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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH organised a surprise night out

151 replies

hoolaloola · 14/05/2015 22:33

First world problem with of back story for context:
For Christmas last year dh gave me a printed voucher for some lessons for a new hobby. He hadn't booked or paid for the lessons but had phoned and enquired. He decided he wouldn't organise the time etc as he thought I would be better doing it. The thing is unless the time is specifically made for me I do not have time to do this. Obviously this has never happened so I have not taken the lessons up.

For Mother's Day he gave me a voucher for a spa. He had organised this with my BF's husband so that we both had the same voucher. Again they hadn't actually organised anything as they thought we would want to decide the dates and treatments etc. However my BF and I have no real interest in a whole day at a spa. It also didn't seem much of a treat to have to organise everything ourselves so we have never done it.

Anyway....Tonight he texts me asking if we have anything on a certain evening next week. I have a hair appointment booked for that night and tell him so. To which he replies that I will have to cancel as he has booked something for us. I don't get my hair done that often and it is always tricky to find the time. It is therefore desperately in need of being done and if I cancelled I would have to wait another three weeks for the next appointment. He won't tell me what he has booked which makes me reluctant to cancel my appointment i.e if he has booked a table at the local curry house I know it is something we can easily do another time whereas if he has booked a show then that is not something so easy to change. He is in a right huff with me and says he can't do anything right or please me.

I can understand that I probably seem ungrateful but am also annoyed that I have to make a choice. Why bother asking me if we had plans if he had already made them. If he had organised this 3 weeks ago I could have changed my appointment in plenty of time. Now however I either get to go out feeling like crap with 2 inches of black roots or I ask him to change the date and deal with him being arsey with me.

Who is being unreasonable?

OP posts:
JohnFarleysRuskin · 14/05/2015 22:48

Do you want him to book dates in, without consultation or not? You seem to be sending mixed messages...

VelvetRose · 14/05/2015 22:48

Really? Surprised at the number of Yabu! He's given you a homemade voucher twice for things that you then have to sort out so it's never happened. Then he lands something on you before checking if you have something on! Why didn't he ask you about the date well in advance?

Fatmomma99 · 14/05/2015 22:48

I thought what he did with the spa was nice, Duckdeamon and hoolaloola, because he did his best to enhance her day by making it flexible so she could enjoy it with a mate - MUCH nicer than going by herself.

Perhaps, OP, you need to speak to a mutual friend or family member and let them know what you'd actually like so they can tell your OH and you can get what you want.

But I stand by saying he sounds lovely and very sweet and considerate.

Unexpected · 14/05/2015 22:48

You sound seriously ungrateful! He gives you vouchers to allow you the opportunity to do something nice at a time of your choosing - you moan about having to do the organising yourself - so he organises something and tells you to keep the time free - you moan again. If he had printed a voucher for whatever he had booked for next week, you'd never have gotten around to doing that either, would you? Don't be surprised to get a new vacuum cleaner for Christmas next year!

LaurieFairyCake · 14/05/2015 22:48

He's unreasonable

I don't change my hair appointment for anyone. My hairdresser is extremely busy, I'd have to wait weeks if not a month or so.

I wouldn't walk round with 2 inches of roots for a month feeling shit every day at work for the sake of one night out.

Fuck that.

ilove · 14/05/2015 22:50

I have four children, foster others, teach and run a charity. If you want to find the time you can. Seriously, you,are being totally unreasonable! Oh, and my youngest two were born 9.5 months apart and I had a toddler at the time...with a husband working twelve hour shifts. Everyone is busy, and organised etc. you obviously don't appreciate what you have.

AtiaoftheJulii · 14/05/2015 22:51

Clearly you need a calendar that you can both use and look it, so he'd already know you had a hair appt booked. And he'd know when you were free so he could book and pay for the spa day he thinks you'd like! A vague promise doesn't sound like a great present to me either.

Redglitter · 14/05/2015 22:52

Sounds like can't do right for doing wrong. You complain that you have to do all the booking yourself then when he books something you're still not happy.

