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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to still judge someone by how they behaved at school

103 replies

balletnotlacrosse · 15/05/2015 12:39

A friend from school is a cousin of another girl who was in our year at school. She was a nasty piece of work in school, always sneering at other people, putting people down and genuinely acting as if she was better than others - with nothing to back it up, I mean she wasn't particularly talented, clever, good looking, sporty or anything like that.

Anyhow, that was all years ago. I'm still in contact with my friend and now and again she invites me along to something that her cousin will be attending. I always make an excuse as I just get the horrors at the thought of meeting this person again and having her look me up and down and make some disdainful, disguised as polite, comment.

AIBU to still judge her like this? My friend never really saw the nasty side of her cousin, even though everyone else did, so there's no point in asking her if she's changed in the intervening years. I sometimes feel silly, still avoiding someone I haven't seen since we were teenagers, but at the same time I just hate the thought of having to spend an evening with her.

OP posts:

BathtimeFunkster · 15/05/2015 13:10

There was a painfully shy girl at my school. I barely spoke two words to her. We were never friends and I never got to know her because I was outgoing and she barely registered on my radar.

She has just moved to my town.

AIBU to presume she she is still not worth noticing?

missmoon · 15/05/2015 13:12

YABU... I have the same issue with a relative, she was awful to me as we were growing up (a bully). As an adult she is now pleasant, friendly, helpful, but I just can't relax around her. When talking to her I feel my confidence drop and it just causes me anxiety, so I avoid her as much as possible. Every now and then she says something a bit cutting, and it just brings back bad memories.

Original poster

balletnotlacrosse · 15/05/2015 13:12

Why would someone shy be ' not worth noticing'? Bathtime.

OP posts:

missmoon · 15/05/2015 13:12

Oops, that should say, YANBU!

Original poster

balletnotlacrosse · 15/05/2015 13:13

That's what I'm worried about missmoon. That she'll just say something that will totally knock my confidence and i'll feel like an insecure 17 year old all over again.
OTOH I do realise that I'm remembering a teenager who is now a middle aged woman.

OP posts:

FlaviaAlbia · 15/05/2015 13:14

I think people's characters are pretty much formed by the time they go to secondary school. OK, major upheavals or tragedy might change a character later but mostly they'll be unchanged.

In my experience, the people I knew who were friendly and kind haven't changed, the ones I still hear about who were always falling out with this weeks bff or who bullied other kids haven't changed much either.

So, YANBU.

Abraid2 · 15/05/2015 13:17

The girl who made my life hell at school turned up on the ward as a senior midwife when I had had my caesarian. I was out of that ward as quickly as I could (thankfully there was a midwife's unit nearer home) and did not want her being anywhere near my newborn. It can take a long time to get over it. I didn't feel vulnerable as much as angry and didn't want that emotion to be how I remembered the first days of my baby's life.

Psycobabble · 15/05/2015 13:19

Yes and no some people do change but plenty are exactly the same arseholes they always were !

BathtimeFunkster · 15/05/2015 13:20

There was a girl in my class with a serious BO problem. It was so bad you could spend entire afternoons feeling like you might vomit, especially when it was her time of the month.

Her son just started at my son's school.

AIBU to presume she still stinks and avoid being in the same room as her?

AuntyMag10 · 15/05/2015 13:20

Yanbu, first impressions last and all that.

OnlyLovers · 15/05/2015 13:22

Worst-case scenario: she hasn't changed, bad memories flood back, you have one crap evening. You'll know not to go out with her again.

listsandbudgets · 15/05/2015 13:26

Give her the benefit of the doubt and try turning up to one event when she's there. She may have changed. People do.

I was invited to a school friend's wedding when I was 25. I found out that a man who had bullied me for years at school was going and nearly didn't go myself but suddenly found myself thinking I was being pathetic. I'm still glad I went. He sought me out, asked me for a dance, bought me a drink and apologised for everything he did at school. We see each other a few times a year now and get on quite well. We'll never be best friends but our children play together and we have a drink and a chat. People can and do change

karmagetsyou · 15/05/2015 13:27

YANBU

Icimoi · 15/05/2015 13:27

There were twin sisters when I was at school who were a right pair of unpleasant thugs. I'd like to meet them just once, both to show them that, whatever their opinion of me as a victim, I've done just fine subsequently; and also to ask them, ever so politely, whether they have any regrets about the way they behaved.

Miggsie · 15/05/2015 13:29

I don't think you need to give her a second chance or attend a social function where she will be.
It's your choice completely - if you still remember how bad she made you feel it is likely you'll feel bad when you see her again even if she has changed because you are reacting to the memory of the bad things she did to you - and those can't be changed, and your feelings matter.

Even if she has changed her presence will remind you of your past unhappiness and for that alone, don't go.

flora717 · 15/05/2015 13:34

I encountered a very judgy and condescending girl at school. She loved to laugh at anyone who didn't know anything 'obvious' (to her) and was very convinced of the importance of her views over anyone elses. Very lacking in social skills, constantly talking over people and a proper irritation.
I made as much distance from her as I could (I had very low esteem, a problematic home life, I did not need someone who would pounce on that with glee).
She got in touch with me via facebook. Apparently she's a journalist/ radio news person and her message was intense (yawn inducing) detail of her "champagne lifestyle haha!". She really doesn't come across as different. But she's happy (or presenting the image of a happy person).
I don't see the point of getting in touch with someone just because our parents made desicions that led to us having the same school. It's all we have in common and that's simply not enough for me. I never responded.

foraret · 15/05/2015 13:35

i'd give her one chance but only if I was in a strong place myself. I was surprised when a girl from school sent me a message to apologise for bullyin gme 20 years earlier. I'd pitied her because she seemed a bit rough. I've changed a lot in the 25 years since I left school. Not that I was ever horrible to anybody. But I might have been silly, dramatic, unfocused, giddy........ I'd cringe if people thought I was still like that!

