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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH organised a surprise night out

151 replies

hoolaloola · 14/05/2015 22:33

First world problem with of back story for context:
For Christmas last year dh gave me a printed voucher for some lessons for a new hobby. He hadn't booked or paid for the lessons but had phoned and enquired. He decided he wouldn't organise the time etc as he thought I would be better doing it. The thing is unless the time is specifically made for me I do not have time to do this. Obviously this has never happened so I have not taken the lessons up.

For Mother's Day he gave me a voucher for a spa. He had organised this with my BF's husband so that we both had the same voucher. Again they hadn't actually organised anything as they thought we would want to decide the dates and treatments etc. However my BF and I have no real interest in a whole day at a spa. It also didn't seem much of a treat to have to organise everything ourselves so we have never done it.

Anyway....Tonight he texts me asking if we have anything on a certain evening next week. I have a hair appointment booked for that night and tell him so. To which he replies that I will have to cancel as he has booked something for us. I don't get my hair done that often and it is always tricky to find the time. It is therefore desperately in need of being done and if I cancelled I would have to wait another three weeks for the next appointment. He won't tell me what he has booked which makes me reluctant to cancel my appointment i.e if he has booked a table at the local curry house I know it is something we can easily do another time whereas if he has booked a show then that is not something so easy to change. He is in a right huff with me and says he can't do anything right or please me.

I can understand that I probably seem ungrateful but am also annoyed that I have to make a choice. Why bother asking me if we had plans if he had already made them. If he had organised this 3 weeks ago I could have changed my appointment in plenty of time. Now however I either get to go out feeling like crap with 2 inches of black roots or I ask him to change the date and deal with him being arsey with me.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:

MamaMary · 15/05/2015 11:05

He did a homemade voucher for a day at a spa sometime.

Fair enough. Why didn't you book yourself into a spa some time then?

YABU.

cococandyfloss · 15/05/2015 11:15

Oh wow -OP I didn't think you were being that unreasonable at all!

really surprised at people saying how ungrateful you are. Don't want to be mean about your husband but his first two gifts weren't really that thoughtful -they were easy gifts for him -a bit of paper with an empty promise on them that he hasn't then made sure you were able to use -which would be the actual gift to you -giving you the time to take up the gifts and the money towards it.
Nothing wrong with him giving you the voucher and wanting you to pick the dates to suit you but he needs to actually follow through and ensure the gift happens.

With the surprise night I think he needs to realise that the hair app is important to you -so you need to know what the plans are. You already have plans which you will be willing to change if it is something that benefits you both but as you say if its just a meal down the local that you can do together another time then your hair appointment should stand as its not as easy to rearrange.

pressone · 15/05/2015 11:16

I assume if one of your children had a medical appt, or you had to go to a meting with a client/price up a job (difficult to express without knowing your line of work, but you get the idea) then you would make time to attend those things including arranging for your DH/family/friends or paid childcare to facilitate the appt.

It appears to me that you are not investing the same effort into looking after yourself, you seem to be at the bottom of a very long list of priorities.

From the type of gifts that you are receiving it appears that your DH wants you to take some "me" time as well.

You need to look at your priorities and book some time out for yourself, whether it is a regular 2 hours for a hair cut, or one day a month for a catch up with friends or an ad hoc spa day.

You sound like you are fire-fighting the whole time and not giving yourself any time to recover. Book some time out for these treats or you will make yourself ill. If you feel guilty then ask yourself what would happen if you were unable to care for your children/work etc if you run yourself into the ground.

MamaMary · 15/05/2015 11:20

OK, I'll revise my post.

Why don't you book yourself into a spa some Saturday and ask your DH to look after the children for the entire day?

He's given you the 'voucher', so surely he'll be prepared to do his bit?

if he's not prepared to look after the kids for a full day, then YANBU.

TheEponymousGrub · 15/05/2015 11:38

Wow, what a hard time the OP is getting!
She didn't complain about the "vouchers", only explained why she didn't manage to get doing anything with them.
She also didn't say she's annoyed with the DH for refusing to tell her the secret, only that HE is annoyed with HER. That's why she calls him arsey.
I think he is B very slightly U for not realising that the only way his thoughtful presents can work is for him to first choose the present, THEN tell her to keep a date free, THEN do the voucher for that day.
And if he can't figure it out, the OP will have to tell him. He is trying!

AlternativeTentacles · 15/05/2015 11:42

Why don't you book yourself into a spa some Saturday and ask your DH to look after the children for the entire day?

Be-ecause she didn't want to go to a spa for a day? The clue is in the OP.

Psycobabble · 15/05/2015 11:56

I see you put homemade voucher for the lessons but can you clarify was the spa voucher homemade because you don't actually say that ??
If it was homemade then I think you have more reason to be a bit off about it but if it's an actual voucher but just open ended so you can arrange with your friend when to go then I think your been a bit ungreatful tbh

As clearly when he does set a date in stone your busy !!

Can't really win !

SheenaWasAPunkRocker · 15/05/2015 12:01

I can't believe all of the 'he can't win' comments. Of course he can - he checks with op for a date that suits her, then does the organising/childcare so she can enjoy her present. There are more options other than 'don't make any effort beyond a home made voucher' and 'plan an event without checking'

Cabrinha · 15/05/2015 12:06

I don't think I've ever seen such an extreme and even divide on AIBU!

