depressed they want to die.

kissmethere · 15/05/2015 14:32

Kids who went to my school who were avoided at all costs didn't change much at all in adulthood. One particular one is a seriously nasty person, not sure why.
I'd go and suss it out for myself. I'd be watching from a distance though.

BathtimeFunkster · 15/05/2015 14:37

At no point has ballet said that she was bullied by this girl.

Just that she was a pain in the arse at school.

FayKorgasm · 15/05/2015 14:43

Sneering at people and putting people down is bullying.

manchestermummy · 15/05/2015 14:47

Oh god YANBU

It has been 20 years since I left school and I can still recall very clearly the nasty way in which some of my peers behave.

There was a really nasty piece of work in the year above me and she picked on me until she left. She is now the SIL of a colleague. At this colleague's wedding I decided to initiate a conversation with her (I knew full well she knew who I was). She sneered and walked off. I can't figure out if this is because she's still a bitch, or she was vaguely embarrassed. From what my colleague has said it could be either...!

There again, I'm probably still thought of as the fat, unfashionable, shy, geeky, unpopular wallflower I was back then. I know I'm no longer that person and that's all that I care about.

BathtimeFunkster · 15/05/2015 14:54

Bullying is a sustained pattern of negative behaviour aimed at an individual.

Being generally sneery and acting as though you are better than everyone else is not bullying.

CheesyDibbles · 15/05/2015 15:01

I'd meet up once and see if she has changed.

I wasn't a bully when I was younger, but I was on many occasions misguided, foolish and extremely prone to putting my foot in it. I have changed a lot and understand why I behaved like that (lack of confidence, lack of good role models, unstable family life). Unfortunately, I still put my foot in it frequently Blush

foraret · 15/05/2015 15:05

yes it is!

Learned about it in social studies. there are seven stages of bullying/ or, well, prejudice. But behaviours would be in categories too.
Even just exclusion counts, then next, maybe 'just' teasing..... You can't say a behaviour doesn't count because it's not a slap round the back of the head.

ADishBestEatenCold · 15/05/2015 15:06

"Anyhow, that was all years ago"

How many years ago? Two and a half?

Maybe time to move on and have your adult self perhaps re-assess people, in the hope that they too have become adults.

One evening of your life. If it goes well and you find the cousin has matured into a more reasonable human being, whose company you might occasionally enjoy, then you have gained.
If it goes badly and you find the cousin is still a poisonous twit, then you have still gained, because you then have a cast-iron reason to give friend when turning down future invitations.

kissmethere · 15/05/2015 15:10

There are different types of bullying. Some people are good at making others feel excluded and uncomfortable or talking behind their back, sneering and turning others against them. Even as adults too. I know a few and I'm a different person than I was as a teenager. I can stand up for myself though some people find that really difficult.

MiddleAgeMiddleEngland · 15/05/2015 15:21

There was a girl at my DDs primary school who was really unpleasant to lots of people, bullying, trying to split up friendships, really badly behaved, etc.

It turned out that her mother had gone to the same school, a couple of the teachers and other parents remembered her and she was just the same. The teachers tried to give the girl a good chance to be different but she was like a carbon copy. The mother is still causing trouble locally....

BathtimeFunkster · 15/05/2015 15:35

Of course exclusion counts.

The point is not that the behaviour described couldn't be done as part of a campaign of bullying.

The point is that bullying is negative behaviour that is directed at an individual (or sometimes individuals).

Being a generally obnoxious person who behaves poorly to people around them isn't bullying.

It's just being an asshole.

There is no suggestion that this girl was bullying anybody.

You might as well claim that someone who seemed very nice and had lots of friends was a bully, because those qualities are often found in people who bully by excluding.

OnlyLovers · 15/05/2015 15:45

I think these arguments about what constitutes bullying are getting us way off track.

IMO the key thing is that this behaviour was a long time ago and the OP can't make an informed decision on how this woman is now without meeting up with her.

It'd take one evening for to decide whether this person has changed and if she wants to be in touch with her or not.

vienna1981 · 15/05/2015 16:29

IMO, once a twat, always a twat. I can think of several people from my schooldays who were obnoxious, cocky, spoiled, ignorant and so on. Many are now family men with well-paid jobs but I still wouldn't give them the time of day thirty years later.

SpecificOcean · 15/05/2015 18:16

Good idea ballet . I know a couple of nasty girls from school all grown up and in their 40's and very pleasant people nowadays.

Also at secondary school it's all hormones and dog eat dog in a fake environment. the real world is nothing like school.

SpecificOcean · 15/05/2015 18:17

just to avoid confusion -I meant good idea for giving her a chance

CamelHump · 15/05/2015 18:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.