But if you don't want to see her you definitely don't have to! Do what you want to do.

SaucyJack · 15/05/2015 13:44

I don't understand why you're mentioning irrelevancies us has BO or shyness bathtime

Neither involve going out of your way to hurt or diminish other people purely out of spite.

Yes, people change and there have been some lovely examples upthread of bullies apologising for their behaviour.

Forgiveness isn't an entitlement tho.

fourchetteoff · 15/05/2015 13:44

I would give her a chance, just out of curiosity more than anything. (Unless she mentally scarred you from bullying and it would bring it all up again - that part isn't entirely clear in your post)

I met my bully about 5 years ago when I went to get 'props' from the local Ann Summers. . She used to be really snide about how square my friends and I were on the bus (because she was very cool with her lace fingerless gloves and ropes of Madonna-esque pearls), and once even slapped my friend around the back of the head. I hated her.

But here she was, the manager of Ann Summers who was delighted to see me. Like, genuinely delighted as if none of the bus crap had ever happened in her mind. She was so nice and helpful and even used her discount for my willy straws and paraphernalia ( again). We had a really good laugh together and it kind of exorcised any bully-ghosts I had of her. She even asked if we could meet up again, but I was only visiting for the day.

Twas really bizarre.

Eigg · 15/05/2015 13:44

Of course you don't have to socialise with anyone that would upset you.

I'm in touch with one man who bullied me seriously in primary school. He grew up to be a genuinely nice chap and is friendly with my DH. His parents were (unbeknownst to me) going through a nasty divorce at the time he bullied me.

I'm also in touch through FB with a woman who was fairly unpleasant all through high school. She didn't bully me but was certainly unkind and on at least one occasion tried to start a nasty rumour about me.

She seems like a perfectly nice, if slightly silly, woman these days happily married with a gorgeous wee boy. She's a Mumsnetter (although I don't know her username). I often wonder if she's on one of these threads and if she realises how unpleasant she was back in the day... probably not.

I wouldn't want people to assume that I haven't grown as a person in the 20 plus years since I left school so I try to give the benefit of the doubt, at least to start with.

foraret · 15/05/2015 13:50

fourchette I went to a school reunion about 7 years ago, full of thoughts of who I would ignore, what traits in whom I wouldn't overlook, and to my genuine surprise, a girl said to me that she forgave me for pinging her bra strap when we were about 12. I vaguely remembered it. She was graciously forgiving me for having been a bad person who did bad things, ykwim. It was weird. I'd gone to the reunion with boundaries bolstered, chinks filled in, all caution and wariness to avoid being put down or ignored.

what bathtime says is what annoys me about school, people who never spoke to you leaping to assume you were boring! People who talk over you 19 to the the dozen and then walk off concluding you've nothing to say!

BillyBigchin · 15/05/2015 13:55

Jesus Bathtime - can you not distinguish between a person being shy/being smelly and a person who was deliberately cruel to another? Why do you insist the OP should forgive and forget as 'she might have changed'?

Well, she might not have changed. Is the OP obliged to give everyone a chance to be friends with her? Maybe she has enough friends and doesn't want to have to make allowances for people who were nasty?

loveareadingthanks · 15/05/2015 13:58

I think it's up to you. If you don't feel comfortable seeing her again, then don't.

Yes, people can change. My best friend (met as an adult) is one of the kindest, funniest, do absolutely anything to help anyone people. I was shocked when she admitted she'd been a bit of a bully at school. Really didn't seem the type. She's very tall, very confident, very outgoing and in a young teen that converted into being a bossy/nasty twat.

On the other hand, I was bullied at school and be fucked if I'd go out of my way to meet any of them again.

BF - your examples aren't the same at all. People can't help being shy, or having BO as a child. It's wasn't anything to do with you personally, it didn't harm you, they weren't choosing being shy or having BO to make you unhappy. Bullies assault people. Bullies abuse people in lots of ways. They are deliberately harming someone else. I understand that there may have been reasons for that behaviour, but it still doesn't change the fact that they deliberately attacked another child. Attacks don't always have to be physical. I ran away from home and thought about killing myself because bullies made my life hell. I don't care if they've changed. I still don't want to see them.

If an adult attacks you, you remember it. Some people are nasty fuckers as children and grow up to be nasty fuckers as adults. I don't think children are all that different - they know right from wrong, and bullying is wrong after the age of, say, 10, which is when we judge them to have responsibility for their actions legally.

Original poster

balletnotlacrosse · 15/05/2015 13:58

Thanks everyone. On balance, I think I will give it one chance. If she still carries on with the nonsense she dished out at school, then I won't bother to meet her again. If she has changed and is now a pleasant human being who has grown up and matured then that will be nice to see.

OP posts:

Original poster

balletnotlacrosse · 15/05/2015 14:01

Oh, and I agree that BF's examples are totally off. There's a big difference between someone being nasty and someone being quiet, or having some kind of physical characteristic that really didn't impact on other people's morale or self esteem.

OP posts:

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