I think it comes down to there being two types of women in the world:
Those that think spa days are the best thing ever, and those that think WTF.

It's marmite

HolgerDanske · 15/05/2015 12:07

I still think he's being quite useless. He doesn't seem to have any understanding of the fact that things don't just run by themselves and someone has to actually organise it. Particularly not in matters of the household and children.

If he's miffed that his surprise didn't go down well, he'll hopefully remember this next time and do the sensible thing and check first!

Nydj · 15/05/2015 12:12

When you received the first voucher, you could have just told him that you will pick a date to go on the course/activity and let him know - could he then make all the childcare arrangements? If he asked why, you could have explained it was so that your present doesn't become like hard work. In fact, presumably, you still could do this if you wanted to.

If, on the other hand he would refuse to organise the childcare then, you are not being unreasonable at all.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 15/05/2015 12:16

I hate spa days too!

But I'm useless at giving presents, and therefore I'm identifying with the befuddled present giver here.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 15/05/2015 12:29

You need to look at your priorities and book some time out for yourself, whether it is a regular 2 hours for a hair cut

And have posters tell her she should cancel at the drop of a hat when her DH announces he has arranged something different

Goldrill · 15/05/2015 12:45

I used to work for a business which sold vouchers for one of its products. They weren't expensive, but the rate of them being bought and then not used was HUGE! Well over 50% - which is why sensible businesses put a time limit on them.

My point being: a lot of people get bought "real" vouchers as presents and fail to use them. I can think of three occasions I've done this, and I worried and then felt guilty I hadn't done it: if even that level of incentive didn't get me to do it, the chances of someone doing it without the money even being spent must start to get vanishingly small...

...so it's not much of a present, really. I'd be equally meh, OP.

Eastpoint · 15/05/2015 13:32

I completely agree with Goldrill. I was bought a voucher to GoApe. I'd like to do something like that, but not on my own - it's a joint experience thing not solo. I couldn't even do it with my children as they were too short & young.

CloserToFiftyThanTwenty · 15/05/2015 13:37

I hate being given vouchers for "experiences" too - like the OP I struggle to make time for things just for me, and in any case a spa day isn't my idea of bliss.

And giving someone a piece of paper but not booking or paying for the event isn't actually giving them a present, is it ? It's more of a suggestion ...

ItsTricky · 15/05/2015 13:45

I'm in the I Hate Spa Days camp. I've never actually done one but just know it's my idea of hell. I'd rather dp take the kids out for the day so I can sit in a bubble bath with a cuppa and a book.. bliss

WinterIsGoing · 15/05/2015 15:59

you can sit in a bubble bath with a cuppa and a book on a spa day.... its all about relxing - what are you expecting to happen?

You go along, have a treatment or 2 and then sit in the garden, or by the pool (if its cold outside) and relax and read if thats what you want to do

You dont say why you cant go on a weekend day OP? I think your OH has tried really hard, and sadly you feel put out because you dont feel he has. Hopefully you both will talk a bit more about what you actually want from each other?

ChanandlerBongsNeighbour · 15/05/2015 16:07

I think YANBU! I do not think those gifts show any thought or consideration. He should have asked if you were free before booking/arranging anything, its his fault that he has booked and you are busy!

WinterIsGoing · 15/05/2015 16:25

he tried that - he booked something without a time setting, but the OP didnt want to 'arrange it herself' - as its too hard to check a diary and make a phone call (actually thats a bit harsh, i know there is more to it than that)

TendonQueen · 15/05/2015 16:36

I'm just amazed that for so many people a hair appointment is something sacred that cannot be moved or delayed. Are you all on the books at Kate Middleton's hairdressers?

Bakeoffcake · 15/05/2015 16:42

Tendon, I go every six weeks to my hairdresser, if I cancelled at the last minute, I wouldn't beable to see her for another week or two. and my roots would be showing

Spydra · 15/05/2015 16:50

What's stopping you using the vouchers? Call your friend, arrange a Saturday, let DH have the kids and go enjoy yourself!

Ditto the evening classes. Try and make the time - make arrangements. DP bought me a set of classes which meant meeting him half way along his commute (going the opposite way) to handover DC. Awkward, and effort, but I really did enjoy them. He'd have been hurt if I rejected his gift - and I would have missed out too.

CarrotVan · 15/05/2015 17:03

Do you have anything like a shared online calendar? You might find that a household calendar would make it easier for your husband to plan gifts/surprises for you at convenient times

PicaK · 15/05/2015 17:35

I think that getting hung up on whether you like spa days or not is missing the point.
OP your life sounds knackering. Fair enough if you are sahm to do all of the organising but if you work pt (50% say) then he should be doing at least 25% of sorting day to day logistics. My guess is he does nothing and you are reaching the end of your tether.
In your shoes I would
a) ring hairdresser and see what's available.
b) go on husband's date. Put irritation to one side
c) talk to dh now (or when you are feeling calm) about why the organisation is too much and where you think he can take on responsibilities. Discuss childcare options.
Don't moan about vouchers - he'll get hung up on this when it's not really the issue.
And remember that if you are the super organised one then people find it difficult to step in. He's messed it up. Explain why but don't shout at him.

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