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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH organised a surprise night out

151 replies

hoolaloola · 14/05/2015 22:33

First world problem with of back story for context:
For Christmas last year dh gave me a printed voucher for some lessons for a new hobby. He hadn't booked or paid for the lessons but had phoned and enquired. He decided he wouldn't organise the time etc as he thought I would be better doing it. The thing is unless the time is specifically made for me I do not have time to do this. Obviously this has never happened so I have not taken the lessons up.

For Mother's Day he gave me a voucher for a spa. He had organised this with my BF's husband so that we both had the same voucher. Again they hadn't actually organised anything as they thought we would want to decide the dates and treatments etc. However my BF and I have no real interest in a whole day at a spa. It also didn't seem much of a treat to have to organise everything ourselves so we have never done it.

Anyway....Tonight he texts me asking if we have anything on a certain evening next week. I have a hair appointment booked for that night and tell him so. To which he replies that I will have to cancel as he has booked something for us. I don't get my hair done that often and it is always tricky to find the time. It is therefore desperately in need of being done and if I cancelled I would have to wait another three weeks for the next appointment. He won't tell me what he has booked which makes me reluctant to cancel my appointment i.e if he has booked a table at the local curry house I know it is something we can easily do another time whereas if he has booked a show then that is not something so easy to change. He is in a right huff with me and says he can't do anything right or please me.

I can understand that I probably seem ungrateful but am also annoyed that I have to make a choice. Why bother asking me if we had plans if he had already made them. If he had organised this 3 weeks ago I could have changed my appointment in plenty of time. Now however I either get to go out feeling like crap with 2 inches of black roots or I ask him to change the date and deal with him being arsey with me.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
GemmaTeller · 15/05/2015 07:36

The thing is unless the time is specifically made for me I do not have time to do this

So why can''t YOU make the time to book your course of lessons?

I run my own business from home also and I sure rearrange my time to fit in treats and me-time.

DH 'bought' me a spa day but didn't actually book it because he wasn't sure where I wanted to go for it - OP, I picked up his debit card and the phone and booked a day/venue to suit me.

olgaga · 15/05/2015 07:37

YANBU. Homemade vouchers to tell you that you may do a course, or have a spa day, if YOU organise it?

That's not a gift, that's a pisstake.

As for organising a "surprise night out" he should have checked you are available!

He sounds like he has no idea - I bet you do or direct everything that needs to be done!

Only1scoop · 15/05/2015 07:41

Presumably he has booked to childcare for you curry night? Can he not just book table slightly later.

Has he actually paid for the spa voucher and just not booked it?

Only1scoop · 15/05/2015 07:43

Just re read and you not sure what surprise is yet. Explain you are desperate to get hair done and can he change night?

Minisoksmakehardwork · 15/05/2015 07:49

YAbothU. But then you should also have a calendar so both of you know when the other has appointments.

We have 4dc as well OP. Luckily they are all of an age where they spend time at school and preschool so I get time then for my hair appts, going to WW meetings and so on.

I think your dh has actually tried with giving you the homemade vouchers to give you time off when it's convenient for you - ie you tell him you are free to do the driving lessons/spa on day X so he books and pays for it then. Clearly he's realised that unless he actually books a specific date, you won't do the things he's suggested. So he has done just that. I assume he had already taken care of the children on the booked date, or was going to parent them that day while you were off doing something else.

But he's not realised that, children aside, there are other things that you have made arrangements for.

Which is why you need a calendar. You seem to want your dh to be spontaneous, to organise things off his own bat. But unless there is some cooperation from both sides, it's never going to happen.

Dh and I have an online calendar, a calendar in the kitchen and I run a paper diary as well. It works really well for us as we can see when the other one is busy, when we might both be free to organise a babysitter and spend time together or when the other one is free to do something spontaneous provided the other parent is home with the DC.

So in answer to your OP, yabu to refuse to facilitate your dh doing things which he thinks are nice for you (even if they're not your cup of tea you could suggest something which is) and your Dh is U for not realising that your hair doesn't just magically get done.

Fwiw, hair appts are v important to me too. I book a years worth in advance as my hairdresser is very popular. But as I said, they go on a public calendar so dh doesn't have to take his mind reading pills.

ItsTricky · 15/05/2015 07:52

YANBU. I would absolutely hate my free time being organised for me and don't do 'surprises' on any level.

He does sound sweet, but in a controlling way.