Sod the hair cut go on the night out and don't spoil his plans. give the guy a break

AtiaoftheJulii · 14/05/2015 22:53

He sounds sweet, but not actually very good at thinking things through.

Volleyhang · 14/05/2015 22:53

YANBU he sounds lazy

Hassled · 14/05/2015 22:53

I'm with Laurie. Hair appointments when you have 4 DC and a job are like bloody gold-dust. And a voucher to have a spa sometime when the onus is on me to arrange childcare and make sure everyone else is sorted first would not be on my top list of all time great presents.

sherbetlemonD · 14/05/2015 22:54

Can see it from both sides- but if I had to choose i'd say YABU.

I'm sure your knackered working and looking after a family- but so do a lot of other people on here. You can't complain when he buys you a thoughtful gift that he decided to let YOU arrange and then complain when HE arranges something. #mixedmessages.

ConnortheMonkey · 14/05/2015 22:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ConnortheMonkey · 14/05/2015 22:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 14/05/2015 22:59

You are obviously someone who can never be surprised by anything.

You complain when he does something for you but leaves the timing up to you.

You complain when he does organise something for you.

Next you'll be complaining that he never does anything for you because he stopped bothering.

HaloKelly23 · 14/05/2015 23:01

Just be grateful he has the money to send you away for a spa day! I'd be grateful for a pack of fucking Pom Bears & here's you huffing about organising a paid spa day. YOU POOR THING HE IS SUCH A PIG.

The fuck?!

AtiaoftheJulii · 14/05/2015 23:08

He might not have the money, he hasn't paid for it!

Shockers · 14/05/2015 23:09

He made vouchers.

He didn't shop, he didn't cook, he just though a tiny bit then sat in front of a computer... or drew and wrote (which is slightly better, but still smacks of unpreparedness).

All he did was say...'Have a day off '

Fatmomma99 · 14/05/2015 23:10

I don't get why people are so down on a homemade voucher. (a) I like a homemade gift - that takes effort. (b) it's because the gift is bigger than 'just' a spa day because he's trying to give her a day with a friend.

My husband let slip he wished he had a tattoo. So for his birthday, I went to a tattooist, and I got one of their business cards.

Because I can't choose where it goes on his body or the design (although, I hope he'll let me have a say).

I told him I'd pay and go with him (and hold his hand, if he wants his hand holding). I told him I'd spoken to them about how long they need for appointments, etc, and suggested a couple of times. Most importantly, I gave him a message that I'm happy for him to do this and I'm not objecting to it.

He put the card somewhere prominent, and I know he was pleased.

That was 4 months ago.

AtiaoftheJulii · 14/05/2015 23:10

Seriously, if my dh asked if I were busy, then said well, cancel it, when I said I was, I'd tell him to fuck off. It doesn't take much nous to check first!

Fatmomma99 · 14/05/2015 23:11

Shockers a gift of "have a day off" is worth more than gold in my house!

RJnomore · 14/05/2015 23:12

I actually DON'T think YAbu op.

He hasn't actually bought you a fucking present for either Christmas or mothers day has he?

He's just given you basically an IOU for something he knows you won't use.

I regard that as quite a dickish thing to do.

He sounds quite childish to be in a strip about the hair thing and I wouldn't be keen on postponing either without him letting me know what I was postponing for.

UnsolvedMystery · 14/05/2015 23:12

He's tried - you haven't made it easy for him to get it right - he gets criticised no matter what he does.

AlternativeTentacles · 14/05/2015 23:15

So, is he not making sure you have the time to do these things by looking after the kids whilst you go do these things? And then when you do find time to get a haircut, he disregards your booking, asks if you were doing anything and has a stompy fit when you say you are not cancelling the one thing you have found time to do?

YANBU.

whiteiris · 14/05/2015 23:16

No you are not being unreasonable. It sounds like he can't be bothered to communicate properly or organise things properly.