DH organised a surprise night out

[hoolaloola]

First world problem with of back story for context:
For Christmas last year dh gave me a printed voucher for some lessons for a new hobby. He hadn't booked or paid for the lessons but had phoned and enquired. He decided he wouldn't organise the time etc as he thought I would be better doing it. The thing is unless the time is specifically made for me I do not have time to do this. Obviously this has never happened so I have not taken the lessons up.

For Mother's Day he gave me a voucher for a spa. He had organised this with my BF's husband so that we both had the same voucher. Again they hadn't actually organised anything as they thought we would want to decide the dates and treatments etc. However my BF and I have no real interest in a whole day at a spa. It also didn't seem much of a treat to have to organise everything ourselves so we have never done it.

Anyway....Tonight he texts me asking if we have anything on a certain evening next week. I have a hair appointment booked for that night and tell him so. To which he replies that I will have to cancel as he has booked something for us. I don't get my hair done that often and it is always tricky to find the time. It is therefore desperately in need of being done and if I cancelled I would have to wait another three weeks for the next appointment. He won't tell me what he has booked which makes me reluctant to cancel my appointment i.e if he has booked a table at the local curry house I know it is something we can easily do another time whereas if he has booked a show then that is not something so easy to change. He is in a right huff with me and says he can't do anything right or please me.

I can understand that I probably seem ungrateful but am also annoyed that I have to make a choice. Why bother asking me if we had plans if he had already made them. If he had organised this 3 weeks ago I could have changed my appointment in plenty of time. Now however I either get to go out feeling like crap with 2 inches of black roots or I ask him to change the date and deal with him being arsey with me.

Who is being unreasonable?

Ok cool, no need to get arsey about it.

OP I suppose it actually comes down to, what exactly happens when he gives you these 'thoughtful' gifts? Do you say oh thanks darling, here let me check my diary and I'll let you know what works for me, then you can go ahead and book it for me and organise to be here to look after the children. That would seem the best way to ensure it actually happens.

Or does he pay lip service to wanting you to have time for yourself but never actually do anything to help facilitate it.

Without knowing this, we can't actually say who's being unreasonable in the wider picture. It could, for example, be that he has started giving you these open-ended gifts because you actually are never, ever satisfied with anything he gives you, or books for you. In which case he can hardly be blamed for not being enthusiastic about trying to treat you.

I'm still going to stick with my instinct that there is more to this, but I concede that it could also be a case of your expecting him to be able to mind read.

Still think he's an idiot for booking something without checking you were free on that day. You always check. Otherwise it's not actually that thoughtful and can cause more hassle than it's worth as has happened here.

I can't believe the replies saying Yabu. Those aren't thoughtful presents. No effort went into them. He must surely have known he was looking after the DCs whilst you have your hair done? Or is childcare already organised which is why he thought he'd take advantage and book something with minimal effort again? Either way I'd be really cross too OP. Hair appts are not easily rearranged at my salon either and an extra 3 wks growth would look dreadful. If he won't tell you what he's booked them it's obviously not that special.

YANBU OP - at all. I often do vouchers for my mum and my husband. Difference being I say tell me when your free and I'll book or else I buy a deal voucher then all they have to do is phone up and book a date they are free because its already paidfor. If DH told me to cancel something but wouldn't tell me why I'd be telling him to whistle.

Yes and the thought doesn't count if it's so badly executed as to be all but useless. Then it's just cheap, meaningless words and worth nothing at all.

But we still need OP to explain a bit more about why, and by whose doing, the time has never been made free for her to do these things.

You are being completely unreasonable

Hopefully we won't see another post from you in a few months time
"AIBU to be annoyed my DH left me for someone who actually appreciates him"

Uh what? Are you seriously saying that because OP hasn't been overly impressed with two gifts of quite meaningless pieces of paper, and is now miffed that her husband has organised something without checking she was free and is refusing to give her the information she needs in order to assess whether or not she should cancel a previous appointment, it'd be quite justifiable for her husband to leave her?

Because that's what your comment strongly implies.

Ugh.

How ridiculous ....don't think I'd be simpering away with thanks for a couple of bits of paper to arrange myself and a last minute arrangement when I was gagging to get my roots done....

I kind of get where you are coming from Op ....some bits anyway.

Oh do fuck off chips don't be so ridiculous.......there's always one

Personally I wouldn't want to have to sit down with a grown man and explain gracious behaviour and manners.

Whoops wrong thread soz

Let me just revise my objection slightly - it's not the leaving bit, it's the implication that there's always a more pliant, grateful and stepford wife lurking in the wings, so know your place.

Whatever.

I'm guessing there is a lot more to this, as is usually the case.

Bloody hell, poor sod can't win, can he?! You moan and complain when he DOESN'T set a date down in stone, not just once but twice.
So he DOES set a date down for the next present, and you whine "but I can't 'cos I'm having my hair done and I'm not changing it."

If I was him I'd think "feck her then" and get you bugger all next time.
A box of chocolates if you were lucky.

The ops post smacked of an ungrateful woman whose husband has put a lot of thought into gifts for her.

Mite only be a bit of paper but better than a box of chocs, far more effort put into it than a lot of men would do.