You must tell him you'd rather arrange your nights out together on a night that you both agree on.

SanityClause · 15/05/2015 07:53

Only1, he's made a homemade voucher, saying "have a spa day". Not booked, not paid, not organised.

Equally, a homemade voucher saying "have some lessons". Again, no input into how he will make it work so that she can get there. If she wants to do it, she has to organise it all herself.

But he's been everso thoughtful, because he's made a homemade voucher.

In effect, he's given her a piece of paper. Nice present!

chanie44 · 15/05/2015 08:05

I bet the surprise is more something he wants, which is why he isn't telling you what it is '.... Tickets for the football. Surprise.'

DH is BU - he should have at least researched various spa packages/hobby and given you the options.

However, YABU for not taking up either offer. Sometimes, you have to take the bull by the horns and book your own free time, otherwise it will never happen. If you aren't into the spa, get the cash and do something you want to.

claravine · 15/05/2015 08:19

Reading between the lines it sounds like the dh won't look after his kids himself, is that the real issue op?

Yeasayer · 15/05/2015 08:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HolgerDanske · 15/05/2015 08:57

Yes I had that thought too, claravine.

Duckdeamon · 15/05/2015 09:00

Agree claravine

Only1scoop · 15/05/2015 09:02

So turn all these silly vouchers into reality ....book up the lessons....if you don't fancy a spa then swap the unpaid for 'voucher' for something else you fancy. Leave him to sort out childcare.

To be honest it sounds like even if he'd have gone ahead and actually booked these things you wouldn't have been happy. Sort out some voucher time doing what you fancy and enjoy.

Bakeoffcake · 15/05/2015 09:02

YANBU.

I would want to know what he has planned before cancelling a long awaited hair appointment.

Ask him want it is. Then you can decide what to do.

Salene · 15/05/2015 09:02

You are I'm afraid

You sound ungrateful

He tries to do nice things for you and even though there not to your standard its the thought that counts

highlighta · 15/05/2015 09:07

I suppose no matter what gift you got for Christmas and Mothers Day you would be complaining about.

Sounds like he can do nothing right in your eyes.

I think I would have been a little more appreciative.

So you admit, you don't appreciate the gifts you did get.

saoirse31 · 15/05/2015 09:13

yabu. you sound really painful tbh. I'd say v little is ever good enough for you. three wks to get a hair appt? really? is your hair v special and unysual? in fact you sound v poor at organisation if everything is so difficult.

pilates · 15/05/2015 09:14

YABU

He has made an effort and they are thoughtful presents. He hasn't just bunged some money in a card, that is the easy option.

Why would you not want to spend a day at a spa with a good friend? That is madness. I'm presuming by arranging these presents he would be sorting out the childcare?

With regard the hair appointment, can you phone your hairdresser to see if there is any chance of brining the appointment forward. You never know she may have had a cancellation.

Marcipex · 15/05/2015 09:14

I don't see how the OP has received any gifts.
It's like the ticket- to-the-moon voucher the children crayoned for me when they were little.

YouMeddlingKids · 15/05/2015 09:15

Is it implicit in the voucher that he will look after the children for the day? If so, why dont you and your best friend agree a day and go out and do whatever it is you do enjoy, without the kids in tow.

Re: this surprise evening, YANBU - I wouldn't cancel the plans I've already made unless I knew it was for something I'd enjoy. Given that your DH's gifts can be a bit hit and miss I wouldn't risk it!

Sounds like you just need to communicate a bit better, and also make him see the gifts he gives through.

crymeariverwoo · 15/05/2015 09:15

I feel really sorry for your dh. He can't do anything right

HolgerDanske · 15/05/2015 09:16

I'm guessing the last few posters haven't read the thread?

OP. Is it down to your own busy life that you haven't taken him up on these 'gifts', or is it actually that he doesn't do anything at all to facilitate making them possible?

Aermingers · 15/05/2015 09:21

So hang on, when he didn't book dates and times for something he was unreasonable because he should just have gone ahead and booked something. Now he has just gone ahead and booked something it's inconvenient and you want him to cancel? YABU, you've put the poor bloke in a situation where he can't win. I'm sure if he had gone ahead and booked the spa and classes you would have found a reason to moan they weren't on the right day or you had something else on.

highlighta · 15/05/2015 09:25

I'm guessing the last few posters haven't read the thread?

Yes Holger, I have read the whole thread actually..........

pilates · 15/05/2015 09:30

Yes Holger, I have too.

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