Also, you can play the "there's always got to be one" card, but if this was a woman, saying how her husband never appreciated the gifts she arranged, and made excuses to get out of a surprise night she'd planned for them there would be a fucking chorus of

"LTB!!"
"Sounds fishy to me OP "

Etc etc
Double standards here ladies!

OK I think that if you want to organise something such as a surprise meal/show/whatever, then you FIRST ask the person you want to make the gift to if they are available. You don't just organise the stuff and then tell them they have to fit around it! That isn't a present or something nice. It sounds more like organising something for yourself and then expecting the other person to follow wo a word!

Re the gift... well I would have assumed in the first place that the DH would have known that his dw wouldn't enjoy a spa day! In that respect, it isn't a thoughtful gift. Esp as no other effort have been put into it apart from printing an home made voucher!
The hobby one is more tricky as he did some research but again, I'm pretty sure he is aware of how much time constraints the OP has, he will be aware she has very little time for herself and that therefore it could be hard to organise.

It's all very nice to think that X would be very nice i a genral way along the lines of 'women like spa day' but not my dw or her friend, or ndn etc.... It's another to think oh my dw would really enjoy X and I will make sure she can actually do it/get to it/have a try first etc....

You sound like an absolute pain op. Don't be surprised if he can't be bothered after this to do anything nice for you.

Not at all, if a woman came on and said to me she'd fired out two bits of paper and done bugger all organising and not actually paid for anything then I'd be telling her to get her finger out and actuallydo something properly.

If I gave my mum or husand something like OP has had then the conversation would be pretty much immediate as to when suited, where did we fancy actually instead of a what about b?(which happened to us at Christmas I did homemade vouchers for a meal out and trip to crazy golf - complete with chocolate golfballs - instead we went for a meal out and a different activity because it suited us all better. The point being it wasn't a half assed attempt but a properly organised present)

In the OPs case it sounds like the thought is there......as long as OP does all the organising and as for asking someone if they have plans then telling them to cancel? What was the point in actually asking them the question if you were just going to ignore the fact that OP already had plans?

No double standards whatsoever.

On the 'voucher' for the lessons, a thoughtful gift includes the possibility of it actually being used.

On the surprise, a prior appointment that really matters to the OP is not an excuse, it's a valid reason.

Yes, I do agree that it's lovely he's organised a surprise for her. That's not the issue. The issue is that he doesn't seem to care that he's actually inconvenienced her a great deal, and he won't do a very simple thing to fix it, by just giving her an indication of what it might be and whether or not it can be easily rearranged. What's that Japanese concept of a gift that actually does nothing at all for the recipient but comes with reciprocal expectations or obligations, rendering it a huge imposition rather than a kindness. Shades of that here, IMO. Of course I could be wrong and if OP comes back to say otherwise, I'll happily concede.

My instinct is that there are other problems in the relationship. If it's the OP's own doing that she hasn't actually taken advantage of the voucher for the lessons, then I'll revise my stance. It's not the husband's fault that she doesn't want a spa day, that's true. So that one is neutral.

Wow this thread is really divisive! To answer a few of your questions:

The voucher gifts DH has given me have been out of his thought for me. He hasn't been lazy, he just hasn't really thought through the logistics and as they are a gift for me I don't really want to either. He is out of the house from seven in the morning until six at night. Most nights of the week the dc have some form of activity and both dh and myself also play a sport each on one night a week. I have very limited access to childcare during the week - occasionally MIL or a DF will look after the little one but I would not feel comfortable asking for this every week so I could go off and enjoy myself. I was appreciative of the vouchers because I know he thought he was doing a good thing and that makes me happy.

The lady I get my hair cut from works from home and only has limited appointments available so it is always tricky to fit it in with all our schedules.

So logistically 'lessons' which the voucher is for feel like more of a logistical nightmare than they are worth?

His thoughts come from a nice place though I guess. Just doesn't think it through maybe?

I'd press him a little more on this night out. Nothing wrong with letting him know the hair appointment is important. Like you say if it's a curry night that can be moved then fair enough. If he's bought West end tickets and a fabulous restaurant then maybe not.

Even with your replies I still think YABU, There are other hair dressers available and childcare professionals out there who would babysit for a fee (and you could could get to know them) if you bother to seek them out.

Awww ok well that's a relief

So is this just about the fact that he's cross that you're not thrilled by his surprise, and that he won't tell you what it is so now you're worried about whether or not to cancel? In that case I'd probably cancel the hair apt and enjoy a lovely night out with your husband. But later, at a neutral time, please do tell him that in the future he needs to check your plans before he makes arrangements.

Any time I have been given a voucher for a spa, it was an actual voucher from the company, paid for by the giver, and then up to me to book the treatment/date etc.
This homemade voucher business is a bit lame (any remember the vouchers for 'Joey Love' on Friends?).
Most people are far more likely to use something that has actually been paid for than a homemade 'voucher', which really is a non present.
Also, if you haven't managed to use one voucher why the hell would he give you another one?

For me this from Marcipex sums it up:

I don't see how the OP has received any gifts.
It's like the ticket- to-the-moon voucher the children crayoned for me when they were little..

All this talk of being spoilt and ungrateful, I don't see that but each to their own.

I've given Dh vouchers in the past that never got used, so I won't do that again, and neither should your Dh. But he shouldnt be resented for thinking they may have been a good idea.

As for the hair appointment, I think you should change it and go out with your Dh. You would be unreasonable not to do that.